Overwhelmed mom desperately seeking perspective
crissyhall
Help!
I don't question radical unschooling, I truely believe in it. I
have 4 sweet, challenging, & wonderful kids, but I feel like I don't
know how to put it into practice, and that I'm doing an awful job of
it. I hate to even admit that we are unschoolers because I'm not a
good example of it. I feel like we are bad proof of why you should
use "typical" parenting. Ok, that's not true, I do get comments on
how sweet my kids are, just not in the middle of one of their
screaming episodes ;)
For example, today the kids had swim lessons. I usually lap swim
while the oldest 3 have lessons and the 4 year old goes to the kids
gym. On the way I listened while the girls fought and said what they
didn't like about each other. I didn't know what to say. I think it
was good that they were talking about what made each other mad, but I
felt like they didn't think I cared or was listening because I didn't
know what to say. Then Nic (6) & Nate (4) didn't want to go, so I
said we could hang out in waiting room while the girls swam. Nate
cries & screams everytime we go anywhere if he doesn't "win", even
though we all try to let him win and don't even bring up racing or
winning or anything. He also cries & screams ALOT every day and we
all try everything to make him happy and don't know what he wants. I
don't know what to do. Anyways, Nate brought his trike and Nic
brought a toy, and they fought and screamed for most of the 1 1/2
hours. They did have a few sweet moments, but most of the time Nic
kept hitting Nate on the head and they both were screaming and angry.
I told them to use their words and stop means stop, and tried to
talk to Nic and said it must be hard being the big brother and have a
little brother and he said yes, I want revenge and went to hit him
again. I tried to distract him and have him tear up some paper and he
punched me in the face ( a 1st). On the way to the car, I helped Nate
ride his trike down the stairs and then Nic wanted to and I was just
worn out and said we would do it later. Nic screamed the whole way
home and then Nate joined in because his brother was being loud.
Alexa (11) & Autumn ( 9) love to go places and do stuff, but it is so
hard doing anything with the boys. Nate has a really hard time with
transistions so it takes us 10X longer to just get in and out of a
place, even when we limit it to just fun places. The boys are happy at
home but then the girls don't think we do anything. Autumn says she
wants to go back to school because she feels she isn't doing anything
but watch TV. ( Not true and she has a persuasive best friend that
wants her back in school, but I still feel guilty). I feel like I'm
failing in trying to make everyone happy.
I don't expect perfect peace and harmony, I've finally realized that
was an only child's wishful fantasy :). But I wish I felt like I knew
what I was doing and was better at knowing what to say. I'm able to
stay calm with the kids, but then I go home and hide and beat myself
up for not doing better. Which just makes things worse and I have a
bigger hole to dig out of. Ok, sorry for the whining, I came to get
some of all your wise perspectives. Could you share some of the
"scripts" you use. I would also like to make a big list of
distractions so my overwhelmed brain doesn't have to think. Pam, I
have a nice giggle whenever I read about some of your distractions
(loved the potato chips & eggs in the bathtub), your girls had such a
fun childhood! We've been using the bathtub a lot more often, I just
wish I could put it in my van ;)
Thanks,
Christine
I don't question radical unschooling, I truely believe in it. I
have 4 sweet, challenging, & wonderful kids, but I feel like I don't
know how to put it into practice, and that I'm doing an awful job of
it. I hate to even admit that we are unschoolers because I'm not a
good example of it. I feel like we are bad proof of why you should
use "typical" parenting. Ok, that's not true, I do get comments on
how sweet my kids are, just not in the middle of one of their
screaming episodes ;)
For example, today the kids had swim lessons. I usually lap swim
while the oldest 3 have lessons and the 4 year old goes to the kids
gym. On the way I listened while the girls fought and said what they
didn't like about each other. I didn't know what to say. I think it
was good that they were talking about what made each other mad, but I
felt like they didn't think I cared or was listening because I didn't
know what to say. Then Nic (6) & Nate (4) didn't want to go, so I
said we could hang out in waiting room while the girls swam. Nate
cries & screams everytime we go anywhere if he doesn't "win", even
though we all try to let him win and don't even bring up racing or
winning or anything. He also cries & screams ALOT every day and we
all try everything to make him happy and don't know what he wants. I
don't know what to do. Anyways, Nate brought his trike and Nic
brought a toy, and they fought and screamed for most of the 1 1/2
hours. They did have a few sweet moments, but most of the time Nic
kept hitting Nate on the head and they both were screaming and angry.
