parenting ?
Melanie Ilsley
My 8 yr olds best friends parents and I are having "issues', or I am having issues with them. I
try to respect their parenting stlye(very strict, very controlling, very test score oriented, very
competitive), and I expected them to respect mine. The issue, Not only is their 8 yr old best
friends with mine, their 5 yr old is one of my twins best friends, so we see a lot of them. The
last few times we have gotten together i have left very unhappy. The mom constantly calls
my son names, maybe not a big deal to some people, but words can be very painful weapons.
I want my kids to understand that words that are not nice can hurt, name calling, etc. How
do I handle this? I cannot let her keep treating my son this way, I wouldn't let a child do it
with out saying something. The mom has also said to my younger daughter(who has certain
disabilities) that she(the mom) expects her(my D) to act her age, who is she to tell my
daughter what is right for her at 5, it may be different than what she expects from her 5yrold.
My son(also 5) has potty training issues, not a big deal at home, he will get it when he gets it,
at their house it is not tolerated, again names. She also believes in the "let them duke it out"
theory, I do not. We want our kids to understand that you keep your hands off other peoples
bodies when you are upset. And to respect other peoples personal space. I am not a
confrontational person, and I would like to just run and hide, but i feel like my kids need to
know that I will protect them even from other Big People. Am I over reacting, being too
protective? How can I get my feelings accross with out having my kids lose their best friends.
Or would they be better off having different friends. BTW their kids really are not horrible, for
the most part I enjoy them, but they are really "contained". I know I've ranted a lot, but it
has been stewing. Help!? Thanks Melanie in VT
try to respect their parenting stlye(very strict, very controlling, very test score oriented, very
competitive), and I expected them to respect mine. The issue, Not only is their 8 yr old best
friends with mine, their 5 yr old is one of my twins best friends, so we see a lot of them. The
last few times we have gotten together i have left very unhappy. The mom constantly calls
my son names, maybe not a big deal to some people, but words can be very painful weapons.
I want my kids to understand that words that are not nice can hurt, name calling, etc. How
do I handle this? I cannot let her keep treating my son this way, I wouldn't let a child do it
with out saying something. The mom has also said to my younger daughter(who has certain
disabilities) that she(the mom) expects her(my D) to act her age, who is she to tell my
daughter what is right for her at 5, it may be different than what she expects from her 5yrold.
My son(also 5) has potty training issues, not a big deal at home, he will get it when he gets it,
at their house it is not tolerated, again names. She also believes in the "let them duke it out"
theory, I do not. We want our kids to understand that you keep your hands off other peoples
bodies when you are upset. And to respect other peoples personal space. I am not a
confrontational person, and I would like to just run and hide, but i feel like my kids need to
know that I will protect them even from other Big People. Am I over reacting, being too
protective? How can I get my feelings accross with out having my kids lose their best friends.
Or would they be better off having different friends. BTW their kids really are not horrible, for
the most part I enjoy them, but they are really "contained". I know I've ranted a lot, but it
has been stewing. Help!? Thanks Melanie in VT
Christy Mahoney
You are definitely NOT overreacting! Your kids should not be made to
feel bad for normal behavior. You need to talk to this mom before it
happens again. Have you said anything about it yet? If not, then she
may not even know it is upsetting you. She does not seem to have any
respect for your children as people if she is calling them names.
I am not a confrontational person either, and I would be tempted to
just completely avoid a person like this, but if the friendships are
important to your children, you will have to be brave. Your kids
should be able to trust you to stick up for them.
-Christy
feel bad for normal behavior. You need to talk to this mom before it
happens again. Have you said anything about it yet? If not, then she
may not even know it is upsetting you. She does not seem to have any
respect for your children as people if she is calling them names.
I am not a confrontational person either, and I would be tempted to
just completely avoid a person like this, but if the friendships are
important to your children, you will have to be brave. Your kids
should be able to trust you to stick up for them.
-Christy
Melanie Ilsley
-Christy thanks, as lame as it is I guess I just needed someone to say I was not overreacting.
Not many examples around here, and I seem to be standing up for my kids against a lot of
adults lately(ie the school, teachers, relatives) and am feeling really vulnerable. Again
Thanks. I haven't said anything directly, but in front of her I have (in a clear voice so she
would hear) explained to the kids that calling names is disrespectful and hurts. But she
didn't catch on, so I will talk to her. I have just been avoiding them for the last few days.
