Mean Girls
Have a Nice Day!
If anyone has read the unschooling.com boards, I posted that my 12 year old daughter has been "hanging out" with some people she believes are her friends, while I am worried because these friends are into high risk behavior and think "parents are lame".
My daughter wanted to emulate these kids, and has started smoking as well.
I started by limiting the time she spends with them, but then thought that really wasn't going to work. So I let her have her freedom, only asking that she carry a cell phone so if she needed to she could call me, and also so if I panic, I can call her.
My goal was to preserve her freedom, while also protecting her from hurting herself (something she has done before, in the name of fitting in).
Today, one of her "Friends" ditched her. She told the girl that she is downright rude (Go dd!).
I'm really glad I had let go of her, because now I am not the enemy and she could share and cry on my shoulder.
In any case, I am looking for things for her to get involved in that she enjoys, and that she can make new friends with. I am getting information on the SCA, and I'll probably check into some of the local theaters and stuff, to see if she can get involved.
The unfortunate thing is that its either "school at homers" or public schoolers here. And neither are ever available to just "hang out".....which leaves us with people who avoid parents like the plague, even when I've tried to make it appealing for them to be here.
Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people?
Thanks!
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My daughter wanted to emulate these kids, and has started smoking as well.
I started by limiting the time she spends with them, but then thought that really wasn't going to work. So I let her have her freedom, only asking that she carry a cell phone so if she needed to she could call me, and also so if I panic, I can call her.
My goal was to preserve her freedom, while also protecting her from hurting herself (something she has done before, in the name of fitting in).
Today, one of her "Friends" ditched her. She told the girl that she is downright rude (Go dd!).
I'm really glad I had let go of her, because now I am not the enemy and she could share and cry on my shoulder.
In any case, I am looking for things for her to get involved in that she enjoys, and that she can make new friends with. I am getting information on the SCA, and I'll probably check into some of the local theaters and stuff, to see if she can get involved.
The unfortunate thing is that its either "school at homers" or public schoolers here. And neither are ever available to just "hang out".....which leaves us with people who avoid parents like the plague, even when I've tried to make it appealing for them to be here.
Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people?
Thanks!
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On May 3, 2004, at 3:50 PM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
For my 13 yo, 4H horseback riding has been fantastic. All the other
kids either go to school or are school-at-home homeschoolers, but when
they hang out together at the stables, none of that seems to matter at
all. It seems these girls have other things to think about and keep
busy with than bullying or cliques or that kind of thing. They can talk
for HOURS about which horse has the best trot and other such exciting
subjects! <G> It is a very supportive environment - 4H is based on
experiential learning - not "teaching." It depends on the project
leaders, of course, but the organization is extremely welcoming to kids
with nonacademic leanings, in my experience. This translates into
simply being more welcoming to all kids.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
>How old is she again?
> Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people?
>
For my 13 yo, 4H horseback riding has been fantastic. All the other
kids either go to school or are school-at-home homeschoolers, but when
they hang out together at the stables, none of that seems to matter at
all. It seems these girls have other things to think about and keep
busy with than bullying or cliques or that kind of thing. They can talk
for HOURS about which horse has the best trot and other such exciting
subjects! <G> It is a very supportive environment - 4H is based on
experiential learning - not "teaching." It depends on the project
leaders, of course, but the organization is extremely welcoming to kids
with nonacademic leanings, in my experience. This translates into
simply being more welcoming to all kids.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
Have a Nice Day!
She is 12. I'll ask her about the 4H thing. I know she was interested in horses before. there is a local stable (well, about 1/2 hour away) that does work/study programs.
There was something else I didn't mention though. Very often she says "Nah, thats boring" to any suggestion I come up with.
Is this a 12 year old girl thing? She seems restless and disatisfied with *everything* in her life.
Kristen
There was something else I didn't mention though. Very often she says "Nah, thats boring" to any suggestion I come up with.
Is this a 12 year old girl thing? She seems restless and disatisfied with *everything* in her life.
Kristen
----- Original Message -----
From: pam sorooshian
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 6:57 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mean Girls
On May 3, 2004, at 3:50 PM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
>
> Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people?
>
How old is she again?
