Unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional parenting.
[email protected]
<< Unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional
parenting. >>
I thought maybe that could be a separate topic.
There's a kind of rough exchange going on at www.unschooling.com where a mom
is being very defensive, and insulting unschoolers for not really caring about
their kids (implication, not exact words). It's hard to explain WHY it would
matter how parents and children get along, but it does matter, and I don't
think we should give up on trying to explain it.
Sandra
parenting. >>
I thought maybe that could be a separate topic.
There's a kind of rough exchange going on at www.unschooling.com where a mom
is being very defensive, and insulting unschoolers for not really caring about
their kids (implication, not exact words). It's hard to explain WHY it would
matter how parents and children get along, but it does matter, and I don't
think we should give up on trying to explain it.
Sandra
Julie Bogart
--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
succinct.
The biggest difference in how I see parenting now is that I no longer
see it as my job to *get* my kids to: be, do, say, prepare, achieve,
dream, become or learn.
My job is to point, admire, offer, support, listen, encourage, hug,
understand, laugh, embrace, shore up, help and learn alongside.
I'm less concerned with how they should be. I'm more interested in who
they really are. (That means I am less worried about preventing them
from becoming a danger to themselves or having wrong ideas or thoughts
or attitudes and more interested in what they actually think, believe,
infer, do or judge right now.)
I'm more optimistic about their futures and less anxious about the
present, rather than being anxious about the present and pessimistic
about their futures as a result.
I see uniqueness rather than "He is so much like his... X - father,
brother, uncle, the guy I dated in high school..."
I have learned to live in trust rather than expectation. Do I trust
that learning is contagious and natural? Do I trust that my child has
what he needs to make his way in the world? Do I trust that my daughter
is capable of judging human behavior and drawing wise conclusions for
her own well-being? Or am I still expecting to find dangers, mistakes,
moral failures...?
I find that my own life is not about how they are turning out but about
the adventure of life itself and that my living out a life engaged in
optimistic learning is contagious. I can't do it so that they will
learn to live like that. That is phony. But I can live it because it's
the kind of life I like to life, and by living it, they seem to want to
live like that too.
Those are the first ones off the top of my head. :)
Julie
>where a mom
>
> << Unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional
>
> parenting. >>
>
>
> I thought maybe that could be a separate topic.
>
> There's a kind of rough exchange going on at www.unschooling.com
> is being very defensive, and insulting unschoolers for not reallycaring about
> their kids (implication, not exact words). It's hard to explain WHYit would
> matter how parents and children get along, but it does matter, and Idon't
> think we should give up on trying to explain it.Jumping in. This is so appropriate for me right now. I'll try to be
succinct.
The biggest difference in how I see parenting now is that I no longer
see it as my job to *get* my kids to: be, do, say, prepare, achieve,
dream, become or learn.
My job is to point, admire, offer, support, listen, encourage, hug,
understand, laugh, embrace, shore up, help and learn alongside.
I'm less concerned with how they should be. I'm more interested in who
they really are. (That means I am less worried about preventing them
from becoming a danger to themselves or having wrong ideas or thoughts
or attitudes and more interested in what they actually think, believe,
infer, do or judge right now.)
I'm more optimistic about their futures and less anxious about the
present, rather than being anxious about the present and pessimistic
about their futures as a result.
I see uniqueness rather than "He is so much like his... X - father,
brother, uncle, the guy I dated in high school..."
I have learned to live in trust rather than expectation. Do I trust
that learning is contagious and natural? Do I trust that my child has
what he needs to make his way in the world? Do I trust that my daughter
is capable of judging human behavior and drawing wise conclusions for
her own well-being? Or am I still expecting to find dangers, mistakes,
moral failures...?
I find that my own life is not about how they are turning out but about
the adventure of life itself and that my living out a life engaged in
optimistic learning is contagious. I can't do it so that they will
learn to live like that. That is phony. But I can live it because it's
the kind of life I like to life, and by living it, they seem to want to
live like that too.
