Easing Fears & Coming to "It" Late
Tina
Pat and I have been together 10 years and recently married. (This
past September) He has five children, and I have two. We now also
have almost three, Tab was due to deliver today, grandchildren. :)
Our four oldest went all the way through PS from K-12. One just
graduated Dorsey Schools in Administration.
I stared relaxed-homeschooling my son, Adrian, at the age of 9. I
started out from the beginning homeschooling him then put him in a
charter school thinking that it was the right thing for K-3.5
pulling him out Christmas break. We kept all the others in school.
The four older girls having gone so far through the system we
thought it best to leave them...hind sight IS 20/20. Amie, 16, came
home for unschooling at Christmas break this school year. Andrew,
14, is coming home at Spring break. Adrian and I have been
officially unschooling for about 2 years now. We absolutely LOVE it
and wouldn't change it for the world. The three youngest are our
only school age children.
Now that Amie and Andrew are coming home to unschool things are more
complicated. They are "his" children biologially speaking. We have
raised them together most of their lives. They know and respect me
as mom, and I respect them as my children, or we wouldn't be where
we are with school. It seems a different road traveled to be
starting this late in the game, and I've not found much, printed
material wise, on coming to unschooling late at an older age. I am
a voracious reader and have soaked in plenty of information to keep
me pointed forward, not to say that I never get a twinge of fear
here and there, but I do try to keep it in check. I have a great
capacity to trust, and that is really working for me with the kids.
Pat on the other hand is a high-school drop out, so he looks at
education A LOT differently than I do. Never mind his amazing
successes throughout life. I try to share with him what I've
learned, but it's just not the same as knowing it in your heart. I
try to point out that he gained knowledge and success on his own
despite the school system. They are not the ones that taught him to
get to where his is now.
Today he stated, "There are some things that I just want them to
learn." This comment came about after Tab, our oldest, shared that
Adrian, the 12-year-old, had difficulty remembering how to write the
letter 8 the "fancy" way...not like a snow man but rather one
continuous line. Adrian's writing is a consistent concern for Pat.
He doesn't like to write, so he doesn't do much of it, and Pat does
notice. Anyway, I tried to ease his fears by reminding him that
situations like that are perfectly normal. Kids all learn
differently. It's based on how often you need to do something. ie:
The more you do it the better you get at it and the more you
understand and know it. "What about stuff like times tables?" My
response was to state that they do know multiplication it just
doesn't look the way he thinks it should based on our school minded
self...I didn't word it that way, but that was the point.
He didn't really persist, but I'm not really sure if he's
understanding me. I'm not sure how to help him understand. Some
ideas I've had to ease his fears is to keep an Unschooling Record
Book. I started that this week. Then, when he asks me things I can
share what I've recorded...I tend not to keep that information fresh
and ready at the front of my brain. I just trust they're learning
all the time. It's also been suggested to do occasional conferences
with him to keep him up to speed.
Another situation that's been tough, especially having three teenage
daughters give birth unexpectedly and unmarried, is trusting with
Amie, the new to unschooling 16-year-old. She's spending A LOT of
time talking with a boy a few years her senior and not the best
reputation. He has a girl pregnant, drinks, smokes and swears a
mean streak. To add to it she's never introduced him to us. Amie
seems level headed, but this is tough for Pat. Amie is the
most "16" 16-year-old I have ever known. How do I honor both of
them? Meaning, how do I trust her and respect him at the same
time? It's tough. I have done things like encourage them to play
basketball at our house and hang out our front yard when they chat.
It seems to be cool so far. Just a sensitive spot, especially for a
protective father.
Any suggestions on how to be okay with the not-really-doing-anything
phase when your child is new to the game at an older age,
experiences with deschooling after such a long time in school and
easing the uncertain parents fears would be MUCH appreciated.
Thanks guys - Tina
past September) He has five children, and I have two. We now also
have almost three, Tab was due to deliver today, grandchildren. :)
Our four oldest went all the way through PS from K-12. One just
graduated Dorsey Schools in Administration.
I stared relaxed-homeschooling my son, Adrian, at the age of 9. I
started out from the beginning homeschooling him then put him in a
charter school thinking that it was the right thing for K-3.5
pulling him out Christmas break. We kept all the others in school.
The four older girls having gone so far through the system we
thought it best to leave them...hind sight IS 20/20. Amie, 16, came
home for unschooling at Christmas break this school year. Andrew,
14, is coming home at Spring break. Adrian and I have been
officially unschooling for about 2 years now. We absolutely LOVE it
and wouldn't change it for the world. The three youngest are our
only school age children.