Melanie in Vt--
Not many examples around here, and I seem to be standing up for my kids against a lot of
adults lately(ie the school, teachers, relatives) and am feeling really vulnerable. Again
Thanks. I haven't said anything directly, but in front of her I have (in a clear voice so she
would hear) explained to the kids that calling names is disrespectful and hurts. But she
didn't catch on, so I will talk to her. I have just been avoiding them for the last few days.
Melanie in Vt--
Lesa McMahon-Lowe
It seems that you're always meeting at their house... is there not a way for
you to meet at your home or in a neutral place?
And most certainly stand up for your children! You have every right to do
that and if things don't change then you also have the right to remove them
from further negative situations.
Lesa
-------Original Message-------
From: Melanie Ilsley
Date: 03/09/06 19:58:36
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] parenting ?
My 8 yr olds best friends parents and I are having "issues', or I am having
issues with them. I
try to respect their parenting stlye(very strict, very controlling, very
test score oriented, very
competitive), and I expected them to respect mine. The issue, Not only is
their 8 yr old best
friends with mine, their 5 yr old is one of my twins best friends, so we see
a lot of them. The
last few times we have gotten together i have left very unhappy. The mom
constantly calls
my son names, maybe not a big deal to some people, but words can be very
painful weapons.
I want my kids to understand that words that are not nice can hurt, name
calling, etc. How
do I handle this? I cannot let her keep treating my son this way, I wouldn
t let a child do it
with out saying something. The mom has also said to my younger daughter(who
has certain
disabilities) that she(the mom) expects her(my D) to act her age, who is she
to tell my
daughter what is right for her at 5, it may be different than what she
expects from her 5yrold.
My son(also 5) has potty training issues, not a big deal at home, he will
get it when he gets it,
at their house it is not tolerated, again names. She also believes in the
let them duke it out"
theory, I do not. We want our kids to understand that you keep your hands
off other peoples
bodies when you are upset. And to respect other peoples personal space. I
am not a
confrontational person, and I would like to just run and hide, but i feel
like my kids need to
know that I will protect them even from other Big People. Am I over
reacting, being too
protective? How can I get my feelings accross with out having my kids lose
their best friends.
Or would they be better off having different friends. BTW their kids really
are not horrible, for
the most part I enjoy them, but they are really "contained". I know I've
ranted a lot, but it
has been stewing. Help!? Thanks Melanie in VT
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you to meet at your home or in a neutral place?
And most certainly stand up for your children! You have every right to do
that and if things don't change then you also have the right to remove them
from further negative situations.
Lesa
-------Original Message-------
From: Melanie Ilsley
Date: 03/09/06 19:58:36
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] parenting ?
My 8 yr olds best friends parents and I are having "issues', or I am having
issues with them. I
try to respect their parenting stlye(very strict, very controlling, very
test score oriented, very
competitive), and I expected them to respect mine. The issue, Not only is
their 8 yr old best
friends with mine, their 5 yr old is one of my twins best friends, so we see
a lot of them. The
last few times we have gotten together i have left very unhappy. The mom
constantly calls
my son names, maybe not a big deal to some people, but words can be very
painful weapons.
I want my kids to understand that words that are not nice can hurt, name
calling, etc. How
do I handle this? I cannot let her keep treating my son this way, I wouldn
t let a child do it
with out saying something. The mom has also said to my younger daughter(who
has certain
disabilities) that she(the mom) expects her(my D) to act her age, who is she
to tell my
daughter what is right for her at 5, it may be different than what she
expects from her 5yrold.
My son(also 5) has potty training issues, not a big deal at home, he will
get it when he gets it,
at their house it is not tolerated, again names. She also believes in the
let them duke it out"
theory, I do not. We want our kids to understand that you keep your hands
off other peoples
bodies when you are upset. And to respect other peoples personal space. I
am not a
confrontational person, and I would like to just run and hide, but i feel
like my kids need to
know that I will protect them even from other Big People. Am I over
reacting, being too
protective? How can I get my feelings accross with out having my kids lose
their best friends.