I told them to use their words and stop means stop, and tried to
talk to Nic and said it must be hard being the big brother and have a
little brother and he said yes, I want revenge and went to hit him
again. I tried to distract him and have him tear up some paper and he
punched me in the face ( a 1st). On the way to the car, I helped Nate
ride his trike down the stairs and then Nic wanted to and I was just
worn out and said we would do it later. Nic screamed the whole way
home and then Nate joined in because his brother was being loud.
Alexa (11) & Autumn ( 9) love to go places and do stuff, but it is so
hard doing anything with the boys. Nate has a really hard time with
transistions so it takes us 10X longer to just get in and out of a
place, even when we limit it to just fun places. The boys are happy at
home but then the girls don't think we do anything. Autumn says she
wants to go back to school because she feels she isn't doing anything
but watch TV. ( Not true and she has a persuasive best friend that
wants her back in school, but I still feel guilty). I feel like I'm
failing in trying to make everyone happy.
I don't expect perfect peace and harmony, I've finally realized that
was an only child's wishful fantasy :). But I wish I felt like I knew
what I was doing and was better at knowing what to say. I'm able to
stay calm with the kids, but then I go home and hide and beat myself
up for not doing better. Which just makes things worse and I have a
bigger hole to dig out of. Ok, sorry for the whining, I came to get
some of all your wise perspectives. Could you share some of the
"scripts" you use. I would also like to make a big list of
distractions so my overwhelmed brain doesn't have to think. Pam, I
have a nice giggle whenever I read about some of your distractions
(loved the potato chips & eggs in the bathtub), your girls had such a
fun childhood! We've been using the bathtub a lot more often, I just
wish I could put it in my van ;)
Thanks,
Christine
mother_bhaer
--- In [email protected], "crissyhall"
<crissyhall@...> wrote:
think that we must be doing it wrong. I think we have to try to
remember that as long as we're really modeling respect and
encouraging that respectful attitude in our homes, we don't have to
look or sound like everyone else.
something is helpful criticism or just plain hurtful. It's hard to
live with others. It's hard for all of us, but there are things we
can say and things that are meant to hurt and shouldn't be said; or
at least said in another way. Ask the girls if what they are doing
is beneficial to them both or if they are working toward a goal of
getting along better. Try to help them focus on the positive things
when the negative gets out of hand. Start listing the things you
like about each one of them, even the little things. It can be
contagious.
Then Nic (6) & Nate (4) didn't want to go, so I
For us, hitting is one of those things that isn't allowed. I believe
our family should be safe from each other. You could lovingly hold
your son when you see him reaching his boiling point, trying to calm
him with your words. You can suggest other things to do with his
anger. My 7 yod draws a picture of her anger. My 11 yos walks away
or does this little hopping kind of dance to diffuse the situation.
I always try to stay close by so I can intervene when the tension
starts to mount.
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka? It's been very helpful to me.
The boys are happy at
you stayed at home? Or are things close enough that you could drop
off the girls and then go back home? We often think that there are
only two choices when life is full of choices. Ask the children and
they can probably come up with some creative ideas too.
( Not true and she has a persuasive best friend that
family-centered not child-centered or parent-centered. We try to
discuss all the needs of the family members and try to find a way to
meet all we can to the best of our ability. I believe that
children's wants and needs are just as important as mine or dhs.
That doesn't mean that my needs aren't impportant too.
think in a different way. It can be hard at times, but it is so
worth it.
Good luck,
Terri
<crissyhall@...> wrote:
>I feel that way too, sometimes. I read about other families and
> Help!
>
> I don't question radical unschooling, I truely believe in it. I
> have 4 sweet, challenging, & wonderful kids, but I feel like I don't
> know how to put it into practice, and that I'm doing an awful job of
> it. I hate to even admit that we are unschoolers because I'm not a
> good example of it. I feel like we are bad proof of why you should
> use "typical" parenting. Ok, that's not true, I do get comments on
> how sweet my kids are, just not in the middle of one of their
> screaming episodes ;)
think that we must be doing it wrong. I think we have to try to
remember that as long as we're really modeling respect and
encouraging that respectful attitude in our homes, we don't have to
look or sound like everyone else.
>it
> For example, today the kids had swim lessons. I usually lap swim
> while the oldest 3 have lessons and the 4 year old goes to the kids
> gym. On the way I listened while the girls fought and said what they
> didn't like about each other. I didn't know what to say. I think
> was good that they were talking about what made each other mad, butI
> felt like they didn't think I cared or was listening because Ididn't
> know what to say.You could try to help them read others cues and learn to tell when
something is helpful criticism or just plain hurtful. It's hard to
live with others. It's hard for all of us, but there are things we
can say and things that are meant to hurt and shouldn't be said; or
at least said in another way. Ask the girls if what they are doing
is beneficial to them both or if they are working toward a goal of
getting along better. Try to help them focus on the positive things
when the negative gets out of hand. Start listing the things you
like about each one of them, even the little things. It can be
contagious.