For my 13 yo, 4H horseback riding has been fantastic. All the other
kids either go to school or are school-at-home homeschoolers, but when
they hang out together at the stables, none of that seems to matter at
all. It seems these girls have other things to think about and keep
busy with than bullying or cliques or that kind of thing. They can talk
for HOURS about which horse has the best trot and other such exciting
subjects! <G> It is a very supportive environment - 4H is based on
experiential learning - not "teaching." It depends on the project
leaders, of course, but the organization is extremely welcoming to kids
with nonacademic leanings, in my experience. This translates into
simply being more welcoming to all kids.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/3/04 4:51:53 PM, litlrooh@... writes:
<< The unfortunate thing is that its either "school at homers" or public
schoolers here. And neither are ever available to just "hang out".....which
leaves us with people who avoid parents like the plague, even when I've tried to
make it appealing for them to be here.
<<Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people? >>
My suggestion is not to limit your target friends to people her age. Why
can't she hang around with older people? Adults? That might be good for a while
until she finds some more people her age.
Maybe if she finds kids in the SCA or theatre groups it won't matter whether
they go to school or not, because they will have that common interest.
Sandra
<< The unfortunate thing is that its either "school at homers" or public
schoolers here. And neither are ever available to just "hang out".....which
leaves us with people who avoid parents like the plague, even when I've tried to
make it appealing for them to be here.
<<Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people? >>
My suggestion is not to limit your target friends to people her age. Why
can't she hang around with older people? Adults? That might be good for a while
until she finds some more people her age.
Maybe if she finds kids in the SCA or theatre groups it won't matter whether
they go to school or not, because they will have that common interest.
Sandra
Have a Nice Day!
Oh, I don't limit her to kids her age. *She* does that. I'd be more than happy if she were to hang out with adults (or any age for that matter). But right now, she thinks thats "lame".
I always thought having the "common interest" would be enough, but Its not enough to see these people at swim practice, or Girl Scouts. She wants to "hang out" with them too.
I don't have any problem with that, except they aren't available outside of the activities.
Its just frustrating.
Kristen
I always thought having the "common interest" would be enough, but Its not enough to see these people at swim practice, or Girl Scouts. She wants to "hang out" with them too.
I don't have any problem with that, except they aren't available outside of the activities.
Its just frustrating.
Kristen
----- Original Message -----
From: SandraDodd@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 7:31 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mean Girls
In a message dated 5/3/04 4:51:53 PM, litlrooh@... writes:
<< The unfortunate thing is that its either "school at homers" or public
schoolers here. And neither are ever available to just "hang out".....which
leaves us with people who avoid parents like the plague, even when I've tried to
make it appealing for them to be here.
<<Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people? >>
My suggestion is not to limit your target friends to people her age. Why
can't she hang around with older people? Adults? That might be good for a while
until she finds some more people her age.
Maybe if she finds kids in the SCA or theatre groups it won't matter whether
they go to school or not, because they will have that common interest.
Sandra
"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
J. Stauffer
<<< My suggestion is not to limit your target friends to people her age.>>>>
This is so true. We live in the Christian school at homer capital of the
world (or at least it seems like it). So having the only Pagan unschooling
mom on the block didn't help our social situation.
My dd is thirteen and is strikingly attractive (I can say that and not be
bragging since we aren't genetically related <grin>). She had always been
quite popular because she is also smart, funny, and tremendously generous
with her time and things.
As soon as she hit puberty, the girls started being mean to her, avoiding
her, not talking to her. The boys are practically shooed away from her by
their moms.
Thank goodness, Adriane has continued with doing the things she loves.
Gymnastics and 4-H have allowed her to find friends from all over who are of
varying ages.
Julie S.
This is so true. We live in the Christian school at homer capital of the
world (or at least it seems like it). So having the only Pagan unschooling
mom on the block didn't help our social situation.
My dd is thirteen and is strikingly attractive (I can say that and not be
bragging since we aren't genetically related <grin>). She had always been
quite popular because she is also smart, funny, and tremendously generous
with her time and things.
As soon as she hit puberty, the girls started being mean to her, avoiding
her, not talking to her. The boys are practically shooed away from her by
their moms.
Thank goodness, Adriane has continued with doing the things she loves.
Gymnastics and 4-H have allowed her to find friends from all over who are of
varying ages.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: <SandraDodd@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 6:31 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mean Girls
>
> In a message dated 5/3/04 4:51:53 PM, litlrooh@... writes:
>
> << The unfortunate thing is that its either "school at homers" or public
> schoolers here. And neither are ever available to just "hang
out".....which
> leaves us with people who avoid parents like the plague, even when I've
tried to
> make it appealing for them to be here.