Those are the first ones off the top of my head. :)
Julie
mamaaj2000
How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like
sharing?
--aj
sharing?
--aj
--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
>
>
> << Unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional
>
> parenting. >>
>
>
> I thought maybe that could be a separate topic.
>
> There's a kind of rough exchange going on at www.unschooling.com
where a mom
> is being very defensive, and insulting unschoolers for not really
caring about
> their kids (implication, not exact words). It's hard to explain
WHY it would
> matter how parents and children get along, but it does matter, and
I don't
> think we should give up on trying to explain it.
>
> Sandra
J. Stauffer
<<How about book recommendations for parenting?>>
I don't think you need a whole book. Just ask yourself how you would treat,
talk to, etc. your very best adult friend and go from there.
Then you start to see how very demeaning we can be to children when we see
them as less than full human beings.
Julie S.
I don't think you need a whole book. Just ask yourself how you would treat,
talk to, etc. your very best adult friend and go from there.
Then you start to see how very demeaning we can be to children when we see
them as less than full human beings.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: "mamaaj2000" <mamaaj2000@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, May 11, 2004 7:55 AM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: Unschooling didn't blossom until I
stepped away from traditional parenting.
> How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like
> sharing?
>
> --aj
>
> --- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
> >
> >
> > << Unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional
> >
> > parenting. >>
> >
> >
> > I thought maybe that could be a separate topic.
> >
> > There's a kind of rough exchange going on at www.unschooling.com
> where a mom
> > is being very defensive, and insulting unschoolers for not really
> caring about
> > their kids (implication, not exact words). It's hard to explain
> WHY it would
> > matter how parents and children get along, but it does matter, and
> I don't
> > think we should give up on trying to explain it.
> >
> > Sandra
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/11/04 7:22:16 AM, mamaaj2000@... writes:
<< How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like
sharing? >>
Whole Child, Whole Parent was one of my favorites.
Sandra
<< How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like
sharing? >>
Whole Child, Whole Parent was one of my favorites.
Sandra
Dawn Adams
aj writes:
How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like
sharing?
Dawn (in NS)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like
sharing?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>."Kids Are Worth It', Barbara Colorosa. It starting me down the unschooling path though it's not an unschooling book. Well, that and an AOL poster named Becky.
Dawn (in NS)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mark and Julie
How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like sharing?
--aj
I am reading a book called Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali. It's
wonderful. It offers Buddhist practices as a way for mothers to become
calmer and happier. I've just finished the chapter on parenting mindfully
and there were lots of ideas for learning to live in the moment as opposed
to thinking about past events or day dreaming about the future and in the
process becoming disconnected from the present and our children. Great
stuff! I really recommend it.
Also, of course anything written by Adele Faber!
Julie
--aj
I am reading a book called Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali. It's
wonderful. It offers Buddhist practices as a way for mothers to become
calmer and happier. I've just finished the chapter on parenting mindfully
and there were lots of ideas for learning to live in the moment as opposed
to thinking about past events or day dreaming about the future and in the
process becoming disconnected from the present and our children. Great
stuff! I really recommend it.
Also, of course anything written by Adele Faber!
Julie
Mark and Julie
Whole Child, Whole Parent was one of my favorites.
Sandra
Sandra, is that an old book? I have tried ordering it from the library but
they don't stock it. And I tried ordering it from the bookshop months ago
but they said they would have to import it and I still haven't heard back
from them.
Julie
Sandra
Sandra, is that an old book? I have tried ordering it from the library but
they don't stock it. And I tried ordering it from the bookshop months ago
but they said they would have to import it and I still haven't heard back
from them.
Julie
Deb Lewis
You can find "Whole Child, Whole Parent" by Polly Berends at Amazon.
New, fourth edition, $11.90.
Or it says they have seventy nine copies, used and new from $1.89.
It's worth the new price. I loved that book.
Deb L
New, fourth edition, $11.90.
Or it says they have seventy nine copies, used and new from $1.89.
It's worth the new price. I loved that book.
