mamaaj2000

--- In [email protected], Julie Bogart
<julie@b...> wrote:

> Anyway, perhaps the principle might be that when you feel you need
to
> say "no," it helps to give the context for the "no" and also search
for
> a possible "yes" solution for the one requesting your involvement.
> Seems like we need to communicate more than "I will" or "I want to"
or
> "I won't" or "I can't" in order for this to work.

I've been wanting to respond to Sheila's posts and this seems like a
good place to jump in. It sounds (from comfortably far away, I
realize) like there have been lots of power struggles, both growing
up and now with the kids.

It's taken quite a while for me to learn that there's a third option,
rather than just choosing who, the parent or the child, is going to
win the power struggle. Avoiding the power struggle is the best way.

Sometimes, with a child able and willing to discuss the issue,
negociation and brainstorming is good to avoid fighting about it, or
having one person feeling put out. Other times, empathizing with
feelings "I know it's hard to wait for Mommy to finish the dishes" or
distraction and diversion (playing with water, cups and bowls will
Mommy cleans up)...or whatever you work out with your kids.

It's not so much the specific solution for any one situation, it's
seeing that third option. On another list, people were hearing "not
controling" TV watching as meaning they couldn't have any influence
over what their children did. No, there's something in between.

Flylady's 15 minute cleaning sessions can work if the kids get into
using timers and knowing their turn is coming. Some kids, some adults.

Sheila, I again recommend Kurcinka's "Power Struggles" book. If the
kids are used to getting your attention by winning a power struggle,
it's going to be some work to help them understand they aren't losing
if you do something without them for a little while.

--aj

Julie Bogart

Question.

I have been thinking about the "yes" and "no" discussion. What do you
think of this as a principle for how to say yes or no?

Perhaps we need to get honest with ourselves and each other.

I had the following situation last summer. My 13 year old daughter had
a very active social life. She wanted to go out with friends most
nights of the week and usually needed rides that were 30 minutes round
trip to get where she wanted to go.

I wanted to say yes as much as possible and did for four weeks until I
was dreading another request for a ride.

I finally told her that I wanted her to have a wonderful summer with
friends and I would do all I could to facilitate it, but I needed to do
it less because I found myself dreading her requests instead of looking
forward to them. We have four other kids who needed me too and I was
spending too much time in the car. I asked her thoughts and she told me
that she felt frustrated that she had so few alternatives for rides.

We tried to brainstorm some ways to make us both happy. She brought the
kids to our house a few times instead of going out, she got a few rides
and I drove a little less. I took a one week break once just to have a
vacation. :) During that week, my husband did more of the driving. Once
my son got his license, he helped even more.

Anyway, perhaps the principle might be that when you feel you need to
say "no," it helps to give the context for the "no" and also search for
a possible "yes" solution for the one requesting your involvement.
Seems like we need to communicate more than "I will" or "I want to" or
"I won't" or "I can't" in order for this to work.

What do you think?

Julie B


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/3/04 10:36:04 AM, julie@... writes:

<< Anyway, perhaps the principle might be that when you feel you need to
say "no," it helps to give the context for the "no" and also search for
a possible "yes" solution for the one requesting your involvement.
Seems like we need to communicate more than "I will" or "I want to" or
"I won't" or "I can't" in order for this to work.

<<What do you think?>>

Sounds pretty good.

I think it covers not saying no arbitrarily, and modelling problem solving
strategies.

The idea is to facilitate the kids' busy lives. The idea is not to be the
sole facilitator!

And as to boredom or feeling overwhelmed with kid-need on everyday-days, I
don't think anything comes close to having other kids over more, or maybe a
mother's helper. Kids can do more in their own homes just with the addition of
another human. Lego is different, Barbies are different, the swingset is
different, the videos are different, if the new kid has new ideas and methods and
knowledge.

Sandra

Danielle Conger

Julie B wrote: Anyway, perhaps the principle might be that when you feel you
need to
> say "no," it helps to give the context for the "no" and also search for
> a possible "yes" solution for the one requesting your involvement.
> Seems like we need to communicate more than "I will" or "I want to" or
> "I won't" or "I can't" in order for this to work.
===============
I missed this one. I agree Julie. I think that's absolutely what mindful
parenting is about.

Here's something I'm working on right now along those same lines, and would
welcome comments on it:

Freedom and flexibility are two key components to parenting my youngest
child, both of which fly in the face of traditional parenting techniques
that would recommend stricter controls and absolute authority to really
teach this kid "who's boss!" Parenting with freedom and flexibility
presents a whole new set of challenges because most of us have no model for
what it should look like. It requires us to throw out the ingrained images
from our own childhoods, to suppress our knee-jerk reactions to situations
and, instead, turn our critical eye inward to examine the underpinning and
legitimacy of our reactions and requests, which requires a whole new set of
introspective skills!



The simple word "no" has a myriad of meanings when we take it apart
situationally. It might mean "I don't want you to get hurt" or "I don't want
that to get broken." Or, it might really mean "I don't want to listen to
that" or "I don't want to have to clean that up." The common element to
these situational differences, however, is the primary importance of the
parent's self rather than the child's. "No," then, is really a reflection
of the parent's own needs and desires rather than a direct expression of the
child's actions. Once we see this connection, we can begin to parent more
honestly-for ourselves and our children.



--Danielle

http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html

[email protected]

-=-The simple word "no" has a myriad of meanings when we take it apart

situationally. -=-

http://sandradodd.com/r/persephonics

There's a story in there of how I learned a lot about the word "can't."

Wed, Jul 28, 1993
The first thing [Marty] said after “good morning” was “Mom, if you count to
infinity, is it illegal?”

I explained to him about infinity, with a million plus one and a “gadillion”
plus one. He was fine with the explanation, and I said, “Who told you you
can’t count to infinity?” He said I did, so I explained the difference in things
that are impossible and things that are illegal (have consequences).

--------

It made a difference in how I used "can't" after that.

Sandra

Andrea Burlingame

Sandra, I LOVED your "Persephonics" article. It made so much sense to me!
I'm really going to have to do some more perusing of your site.

~Andrea