Lee-Ann and Robert Storer

Yesterday afternoon was a bit bleark around here. I took Billie's friends home (two girls stayed for the weekend with Billie (11) out in a tent in the yard) and picked Jason (14) up from a friends house in a different town (took a couple of hours). Got home and Billie and Megan were 'into it' over the internet.

Megan was quite happy until Billie demanded to know how long she'd been on for and Megan was accidentally disconnected. Then there was yelling and hitting and screeching (the kids not me) and crying - mostly from Megan, Billie contributed just enough to keep Megan hyped up. Kinda got the problem sorted out. Megan reconnected, Billie in her room waiting patiently, me banging head on wall in the corner while gently rocking (nah not really lol).

Anyway the upshot is that Megan went into total frustrated meltdown over the slightest thing for the rest of the evening. Very verbally abusive, pinching and generally horrible - to me. At one stage I totally lost the plot while she was pinching me and pinched her right back (cringe). Shouldna done it. Makes me sick in the throat thinking about it. It wasn't a nasty thin pinch that stings - it was a nasty thick pinch that hurts the arm and damages the soul (ah shit!). She was so shocked that she stopped the swearing (you are a f*ing bitch, using f* every second word etc) and the pinching. She climbed onto my lap and I held her and cuddled her.

She wanted to know why I pinched her and I said I was sick of being pinched and sworn at, that it hurt my feelings and also made me angry, and that none of that was an excuse for hurting her and I'm very sorry. I asked why she pinched me and she said 'because I'm frustrated and pissed off' and I said 'that's no excuse for hurting people' and she wanted to know again why I had pinched her so I asked her why she'd pinched me and she kinda grinned at me and said ' we just said all that' so I said 'can we agree not to pinch each other anymore?'.

It feels like the whole evening was filled with her swearing and bossing (get me a sandwich, wipe me, turn my pj top in the right way, get me a drink etc) and generally being really unpleasant.

Okay so what was I - mother of the year - doing? Sitting at the computer playing a stinking game while I was waiting for her to get her pjs on so I could read to her in my bed. At the time all I could/wanted to feel was the injustice of me 'having' to pander to her every whim (let's not go there just now), of 'having' to put up with her verbal and physical abuse (let's not go there yet either). All I could/wanted to think about was how I deserved a break after driving around dropping off and picking up when I could have been home doing......what??? One correct answer is 'being with Megan and loving this child who right at this moment needed something other than a big fat pinch on the arm'.

I did help her with her pjs, I did get her a snack. I turned off the computer and when she was ready we went into my bed and settled in and Robert got in his bed (right up against my bed) and the lights were out and we went to sleepish. Megan talked to me for a few minutes about falling down the gap between our beds so I nudged over for her.

Now it's Monday morning 9-10am and Megan is still sleeping, cosy and warm in my bed. Robert is at work, Jason is on the pc next to this one listening to Japanese pop songs, Billie is asleep in her/Megans room. I'm sitting here wondering how I'm gonna stretch myself between Megan and Billie. I told Robert as he left for work not to expect much done to the house today because I'll be spending heaps of time with Megan - well with all the kids actually.
I just asked Jason whether he felt that I was spending enough time with him and he said 'I don't know, whatever'. I'll take that as a NO.
So I've made a list while I'm sitting here - a list of possible things to do with the kids today. Jason has given me a couple of ideas, mostly involving animes that he tapes <g>.

sit and have breakfast with girls when they wake up
Cluedo (simpsons version)
Kings in the Corners
Worms (play station game)
watch first few episodes of Trigun (I really like it!)
mess around with homemade playdough (I hope it's not mouldy)
make something yummy for lunch
go for a walk
take turns mowing the paddock while we chat
watch first few episodes of Cowboy Bebop (I like it too but I don't want to get attached to Spike because I know he's gonna die and it will be too sad for me)
make biscuits (cookies)
get dinner ready (roast chook and roast potatoes and boiled veg)

well I don't think that's too ambitious. It's all stuff that we all like to do (even Jason get's into the playdough if we're having fun with it). Sometimes it will just be one or two of the kids doing things with me while one is on the internet but we'll all basically be in the same room most of the time and there's a good chance for one on one time with each of the kids.