Deb L
Jennifer Altenbach
Hi,
I hope I've waited long enough to start posting-it's so hard not to jump
into these great conversations! I'm Jenny, mom to two kids: Scotty age
4 on the 23rd and Eliza almost 10 months, and wife to Chris. We knew we
were going to homeschool when Scotty was 6 months old, and by the time
he was 2 we were convinced that unschooling was the only way to go. We
were already practicing mindful parenting so, as a recent thread
discussed, it was not much of a leap to unschooling. I have been on
Sandra's New Mexico Homeschooling list for 3 years already and I was
heavily influenced by her posts about unschooling. I was also totally
fired up by the book Deschooling our Lives edited by Matt Hern. I have
yet to get into more John Holt and the others because right now I'm
spending all my reading time on positive discipline books!
I'm writing tonight because we have just had a bit of an upheaval in our
lives-I had to fire Scotty's long-time babysitter today because of a
serious violation of my trust in her. I'm heartbroken but I'm sure I
made the right decision. Anyway, he had been going to her house two
days per week for 6 hours each day. I really needed this time to work
on our owner-built house, for which I am the general contractor. It's
basically like being a WAHM. So, now that I no longer have child care,
I have some problems to deal with.
People are telling me to put Scotty in preschool. They are coming up
with the usual stuff about socialization, etc. They are telling me that
I would like Waldorf schools because they have an unstructured teaching
philosophy. But that's the problem-it's still a set teaching
philosophy! What if he likes structure? Or what if he likes some
things to be structured and others to be unstructured? So, I am 100%
opposed to him going to any kind of school or anything that resembles
school (unless he specifically asks for it-like the swimming lessons you
were discussing). I have a collection of pat responses to almost every
argument they give me, and I am unswerving in my commitment to
unschooling. The only thing I really don't have an answer to is "how
are you going to get anything done without putting him in some kind of
childcare?" At this point I don't want to hire another babysitter so
basically he and his sister are going to be with me full time.
So I guess my question is, how *am* I going to get anything done?
Almost everyone I know has their kids in preschool now, and if they
don't they "can't wait" until they do, so they can finally "get
something done". Here's what I need to do specifically:
Internet research, money management, ordering materials, telephone
calls, and general office work, much of it on the computer. This is
nearly impossible with Scotty around. He can't stand to have my
attention diverted.
90% of the housework (because Chris is working on the new house).
Actual work on the new house.
I would sure appreciate either general or specific advice on how to
accomplish these kinds of things with preschool-age children at home.
Thanks for reading-this was actually a very therapeutic rant for me
after a troubling day.
Jenny
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I hope I've waited long enough to start posting-it's so hard not to jump
into these great conversations! I'm Jenny, mom to two kids: Scotty age
4 on the 23rd and Eliza almost 10 months, and wife to Chris. We knew we
were going to homeschool when Scotty was 6 months old, and by the time
he was 2 we were convinced that unschooling was the only way to go. We
were already practicing mindful parenting so, as a recent thread
discussed, it was not much of a leap to unschooling. I have been on
Sandra's New Mexico Homeschooling list for 3 years already and I was
heavily influenced by her posts about unschooling. I was also totally
fired up by the book Deschooling our Lives edited by Matt Hern. I have
yet to get into more John Holt and the others because right now I'm
spending all my reading time on positive discipline books!
I'm writing tonight because we have just had a bit of an upheaval in our
lives-I had to fire Scotty's long-time babysitter today because of a
serious violation of my trust in her. I'm heartbroken but I'm sure I
made the right decision. Anyway, he had been going to her house two
days per week for 6 hours each day. I really needed this time to work
on our owner-built house, for which I am the general contractor. It's
basically like being a WAHM. So, now that I no longer have child care,
I have some problems to deal with.