>
> <<Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people? >>
>
> My suggestion is not to limit your target friends to people her age. Why
> can't she hang around with older people? Adults? That might be good for
a while
> until she finds some more people her age.
>
> Maybe if she finds kids in the SCA or theatre groups it won't matter
whether
> they go to school or not, because they will have that common interest.
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
J. Stauffer
<<< I always thought having the "common interest" would be enough, but Its
not enough to see these people at swim practice, or Girl Scouts. She wants
to "hang out" with them too.>>>
But if it is truly a passion then she will start to hang out with those
people. Not by trying to hang out but just by being there more and it
develops naturally.
Adriane took a gymnastics class. She loved it. It has developed into
traveling to competitions with her team, 10 hours of classes each week,
teaching up there 4 hours per week. and HANGING OUT in between those things.
Julie S.
not enough to see these people at swim practice, or Girl Scouts. She wants
to "hang out" with them too.>>>
But if it is truly a passion then she will start to hang out with those
people. Not by trying to hang out but just by being there more and it
develops naturally.
Adriane took a gymnastics class. She loved it. It has developed into
traveling to competitions with her team, 10 hours of classes each week,
teaching up there 4 hours per week. and HANGING OUT in between those things.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Have a Nice Day!" <litlrooh@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 7:42 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mean Girls
> Oh, I don't limit her to kids her age. *She* does that. I'd be more than
happy if she were to hang out with adults (or any age for that matter). But
right now, she thinks thats "lame".
>
> I always thought having the "common interest" would be enough, but Its not
enough to see these people at swim practice, or Girl Scouts. She wants to
"hang out" with them too.
>
> I don't have any problem with that, except they aren't available outside
of the activities.
>
> Its just frustrating.
>
> Kristen
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: SandraDodd@...
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 7:31 PM
> Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mean Girls
>
>
>
> In a message dated 5/3/04 4:51:53 PM, litlrooh@... writes:
>
> << The unfortunate thing is that its either "school at homers" or public
> schoolers here. And neither are ever available to just "hang
out".....which
> leaves us with people who avoid parents like the plague, even when I've
tried to
> make it appealing for them to be here.
>
> <<Does anyone have any other suggestions for her to meet new people? >>
>
> My suggestion is not to limit your target friends to people her age.
Why
> can't she hang around with older people? Adults? That might be good
for a while
> until she finds some more people her age.
>
> Maybe if she finds kids in the SCA or theatre groups it won't matter
whether
> they go to school or not, because they will have that common interest.
>
> Sandra
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
> ADVERTISEMENT
>
>
>
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
> a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
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>
> b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
> c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of
Service.
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Christina Morrissey
Hey Kristen....
Yes....it's got to be a 12 yr old thing (maybe not just girl thing
though...I seem to recall my son being that way then too) And of course, I
thing my daughter has been kind of like this since the age of 9, and others
tell me that puberty for girls lasts until they move out, right!!
Anyway, I too have a social butterfly living with us and who can't seem to
get happy about much. All I can do is try everything.
The loneliness has always been hardest for someone who wants playmates 24
hrs a day (literally). I try to keep her days as busy as I can with no
guarantee that she will have regular playmates or that she will agree to
any of the activities. Occasionally we do meet up with some girl that we
have seen at other activities and over time they have become friends, and
then they meet outside these activities. We're in Girl Scouts, which was
fine until this year as the separation between her school friends has
widened into a canyon, so now we go Juliet Lowe(independent). We are in
the process of starting a homeschool group of Girl Scouts. We also
participate in a homeschool cooperative one day a week for science and
drama classes which provides almost a school atmosphere where she meets
lots of girls and boys all ages and has made at least one real friend. She
picks the classes and has tried and dropped any number of them. She goes
for fun.
We volunteer at an animal shelter once a week during the morning, doing the
cat room with two other adults. My daughter likes animals. But since she
has started up with horseback riding lessons, and has indicated she would
like to see about working/volunteering at the stable, we'll probably finish
off our year at the shelter and drop that. There are always girls hanging
around the stable so she will probably meet some friends there.
(www.volunteermatch.com)
I just joined a local rock club that has a junior member section and they
have their own field trips. There are square dance clubs that often have
teen members. Does your YMCA have a homeschool day? Some of the local
Park and Rec departments in our state have homeschool classes/art classes
etc. What about your homeschool support groups in the area? any
activities they are doing? I have often joined any number of these just to
get their directories and them combed them to looked for any local
people. I would then email or call them to see if they want to get
together with me and my daughter....make "playdates." Most often they too
have the same problem.
