On a list, a mom wrote: "Not at all! I wasn't thinking that way at all." That was in response to my having said it involved deprivation to have written that someone might have felt gypped out of a meal. I haven't had a thought anything LIKE feeling "gypped out of a meal" for at least 18 years, as long as my oldest has been eating anything. That's why I saw it as a deprivational and negative statement. If food isn't measured and timed, then how could someone really miss a meal, let alone be cheated out of one? Sometimes what's revealed by a person's writing is not only more than she intended to reveal, but more than she was conscious of having thought. Yet there the words are. Last week someone wrote me a long letter, part of which was this: "It took me awhile to realize that your perspective as an outsider gave you a look at things I posted about myself and my family that was better than I could see as I was living it." Not only do you not need to defend yourself when someone notices what you might have written, but in many ways you can't! You did choose the phrase "gypped out of a meal." It must mean something. And it's not a horrible bad thing, it's just an indication that you're looking for the bad things in the situation. What will be wrong about it? I have that skill/curse too, that I see the worst scenarios. But you can practice being accepting of whatever cool things come along, and providing more opportunities for coolness to unfold. Sandra

Below is a Sandra Dodd response to someone who had contradicted herself, in a discussion about why her child is lying. It is brought here, though, for the use of the word "semantics":

        You are right- for the purposes of being absolutely clear and not having you waste your time by pointing out the semantics of what I said...

Pointing out the words people use is never a waste of time.

Showing people that they have expressed their thoughts in writing in words of their own choosing and posted them is often THE BEST, the most effective way, of moving them from the plateau of *thinking* they get it, because they can recite back the answers, and really, truly, honestly getting it in a way that creates a better environment for learning and being.

The word "semantics" is used like "KING'S X" by people who don't want to really think about what they're writing and thinking.

         for the purposes of being absolutely clear and not having you waste your time

I chose to spend time on that, no one "had me" do it. That's an important distinction.
It's not a waste of time.

On getting it:
http://sandradodd.com/unschool/gettingit
http://sandradodd.com/ifonly

On words:
http://sandradodd.com/wordswords

If people can come to understand why it matters whether they use "teach" or "learn," they can start to get other subtleties and REALLY start thinking their own thoughts, consciously and mindfully.

Saying what one means rather than using phrases without thinking is very, very important.

Hearing what I say as a mom is crucial to mindfulness.

If I don't notice what I say, if I don't even hear myself, how can I expect my kids to hear me?
If I say things without having carefully chosen each word, am I really communicating?

Sandra

Once in a while someone says "just semantics." Here's the follow-up to one of those times. Green is Sandra. Black is other moms quoted.

Yes..... but email conversation is a matter of communicating and often that means back and forth, dialogue. Not all back and forth is backpedaling. It's seeing where you left someone behind and trying to clarify retroactively.

This list is more than just an e-mail conversation, though. If two people are trading e-mail back and forth, that's a conversation. This is a discussion with an archive which new readers use to catch up on the topics.

That's not just semantics.

Context plays a part in it, and so do presuppositions, of course. ... With the best will in the world, sometimes misunderstandings and disagreements crop up that are more semantic than real. It makes it interesting and challenging, but sometimes frustrating at the same time.

Here are some quotes from moms. I just grabbed a little chunk of the "if i let" list ( http://sandradodd.com/ifilet )

Read them and see whether you think "just semantics."

"My boys are lazy and it seems like if left to their own devices they'd just watch TV and play with toys or computer games all day."

"If I let them they would sit in front of the TV ALL day."

"I have one that would sit in front of the TV all day everyday."

"If left to his own devices, my son would eat sugar all day."

Did the first one not indicate that she believes her boys are lazy?
Did the fourth one not tell hundreds of strangers in public that her son (who is not left to his own devices) would eat sugar all day, if he had the chance?

When someone states something clearly, we don't need to ask for clarification.
Almost always, someone will mention what it seems she wrote and ask whether she might not do better to change her beliefs or practices, but the original statement stands as a matter of public record—recorded, in public, written by someone who chose to write, who knew she was posting in public.

Sandra

Those who think discussion of terminology is stupid should really be on another list, I think. "Just semantics" isn't a phrase that leads to clarity; it's a shield used by those who have no real interest in words (or probably more likely by those without what Howard Gardner calls linguistic intelligence.

the rest of that is here

Some of this is about the anarchy thread, but it's not, really. It's about how these discussions change people's lives.

-=-I didn't really intend to get bogged down in a discussion about the meanings of words.-=-(wrote someone who gets to be anonymous now)

It's not a bog, it's a bouquet!
Words are all we have here, and each poster gets to choose words.

-=-Rather than saying "dawdle isn't a nice word, you shouldn't use it" I think it is more sensible to say "OK, she dawdled, but is that necessarily bad?"-=-

If you know how we should all post, you don't need the list then.
If more experienced unschoolers believe that it would help you to look at the terminology you've chosen, you might want to consider that they had a reason to take their own time and energy to point it out to you. No one's trying to harm you; people are trying to help you.

2 Expect your beliefs to be challenged. Welcome this as an opportunity to critically examine your own ideas.
4. If you have a belief or practice that you don't want held up to public examination, don't post it to the list.

Those are two of the posting policies. Others are here:
http://sandradodd.com/lists/info

How the Unschooling Discussion can Help You
http://sandradodd.com/lists/help (something very nice that Joyce wrote a few years ago)

Things other people have written:
http://sandradodd.com/lists/comments

and...

"I have been reading the list and really appreciate that participants give a heartfelt response and not something wishy washy.....There are few places in my world that welcome this."
"Thanks for your wise words and advice.... I'm amazed...
This list...inspire[s] me to be a better mother every day.... Thank you, LIST!"
"...things that you have said to me at times have really been helpful to me—although not always seeming to be so in the first place..."
"... it has really expanded my world in such a good way."
"I find myself googling things more and wanting to know more about EVERYTHING!"
"...I realize that you are "REAL' and tell it like it is and you get a person to really think!"
I have really found this list to be eye-opening and inspiring.

Sandra

Mindfulness Mindful Parenting Parenting Peacefully