People are telling me to put Scotty in preschool. They are coming up
with the usual stuff about socialization, etc. They are telling me that
I would like Waldorf schools because they have an unstructured teaching
philosophy. But that's the problem-it's still a set teaching
philosophy! What if he likes structure? Or what if he likes some
things to be structured and others to be unstructured? So, I am 100%
opposed to him going to any kind of school or anything that resembles
school (unless he specifically asks for it-like the swimming lessons you
were discussing). I have a collection of pat responses to almost every
argument they give me, and I am unswerving in my commitment to
unschooling. The only thing I really don't have an answer to is "how
are you going to get anything done without putting him in some kind of
childcare?" At this point I don't want to hire another babysitter so
basically he and his sister are going to be with me full time.
So I guess my question is, how *am* I going to get anything done?
Almost everyone I know has their kids in preschool now, and if they
don't they "can't wait" until they do, so they can finally "get
something done". Here's what I need to do specifically:
Internet research, money management, ordering materials, telephone
calls, and general office work, much of it on the computer. This is
nearly impossible with Scotty around. He can't stand to have my
attention diverted.
90% of the housework (because Chris is working on the new house).
Actual work on the new house.
I would sure appreciate either general or specific advice on how to
accomplish these kinds of things with preschool-age children at home.
Thanks for reading-this was actually a very therapeutic rant for me
after a troubling day.
Jenny
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deirdre Aycock
Or try http://www.bestwebbuys.com/
Deirdre
Deirdre
> You can find "Whole Child, Whole Parent" by Polly Berends at Amazon.http://www.unschooling.com
> New, fourth edition, $11.90.
>
> Or it says they have seventy nine copies, used and new from $1.89.
>
> It's worth the new price. I loved that book.
>
> Deb L
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
[email protected]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/12/04 7:59:08 AM, aycock@... writes:
<< Or try http://www.bestwebbuys.com/
Deirdre
it's not so much about parenting a 12 year old who's been in school, that's for
sure. <g>
It's about having a spiritual, mindful, aware attitude toward the child as an
already-whole person.
It makes specific recommendations about things to do/read/get which are
probably not existing anymore. It will be outdated in some particulars,
definitely, but the mood and the tone of it were very comforting to me when I was in
transition from my old family and upbringing to deciding how I wanted Kirby's
life to be different, safer and larger. I wasn't even thinking of homeschooling
at the time I read it.
Another book I read in those days was "Chop Wood, Carry Water," and when I
went back to read it years later after I was unschooling, I noticed what I
hadn't before: The first chapter's endnotes recommended Growing Without Schooling
magazine, and John Holt books. <g>
I had read John Holt in college (assignment for education courses) but that
was before he was writing about homeschooling. It was still more buildup for
making my children's futures better.
Sandra
<< Or try http://www.bestwebbuys.com/
Deirdre
> You can find "Whole Child, Whole Parent" by Polly Berends at Amazon.That book is best for moms with babies, I think. Maybe not entirely, but
> New, fourth edition, $11.90. >>
it's not so much about parenting a 12 year old who's been in school, that's for
sure. <g>
It's about having a spiritual, mindful, aware attitude toward the child as an
already-whole person.
It makes specific recommendations about things to do/read/get which are
probably not existing anymore. It will be outdated in some particulars,
definitely, but the mood and the tone of it were very comforting to me when I was in
transition from my old family and upbringing to deciding how I wanted Kirby's
life to be different, safer and larger. I wasn't even thinking of homeschooling
at the time I read it.
Another book I read in those days was "Chop Wood, Carry Water," and when I
went back to read it years later after I was unschooling, I noticed what I
hadn't before: The first chapter's endnotes recommended Growing Without Schooling
magazine, and John Holt books. <g>
I had read John Holt in college (assignment for education courses) but that
was before he was writing about homeschooling. It was still more buildup for
making my children's futures better.
Sandra
J. Stauffer
<<<<<"how
that the notion that adults can't work with children around is a very recent
notion. Adults have worked throughout history with their children, many
times lots of children, right there with them.
Involved your son in what you are doing. Talk with him about it. Take him
with you to talk to workers. Let him carry shovels. etc..
