SUBJECT: For the Record 10/08/03

I wrote this to go with a picture of numbers that Ashlyn wrote. The pic is a springboard to qualify my feelings on some issues about our homeschooling. Stop reading now if you don't want to hear about it. Or print and read it later so as not to stir you at an inconvenient time. I don't think it's too provocative, but it's less accusing than the ones I wrote in the past and never sent about our homeschooling decision and defending some points, after feeling attacked and insulted for so long. LOL!! (I have scanned the pic if you want it emailed to you.)

I am copying this to everyone because when I am this excited about something I can hardly contain it. I have kept a lot to myself out of fear of backlash or frustrating misunderstanding. The "people" referred to is not necessarily anyone in particular reading this, but comes from many different experiences from many people, including family, friends, and even strangers over the past few years. So no finger pointing, but if you recognize yourself in here somewhere, don't hesitate to ask me for clarification. Some of you may also be reading this who have never openly questioned me, but you may have unspoken questions or doubts. I hope this addresses it all.

Why do I feel the need to prove what we do works for us? Probably because I don't get the overall impression that I get the benefit of the doubt with this endeavor. So read it or not, groan, laugh, roll your eyes, or heck, nod in agreement. You won't hurt my feelings. Or change my mind :0) I am writing this just as much for me as for anyone else. I'll be cheering myself on even if no one else feels compelled to. LOL So here goes.......

I did not teach Ashlyn(4) how to write those numbers. She learned by living daily life and being a curious kid. This is *the foundation of my homeschooling philosophy*, that kids will learn without coercion what they need to familiarize themselves with the world around them. It doesn't mysteriously stop at some arbitrary age. Christian(2) can count to ten and name colors the same way. No one ever decided they needed to know these things and sat them down and taught them with a program. Just like learning to walk and talk, it's like the air they breathe.

Learning is everywhere, there is no magic formula for kids to be filled with regimented instruction, they will seek it on their own as long as their curiosity hasn't been stamped out by drilling and forceful teaching and controlling and shaming for not performing. Learning comes from desire and interest and is retained because it has personal meaning. Memorizing facts at school to be sometimes forgotten or discarded because they are not relevant or useful personally is not the same. I say these things from experience of my schooling, Megan's schooling, and others' experiences that have been shared with me. YMMV-- Your Mileage May Vary.

My job in the capacity of homeschooling and parenting in general is to provide a loving, rich, nurturing environment and lots of guidance. Lots of exposure to important and interesting things about our world and the past. Setting good examples for reading, researching, and finding out new things everyday. Imparting a sense of discovery and fascination about so many things about our existence in this life. Paying a lot of attention and noticing when my kids need something, or want to learn more about something without pushing them into my own agenda. With my tendency to be dramatic about such things, these goals are actually accomplished rather simply and beautifully.

Megan (11) learns the same way as my younger two. And we are happy and joyful living and learning this way and no one is going to change that LOL. I am not saying these things to start a debate, I just don't know that I've ever explained what we do and why quite this way. I get regular evidence like this picture, or a conversation, or many other clues and intimate knowledge and daily affirmation of how and what my children learn. It's amazing. I am absolutely confident in how this works. I have gotten defensive, not that I don't believe in this valid decision, but that people don't have faith that I'm intelligent enough to know what I'm doing with my kids. We appreciate other peoples' concerns, but we find most fears to be unfounded. Generally, they are false assumptions or lack of information.

We absolutely know what we are doing. And we don't criticize or find fault with other's decisions now or in the past on how to educate their children. To each his own! Schools serve their own purpose and meet the needs of some, but they are not the answer for every child or family. We just wish more people would believe in us and not openly criticize and look for deficits to dismiss our whole lifestyle.

It took me a year and a half to make the decision to bring Megan home, it wasn't something I did lightly. I tried everything I knew to help her be successful in school, including some ganging up on her with the school staff that I horribly regret. I researched and read and deliberated, and I finally just went for it. I do not regret it for one second, except for not doing it sooner. Believe that I am doing what I think is in her best interest, no other reason. We are doing this from love and trust, not fear. And we trust all of our children to give them a choice to go to public school at anytime. I am no martyr, but a lot of personal sacrifice goes into homeschooling, it is not the path of least resistance. In other words, I am not doing it to take the easy way out of school, just as I don't think schooling parents are doing it likewise. Each have their own demands and stresses, I have been down both roads. At the same time, I don't find homeschooling too much to ask of myself, I find it a worthy investment. My choices are based on my own findings and experiences and values, not reflective of anyone else's choice.

