[UnschoolingDiscussion] non-judgmental
Rhonda McDowell
A counsellor once said something that helped me to accept my parents,
instead of continually hoping they would change and finally be doting
parents or grandparents. She said expecting them to be healthy parents was
like trying to get toy poodles pulls a dog sled in the Itidarod. That
visual helped me to finally start to "let go" of those expectations. I read
somewhere that the younger a child is, the more forgiving they often are.
Also, that the more a parent does actually change for the better, the easier
it is for kids to forgive, whether asked for forgiveness or not.
If I could have seen my molester truly change, that would have helped a lot.
It wouldn't have hurt to hear him acknowledge his actions and ask my
forgiveness. Instead, he denied it all, did it to others, and tried to make
us feel like we were the perverts. I was entitled to my anger and to
working it out on my own timetable. Now, 30 years later, it's like it
happened to someone else in another lifetime.
I still have a lot of fear issues and find that I'm hyper-vigilant with my
own girls.
Rhonda
instead of continually hoping they would change and finally be doting
parents or grandparents. She said expecting them to be healthy parents was
like trying to get toy poodles pulls a dog sled in the Itidarod. That
visual helped me to finally start to "let go" of those expectations. I read
somewhere that the younger a child is, the more forgiving they often are.
Also, that the more a parent does actually change for the better, the easier
it is for kids to forgive, whether asked for forgiveness or not.
If I could have seen my molester truly change, that would have helped a lot.
It wouldn't have hurt to hear him acknowledge his actions and ask my
forgiveness. Instead, he denied it all, did it to others, and tried to make
us feel like we were the perverts. I was entitled to my anger and to
working it out on my own timetable. Now, 30 years later, it's like it
happened to someone else in another lifetime.
I still have a lot of fear issues and find that I'm hyper-vigilant with my
own girls.
Rhonda
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sylvia Toyama" <sylgt04@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 2004 6:00 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: remaining non-judgmental
> The sadness, hurt and anger you may have felt as a child were
> legitimate emotions. I think trying to forgive keeps you trapped as that
little child that has to somehow still believe that her parent loves her, in
spite of the evidence to the contrary.
>
> *************
>
> I don't feel like their little child. I know my feelings were legitimate
and valid. My Dad loves me as best HE can -- my standard is just higher.
My Mom loves me, and has really come far in apologizing for her ways, tho
she's not entirely there yet. Someday, she will be.
>
> ********
>
> I tried for years to truly forgive my Dad for the things he did to me. It
never really worked. I get along with him fine now and can enjoy his
company. He has to treat me with respect now that I am an adult. The
relationship is different, he is still the same person, and he (as always)
professes to love me.
> ********
>
> Forgiveness, to me, doesn't mean his actions were right, or that I
overreacted. It simply means I've chosen not to be angry about them
anymore; not to blame my Dad for my lot in life; not to brand him
unacceptable (tho there are limits imposed by me to his relationships with
my children). Forgiveness doesn't mean the offender is free to repeat his
wrongs, only that the person wronged has let go of the anger and pain. Of
course, your interpretation may be different.
>
> I have negotiated a reasonably comfortable relationship with my Dad, and
it was my choice to do that. I would not have been able to do that had I
not forgiven him -- it's just how I'm wired. I've learned a lot about my
Dad's childhood and early adulthood in the last 20 years. I now understand
how he got so damaged. I felt I had to do that, because one of my sons is
very innately like the good parts of my Dad, and it scared me. Sadly, their
shared qualities weren't seen as such when Dad was a young boy. Gary & I
joke that Andy is my Dad with love and honesty. I am determined to make
Andy's life so much more than my Dad's is/was. To do that, I needed to
understand my Dad.
>
> Syl
>
>
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[email protected]
In a message dated 8/12/04 6:40:29 AM, foto.bug@... writes:
<< If I could have seen my molester truly change, that would have helped a
lot.
It wouldn't have hurt to hear him acknowledge his actions and ask my
forgiveness. Instead, he denied it all, did it to others, and tried to make
us feel like we were the perverts. >>
It helps a LOT in the area of forgiveness if the person wants forgiveness.
It helps if the person is sorry.
And it helps, at first, if they apologize.
But if they apologize regularly, then repeat the behavior, and apologize
again, and repeat the behavior, the apologies start to be meaningless. And
unfortunately substance abusers are some of the worst in that area. Their sober self
IS griefstricken at what their drunk or stoned self did. But unless they
stop drinking or using drugs, it's hard to forgive.
But the "resolve" thing can work. You can encapsulate them in your mind as a
person who did the best he could do under the circumstances, and just figure
out how to keep your own self-image separate and to keep your kids safer from
the problem than you were.
It's a kind of forgiveness. At least you can get clear about what wasn't
your own fault, so you can move on and away from it.
Sandra
<< If I could have seen my molester truly change, that would have helped a
lot.
It wouldn't have hurt to hear him acknowledge his actions and ask my
forgiveness. Instead, he denied it all, did it to others, and tried to make
us feel like we were the perverts. >>
It helps a LOT in the area of forgiveness if the person wants forgiveness.
It helps if the person is sorry.
And it helps, at first, if they apologize.
But if they apologize regularly, then repeat the behavior, and apologize
again, and repeat the behavior, the apologies start to be meaningless. And
unfortunately substance abusers are some of the worst in that area. Their sober self
IS griefstricken at what their drunk or stoned self did. But unless they
stop drinking or using drugs, it's hard to forgive.
But the "resolve" thing can work. You can encapsulate them in your mind as a
person who did the best he could do under the circumstances, and just figure
out how to keep your own self-image separate and to keep your kids safer from
the problem than you were.
It's a kind of forgiveness. At least you can get clear about what wasn't
your own fault, so you can move on and away from it.
Sandra