Julie S.---who runs a 4-H club, directs plays, writes newsletters, makes and
sells cheese, etc., etc. all with 5 kids right here with me.
> are you going to get anything done without putting him in some kind ofI'm sorry you are getting this hassle. What people don't seem to realize is
> childcare?" >>>>>
that the notion that adults can't work with children around is a very recent
notion. Adults have worked throughout history with their children, many
times lots of children, right there with them.
Involved your son in what you are doing. Talk with him about it. Take him
with you to talk to workers. Let him carry shovels. etc..
Julie S.---who runs a 4-H club, directs plays, writes newsletters, makes and
sells cheese, etc., etc. all with 5 kids right here with me.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jennifer Altenbach" <salten@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, May 12, 2004 12:32 AM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] New with question-- how to unschool and
build a house at the same time
> Hi,
> I hope I've waited long enough to start posting-it's so hard not to jump
> into these great conversations! I'm Jenny, mom to two kids: Scotty age
> 4 on the 23rd and Eliza almost 10 months, and wife to Chris. We knew we
> were going to homeschool when Scotty was 6 months old, and by the time
> he was 2 we were convinced that unschooling was the only way to go. We
> were already practicing mindful parenting so, as a recent thread
> discussed, it was not much of a leap to unschooling. I have been on
> Sandra's New Mexico Homeschooling list for 3 years already and I was
> heavily influenced by her posts about unschooling. I was also totally
> fired up by the book Deschooling our Lives edited by Matt Hern. I have
> yet to get into more John Holt and the others because right now I'm
> spending all my reading time on positive discipline books!
> I'm writing tonight because we have just had a bit of an upheaval in our
> lives-I had to fire Scotty's long-time babysitter today because of a
> serious violation of my trust in her. I'm heartbroken but I'm sure I
> made the right decision. Anyway, he had been going to her house two
> days per week for 6 hours each day. I really needed this time to work
> on our owner-built house, for which I am the general contractor. It's
> basically like being a WAHM. So, now that I no longer have child care,
> I have some problems to deal with.
> People are telling me to put Scotty in preschool. They are coming up
> with the usual stuff about socialization, etc. They are telling me that
> I would like Waldorf schools because they have an unstructured teaching
> philosophy. But that's the problem-it's still a set teaching
> philosophy! What if he likes structure? Or what if he likes some
> things to be structured and others to be unstructured? So, I am 100%
> opposed to him going to any kind of school or anything that resembles
> school (unless he specifically asks for it-like the swimming lessons you
> were discussing). I have a collection of pat responses to almost every
> argument they give me, and I am unswerving in my commitment to
> unschooling. The only thing I really don't have an answer to is "how
> are you going to get anything done without putting him in some kind of
> childcare?" At this point I don't want to hire another babysitter so
> basically he and his sister are going to be with me full time.
> So I guess my question is, how *am* I going to get anything done?
> Almost everyone I know has their kids in preschool now, and if they
> don't they "can't wait" until they do, so they can finally "get
> something done". Here's what I need to do specifically:
> Internet research, money management, ordering materials, telephone
> calls, and general office work, much of it on the computer. This is
> nearly impossible with Scotty around. He can't stand to have my
> attention diverted.
> 90% of the housework (because Chris is working on the new house).
> Actual work on the new house.
> I would sure appreciate either general or specific advice on how to
> accomplish these kinds of things with preschool-age children at home.
> Thanks for reading-this was actually a very therapeutic rant for me
> after a troubling day.
> Jenny
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
[email protected]
I sent a blank to the list. Very sorry.
Y'know that Continuum Concept "theory" that young children will want to do
what adults do?
Well I have this baby in my lap and once she had finished examining the
pencil and pen (which I cleary was NOT using, she wanted to type. She's really
messing me up. So I put Raffi on and am bouncing her on my knee hoping she won't
need to answer my e-mail.
Sorry.
Sandra
Y'know that Continuum Concept "theory" that young children will want to do
what adults do?
