I really can't imagine villifying anything in their lives that they might find very exciting. Well, I can imagine it, so I guess that's why I don't do it. —Jenstarc4, in TV discussion on the Always Learning list

Pam Sorooshian:

Unschooling requires you to take joy in life. It requires you to appreciate the wonders of the world. Every minute you spend being cynical and paranoid is a minute of your life with your children that you have wasted and can never get back again. During that minute, you could have had a relationship-building experience together, but you created negativity in your lives, instead.

More Aware of my own Reactions In a chat on positive attitudes, Renee Smock wrote something very inspiring about her journey from negativity to better unschooling and better relationships. Renee S.: I've recently come to realize how my attitude hindered my unschooling for a long time. I felt like I "got" unschooling right away.. but could never figure out why it wasn't working for me. Initially when we decided to homeschool - (mostly because of an article I read about unschooling when my daugher was 5) I was so happy and saw joy everywhere. Then somewhere along the way.... I started seeing a lot of negatives - I didn't like the way my husband intereacted with the kids, didn't like being around people at park day, my kids were fighting a lot, and I didn't know how to make it stop. Luckily, I had someone in my life willing to tell me that it was coming from within me and If I changed my perspective on it, it would change. I think initially I thought if I unschooled, I would magically have the kids I read about online (like some of yours) ;) I thought they just wouldn't have outbursts (fights, etc) anymore. But, now I think I have accepted that no parenting/schooling/unsc​hooling will change some of the stages, emotions, etc. of the kids. But, as I am more aware of my own reactions to it all—it passes more peacefully and I feel better about myself and how Im interacting with the kids—which of course has led to better interactions with my husband and he is interacting with the kids differently. I really feel like the biggest shift is how I see it and how I am reacting. But, the complaining about it was pretty comfortable for a long time..... but never brought me any happy results. Rebecca Allen: Renee, complaining about what? Renee S.: Complaining about my husband, how long it took to get out of the house, how I didn't want to go to the store on the way home, how I was cold at the park... you name it, I complained about it. It was done in humor and I told myself it was innocent venting to friends, but it was shaping my attitude about parenting, homeschooling, etc..... which led to more unhappiness and more complaining ;) Sandra Dodd: How long ago did you see that negativity and start to change? Renee S.: I started seeing it more than 6 months ago.. and have only really shifted my attitude in the last 3 months or so. (the catalyst for change was your talk at the HSC conf) It was the closing talk—it was Sandra's talk. Specifically she said that each relationship can only withstand so many mean comments, actions, etc. and I started taking stock of how many of those things I had done (mostly to my husband) but also to the kids. It was a wake up call. [Some discussion of where to find that talk to buy, and I called Pam Sorooshian to ask her to check.] Sandra Dodd: Renee, so now that you're settled into believing that being positive is (what... crucial? Necessary? Beneficial?), what advice would you give to a new unschooler? Renee S.: First... I would follow the advice you're already giving -- go gradually and learn before doing. I didn't go all "no rules, go crazy" but I did get rid of somethings (like a pretty good, non-arbitrary bedtime routine) that were really working - and caused a lot of disruption in the meantime. If I would have gone at it a bit more gradually I think I would have had less frustration and less conflict with my husband. JulieD: How old are your children Renee (sorry if I missed that) Sandra Dodd: And were they in school before? Renee S.: My kids are 7 and 5. They were 5 and 3 when I found unschooling and decided not to send my daughter to school. Never been in school I think that I have also shifted from looking for a result (like tradtional parenting sort of produces) - to accepting that is more about a way of being. JulieD: I love that whole "way of being". My mother in law is with us at the moment and she commented this afternoon on how much learning Adam has done today. And she's right - he has - but I kind of take that for granted these days because it's all part of our way of being. Which is nice. And all the learning was just part of what we happened to be doing today. But when she listed it all out it sounded quite impressive!! Renee S. I used to read stuff like that and think all that learning would just happen..... I now know that way of being and all that learning comes from a lot of time together. That is what I was unprepared for I think... all the time we'd be spending together. - even though the reason I didn't want Kaitlyn to go to school was because I wasn't ready to be away from her. I see that sometimes at museums.. parents wanting kids to "learn" and they miss what the kids are really wanting to discover or look at. ... That part of unschooling (stopping to watch the escalator for 30 mins. or something) has always been easy for me. It's the parenting stuff that has always been hard for me. Renee had agreed to be quoted. I e-mailed her: Okay, THANK YOU for all this great writing. I don't know whether to put it on "gradual change" or "getting it" or "negativity" or its own page with a link from each of those. Maybe you could look at these and see if you have a preference or suggestion. http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange http://sandradodd.com/gettingit http://sandradodd.com/negativity She responded (and let me keep the response): What Jenny says on the "getting it" page seems very close to my experience, so maybe that is a good page. But, I never felt that it was a problem of getting it as much as it was doing it. Negativity would be a good place, since my issues I think pretty much came directly from negativity. I don't think my issues really come from not going more gradually. There are a few minor things that should have gone more gradually, but I think our issues are coming directly from my attitude and the tone that it sets in the home. And, definitely my negativity. It's my negativity that leads to everyone else's negativity. (my husband accurately accused me once of being the only wife to complain about her husband doing the dishes)—I don't complain about that anymore. but, imagine the tone that sets: doing something nice for someone and they get irritated.