Then Nic (6) & Nate (4) didn't want to go, so I
> said we could hang out in waiting room while the girls swam. Nateangry.
> cries & screams everytime we go anywhere if he doesn't "win", even
> though we all try to let him win and don't even bring up racing or
> winning or anything. He also cries & screams ALOT every day and we
> all try everything to make him happy and don't know what he wants. I
> don't know what to do. Anyways, Nate brought his trike and Nic
> brought a toy, and they fought and screamed for most of the 1 1/2
> hours. They did have a few sweet moments, but most of the time Nic
> kept hitting Nate on the head and they both were screaming and
For us, hitting is one of those things that isn't allowed. I believe
our family should be safe from each other. You could lovingly hold
your son when you see him reaching his boiling point, trying to calm
him with your words. You can suggest other things to do with his
anger. My 7 yod draws a picture of her anger. My 11 yos walks away
or does this little hopping kind of dance to diffuse the situation.
I always try to stay close by so I can intervene when the tension
starts to mount.
> I told them to use their words and stop means stop, and tried toa
> talk to Nic and said it must be hard being the big brother and have
> little brother and he said yes, I want revenge and went to hit himhe
> again. I tried to distract him and have him tear up some paper and
> punched me in the face ( a 1st). On the way to the car, I helpedNate
> ride his trike down the stairs and then Nic wanted to and I was justso
> worn out and said we would do it later. Nic screamed the whole way
> home and then Nate joined in because his brother was being loud.
> Alexa (11) & Autumn ( 9) love to go places and do stuff, but it is
> hard doing anything with the boys. Nate has a really hard time withI'm wondering if you've read the book Parenting Your Spirited Child
> transistions so it takes us 10X longer to just get in and out of a
> place, even when we limit it to just fun places.
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka? It's been very helpful to me.
The boys are happy at
> home but then the girls don't think we do anything. Autumn says sheanything
> wants to go back to school because she feels she isn't doing
> but watch TV.Is there someone who could take the girls to other activities while
you stayed at home? Or are things close enough that you could drop
off the girls and then go back home? We often think that there are
only two choices when life is full of choices. Ask the children and
they can probably come up with some creative ideas too.
( Not true and she has a persuasive best friend that
> wants her back in school, but I still feel guilty). I feel like I'mI don't think it is our job to "make everyone happy". Our home is
> failing in trying to make everyone happy.
family-centered not child-centered or parent-centered. We try to
discuss all the needs of the family members and try to find a way to
meet all we can to the best of our ability. I believe that
children's wants and needs are just as important as mine or dhs.
That doesn't mean that my needs aren't impportant too.
>knew
> I don't expect perfect peace and harmony, I've finally realized that
> was an only child's wishful fantasy :). But I wish I felt like I
> what I was doing and was better at knowing what to say. I'm ableto
> stay calm with the kids, but then I go home and hide and beat myselfa
> up for not doing better. Which just makes things worse and I have
> bigger hole to dig out of. Ok, sorry for the whining, I came to geta
> some of all your wise perspectives. Could you share some of the
> "scripts" you use. I would also like to make a big list of
> distractions so my overwhelmed brain doesn't have to think. Pam, I
> have a nice giggle whenever I read about some of your distractions
> (loved the potato chips & eggs in the bathtub), your girls had such
> fun childhood! We've been using the bathtub a lot more often, Ijust
> wish I could put it in my van ;)You're thinking of your family, your trying to make improvements and
>
> Thanks,
> Christine
>
think in a different way. It can be hard at times, but it is so
worth it.
Good luck,
Terri
Melissa
Well, just wanted to share a hug and let you know that it sounded
very overwhelming to me. I just had a similar trip to the dr's
office, and the most important thing for me to do is BREATH, keep
your kids safe from each other and have faith.
Remember you can't fix things, but you can listen and ask what you
can do to help. Validate their feelings and offer choices. If Nate
(or is it Nic?)says he wants revenge, ask him how that will
work...what he thinks will happen? Will it get him what he want?
Hopefully some of the other longer unschooling parents will have more
advice.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
very overwhelming to me. I just had a similar trip to the dr's
office, and the most important thing for me to do is BREATH, keep
your kids safe from each other and have faith.