Well I have this baby in my lap and once she had finished examining the
pencil and pen (which I cleary was NOT using, she wanted to type. She's really
messing me up. So I put Raffi on and am bouncing her on my knee hoping she won't
need to answer my e-mail.
Sorry.
Sandra
Ann and Eric Yates
Awww, Sandra let her type us a letter! There is always room for comic relief if nothing else!
<bg>
Ann
<bg>
Ann
----- Original Message -----
From: SandraDodd@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, May 12, 2004 11:39 AM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] New with question-- how to unschool and build a house at the same time
I sent a blank to the list. Very sorry.
Y'know that Continuum Concept "theory" that young children will want to do
what adults do?
Well I have this baby in my lap and once she had finished examining the
pencil and pen (which I cleary was NOT using, she wanted to type. She's really
messing me up. So I put Raffi on and am bouncing her on my knee hoping she won't
need to answer my e-mail.
Sorry.
Sandra
"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mark and Julie
You can find "Whole Child, Whole Parent" by Polly Berends at Amazon.
New, fourth edition, $11.90.
Or it says they have seventy nine copies, used and new from $1.89.
It's worth the new price. I loved that book.
Deb L
Thanks Deb!!!!! It's being shipped now and for a third of the price the
bookshop quoted me. Just as well they forgot about my order!
Julie
New, fourth edition, $11.90.
Or it says they have seventy nine copies, used and new from $1.89.
It's worth the new price. I loved that book.
Deb L
Thanks Deb!!!!! It's being shipped now and for a third of the price the
bookshop quoted me. Just as well they forgot about my order!
Julie
Marjorie Kirk
How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like sharing?
--aj
One of my favorites is _Everyday Blessings_The Inner Work of Mindful
Parenting_ by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn. He has another book called _Wherever
You Go, There You Are_ which is really good, too, but not a parenting book.
Barbara Coloroso has a video out of one of her parenting talks called _How
to Win at Parenting Without Beating Your Kids_. It's great and our library
system has it, so every so often I get it again.
Marjorie
--aj
One of my favorites is _Everyday Blessings_The Inner Work of Mindful
Parenting_ by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn. He has another book called _Wherever
You Go, There You Are_ which is really good, too, but not a parenting book.
Barbara Coloroso has a video out of one of her parenting talks called _How
to Win at Parenting Without Beating Your Kids_. It's great and our library
system has it, so every so often I get it again.
Marjorie
TreeGoddess
Ooh, I'm reading that one now, but I'm not that far into it yet. Looks
great so far. :) A web site that I really love is The Natural Child
Project (put together by Jan Hunt). There are lots of great articles
there on gentle parenting and positive discipline -- and even
unschooling. :) You can find it at http://www.naturalchild.org
-Tracy-
great so far. :) A web site that I really love is The Natural Child
Project (put together by Jan Hunt). There are lots of great articles
there on gentle parenting and positive discipline -- and even
unschooling. :) You can find it at http://www.naturalchild.org
-Tracy-
On May 13, 2004, at 7:55 AM, Marjorie Kirk wrote:
> One of my favorites is _Everyday Blessings_The Inner Work of Mindful
> Parenting_ by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn.
diana jenner
<< How about book recommendations for parenting?? Anyone feel like sharing?
Giving the Love that Heals
Understanding Yourself
...anything by Dr. Sears (though he recently *sold out* and is endorsing
formula, his wisdom rings true in his earlier writings)
I also find that spending time reading for my own pleasure with NO agenda
attached ('cept maybe to steal some diana time) has made it easier for me to
be fully present with my kids in their interests.
~diana, Queen of Everything
Mother to the Princess of Quite-a-lot and the Prince of Whatever's Left.
Living proof that today's mighty oak is yesterday's nut who stood her
ground. ~anonymous
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>>Mindful Parenting
Giving the Love that Heals
Understanding Yourself
...anything by Dr. Sears (though he recently *sold out* and is endorsing
formula, his wisdom rings true in his earlier writings)
I also find that spending time reading for my own pleasure with NO agenda
attached ('cept maybe to steal some diana time) has made it easier for me to
be fully present with my kids in their interests.
