advice please...I think
Ren
"I finally end up begging or yelling or something else, but it doesn't start
that way."
Reading through all the posts about losing it, and breathing (which I think is hugely helpful) I kept thinking about a book you folks might really enjoy. It's called "Wherever you go, there you are" by John Kabat-zin (also writes about natural learning). He gave me a bit of wisdom that has helped me more lately...he talks about seeing the world, the daily activities from the vantage point of death. What will be happening when you're gone? All this stuff continues, all the things that we get stressed about will be there, but WE won't have to worry about it. He applies that to distancing yourself from situations and events, becoming "unattached" (the buddhist way) and thereby seeing things MORE clearly and able to function better.
This daily "dying" helps you detach emotional responses and respond in a way that you really believe is helpful. It's all goes back to mindful living....I find the buddhist philosophies are the most helpful for actually GETTING there.
I love Thich Nat Hahn's work too. And I really enjoyed reading about your paradigm shift Jennifer. I think looking back and analyzing situations when your temper or anxiety kicked in, helps you react better the next time a similar situation arises.
When I read Andrea's description of how she feels, I remember feeling just like that...still do sometimes. The difference now, is I quit trying to hold myself to some level of perfection or ideal. I quit saying "I am going to be calm and gentle ALL DAY" (or all week or forever). I let go of all that, and just started living in the MOMENT.
This moment, right now, is all we really have. If I can focus on how to make this moment the best it can be, this ONE interaction joyful, then I have discovered the simplicity of mindfulness. It's so simple, just as Jennifer said, but until one awakens to that simple way of mindful living, it will elude you.
I can't say I live mindfully all the time...I'm no Zen teacher!:)
But studying and applying those principles have made me a much better mother and person.
Ren
"There is no way to
peace. Peace is the way."
~Quaker saying
that way."
Reading through all the posts about losing it, and breathing (which I think is hugely helpful) I kept thinking about a book you folks might really enjoy. It's called "Wherever you go, there you are" by John Kabat-zin (also writes about natural learning). He gave me a bit of wisdom that has helped me more lately...he talks about seeing the world, the daily activities from the vantage point of death. What will be happening when you're gone? All this stuff continues, all the things that we get stressed about will be there, but WE won't have to worry about it. He applies that to distancing yourself from situations and events, becoming "unattached" (the buddhist way) and thereby seeing things MORE clearly and able to function better.
This daily "dying" helps you detach emotional responses and respond in a way that you really believe is helpful. It's all goes back to mindful living....I find the buddhist philosophies are the most helpful for actually GETTING there.
I love Thich Nat Hahn's work too. And I really enjoyed reading about your paradigm shift Jennifer. I think looking back and analyzing situations when your temper or anxiety kicked in, helps you react better the next time a similar situation arises.
When I read Andrea's description of how she feels, I remember feeling just like that...still do sometimes. The difference now, is I quit trying to hold myself to some level of perfection or ideal. I quit saying "I am going to be calm and gentle ALL DAY" (or all week or forever). I let go of all that, and just started living in the MOMENT.
This moment, right now, is all we really have. If I can focus on how to make this moment the best it can be, this ONE interaction joyful, then I have discovered the simplicity of mindfulness. It's so simple, just as Jennifer said, but until one awakens to that simple way of mindful living, it will elude you.
I can't say I live mindfully all the time...I'm no Zen teacher!:)
But studying and applying those principles have made me a much better mother and person.
Ren
"There is no way to
peace. Peace is the way."
~Quaker saying
[email protected]
Applause for this:
<< The difference now, is I quit trying to hold myself to some level of
perfection or ideal. I quit saying "I am going to be calm and gentle ALL DAY" (or
all week or forever). I let go of all that, and just started living in the
MOMENT.
This moment, right now, is all we really have. If I can focus on how to make
this moment the best it can be, this ONE interaction joyful, then I have
discovered the simplicity of mindfulness. It's so simple, just as Jennifer said,
but until one awakens to that simple way of mindful living, it will elude you. >>
It seems so weird, in a culture where we're raised to plan for the future,
save money, get good grades when you're eight so you can go to law school, be a
good boy now so you can be president someday, to say to people: "STOP!
Forget the future. What are you doing right this second? How are you sitting?
How is your mood? Are you neglecting a human at this second? Can you get up
and go there and be soothing?"
Here's a trick I've used to make people feel better in the SCA (medieval
studies club). Not a trick, a tool. A way to think. When someone is unhappy
because his stuff isn't perfect (garb, armor, camping gear) I've said "You can't
move from nothing to everything all of a sudden." That seems obvious, but is
it? People want to BE what they think, and often our thoughts are pretty
elaborate. But we act in this moment.
The first time this particular trick came to me, I was advising someone who
was being knighted in the morning, and was staying awake all night to take
counsel of those who outranked him. I was in with him, and I could feel his
sorrow and concern about not having a perfectly "period" camp. I said "When you
buy a tent, and your choices are nylon and canvas, choose canvas. If your
choices are orange or brown, choose orange. Incrementally, your set of stuff will
get better. When you have a choice, make the more medieval choice."