Remember you can't fix things, but you can listen and ask what you
can do to help. Validate their feelings and offer choices. If Nate
(or is it Nic?)says he wants revenge, ask him how that will
work...what he thinks will happen? Will it get him what he want?
Hopefully some of the other longer unschooling parents will have more
advice.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
On Mar 7, 2006, at 2:03 PM, crissyhall wrote:
> Help!
>
> I don't question radical unschooling, I truely believe in it. I
> have 4 sweet, challenging, & wonderful kids, but I feel like I don't
> know how to put it into practice, and that I'm doing an awful job of
> it. I hate to even admit that we are unschoolers because I'm not a
> good example of it. I feel like we are bad proof of why you should
> use "typical" parenting. Ok, that's not true, I do get comments on
> how sweet my kids are, just not in the middle of one of their
> screaming episodes ;)
>
John & Karen Buxcel
on 3/7/06 2:03 PM, crissyhall at crissyhall@... wrote:
I really, really feel where you are at! My boys are 7, 4, and 16 months.
It's very difficult, sometimes. You aren't a bad mama! Boys are, in my
opinion, so much different from girls. Especially since your girls are so
much older, and your boys are right there in that stage of being young and
searching for their own ways/identities. I could relate to almost
everything you wrote in your e=mail. Even the parts about not feeling like
I am doing/saying enough or the right thing. It is frustrating. My 4yo
gets angry, too, I think it's just that he's the second/middle child, and so
he feels like he just gets screwed left and right, and that pisses him off,
royally. So, I'm tyring to be more aware of giving him lots of extra time.
We just had a date tonight (that being we went up to cuddle up in our big
family bed and read a bunch of books together, just me and him, no baby, no
big brother. We both needed it.
So, breathe, hug your darling boys, and know that you are a very good
mother, just for wanting to always do better.
Big hugs,
Karen
> but it is soOh, Christine!
> hard doing anything with the boys
I really, really feel where you are at! My boys are 7, 4, and 16 months.
It's very difficult, sometimes. You aren't a bad mama! Boys are, in my
opinion, so much different from girls. Especially since your girls are so
much older, and your boys are right there in that stage of being young and
searching for their own ways/identities. I could relate to almost
everything you wrote in your e=mail. Even the parts about not feeling like
I am doing/saying enough or the right thing. It is frustrating. My 4yo
gets angry, too, I think it's just that he's the second/middle child, and so
he feels like he just gets screwed left and right, and that pisses him off,
royally. So, I'm tyring to be more aware of giving him lots of extra time.
We just had a date tonight (that being we went up to cuddle up in our big
family bed and read a bunch of books together, just me and him, no baby, no
big brother. We both needed it.
So, breathe, hug your darling boys, and know that you are a very good
mother, just for wanting to always do better.
Big hugs,
Karen
Patti Douglas
Christine,
One thing I found with my kids is, let them know when
a transition is about to take place. "We're leaving
in 5 minutes." "We're going inside in 5 minutes."
Then a reminder..."Two more minutes!" It doesn't
solve all problems, but it does help some.
Also, (and I'm new here, so I hope this doesn't
totally go against the grain of this group) I don't
think it's the parent's job to always make the
children "happy." They have to learn limits, and the
parents have to be the one to set those limits. I've
worked with kids quite a bit, and while they may rebel
against rules and limitations, they actually function
better when what is expected of them, and that not
meeting those expectations has consequences.
HTH a little. :)
Patti
__________________________________________________
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One thing I found with my kids is, let them know when
a transition is about to take place. "We're leaving
in 5 minutes." "We're going inside in 5 minutes."
Then a reminder..."Two more minutes!" It doesn't
solve all problems, but it does help some.
Also, (and I'm new here, so I hope this doesn't
totally go against the grain of this group) I don't
think it's the parent's job to always make the
children "happy." They have to learn limits, and the
parents have to be the one to set those limits. I've
worked with kids quite a bit, and while they may rebel
against rules and limitations, they actually function
better when what is expected of them, and that not
meeting those expectations has consequences.
HTH a little. :)
Patti
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
[email protected]
>>They have to learn limits, and the parents have to be the one to set those limits.>>Why? Don't the limits come up naturally in life? I know they do in our house. If my son stays up all night he feels awful at work the next day. If my daughter doesn't brush her hair for too long it becomes almost impossible to get the knots out. those are the limits of real life. Why would I want to add more limits on top of that.
--
~Mary
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: Patti Douglas <mrsjohnboy@...>
crissyhall
Hi!