Now that Amie and Andrew are coming home to unschool things are more
complicated. They are "his" children biologially speaking. We have
raised them together most of their lives. They know and respect me
as mom, and I respect them as my children, or we wouldn't be where
we are with school. It seems a different road traveled to be
starting this late in the game, and I've not found much, printed
material wise, on coming to unschooling late at an older age. I am
a voracious reader and have soaked in plenty of information to keep
me pointed forward, not to say that I never get a twinge of fear
here and there, but I do try to keep it in check. I have a great
capacity to trust, and that is really working for me with the kids.
Pat on the other hand is a high-school drop out, so he looks at
education A LOT differently than I do. Never mind his amazing
successes throughout life. I try to share with him what I've
learned, but it's just not the same as knowing it in your heart. I
try to point out that he gained knowledge and success on his own
despite the school system. They are not the ones that taught him to
get to where his is now.
Today he stated, "There are some things that I just want them to
learn." This comment came about after Tab, our oldest, shared that
Adrian, the 12-year-old, had difficulty remembering how to write the
letter 8 the "fancy" way...not like a snow man but rather one
continuous line. Adrian's writing is a consistent concern for Pat.
He doesn't like to write, so he doesn't do much of it, and Pat does
notice. Anyway, I tried to ease his fears by reminding him that
situations like that are perfectly normal. Kids all learn
differently. It's based on how often you need to do something. ie:
The more you do it the better you get at it and the more you
understand and know it. "What about stuff like times tables?" My
response was to state that they do know multiplication it just
doesn't look the way he thinks it should based on our school minded
self...I didn't word it that way, but that was the point.
He didn't really persist, but I'm not really sure if he's
understanding me. I'm not sure how to help him understand. Some
ideas I've had to ease his fears is to keep an Unschooling Record
Book. I started that this week. Then, when he asks me things I can
share what I've recorded...I tend not to keep that information fresh
and ready at the front of my brain. I just trust they're learning
all the time. It's also been suggested to do occasional conferences
with him to keep him up to speed.
Another situation that's been tough, especially having three teenage
daughters give birth unexpectedly and unmarried, is trusting with
Amie, the new to unschooling 16-year-old. She's spending A LOT of
time talking with a boy a few years her senior and not the best
reputation. He has a girl pregnant, drinks, smokes and swears a
mean streak. To add to it she's never introduced him to us. Amie
seems level headed, but this is tough for Pat. Amie is the
most "16" 16-year-old I have ever known. How do I honor both of
them? Meaning, how do I trust her and respect him at the same
time? It's tough. I have done things like encourage them to play
basketball at our house and hang out our front yard when they chat.
It seems to be cool so far. Just a sensitive spot, especially for a
protective father.
Any suggestions on how to be okay with the not-really-doing-anything
phase when your child is new to the game at an older age,
experiences with deschooling after such a long time in school and
easing the uncertain parents fears would be MUCH appreciated.
Thanks guys - Tina
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Tina <zoocrew@...>
Any suggestions on how to be okay with the not-really-doing-anything
phase when your child is new to the game at an older age,
experiences with deschooling after such a long time in school and
easing the uncertain parents fears would be MUCH appreciated.
--==-=-=-
Bite your tongue and breathe deeply!
Cameron came out of school at the end of sixth grade after eight years
of private school.
He did *nothing* for 18 months except eat, sleep, watch tv, talk on the
phone and IM friends. NOTHING.
I kept doing things with his brother and kept offering that he join us.
Slowly, he started joining us, but it took *forever*! Well, it *seemed*
like forever! <g>
Eighteen months before he did anything that resembled "human"---by two
years, he was rediscovering all sorts of things---skateboarding,
film-making, drumming, working, driving, etc. Now, six years later,
there are not enough hours in each day for all he has going on. That's
really cool, but that didn't help me at the time! <bwg>
The more you nag and wish that they are doing more, the longer it will
*feel* like they aren't.
Be patient. Be respectful. Be generous. Be kind. Be trusting. Be
accepting of who they are at this time.
Get involved *yourself* with some new hobby. Be interested. Be
interesting. Think about something else---ANYthing else! <g> The time
will go faster if you aren't worrying to death about it!
Patience. Patience. Patience!
Come here and bitch if you have to. <g> Just not at them!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
From: Tina <zoocrew@...>
Any suggestions on how to be okay with the not-really-doing-anything
phase when your child is new to the game at an older age,
experiences with deschooling after such a long time in school and
easing the uncertain parents fears would be MUCH appreciated.
--==-=-=-
Bite your tongue and breathe deeply!
Cameron came out of school at the end of sixth grade after eight years
of private school.