And with parenting, once you have your goal in mind, live in the moment by
learning to see that you have choices, and then make the choice that is nearer
your goal.
If you want to learn patience, make the more patient choice.
If you want to move toward natural learning, make the input-rich choice.
If you want to become more light-hearted, make the brighter, more sparkly
choice.
A trap and a bog-hole in personal growth is the idea people get sometimes
which is "I had no choice." If you feel you have no choice, you should look
again.
Joyce has a great riff on this. She says you don't HAVE to wash our dishes.
You could buy paper plates. She has lots of good examples like that.
But it's sad and depressing when people feel trapped or helpless. So learn
not to.
Breathe and look. Do I HAVE to take care of my kids? No, I choose to.
They're all gone right now, and I have a van, a charge card, and a passport. I
could be ten thousand miles away by Monday, having plastic surgery in some
clinic where the pre-med students ended up. <g> I will probably choose NOT to do
that. But having envisioned it, I know more clearly that I will be here Monday
when my family returns because I CHOOSE to be.
(And if you're thinking, "Well I don't have a van and a charge card and a
passport," don't whine about your lack of choices. My friend Stan took himself
and his gun out to the storage shed in his yard and didn't come back out.
Bummer for his kids. There ARE choices, not all as merry as plastic surgery in
New Delhi.)
So. You have choices. Make them as mindfully as you can, and if your goal
is to be more mindful, figure out two choices and make the more mindful one.
Next time, your two choices might be two BETTER choices, and you make the more
mindful one.
That's the main point of a tape called Peaceful Parenting that's a
presentation I gave with Richard Prystowsky a couple of years ago. It's available from
me when I go to conferences and from the HSC website. I think there's a link
from SandraDodd/speaking.
Sandra
<< The difference now, is I quit trying to hold myself to some level of
perfection or ideal. I quit saying "I am going to be calm and gentle ALL DAY" (or
all week or forever). I let go of all that, and just started living in the
MOMENT.
This moment, right now, is all we really have. If I can focus on how to make
this moment the best it can be, this ONE interaction joyful, then I have
discovered the simplicity of mindfulness. It's so simple, just as Jennifer said,
but until one awakens to that simple way of mindful living, it will elude you. >>
It seems so weird, in a culture where we're raised to plan for the future,
save money, get good grades when you're eight so you can go to law school, be a
good boy now so you can be president someday, to say to people: "STOP!
Forget the future. What are you doing right this second? How are you sitting?
How is your mood? Are you neglecting a human at this second? Can you get up
and go there and be soothing?"
Here's a trick I've used to make people feel better in the SCA (medieval
studies club). Not a trick, a tool. A way to think. When someone is unhappy
because his stuff isn't perfect (garb, armor, camping gear) I've said "You can't
move from nothing to everything all of a sudden." That seems obvious, but is
it? People want to BE what they think, and often our thoughts are pretty
elaborate. But we act in this moment.
The first time this particular trick came to me, I was advising someone who
was being knighted in the morning, and was staying awake all night to take
counsel of those who outranked him. I was in with him, and I could feel his
sorrow and concern about not having a perfectly "period" camp. I said "When you
buy a tent, and your choices are nylon and canvas, choose canvas. If your
choices are orange or brown, choose orange. Incrementally, your set of stuff will
get better. When you have a choice, make the more medieval choice."
And with parenting, once you have your goal in mind, live in the moment by
learning to see that you have choices, and then make the choice that is nearer
your goal.
If you want to learn patience, make the more patient choice.
If you want to move toward natural learning, make the input-rich choice.
If you want to become more light-hearted, make the brighter, more sparkly
choice.
A trap and a bog-hole in personal growth is the idea people get sometimes
which is "I had no choice." If you feel you have no choice, you should look
again.
Joyce has a great riff on this. She says you don't HAVE to wash our dishes.
You could buy paper plates. She has lots of good examples like that.
But it's sad and depressing when people feel trapped or helpless. So learn
not to.
Breathe and look. Do I HAVE to take care of my kids? No, I choose to.
They're all gone right now, and I have a van, a charge card, and a passport. I
could be ten thousand miles away by Monday, having plastic surgery in some
clinic where the pre-med students ended up. <g> I will probably choose NOT to do
that. But having envisioned it, I know more clearly that I will be here Monday
when my family returns because I CHOOSE to be.
(And if you're thinking, "Well I don't have a van and a charge card and a
passport," don't whine about your lack of choices. My friend Stan took himself
and his gun out to the storage shed in his yard and didn't come back out.
Bummer for his kids. There ARE choices, not all as merry as plastic surgery in
New Delhi.)
So. You have choices. Make them as mindfully as you can, and if your goal
is to be more mindful, figure out two choices and make the more mindful one.
Next time, your two choices might be two BETTER choices, and you make the more
mindful one.
That's the main point of a tape called Peaceful Parenting that's a
presentation I gave with Richard Prystowsky a couple of years ago. It's available from
me when I go to conferences and from the HSC website. I think there's a link
from SandraDodd/speaking.