Finally, there's the internet. My daughter is major into neopets right
now. They have a whole website, with their own "neomail" and other kids
on-line and she and her girl friend often communicate at night this
way. You set up a store and paint it, and get mdse for it and price the
mdse and earn points to shop in other people's stores through playing all
these games, and tons of other stuff that I have no idea about, but she
spends hours on it in the middle of the night. She sets up her own website
or something on there and goes to town. She often talks about the new
friends she has made on-line...and yes, we do talk about all the caveats,
and it seems safe and approved. It is not a chat room.
Ultimately though, we talk about how homeschooling isn't like "school" and
how good that is. We discuss what a friend is. She has had some bad
experiences with the girls in the neighborhood that she has grown up with,
and initially gone to school with. She doesn't like these girls anymore,
but is torn between wanting to play with anyone she can and yet knowing how
they treat her. It's definitely a growing process. She knows that she
will never have a whole group of girls like her to "hang out with." She
too would love to have them here right in the neighborhood. But wishing
doesn't mean it's going to happen. So you deal with it and do the best you
can.
You might also read the book Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons. It gave me
excellent insight into the whole girlfriend paradigm and helped me
understand why girls/we do some things that they/we do/did when it comes to
having or being friends. However, Simmons really needs to do a whole new
book on homeschool girls, as the above book appears to be entirely on
public-schooled girls. Interesting reading though.
Sorry for the length of the email...hope you can use some of the
ideas...but rest assured, you are not alone!!
Christina in Seattle
Yes....it's got to be a 12 yr old thing (maybe not just girl thing
though...I seem to recall my son being that way then too) And of course, I
thing my daughter has been kind of like this since the age of 9, and others
tell me that puberty for girls lasts until they move out, right!!
Anyway, I too have a social butterfly living with us and who can't seem to
get happy about much. All I can do is try everything.
The loneliness has always been hardest for someone who wants playmates 24
hrs a day (literally). I try to keep her days as busy as I can with no
guarantee that she will have regular playmates or that she will agree to
any of the activities. Occasionally we do meet up with some girl that we
have seen at other activities and over time they have become friends, and
then they meet outside these activities. We're in Girl Scouts, which was
fine until this year as the separation between her school friends has
widened into a canyon, so now we go Juliet Lowe(independent). We are in
the process of starting a homeschool group of Girl Scouts. We also
participate in a homeschool cooperative one day a week for science and
drama classes which provides almost a school atmosphere where she meets
lots of girls and boys all ages and has made at least one real friend. She
picks the classes and has tried and dropped any number of them. She goes
for fun.
We volunteer at an animal shelter once a week during the morning, doing the
cat room with two other adults. My daughter likes animals. But since she
has started up with horseback riding lessons, and has indicated she would
like to see about working/volunteering at the stable, we'll probably finish
off our year at the shelter and drop that. There are always girls hanging
around the stable so she will probably meet some friends there.
(www.volunteermatch.com)
I just joined a local rock club that has a junior member section and they
have their own field trips. There are square dance clubs that often have
teen members. Does your YMCA have a homeschool day? Some of the local
Park and Rec departments in our state have homeschool classes/art classes
etc. What about your homeschool support groups in the area? any
activities they are doing? I have often joined any number of these just to
get their directories and them combed them to looked for any local
people. I would then email or call them to see if they want to get
together with me and my daughter....make "playdates." Most often they too
have the same problem.
Finally, there's the internet. My daughter is major into neopets right
now. They have a whole website, with their own "neomail" and other kids
on-line and she and her girl friend often communicate at night this
way. You set up a store and paint it, and get mdse for it and price the
mdse and earn points to shop in other people's stores through playing all
these games, and tons of other stuff that I have no idea about, but she
spends hours on it in the middle of the night. She sets up her own website
or something on there and goes to town. She often talks about the new
friends she has made on-line...and yes, we do talk about all the caveats,
and it seems safe and approved. It is not a chat room.
Ultimately though, we talk about how homeschooling isn't like "school" and
how good that is. We discuss what a friend is. She has had some bad
experiences with the girls in the neighborhood that she has grown up with,
and initially gone to school with. She doesn't like these girls anymore,
but is torn between wanting to play with anyone she can and yet knowing how
they treat her. It's definitely a growing process. She knows that she
will never have a whole group of girls like her to "hang out with." She
too would love to have them here right in the neighborhood. But wishing
doesn't mean it's going to happen. So you deal with it and do the best you
can.