I'm not going to turn it into 'control freak central'. I'm gonna do all this stuff because I want to. Some of it I'll invite the kids to join me, some of it I'll just start doing for myself and they can join in (yay) or not (ah well), and sometimes I'll ask the kids if there's anything they'd like to do with me.

And now a word about Robert.......I love him, he's my husband, he's Megan's biological father and step father to Jason and Billie. We've know each other for 23 years, been married for 10. Sometimes he's brilliant with the kids. He used to go out and play cricket with them in the yard. Now Billie mostly feels scared of him and Megan says she's scared of him too but that's maybe because she's heard Billie say it but maybe not. He's very tall, he has a loud voice if he loses his temper (which isn't often). He's wavering between embracing unschooling as a life choice and resisting it. That's fine. It's where he's at.

He said to me yesterday morning - "you're right, kids should be free, I'm seeing it more and more". He'll have his lightbulb moments and be able to share them with me like I can share mine with you (and him but it's not the same <g>). I'm working on getting him to a place where he feels more connected with the family (or a place where the family feels more connected with him??). I'm working on connecting with him in a better way. I'm also working on myself. That's a lot of work. Phew, I've rambled. I feel like I have a plan now. The worst that can happen has happened before many times. We get through it and move on and try to do better next time. This time I have a plan though.

If you've read this far I thank you from the bottom of my chicken (sesame street thing).

Lee-Ann in Australia
aka Dances With Goats
aka Stands With a Mop






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Sandra Dodd

-=-She was so shocked that she stopped the swearing (you are a f*ing
bitch, using f* every second word etc) and the pinching. She climbed
onto my
lap and I held her and cuddled her.-=-

I've never been cussed out. I think Kirby indirectly said bitch,
like "It seemed like you were being kind of a bitch" but it's been a
while. But when they've been doing something to the point that I
don't know what to do and I do something I regret, I've done this,
instead of just plain apologizing:

I've said "What should I have done to get you to stop?"
And "If you had been me, and your feelings were really hurt, what
would you have done?"
And I wasn't fishing for agreement, I was honestly asking for what
they would have preferred as response.

A couple of times when I was frustrated I said something about how
irritating it is for me when they're just plainly embarrassments and
I would VERY much like it if they would try to take a breath and
communicate instad of just going off. I've never said a thing like
that when they weren't going off in some embarrassing fashion
(embarrassing for me and them both).

Every screw up is another thing on the checklist for next
time. "What to avoid..."

Sandra
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[email protected]

In a message dated 10/26/03 6:00:44 PM Eastern Standard Time,
lrjem1@... writes:
> Okay so what was I - mother of the year - doing? Sitting at the computer
> playing a stinking game while I was waiting for her to get her pjs on so I
> could read to her in my bed. At the time all I could/wanted to feel was the
> injustice of me 'having' to pander to her every whim (let's not go there just
> now), of 'having' to put up with her verbal and physical abuse (let's not go
> there yet either). All I could/wanted to think about was how I deserved a
> break after driving around dropping off and picking up when I could have been
> home doing......what??? One correct answer is 'being with Megan and loving this
> child who right at this moment needed something other than a big fat pinch
> on the arm'.


And another answer is doing something you love to do, like brewing a strong
cup of coffee or reading a few pages of a book you love or yes, being at the
computer, venting a minute.

In another post, Joyce asked me what personal boundaries I was trying to set
-- this was in relation to the" I'm on the verge of requiring bedtimes"
thread. And what you've (bravely and honestly) described here is the situation I
need to avoid, because we've been there before. If I do too much for others,
past the point where I have some internal resources left for myself, then I end
up not being able to deal with the things that inevitably come up during the
day. Some alone time at the end of the day is one thing I need to do for
myself -- some time to think my own thoughts. (The "light times" and quiet times
seem to be a good answer to those particular concerns.) I have gotten *much*
better at talking to Fisher about what I need (negotiating) instead of trying
to do everything that was "on the agenda."

Peace,
Amy


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