Sandra
J. Stauffer
<<<< And with parenting, once you have your goal in mind, live in the moment
by
simply, etc. and this just reminded me of an article I wrote for this month.
Basically, it was about how my parenting improved when I was able to keep my
goal firm but keep my plan fluid.
I used to set a goal of say, a happy day with the kids, and make a general
plan in my head of how the day would go. Inevitably, a glitch would show up
somewhere and I would try to force the world to reconfigure to my plan.
I have finally learned to move into plan B. and to be ok if we end up
somewhere around plan Q.
In my mind, I picture it as riding a wave. Wierd.
Julie S.
by
> learning to see that you have choices, and then make the choice that isnearer
> your goal.>>>>>I do a little community newsletter about herbs, buying locally, living
simply, etc. and this just reminded me of an article I wrote for this month.
Basically, it was about how my parenting improved when I was able to keep my
goal firm but keep my plan fluid.
I used to set a goal of say, a happy day with the kids, and make a general
plan in my head of how the day would go. Inevitably, a glitch would show up
somewhere and I would try to force the world to reconfigure to my plan.
I have finally learned to move into plan B. and to be ok if we end up
somewhere around plan Q.
In my mind, I picture it as riding a wave. Wierd.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: <SandraDodd@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 29, 2004 12:57 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] advice please...I think
> Applause for this:
>
> << The difference now, is I quit trying to hold myself to some level of
> perfection or ideal. I quit saying "I am going to be calm and gentle ALL
DAY" (or
> all week or forever). I let go of all that, and just started living in the
> MOMENT.
> This moment, right now, is all we really have. If I can focus on how to
make
> this moment the best it can be, this ONE interaction joyful, then I have
> discovered the simplicity of mindfulness. It's so simple, just as Jennifer
said,
> but until one awakens to that simple way of mindful living, it will elude
you. >>
>
> It seems so weird, in a culture where we're raised to plan for the future,
> save money, get good grades when you're eight so you can go to law school,
be a
> good boy now so you can be president someday, to say to people: "STOP!
> Forget the future. What are you doing right this second? How are you
sitting?
> How is your mood? Are you neglecting a human at this second? Can you get
up
> and go there and be soothing?"
>
> Here's a trick I've used to make people feel better in the SCA (medieval
> studies club). Not a trick, a tool. A way to think. When someone is
unhappy
> because his stuff isn't perfect (garb, armor, camping gear) I've said "You
can't
> move from nothing to everything all of a sudden." That seems obvious,
but is
> it? People want to BE what they think, and often our thoughts are pretty
> elaborate. But we act in this moment.
>
> The first time this particular trick came to me, I was advising someone
who
> was being knighted in the morning, and was staying awake all night to take
> counsel of those who outranked him. I was in with him, and I could feel
his
> sorrow and concern about not having a perfectly "period" camp. I said
"When you
> buy a tent, and your choices are nylon and canvas, choose canvas. If your
> choices are orange or brown, choose orange. Incrementally, your set of
stuff will
> get better. When you have a choice, make the more medieval choice."
>
> And with parenting, once you have your goal in mind, live in the moment by
> learning to see that you have choices, and then make the choice that is
nearer
> your goal.
>
> If you want to learn patience, make the more patient choice.
>
> If you want to move toward natural learning, make the input-rich choice.
>
> If you want to become more light-hearted, make the brighter, more sparkly
> choice.
>
> A trap and a bog-hole in personal growth is the idea people get sometimes
> which is "I had no choice." If you feel you have no choice, you should
look
> again.
>
> Joyce has a great riff on this. She says you don't HAVE to wash our
dishes.
> You could buy paper plates. She has lots of good examples like that.
>
> But it's sad and depressing when people feel trapped or helpless. So
learn
> not to.
>
> Breathe and look. Do I HAVE to take care of my kids? No, I choose to.
> They're all gone right now, and I have a van, a charge card, and a
passport. I
> could be ten thousand miles away by Monday, having plastic surgery in some
> clinic where the pre-med students ended up. <g> I will probably choose
NOT to do
> that. But having envisioned it, I know more clearly that I will be here
Monday
> when my family returns because I CHOOSE to be.
>
> (And if you're thinking, "Well I don't have a van and a charge card and a
> passport," don't whine about your lack of choices. My friend Stan took
himself
> and his gun out to the storage shed in his yard and didn't come back out.
> Bummer for his kids. There ARE choices, not all as merry as plastic
surgery in
> New Delhi.)
>
> So. You have choices. Make them as mindfully as you can, and if your
goal
> is to be more mindful, figure out two choices and make the more mindful
one.
> Next time, your two choices might be two BETTER choices, and you make the
more
> mindful one.
>
> That's the main point of a tape called Peaceful Parenting that's a
> presentation I gave with Richard Prystowsky a couple of years ago. It's
available from
> me when I go to conferences and from the HSC website. I think there's a
link
> from SandraDodd/speaking.
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
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