Terri, thank you for your kind words and response. It's good to know
that I'm not alone in feeling like I'm trying but not as good as other
families. And thanks for the reminder that overall that the respectful
attitude is the most important. I guess I just have to be patient
with myself ( ha-so hard for me :) but I am doing better than I was
18 months ago. I am doing most the things you suggested, so that made
me feel better. I just need to keep my sense of humor and not take it
personally I guess. I liked what you said about helping the girls
tell whether what they are saying is helpful or hurtful and whether it
will help them get along better. I love "Raising Your Spirited Child"
(I have 3 out of 4, plus myself) and I just reread the adaptibility
part. I think I need to work on somehow having some predictability
for Nate without having a rigid schedule.
Melissa, thanks for the hug! Ah you overwelmed me with the 7 kids ;)
It's so funny, you always hear about "taking a deep breath" but it's
only recently that I realized how helpful it really is. I get really
tense trying to rush places and the extra oxygen really does relax you
and then the kids start laughing at their mom making big gasping
noises and everybody feels better. Ah soooo true about not being able
to fix things, but to just listen. I don't really talk to my mom
because she tries to fix things and I get mad because I done
everything that can be done; I just wanted to hear," yeah that really
sucks". Duh! That's what my kids want too! I just have to remember
that.
Karen, thanks for the hugs and some back at ya! Oh you are so right,
Nic doesn't get included in with his sisters and he isn't the cute
"baby" and yeah I guess that I would be pissed too. I really do need
to have more "dates" with the kids, one on one, especially him. Later
that day he came to me and asked for a hug, and then that night just
he & I snuggled up to watch TV together. It's so nice to have this
list and hear "give them more time & love" instead of "be stricter,
lay down the law". And thank you for saying I'm a good mom, that
means so much more coming from an unschooling mom :)
Patti, I do need to do better about warning Nate about transistions.
I have used the "5 more minutes" but I don't think it was concrete for
him (especially if sometimes mom gets talking and it turns into 20) I
was thinking about finding some kind of timer that is just his that he
could actually see how much time was left?
Thank you! I'm feeling a lot less overwhelmed and feel like I know
what I need to do now.
Christine
Terri, thank you for your kind words and response. It's good to know
that I'm not alone in feeling like I'm trying but not as good as other
families. And thanks for the reminder that overall that the respectful
attitude is the most important. I guess I just have to be patient
with myself ( ha-so hard for me :) but I am doing better than I was
18 months ago. I am doing most the things you suggested, so that made
me feel better. I just need to keep my sense of humor and not take it
personally I guess. I liked what you said about helping the girls
tell whether what they are saying is helpful or hurtful and whether it
will help them get along better. I love "Raising Your Spirited Child"
(I have 3 out of 4, plus myself) and I just reread the adaptibility
part. I think I need to work on somehow having some predictability
for Nate without having a rigid schedule.
Melissa, thanks for the hug! Ah you overwelmed me with the 7 kids ;)
It's so funny, you always hear about "taking a deep breath" but it's
only recently that I realized how helpful it really is. I get really
tense trying to rush places and the extra oxygen really does relax you
and then the kids start laughing at their mom making big gasping
noises and everybody feels better. Ah soooo true about not being able
to fix things, but to just listen. I don't really talk to my mom
because she tries to fix things and I get mad because I done
everything that can be done; I just wanted to hear," yeah that really
sucks". Duh! That's what my kids want too! I just have to remember
that.
Karen, thanks for the hugs and some back at ya! Oh you are so right,
Nic doesn't get included in with his sisters and he isn't the cute
"baby" and yeah I guess that I would be pissed too. I really do need
to have more "dates" with the kids, one on one, especially him. Later
that day he came to me and asked for a hug, and then that night just
he & I snuggled up to watch TV together. It's so nice to have this
list and hear "give them more time & love" instead of "be stricter,
lay down the law". And thank you for saying I'm a good mom, that
means so much more coming from an unschooling mom :)
Patti, I do need to do better about warning Nate about transistions.
I have used the "5 more minutes" but I don't think it was concrete for
him (especially if sometimes mom gets talking and it turns into 20) I
was thinking about finding some kind of timer that is just his that he
could actually see how much time was left?
Thank you! I'm feeling a lot less overwhelmed and feel like I know
what I need to do now.
Christine
mother_bhaer
>Great! Sometimes it helps to get a fresh perspective or just hear
> Thank you! I'm feeling a lot less overwhelmed and feel like I know
> what I need to do now.
> Christine
>
some confirmation about what we are doing. Glad to help.
Terri (who has 2 kids, both spirited, and a spirited dh)