You might also read the book Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons. It gave me
excellent insight into the whole girlfriend paradigm and helped me
understand why girls/we do some things that they/we do/did when it comes to
having or being friends. However, Simmons really needs to do a whole new
book on homeschool girls, as the above book appears to be entirely on
public-schooled girls. Interesting reading though.
Sorry for the length of the email...hope you can use some of the
ideas...but rest assured, you are not alone!!
Christina in Seattle
><<She is 12. Very often she says "Nah, thats boring" to any suggestion[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I come up with.Is this a 12 year old girl thing? She seems restless and
>disatisfied with *everything* in her life.
>
>Kristen>>
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/4/04 11:37:54 AM, cmvw@... writes:
<< The loneliness has always been hardest for someone who wants playmates 24
hrs a day (literally). I try to keep her days as busy as I can with no
guarantee that she will have regular playmates or that she will agree to
any of the activities. >>
Can you find friends who can do overnighters a lot? We had a lot of that
when the kids were younger. Wait! Still. <g> We have an extra teenaged boy
right now. There were three or four last weekend.
Maybe there's a homeschooling kid whose parents have moved out of town and is
missing being in town. We had a one of those when kids were younger. If he
stayed over to do something at a museum or gaming store the next day, it was
fine for him and great for my boys. They got along better when there were
three than two.
Holly has girls over sometimes and it really makes the day different, and her
toys different, and the rats different.
But within the last fifteen minutes she was asking why one particular friend
wasn't fun and goofy anymore, but so serious. Puberty. We discussed Peter
Pan. I commiserated wtih her. It's sad. Kids change.
Sandra
--------
<< The loneliness has always been hardest for someone who wants playmates 24
hrs a day (literally). I try to keep her days as busy as I can with no
guarantee that she will have regular playmates or that she will agree to
any of the activities. >>
Can you find friends who can do overnighters a lot? We had a lot of that
when the kids were younger. Wait! Still. <g> We have an extra teenaged boy
right now. There were three or four last weekend.
Maybe there's a homeschooling kid whose parents have moved out of town and is
missing being in town. We had a one of those when kids were younger. If he
stayed over to do something at a museum or gaming store the next day, it was
fine for him and great for my boys. They got along better when there were
three than two.
Holly has girls over sometimes and it really makes the day different, and her
toys different, and the rats different.
But within the last fifteen minutes she was asking why one particular friend
wasn't fun and goofy anymore, but so serious. Puberty. We discussed Peter
Pan. I commiserated wtih her. It's sad. Kids change.
Sandra
--------
[email protected]
My almost-12 girl saw "Mean Girls". She loved it, thought it was hilarious and pretty true to life (saw it with friend, almost 16yo pub sch girl). She said it "had a good message". She was a little bothered by the stereotypes of homeschoolers it portrayed, though.
Diane
--
"Just as eating against one's will is injurious to health, so
study without a liking for it spoils the memory, and it retains
nothing it takes in." -Leonardo da Vinci
Diane
--
"Just as eating against one's will is injurious to health, so
study without a liking for it spoils the memory, and it retains
nothing it takes in." -Leonardo da Vinci
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/15/2004 2:28:29 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
tumile@... writes:
Síocháin ar domhan,
Sang
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
tumile@... writes:
> She was a little bothered by the stereotypes of homeschoolers it portrayed,What were the stereotypes?
> though.
>
Síocháin ar domhan,
Sang
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/15/04 12:28:37 AM, tumile@... writes:
<< She was a little bothered by the stereotypes of homeschoolers it
portrayed, though. >>
Those are true to life too, and the point was that it was the homeschooled
teen acknolwedging that some people think of homeschoolers as all being one of
those two ways, but they're not. And that's true. But some are.
I thought it was a really good movie. I saw it with Kirby, after he and the
other kids had gone to see it with three other homeschoolers.
Sandra
<< She was a little bothered by the stereotypes of homeschoolers it
portrayed, though. >>
Those are true to life too, and the point was that it was the homeschooled
teen acknolwedging that some people think of homeschoolers as all being one of
those two ways, but they're not. And that's true. But some are.
I thought it was a really good movie. I saw it with Kirby, after he and the
other kids had gone to see it with three other homeschoolers.
Sandra