Schuyler Waynforth, February 2010:

Often if I'm stuck not being able to see the positive in something, I need to quit looking at it. I need to look at other things. I need to find something to move forward to instead of whirling and twirling around the angsty thing. Make the angry thing small and insignificant, turn away from it, look for bright and shiny things to distract you, look at tiny things that give you pleasure, look at large things that you didn't appreciate fully the first time around. Turning toward joy will definitely make it harder to feel stymied in the negative.

What makes you feel good? I like a root beer float and a chip butty when I'm feeling particularly low. It doesn't make anything external better, but it does help a lot with my internals. Stock your cupboards with things that bring you pleasure, fix meals that make you happy, play games that you enjoy. Smile, laugh, swing, skip, dance, listen to music and play. Sometimes it may feel contrived, but try not to dwell on that, try and move it forward to not being contrived, like laugh therapy.

When your husband feels bad, bring him something nice, a piece of cake, a hug, a gentle touch, a thank you for something. Don't see his low point as something that you have to compete with for attention. And don't see it as a personal attack. Just see it as an unhappy moment, a point of stress, a need to express something to a safe ear. It isn't self-sacrifice to work for your team. It's teamwork.

***Because im still not convinced.***

What made you consider unschooling? Why did you decide against school? It's not our job to convince you of anything. We offer ideas to people who are interested in how unschooling works. But if you think there is something of value in this philosophy then it's up to you to do the research *you* require to be convinced either way. To either say, yes there's something here or no, it's not for me. We can answer questions along the way.

***Because some just watch TV. End. Then just play video games. Period. No tangents. No inspired learning. No pursuits, no follow up. No questions. No discussions. ***

I've asked you before and I think others have too, tell us what your kid likes.

Really, it helps some people to focus on the positive. Because I really get from your posts that you're very negative. Maybe you're not in real life, but the way these posts come through you're showing us a lot of negativity about your kid.

I don't mean to be harsh. I think it's an important part of why you're struggling with some of these unschooling concepts. I can't remember the last nice thing you wrote about your child.

It's not always easy to stay positive when we're worried (especially about our kids) but we can't help you with the worry if you're stuck in a moment you can't get out of. (Plagiarism!) (Thank you Bono)

Please tell us what your kid likes to do, what does he consider to be themost fun, what does he like to eat, what does he think about? It will help, I promise.

I will bet you quantities of cash that there are untold connections in your child's mind when he's watching his favorite shows and playing his favorite games. Just because an interest doesn't take off and take tangible form doesn't mean it's not real. Just because you're not seeing a physical manifestation of his intellectual life doesn't mean there's nothing going on.

***And all the cool stuff your kids did only makes me feel that much more frustrated.***

Your son is nine? I think we start comparing our kids to other kids about this age, some before, but really about this age because they seem so big in so many ways. We're saying goodbye to our babies and we're looking for our grown kids and missing this incredible person in between. And it can be, for the child, a difficult time when the most beloved toys and games of childhood are losing their appeal and the very cool stuff of the world of adults still seems too hard and too far away.

What kinds of things do you do with him? What do you talk about? What are some of *your* interests and how do they manifest themselves in your family life? What example do you set for your child? Do you love life or are you bored? Do you love to learn or are you dispassionate? When you see a bug do you wonder what it is or do you squish it? These are all things to consider when we're wondering whether we're providing the most interesting life possible for our kids. It starts with us.

Deb Lewis

Nancy (CelticFrau)

Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.—Proverbs 15:7
(provided by Nancy Wooton, who knows these things)

From Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

President Cohen, when I told him I was going to do this talk, he said, please tell them about having fun, because that’s what I remember you for. And I said, I can do that, but it’s kind of like a fish talking about the importance of water. I mean I don’t know how to not have fun. I’m dying and I’m having fun. And I’m going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there’s no other way to play it.

So my next piece of advice is, you just have to decide if you’re a Tigger or and Eeyore. [shows slide with an image of Tigger and Eeyore with the phrase “Decide if you’re Tigger or Eeyore”] I think I’m clear where I stand on the great Tigger/Eeyore debate. [laughter] Never lose the childlike wonder. It’s just too important. It’s what drives us. Help others.

There's video of that lecture here: http://wms.andrew.cmu.edu/001/pausch.wmv.
Thanks to Robyn Coburn and and Schuyler Waynforth for those links.

***I agree with you wholeheatedly, that corporations are evil and that they can be unscrupulous in their advertising AND that this can have negative impacts on our children as they grow. The impact may not be obvious and unless you yourself are aware of these strategies you may unwittingly make your children pawns in the corporations evil intentions. ***

Good Golly! So the impacts aren't obvious unless one is aware of them... That speaks volumes!

I suppose if one goes out to look for evil in the world, they will undoubtedly find it, it's there all right, all around us. There's war and crime and hunger and catastrophic destruction and volcanic eruptions and tsunamis and earthquakes and and and and.......

Why IN THE WORLD would anyone want to live in a place like that, we should all just kill ourselves now?! OR we could find peace and happiness and thrive in that world, the one that has sunshine and rainbows and beautiful children and friendly dogs and libraries and art and tasty garden vegetables and home made hot chocolate and fire places to curl up next to. I'll take the latter thank you very much!

Phrases to Avoid "If I let him, he would...." Dire Predictions from real parents

Wonder Joy Choices

Yes! Mindful Parenting Parenting Peacefully

Here's a quote Chris Sanders saved from a post I wrote:

‎"When people are very cynical, they seem to think that if all the things they think are stupid are eliminated, what's left will be non-stupid. Smartness. Cleverness. Art. Good music. But once so many things are eliminated, what's left is a cynical person who has rejected half the world, and has the memories of all the details of that negativity." ~ Sandra Dodd