He did *nothing* for 18 months except eat, sleep, watch tv, talk on the
phone and IM friends. NOTHING.
I kept doing things with his brother and kept offering that he join us.
Slowly, he started joining us, but it took *forever*! Well, it *seemed*
like forever! <g>
Eighteen months before he did anything that resembled "human"---by two
years, he was rediscovering all sorts of things---skateboarding,
film-making, drumming, working, driving, etc. Now, six years later,
there are not enough hours in each day for all he has going on. That's
really cool, but that didn't help me at the time! <bwg>
The more you nag and wish that they are doing more, the longer it will
*feel* like they aren't.
Be patient. Be respectful. Be generous. Be kind. Be trusting. Be
accepting of who they are at this time.
Get involved *yourself* with some new hobby. Be interested. Be
interesting. Think about something else---ANYthing else! <g> The time
will go faster if you aren't worrying to death about it!
Patience. Patience. Patience!
Come here and bitch if you have to. <g> Just not at them!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
Pampered Chef Michelle
On 4/11/06, Tina <zoocrew@...> wrote:
Writing is one of those things that has never been an issue with me. I see
us writing less and less by hand. My 13 yo has chicken scratch for
handwriting, but she types very fast and can sign her name. And if she is
working on an art project with letters involved she can write very neatly -
but it is art. Writing was a major hang up in school for her. I was
fortunate that her 2nd grade teacher accepted her homework typed and run off
on the computer. Once our computer was broken so the teacher accepted it
e-mailed to her. She thought it was great that we were teaching Emily all
these computer skills. She knew how to change size and fonts and set up
columns, add graphs to documents and create e-mails with attachments. It
saved us hours of anguish because Emily hated the physical part of writing.
She does have notebook after notebook filled with her doodles, writings,
thoughts and quotes. She's a budding writer and has a small fan base at
fanfiction.com. She's gotten here because it is where she wants to be, not
because someone assigned her the task of writing.
--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>That's how I write my 8's - like snowmen. I like it. Nice round circles.
>
> Today he stated, "There are some things that I just want them to
> learn." This comment came about after Tab, our oldest, shared that
> Adrian, the 12-year-old, had difficulty remembering how to write the
> letter 8 the "fancy" way...not like a snow man but rather one
> continuous line.
Writing is one of those things that has never been an issue with me. I see
us writing less and less by hand. My 13 yo has chicken scratch for
handwriting, but she types very fast and can sign her name. And if she is
working on an art project with letters involved she can write very neatly -
but it is art. Writing was a major hang up in school for her. I was
fortunate that her 2nd grade teacher accepted her homework typed and run off
on the computer. Once our computer was broken so the teacher accepted it
e-mailed to her. She thought it was great that we were teaching Emily all
these computer skills. She knew how to change size and fonts and set up
columns, add graphs to documents and create e-mails with attachments. It
saved us hours of anguish because Emily hated the physical part of writing.
She does have notebook after notebook filled with her doodles, writings,
thoughts and quotes. She's a budding writer and has a small fan base at
fanfiction.com. She's gotten here because it is where she wants to be, not
because someone assigned her the task of writing.
--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melanie Ilsley
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
weeks. I think my tongue has permanent teeth marks!! This does seem like forever, and
we have only begun. My problem is MY unschooling/deschooling is happening too, and I
have fears about the system. Luckily I have you folks on this list, and a few unschoolers in
the area to reassure me. Thanks everyone, sometimes just reading the posts makes my
days go better. Melanie in Vt(mom to lily 8, grace and emmett 5 yr old twins)
>Kelly, we have been unschooling since Feb., and sometimes I need to read a post likeyours. My8yr old will work on projects(her design and ideas) for days and then nothing for
weeks. I think my tongue has permanent teeth marks!! This does seem like forever, and
we have only begun. My problem is MY unschooling/deschooling is happening too, and I
have fears about the system. Luckily I have you folks on this list, and a few unschoolers in
the area to reassure me. Thanks everyone, sometimes just reading the posts makes my
days go better. Melanie in Vt(mom to lily 8, grace and emmett 5 yr old twins)
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Tina <zoocrew@...>
>
> Any suggestions on how to be okay with the not-really-doing-anything
> phase when your child is new to the game at an older age,
> experiences with deschooling after such a long time in school and
> easing the uncertain parents fears would be MUCH appreciated.
>
> --==-=-=-
>
> Bite your tongue and breathe deeply!
>
> Cameron came out of school at the end of sixth grade after eight years
> of private school.
>
> He did *nothing* for 18 months except eat, sleep, watch tv, talk on the
> phone and IM friends. NOTHING.
>
> I kept doing things with his brother and kept offering that he join us.