Or would they be better off having different friends. BTW their kids really
are not horrible, for
the most part I enjoy them, but they are really "contained". I know I've
ranted a lot, but it
has been stewing. Help!? Thanks Melanie in VT
SPONSORED LINKS Secondary school education Graduate school education Home
school education
Graduate school education online High school education Chicago school
education
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS
Visit your group "unschoolingbasics" on the web.
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mother_bhaer
You are definitely not over-reacting! Our kids depend on us to
protect them in situations where they can't protect themselves. In
this other home, it is abundantly clear that the kids are not
respected and different rules apply to adults. (I'd like to see how
this mom would react if her kids started calling her names!)
Therefore, it is clear that they need an adult advocate that,
hopefully, in this other mom's eyes would be on the same level as
her. Very sad that you don't have to show respect to someone until
they reach a certain age (or size maybe). I could go on and on.
This is extremely sad to me.
your home. In your home, you'd be in charge, so to speak and your
kids could be safe from her. Somewhere neutral might be even better,
then you wouldn't have the "in my house ...." kind of thing going on.
the other mom, but remember you do have the option of helping your
children cultivate other friendships at the same time that your
trying to salvage these.
You don't have to be "ugly" about this. You can be very sweet and
smile while your telling your child "I'm so sorry that such-and-such
doesn't respect you and feels like she has to call you names." And
of course do this in front of her so she can hear and then address
her calmly and kindly and say that "You know, we really try to show
our children how to respect others by treating them with respect. If
you have something to say to my kids, please say it to me first and
we'll see if we can work it out." Be creative. I'm sure you'll have
plenty of opportunities to talk to this person. But at some point,
if the discussions don't work, you'll have to decide if this is
something that brings peace and joy to your home or if it actually is
hurtful for your children and you.
In our home, we try to meet everyone's needs, not just the
children's. I've said it before, we are family-oriented, not child-
oriented or parent-oriented. We try very hard to make something work
for everybody in our family. It is hard sometimes, but this means
that if something is bad for you that is important to discuss and try
to work through also.
Good Luck,
Terri (who just read this to her son and he totally agrees, stand up
for your kids)
protect them in situations where they can't protect themselves. In
this other home, it is abundantly clear that the kids are not
respected and different rules apply to adults. (I'd like to see how
this mom would react if her kids started calling her names!)
Therefore, it is clear that they need an adult advocate that,
hopefully, in this other mom's eyes would be on the same level as
her. Very sad that you don't have to show respect to someone until
they reach a certain age (or size maybe). I could go on and on.
This is extremely sad to me.
> It seems that you're always meeting at their house... is there nota way for
> you to meet at your home or in a neutral place?I have to agree, it might help to meet somewhere neutral or even at
>
your home. In your home, you'd be in charge, so to speak and your
kids could be safe from her. Somewhere neutral might be even better,
then you wouldn't have the "in my house ...." kind of thing going on.
> And most certainly stand up for your children! You have everyright to do
> that and if things don't change then you also have the right toremove them
> from further negative situations.I have to agree again with Lesa, stand up for your children. Talk to
>
> Lesa
>
the other mom, but remember you do have the option of helping your
children cultivate other friendships at the same time that your
trying to salvage these.
You don't have to be "ugly" about this. You can be very sweet and
smile while your telling your child "I'm so sorry that such-and-such
doesn't respect you and feels like she has to call you names." And
of course do this in front of her so she can hear and then address
her calmly and kindly and say that "You know, we really try to show
our children how to respect others by treating them with respect. If
you have something to say to my kids, please say it to me first and
we'll see if we can work it out." Be creative. I'm sure you'll have
plenty of opportunities to talk to this person. But at some point,
if the discussions don't work, you'll have to decide if this is
something that brings peace and joy to your home or if it actually is
hurtful for your children and you.
In our home, we try to meet everyone's needs, not just the
children's. I've said it before, we are family-oriented, not child-
oriented or parent-oriented. We try very hard to make something work
for everybody in our family. It is hard sometimes, but this means
that if something is bad for you that is important to discuss and try
to work through also.
Good Luck,
Terri (who just read this to her son and he totally agrees, stand up
for your kids)
Seana Saxon
Have you talked with your children and asked them how they feel about
things? Do they leave upset and unhappy also, even a little? Do they
know or notice that you are upset about it? How do the feel about being
called names? Do they notice it? How upset would they be if these
relationships dwindled or ceased? Are there other friends that they
would like to spend more time with? Do you have any local
un/homeschooling groups to get together with and meet like minded people
in your area?
