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The whole post----WOW!

~Kelly, glad that Robyn is here!


In a message dated 6/25/2004 5:27:44 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
dezigna@... writes:

I love nagging questions - for me they are always an area of personal growth
waiting to happen.

It is astonishing to me that anyone would want to include coercion as one of
the tools for getting children to learn specific things, or more accurately
*appear* to learn things by completing a certain amount of schoolwork. Yet
it happens all the time in schooling situations. I would consider it as the
opposite of unschooling.

Or are you meaning coercion relative to other behavior/areas of life than
the "educational component" of unschooling?

Coercion comes from an absence of trust. If a person feels like they have to
use coercion to achieve some goals about their child's behavior or activity,
and say so here, they are likely to be invited to rethink those goals, the
assumptions behind the goals, as well as offered alternative strategies that
are more in keeping with one of the most fundamental principles of
Unschooling - trusting in our children and promoting their trust in us.

So now some musings:

People seem to come to "whole life" Unschooling from two directions. Many
will say in their introductions that Unschooling seemed a natural
progression from attachment parenting and the gamut of gentle child rearing
practices. That is how we came to it. We already had complete freedom around
food (I didn't make candy available to my infant btw, but she sure liked
apple sauce), encouraged computer use, had no bedtime (she just went with
us), allowed potty learning to just happen, and had made an inviolable
commitment to not spanking or punishing - including imposed "consequences".

Honesty compels me to admit that TV freedom I wondered about having read
some of those goofy studies done about brain development. It was causing me
a crisis of integrity because I love the television - not every show on it -
and wanted to be free to watch it. It is very ironic that Jayn is the one
wanting it turned off, and I get to watch way less as she gets older!

I was very happy to find Unschooling, having already concluded that we would
be really, really, really relaxed homeschoolers. It meant that we could live
Jayn's education process in the same way as the rest of our life -
seamlessly. For me and dh the non-coercion came first, and the journey has
been about recognizing/stopping if we use manipulation, and finding better
strategies for problem solving - identifying and elucidating the Principles
instead of Rules (not that we had any - rules that is), chucking away the
baggage of our childhoods and educations instead of constantly opening the
bags and getting stuff out of them to use. Generally just trying to better
grasp what Jayn is communicating and meet those needs.

Other people come to Unschooling from another educational system, living a
life accustomed to regular household rules, and start their journey to
freedom with trusting children to learn whatever they like. Slowly they
renounce schoolish language and thinking (which is often inherently
coercive) and start to see their children blossom again.

Then it often spreads like osmosis to other areas of life, gradually as the
comfort level of each family is challenged. Sometimes people post the same
kind of astounded rush of relief and release of the pressure about "we have
let go of XXXX restrictions and we are all so much happier", as they did
when they first pulled their kid out of public or private school - "I only
wish we had done it sooner" is the number one sentiment expressed on line.

Probably no one on this kind of list wants to be thought of as using
coercion. They use other language from the parenting arsenal like "sensible
limits" or "concern for their safety" or "all living together comfortably".
It is only by talking about people's actual practices, what they *do* and
say to their children in any situation that the full range of what these
phrases really mean comes out.

One person's "sensible limits" means that they don't leave power tools
unattended with a 2 year old and take time to explain that these are
dangerous - perhaps they help them examine all the buttons with the plug out
and show them what the plug looks like. They get them some play tools and
safety goggles. They let them bang a mallet on some spare wood. When they
see their child heading for the workshop door, they go with them or make an
appointment to do some more banging after lunch.

Another's means that they forbid their 2 year old to enter the workshop,
explaining seriously but kindly that it is dangerous in there, then grab the
kid and make them stand in a time out corner if they have gone into the
enticingly mysterious doorway. I have read on line mothers actually
believing that their children (of various ages) spend their time outs
carefully contemplating the crime they committed for which they are being
punished/given consequences. I'm dubious (based on my recollections of my
childhood) that they are making an entirely accurate prediction of their
kids' thoughts at the time.

Sometimes the phrase "all living together comfortably", and its close cousin
"they live here too", have the unspoken assumption that what is comfortable
for the parents is either commensurate with, or takes precedence over, what
is comfortable for the child.

"No coercion whatsoever" is a marvelous goal to have, a true gift to your
children.

Robyn L. Coburn







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