> Slowly, he started joining us, but it took *forever*! Well, it *seemed*
> like forever! <g>
>
> Eighteen months before he did anything that resembled "human"---by two
> years, he was rediscovering all sorts of things---skateboarding,
> film-making, drumming, working, driving, etc. Now, six years later,
> there are not enough hours in each day for all he has going on. That's
> really cool, but that didn't help me at the time! <bwg>
>
> The more you nag and wish that they are doing more, the longer it will
> *feel* like they aren't.
>
> Be patient. Be respectful. Be generous. Be kind. Be trusting. Be
> accepting of who they are at this time.
>
> Get involved *yourself* with some new hobby. Be interested. Be
> interesting. Think about something else---ANYthing else! <g> The time
> will go faster if you aren't worrying to death about it!
>
> Patience. Patience. Patience!
>
> Come here and bitch if you have to. <g> Just not at them!
>
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://liveandlearnconference.org
>
aplan4life
Kelly, you have no clue how much I NEEDED to see something like that!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! :-)
Sandy Winn
http://relaxedhomeschool.blogspot.com
Thank you, thank you, thank you! :-)
Sandy Winn
http://relaxedhomeschool.blogspot.com
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Tina <zoocrew@...>
>
> Any suggestions on how to be okay with the not-really-doing-anything
> phase when your child is new to the game at an older age,
> experiences with deschooling after such a long time in school and
> easing the uncertain parents fears would be MUCH appreciated.
>
> --==-=-=-
>
> Bite your tongue and breathe deeply!
>
> Cameron came out of school at the end of sixth grade after eight years
> of private school.
>
> He did *nothing* for 18 months except eat, sleep, watch tv, talk on the
> phone and IM friends. NOTHING.
>
> I kept doing things with his brother and kept offering that he join us.
> Slowly, he started joining us, but it took *forever*! Well, it *seemed*
> like forever! <g>
>
> Eighteen months before he did anything that resembled "human"---by two
> years, he was rediscovering all sorts of things---skateboarding,
> film-making, drumming, working, driving, etc. Now, six years later,
> there are not enough hours in each day for all he has going on. That's
> really cool, but that didn't help me at the time! <bwg>
>
> The more you nag and wish that they are doing more, the longer it will
> *feel* like they aren't.
>
> Be patient. Be respectful. Be generous. Be kind. Be trusting. Be
> accepting of who they are at this time.
>
> Get involved *yourself* with some new hobby. Be interested. Be
> interesting. Think about something else---ANYthing else! <g> The time
> will go faster if you aren't worrying to death about it!
>
> Patience. Patience. Patience!
>
> Come here and bitch if you have to. <g> Just not at them!
>
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://liveandlearnconference.org
>
[email protected]
You're welcome!
It was the advice *I* was given at unschooling.com and
unschoolingdotcom(edy).
I didn't follow it!
Well, I *did* ----eventually. But life would have been so much sweeter
SOONER if I could have followed the advice to the letter.
It's simple, but not easy!
Bite and breathe.
Bloody tongue. BIG lungs! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
-----Original Message-----
From: aplan4life <aplan4life@...>
Kelly, you have no clue how much I NEEDED to see something like
that!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! :-)
It was the advice *I* was given at unschooling.com and
unschoolingdotcom(edy).
I didn't follow it!
Well, I *did* ----eventually. But life would have been so much sweeter
SOONER if I could have followed the advice to the letter.
It's simple, but not easy!
Bite and breathe.
Bloody tongue. BIG lungs! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
-----Original Message-----
From: aplan4life <aplan4life@...>
Kelly, you have no clue how much I NEEDED to see something like
that!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! :-)
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Melanie Ilsley <us5@...>
like
yours. My8yr old will work on projects(her design and ideas) for days
and then
nothing for
weeks. I think my tongue has permanent teeth marks!! This does seem
like
forever, and
we have only begun. My problem is MY unschooling/deschooling is
happening too,
and I
have fears about the system. Luckily I have you folks on this list,
and a few
unschoolers in
the area to reassure me. Thanks everyone, sometimes just reading the
posts
makes my
days go better. Melanie in Vt(mom to lily 8, grace and emmett 5 yr old
twins)
Yeah, I know.
The longer *you* were in school too MUST factor in. The kids would get
it a lot sooner if they didn't have the parents around screwing them
up! <bwg>
Try to think of her "lulls" (that period of doing nothing after a
flurry of activity) as her thinking/digesting/pre-/post-creative time.
I *still* do that---all year! I have times when I am busy ---seems like
*every* minute is planned and crammed and that there are not nearly
enough hours in a day. THEN things slow down for me: I think about what
I've done. I make plans for future projects. I daydream a lot. I piddle.