I ask these questions to make sure that you know all sides of the
situation. I, personally, do not believe that you are over reacting.
The other mom seems to be a person that I would not like to be around.
If you feel that these relationships need to continue than I believe you
have a need, and a right, to discuss your concerns with her. I know you
will try to make it a nonconfrontational discussion but even if it has
to be a confrontation, or becomes one, I think this woman needs to know
that her actions are inappropriate. If she decides that she can not
abide her children continuing a relationship with your children, that
would convince me that this is a family you are better off without.
Honestly, I would deeply evaluate the relationships that the children
have and consider reducing the contact. If your children really want to
get together with them, then invite the children to come to your house
or meet at a park or some other neutral ground. I would very much
reduce the time you or your children spend at their house.
All just my opinion,
Seana
Wild Child Weaver of
Our Two Beautiful Angels
Lilypie Baby PicLilypie Baby Ticker <http://lilypie.com>
Lilypie Baby PicLilypie Baby Ticker <http://lilypie.com>
things? Do they leave upset and unhappy also, even a little? Do they
know or notice that you are upset about it? How do the feel about being
called names? Do they notice it? How upset would they be if these
relationships dwindled or ceased? Are there other friends that they
would like to spend more time with? Do you have any local
un/homeschooling groups to get together with and meet like minded people
in your area?
I ask these questions to make sure that you know all sides of the
situation. I, personally, do not believe that you are over reacting.
The other mom seems to be a person that I would not like to be around.
If you feel that these relationships need to continue than I believe you
have a need, and a right, to discuss your concerns with her. I know you
will try to make it a nonconfrontational discussion but even if it has
to be a confrontation, or becomes one, I think this woman needs to know
that her actions are inappropriate. If she decides that she can not
abide her children continuing a relationship with your children, that
would convince me that this is a family you are better off without.
Honestly, I would deeply evaluate the relationships that the children
have and consider reducing the contact. If your children really want to
get together with them, then invite the children to come to your house
or meet at a park or some other neutral ground. I would very much
reduce the time you or your children spend at their house.
All just my opinion,
Seana
Wild Child Weaver of
Our Two Beautiful Angels
Lilypie Baby PicLilypie Baby Ticker <http://lilypie.com>
Lilypie Baby PicLilypie Baby Ticker <http://lilypie.com>
Melanie Ilsley
-my oldest and I have talked about the situation. She noticed I wa upset the last time. I gave
her a " what would you do if a person you knew..." and she said " I would tell them how I felt,
and if they did it again then you shouldn't let us go to S's house anymore" She had noticed it
too, and didn't like it, knew who I was talking about. My son doesn't like to go to their
house, so we have their son over to our house. We meet in neutral places (the local PS) b/c
our 8yrolds take Tae Kwon Do there(not school related, just using the space). Our 5's are in
the same preschool(very liberal) and so we see them there too. I have stopped letting the
kids go to their house w/o me, and have limited time with them. In fact the last time we
were together my 5's and I left where they were to "walk" and they followed. Our area is very
rural, my little family, and their preschool teacher are the only vegetarians, only AP parents,
etc, in the area. We have found an unschooling group in the area, and are trying to hook up
with them. Thanks for all your advice and your opinions, I just need to jump in and do it.
Meanwhile the other 8 is here visiting, and we are having fun!! Thanks Melanie in Vt-
her a " what would you do if a person you knew..." and she said " I would tell them how I felt,
and if they did it again then you shouldn't let us go to S's house anymore" She had noticed it
too, and didn't like it, knew who I was talking about. My son doesn't like to go to their
house, so we have their son over to our house. We meet in neutral places (the local PS) b/c
our 8yrolds take Tae Kwon Do there(not school related, just using the space). Our 5's are in
the same preschool(very liberal) and so we see them there too. I have stopped letting the
kids go to their house w/o me, and have limited time with them. In fact the last time we
were together my 5's and I left where they were to "walk" and they followed. Our area is very
rural, my little family, and their preschool teacher are the only vegetarians, only AP parents,
etc, in the area. We have found an unschooling group in the area, and are trying to hook up
with them. Thanks for all your advice and your opinions, I just need to jump in and do it.
Meanwhile the other 8 is here visiting, and we are having fun!! Thanks Melanie in Vt-
>