~diana, Queen of Everything
Mother to the Princess of Quite-a-lot and the Prince of Whatever's Left.
Living proof that today's mighty oak is yesterday's nut who stood her
ground. ~anonymous
_________________________________________________________________
Express yourself with the new version of MSN Messenger! Download today -
it's FREE! http://messenger.msn.com/go/onm00200471ave/direct/01/
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/13/04 5:58:34 AM, mkirk@... writes:
<< He has another book called _Wherever
You Go, There You Are_ which is really good, too, but not a parenting book. >>
Better people make better parents, though, so working on one's own peace and
self esteem and coping skills has to help kids!
Sometimes a person is so wounded they can't operate simple advice. And
there's no really good way for us to get that across, especially in a writing-only
way. La Leche League meetings are a little better, but even then parents are
behaving in front of other parents and it might not match the way they'll be
when they get home.
For instance, though, if a parent says "I don't mind," it can be said with a
great range of emotion and "message" through posture and intonation, eye
movement, other subtle clues that some people read better than others and some kids
learn to ignore if their parents express too much non-verbally. So if a
parent reports "I just said 'Fine'" or "I told him I wasn't angry," it's possible
that the messages were actually "I can't stand this" and "You suck," though
the words themselves were not.
So long story tied back to beginning, the best parenting book in the world
won't work for a parent whose personal frustration level is topping out all the
time.
My sister used to be totally wired (sometimes with substances, sometimes with
guilt, sometimes just naturally). And everything was the last straw. "Calm
down," for her, meant "Take one straw off your hay wagon, so that you can
move, slightly."
The next thing that happened was the last straw.
One day I told her she had to unload at least half that wagon, not just
enough to stop yelling or stop crying. She wasn't going to be ANY good at
parenting if she was blaming her kids for everything she felt.
And she did get better for a long time. But she got self-righteously angry
about new and different things and didn't have the tricks and tools to process
those feelings and move on calmly. She ended up divorced a couple of years
ago, and that was NO damned good for her kids, the youngest of whom is 16 now.
So.
I think it's okay to recommend books or methods or ideas that aren't
specifically parenting-focussed. Parents are people. Kids are people. People focus
is good.
Sandra
<< He has another book called _Wherever
You Go, There You Are_ which is really good, too, but not a parenting book. >>
Better people make better parents, though, so working on one's own peace and
self esteem and coping skills has to help kids!
Sometimes a person is so wounded they can't operate simple advice. And
there's no really good way for us to get that across, especially in a writing-only
way. La Leche League meetings are a little better, but even then parents are
behaving in front of other parents and it might not match the way they'll be
when they get home.
For instance, though, if a parent says "I don't mind," it can be said with a
great range of emotion and "message" through posture and intonation, eye
movement, other subtle clues that some people read better than others and some kids
learn to ignore if their parents express too much non-verbally. So if a
parent reports "I just said 'Fine'" or "I told him I wasn't angry," it's possible
that the messages were actually "I can't stand this" and "You suck," though
the words themselves were not.
So long story tied back to beginning, the best parenting book in the world
won't work for a parent whose personal frustration level is topping out all the
time.
My sister used to be totally wired (sometimes with substances, sometimes with
guilt, sometimes just naturally). And everything was the last straw. "Calm
down," for her, meant "Take one straw off your hay wagon, so that you can
move, slightly."
The next thing that happened was the last straw.
One day I told her she had to unload at least half that wagon, not just
enough to stop yelling or stop crying. She wasn't going to be ANY good at
parenting if she was blaming her kids for everything she felt.
And she did get better for a long time. But she got self-righteously angry
about new and different things and didn't have the tricks and tools to process
those feelings and move on calmly. She ended up divorced a couple of years
ago, and that was NO damned good for her kids, the youngest of whom is 16 now.
So.
I think it's okay to recommend books or methods or ideas that aren't
specifically parenting-focussed. Parents are people. Kids are people. People focus
is good.
Sandra