As I've said all along, there are no guarantees. Going to school does not guarantee a great education and a happy, successful life. Nor does homeschooling. But Megan is learning that she can trust herself and her curiosity, that she can do anything she sets her mind to, that she can make her own decisions slowly with confidence and support from me. She wasn't getting that in school, she was getting "you don't know what you need, so for your own good, do as we say, don't think for yourself. Do this or else." She was not learning much, and she was becoming more withdrawn and defiant. Her spark was gone. It is taking a long time for her to heal and blossom again, but I have already seen enough to know we made the right decision.

People may never understand my perspective. There are some great books that would help to understand, like the Unschooling Handbook by Mary Griffith, the Homeschooling Book of Answers by Linda Dobson, anything by John Holt or John Taylor Gatto. It seems no one who debates with me wants to hear or understand or learn about the mechanics of it, they just want to find fault and make disparaging comments. To justify their own choice? To defend any perceived criticism of their lifestyle, where there is none implied? Who knows.

I do know I have a two year-end portfolios completed, no one has looked or asked to look if they were aware of them. Sometimes it seems like some are only looking for reasons to justify not believing in our choice, not rejoicing in our successes. That's okay. I understand. I'll try not to take it so personally anymore. I don't want it to be a source of conflict and ill feelings.

I also know when I was going over Worldbook's Scope and Sequence for end of last school year that Megan had covered everything but two small details. Without scheduling any lessons by me. Does anyone realize that the curriculum for 5th grade at (current local school) is not the same as (previous local school) or any other public school? The bureaucrats cannot not agree on a nationwide or even statewide curriculum. So I use Worldbook's and a book I have on custom curriculums. A lot of the stuff is repetitive from year to year. They keep going over the same stuff. She may not get the exact lesson in the exact order of school, but I'm assured she gets just as much retained and probably more. We count every moment of the day as learning, and she easily gets her 900 hours a year just by writing things down that look remotely educational.

Not to mention her overall attitude and maturity have progressed so much. What may not be outwardly visible to others is crystal clear to me. She still has a lot of spirited qualities in her personality that nothing will change. I'm learning different responses and ways to handle them, and she is learning to better utilize them. That's a whole 'nother email and book recommendation!

So here's hope to new understanding. We celebrate this lifestyle and have found immeasurable joy, and we want folks to be happy for us. Just as we are happy when folks are living the life they want to lead. Of course it isn't perfect, we have our bad moments and bad days, make our fair share of mistakes, but I still thank God every day Megan is who she is and her "problems" were opportunities to lead us to a wonderful journey.

If I never breathe another word about homeschooling to anyone, this is my position for the record.

In mutual respect,

Angela

Q: Since eliminating contact with these family members is not possible, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can minimize the effects of these "lectures" on the boys?

A: As someone who has cut off all contact with members of my own extended family, I would encourage you to consider whether or not you really can cut them off. If you decide you can't do that, here's what I did with my Dad (I was tempted to cut him off, but offered him a choice first). On a visit to my home (he'd driven 2,000 miles) he launched into some political rant, in front of my then 4yo. I told him to stop, that his opinions weren't welcome. He replied by saying he didn't know I 'felt this way' he'd never heard me talk this way before. I explained that when I was a girl, living in his home, I didn't argue because it was his home and not worth the fight. Now it was my home, and my child and I will decide what behaviors/words will be welcome around my child in our home. Further, if he couldn't get his act together and do as I wished, he wouldn't be invited to be part of my son's life, whether in our home or anywhere else. Surprisingly, his behavior improved considerably.

He doesn't argue politics or anything else with me, anywhere. It's rare he even brings it up at all. Of course, you have to be willing to play the grandchildren card, and ready to back it up if pushed.

Sylvia