[UnschoolingDiscussion] speaking of teenagers: could use some advice
[email protected]
Hi everyone!
I hope you don't mind me asking this question since it is about an older
teen.......but I could really use some advice.
My stepson is 18, and has just come 3 months ago from France, to live with us.
He was unhappily schooled his whole life, bounced from private school to
private school.......and finally public when no more would take him.
He is a highly intelligent, deep and sweet boy who has had a lot of heartache
in his life.
My husband works a real lot so he's home with me and my 15 month old daughter.
He is very sensitive and I think he resents my dd a little. He said before he
came here that she's not his sister.
He definitely likes us though.
He spends almost all his waking hours on the computer or on the X-box.
He stays up all night and sleeps most of the day and doesn't get any sunlight
really.
When I ask him to come with us some place he declines (when my husband is
home he does go out with him to play tennis and such).
We live with my parents temporarily (we just bought a business and are
staying w/ them for a bit) and they are not OK with his lifestyle (my mom mostly).
His room is overflowing garbage (until I pick it up) and he doesn't pitch in
when they are doing work. He locks the housekeeper out of his room.....lol.
He also doesn't work and didn't work for about 6 months before he left France.
He eats boxes of cookies and drinks liters of soda daily.......often there is
nothing left for the rest of them.
Monopolizes their computer.
Just lots of bad habits for a "guest" to have (their opinion).
I am fine with him keeping his room how he wants but it's not my home and he
has a room on the main level where people are constantly entering.
I admit I was a bit shocked when I saw that he had absolutely no desire to go
out and explore his new surroundings.......the town, etc.
I was thinking "maybe he's de-schooling" but it's been 3 months and it's
still this way.
I worry about his health and mind living this lifestyle (no sunlight,
smoking, minimal exercise etc.).
I've done it too when I was his age and I was a very unhealthy girl.
I keep the house stocked with natural, whole foods and that's what I cook.
He eats that too so that's a good thing.
I give him lots of space but lots of caring too.
I invite him to go places, never tell him he has to go.
I try to find ways (without being too obvious) for us to connect as a family
when dh isn't home and when he is.
I know he will not be like this forever as he is 18 and is bound to want some
kind of social interaction. He was very social in Nice, where he lived.....a
club kid.
I just am at a loss as to how to engage him in our daily life and connect.
I don't know how to help him connect with others and how to facilitate
pleasurable life experiences for him.
I'm new to this so please, any advice is welcome.
-amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I hope you don't mind me asking this question since it is about an older
teen.......but I could really use some advice.
My stepson is 18, and has just come 3 months ago from France, to live with us.
He was unhappily schooled his whole life, bounced from private school to
private school.......and finally public when no more would take him.
He is a highly intelligent, deep and sweet boy who has had a lot of heartache
in his life.
My husband works a real lot so he's home with me and my 15 month old daughter.
He is very sensitive and I think he resents my dd a little. He said before he
came here that she's not his sister.
He definitely likes us though.
He spends almost all his waking hours on the computer or on the X-box.
He stays up all night and sleeps most of the day and doesn't get any sunlight
really.
When I ask him to come with us some place he declines (when my husband is
home he does go out with him to play tennis and such).
We live with my parents temporarily (we just bought a business and are
staying w/ them for a bit) and they are not OK with his lifestyle (my mom mostly).
His room is overflowing garbage (until I pick it up) and he doesn't pitch in
when they are doing work. He locks the housekeeper out of his room.....lol.
He also doesn't work and didn't work for about 6 months before he left France.
He eats boxes of cookies and drinks liters of soda daily.......often there is
nothing left for the rest of them.
Monopolizes their computer.
Just lots of bad habits for a "guest" to have (their opinion).
I am fine with him keeping his room how he wants but it's not my home and he
has a room on the main level where people are constantly entering.
I admit I was a bit shocked when I saw that he had absolutely no desire to go
out and explore his new surroundings.......the town, etc.
I was thinking "maybe he's de-schooling" but it's been 3 months and it's
still this way.
I worry about his health and mind living this lifestyle (no sunlight,
smoking, minimal exercise etc.).
I've done it too when I was his age and I was a very unhealthy girl.
I keep the house stocked with natural, whole foods and that's what I cook.
He eats that too so that's a good thing.
I give him lots of space but lots of caring too.
I invite him to go places, never tell him he has to go.
I try to find ways (without being too obvious) for us to connect as a family
when dh isn't home and when he is.
I know he will not be like this forever as he is 18 and is bound to want some
kind of social interaction. He was very social in Nice, where he lived.....a
club kid.
I just am at a loss as to how to engage him in our daily life and connect.
I don't know how to help him connect with others and how to facilitate
pleasurable life experiences for him.
I'm new to this so please, any advice is welcome.
-amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Betsy Hill
** He spends almost all his waking hours on the computer or on the X-box.**
Is this something he does because he doesn't have any friends locally?