Now, the older I get, the fewer "down" times I seem to have because I
have so many projects in the works---but I still need some quiet,
contemplative time after a flurry of activity. A time to digest and
sort through (subconsciously) what's been happening. Or maybe it's
recharging batteries, kind of.
Several of us have noticed that our kids will learn in spurts like this
too. Music is one of the most telling.They struggle with a piece and
struggle and struggle. They take a short break (during which they play
no music), and then go back and discover they've made that connection
they've been looking for. When Duncan (10) struggles with a game, I'll
often suggest he take a small break from *that* game and bounce or swim
or take a walk. Maybe that short break is all he needs. But maybe he
needs a week or so off to digest how' he's gotten *this* far. When he's
back to that game, he often beats it immediately---or at least finds
the hole he's missing. The subconscious at work! <g>
I really think creativity *needs* some reflection time between projects.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
From: Melanie Ilsley <us5@...>
>Kelly, we have been unschooling since Feb., and sometimes I need toread a post
like
yours. My8yr old will work on projects(her design and ideas) for days
and then
nothing for
weeks. I think my tongue has permanent teeth marks!! This does seem
like
forever, and
we have only begun. My problem is MY unschooling/deschooling is
happening too,
and I
have fears about the system. Luckily I have you folks on this list,
and a few
unschoolers in
the area to reassure me. Thanks everyone, sometimes just reading the
posts
makes my
days go better. Melanie in Vt(mom to lily 8, grace and emmett 5 yr old
twins)
>-=-=--=
Yeah, I know.
The longer *you* were in school too MUST factor in. The kids would get
it a lot sooner if they didn't have the parents around screwing them
up! <bwg>
Try to think of her "lulls" (that period of doing nothing after a
flurry of activity) as her thinking/digesting/pre-/post-creative time.
I *still* do that---all year! I have times when I am busy ---seems like
*every* minute is planned and crammed and that there are not nearly
enough hours in a day. THEN things slow down for me: I think about what
I've done. I make plans for future projects. I daydream a lot. I piddle.
Now, the older I get, the fewer "down" times I seem to have because I
have so many projects in the works---but I still need some quiet,
contemplative time after a flurry of activity. A time to digest and
sort through (subconsciously) what's been happening. Or maybe it's
recharging batteries, kind of.
Several of us have noticed that our kids will learn in spurts like this
too. Music is one of the most telling.They struggle with a piece and
struggle and struggle. They take a short break (during which they play
no music), and then go back and discover they've made that connection
they've been looking for. When Duncan (10) struggles with a game, I'll
often suggest he take a small break from *that* game and bounce or swim
or take a walk. Maybe that short break is all he needs. But maybe he
needs a week or so off to digest how' he's gotten *this* far. When he's
back to that game, he often beats it immediately---or at least finds
the hole he's missing. The subconscious at work! <g>
I really think creativity *needs* some reflection time between projects.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
aplan4life
Kelly,
Glad your son was able to make it through the transition. Seriously,
thanks for opening up like that and how you did below because(and
please don't be offended)it really helps me to see that not all
radical unschoolers embraced everything right away or even
unschooling/deschooling right away. Sometimes in some of the advice
given on this board, it gets lost that some of you were in our very
same shoes; questioning, doubting, waivering and trying to understand.
I've posted a blog about unschoolers at my blog just awhile ago if any
of you would like to see it.
~Sandy Winn
http://relaxedhomeschool.blogspot.com
Glad your son was able to make it through the transition. Seriously,
thanks for opening up like that and how you did below because(and
please don't be offended)it really helps me to see that not all
radical unschoolers embraced everything right away or even
unschooling/deschooling right away. Sometimes in some of the advice
given on this board, it gets lost that some of you were in our very
same shoes; questioning, doubting, waivering and trying to understand.
I've posted a blog about unschoolers at my blog just awhile ago if any
of you would like to see it.
~Sandy Winn
http://relaxedhomeschool.blogspot.com
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
>
> You're welcome!
>
> It was the advice *I* was given at unschooling.com and
> unschoolingdotcom(edy).
>
> I didn't follow it!
>
> Well, I *did* ----eventually. But life would have been so much sweeter
> SOONER if I could have followed the advice to the letter.
>
> It's simple, but not easy!
>
> Bite and breathe.
>
> Bloody tongue. BIG lungs! <g>
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://liveandlearnconference.org
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: aplan4life <aplan4life@...>
>
> Kelly, you have no clue how much I NEEDED to see something like
> that!
>
> Thank you, thank you, thank you! :-)
>