diana

How do I explain to my kids that what I am doing is different without
dredging up a past that my mom and I have both left behind?

****************************************

My kids spend lots of time with my parents... 20 years ago I would
have sworn to you that I would NEVER allow that to happen. The fact
is, they are FAR better at grandparenting than they ever were at
parenting. It's human evolution at it's finest and I'm very lucky to
witness it. Upon returning from a fun date with them, Hannah
remarked, "It must have been SO fun to grow up with them!" Without
being a total fun-killer, I explained that I am glad she has fun with
her grandparents but her relationship with them is really very
different than when *I* was her age. I didn't go into specifics, but
did talk about spanking, yelling, and the lack of respect in our
home. It was the greatest lesson I could have given her on "When we
know better, we do better." I have no fear of my children being hit,
having food withheld or being shamed when with my parents. My
children have the strength to stand up for themselves that I never
had and my parents are so grateful for my children's love and my
forgiveness that it wouldn't enter their minds at this point. My dad
doesn't even smoke in his own house when my kids are over!

DH reconciled with his absent father when we were 28, saw him for the
first time since age 3 when we were 29... Mitch didn't want his Dad
at that point, he wanted a grandfather for his children. He was open
enough to allow his children to have a relationship with a man with
whom he had NOT had relationship because he felt it was their right
to have their OWN perspective on the man, Mitch's feelings aside.
Had they not been dying of cancer at the same time, I have no doubt
Mitch would have been at the man's side for his last moments of
life.

~diana, Queen of Everything

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/2/2004 2:39:06 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
hahamommy@... writes:
Upon returning from a fun date with them, Hannah
remarked, "It must have been SO fun to grow up with them!"
========

COOL!

If they have you as a model, and their grandparents *now* as models, maybe
their kids will have lots of fun growing up.

-=- It was the greatest lesson I could have given her on "When we
know better, we do better." -=-

Good phrase. Good story and I'm glad your parents are getting to make up
for somethings indirectly, and you're getting to see that they know better.

-=-Had they not been dying of cancer at the same time, I have no doubt
Mitch would have been at the man's side for his last moments of
life. -=-

I have a big pang of sorrow for you every time you remind us of your loss,
but I never mind being reminded that I should appreciate my husband even when
he's irritating. And I'm sorry yours is gone too soon.

Sandra


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/2/2004 4:39:05 PM Eastern Standard Time,
hahamommy@... writes:
>>I explained that I am glad she has fun with
her grandparents but her relationship with them is really very
different than when *I* was her age. I didn't go into specifics, but
did talk about spanking, yelling, and the lack of respect in our
home. It was the greatest lesson I could have given her on "When we
know better, we do better." <<
*************************************
I wonder if, from your parents view, they're trying to make up for the
mistakes they made when you were younger. I see this in my parents. My mom has
apologized a few times for not doing something, or doing something wrong when I
was a kid. It's funny, because some things she feels bad about I don't even
remember, or was not bothered by it!

I think I will be a good grandma some day. I have learned (mostly through
this list) how to be kinder to my children. I WANT the chance to be kinder,
more attentive, more mindful to a child from the very start of their lives.
Maybe I can help my children do the same for their kids.

Nancy B.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

pam sorooshian

Nancy - this is so nicely said. I read it and realized I feel the exact
same way. My mom was a pretty good mom - but was very young when she
had kids and had to deal with problems with my dad (not always being
there, sometimes getting into too much drinking, etc). But she was a
GREAT grandmother - absolutely the very best grandmother possible. AND
a great mom of grown women to me and my two sisters. I want to be that
too - and support my girls in being kind and wonderful to their own
children "from the start."

-pam

On Aug 2, 2004, at 7:31 PM, CelticFrau@... wrote:

> I think I will be a good grandma some day. I have learned (mostly
> through
> this list) how to be kinder to my children. I WANT the chance to be
> kinder,
> more attentive, more mindful to a child from the very start of their
> lives.
> Maybe I can help my children do the same for their kids.
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.

Laura Bourdo

> Date: Tue, 3 Aug 2004 00:42:01 -0700
> From: pam sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...>

> Nancy - this is so nicely said. I read it and realized I feel the exact
> same way. My mom was a pretty good mom - but was very young when she
> had kids and had to deal with problems with my dad (not always being
> there, sometimes getting into too much drinking, etc). But she was a
> GREAT grandmother - absolutely the very best grandmother possible. AND
> a great mom of grown women to me and my two sisters. I want to be that
> too - and support my girls in being kind and wonderful to their own
> children "from the start."
>
> -pam


Nancy and Pam -- (and others)

I am so glad that you have experienced transormations in your parents as
they have become grandparents. You should count your blessings every day.
That's an incredible gift.

And even for those of us who have not been blessed in such a way, there is a
lot of hope in what you have to say, because WE can learn from our own
situations. I look SO forward to being a grandmother, myself, and being
what I always longed for for my children. Every kid should have a wonderful
grandparent, and my awareness of what they missed out on because of the
human frailties of their grandparents makes me that much more determined.

This is going to be so much FUN -- and I shouldn't have that much longer to
wait, what with my 19yo dd in a serious relationship and all... :-)

Laura B.

Andrea Burlingame

Nancy B. wrote:

==My mom has
apologized a few times for not doing something, or doing something wrong
when I
was a kid. It's funny, because some things she feels bad about I don't even
remember, or was not bothered by it!==

My mom has recently been doing the same thing--"admitting" her regrets
regarding her parenting to me--and what she regrets aren't the things that
upset me when I was a kid. What she is sorry about is more related to her
new fundamentalist religious views. It's a bit frustrating to listen to her
apologize for things that didn't even consider a problem at all, like going
out dancing when I was old enough to babysit my brothers and sisters, yet
continue in the things that did, like laying guilt-trips and screaming at
me (now via email about my unsaved soul!) Sheesh.

~Andrea