** Just lots of bad habits for a "guest" to have (their opinion).**
If they think of him as a "guest" and not as "family" then it sounds
like they don't think of him as if he's really their grandson. Thus
it's not surprising he doesn't think their grandaughter is his sister,
right?
** I worry about his health and mind living this lifestyle (no sunlight,
smoking, minimal exercise etc.). I've done it too when I was his age
and I was a very unhealthy girl.**
Do you remember people (like your parents) pushing you to change and how
you felt about it?
** I keep the house stocked with natural, whole foods and that's what I
cook. He eats that too so that's a good thing.
I give him lots of space but lots of caring too.
I invite him to go places, never tell him he has to go.
I try to find ways (without being too obvious) for us to connect as a
family when dh isn't home and when he is.**
This all sounds good. I believe you are taking the right approach, even
if you don't see results yet.
It's tough when your home is not fully your home, as is your situation
right now. My mother went through a similar thing with my brother (in
his 40s) recently when he was unemployed. He could come and stay in her
guestroom, for a short time. But the house she lives in is owned by her
boyfriend who eventually lost patience and made him move out. I do
think it's best if your parents talk to your husband about his son's
behavior, leaving you out of the "chain of command" as much as
possible. This is pretty common advice for stepfamilies. Your husband
may not want to deal with complaints, but his relationship with his son
is much stronger than yours.
Does this young man drive? Did he want to come to the U.S., or is there
some conflict with his mother driving him from the home he was raised
in? Was this originally a visit, or is he planning to stay in the U.S.
permanently?
I'm ready to say that the only thing I think is likely to help is for
your husband to increase the amount of time he spends with his adult
son, even if he has to cut back on his work hours to do so.
"Strewing" a few interesting things may help a bit. Maybe even French
magazines and videos if he is feeling homesick. Since the young man
doesn't seem very active, watching videos is a low-energy activity that
I thought he might be willing to do, but he's unlikely to want to watch
your daughter's Disney videos. You may not want really violent movies
on when your daughter is awake, but maybe she wouldn't notice much if he
was watching sexy movies (tasteful ones, rated R, I mean). Another
possible type of movie that came to mind is the Ethan Hawke and Julia
Delpy movies Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. These are about a young
American man and a young French woman talking on a train. (v. little
sex in them). He might think Julia is cute, and you might find stuff to
talk about about differences between French and American culture.
Other stuff you strew could be information about the local club scene,
or other things related to his interests. (I don't know what they are.)
You probably have to be subtle, because it sounds like he may be highly
resistant to feeling like he is being led or controlled by grown-ups.
** I know he will not be like this forever as he is 18 and is bound to
want some kind of social interaction.**
The desire to impress women has gotten many a young man cleaned up and
off the couch. <g> So, I think you are right in what you say above.
Betsy
Is this something he does because he doesn't have any friends locally?
** Just lots of bad habits for a "guest" to have (their opinion).**
If they think of him as a "guest" and not as "family" then it sounds
like they don't think of him as if he's really their grandson. Thus
it's not surprising he doesn't think their grandaughter is his sister,
right?
** I worry about his health and mind living this lifestyle (no sunlight,
smoking, minimal exercise etc.). I've done it too when I was his age
and I was a very unhealthy girl.**
Do you remember people (like your parents) pushing you to change and how
you felt about it?
** I keep the house stocked with natural, whole foods and that's what I
cook. He eats that too so that's a good thing.
I give him lots of space but lots of caring too.
I invite him to go places, never tell him he has to go.
I try to find ways (without being too obvious) for us to connect as a
family when dh isn't home and when he is.**
This all sounds good. I believe you are taking the right approach, even
if you don't see results yet.
It's tough when your home is not fully your home, as is your situation
right now. My mother went through a similar thing with my brother (in
his 40s) recently when he was unemployed. He could come and stay in her
guestroom, for a short time. But the house she lives in is owned by her
boyfriend who eventually lost patience and made him move out. I do
think it's best if your parents talk to your husband about his son's
behavior, leaving you out of the "chain of command" as much as
possible. This is pretty common advice for stepfamilies. Your husband
may not want to deal with complaints, but his relationship with his son
is much stronger than yours.
Does this young man drive? Did he want to come to the U.S., or is there
some conflict with his mother driving him from the home he was raised
in? Was this originally a visit, or is he planning to stay in the U.S.
permanently?
I'm ready to say that the only thing I think is likely to help is for
your husband to increase the amount of time he spends with his adult
son, even if he has to cut back on his work hours to do so.
"Strewing" a few interesting things may help a bit. Maybe even French
magazines and videos if he is feeling homesick. Since the young man
doesn't seem very active, watching videos is a low-energy activity that
I thought he might be willing to do, but he's unlikely to want to watch
your daughter's Disney videos. You may not want really violent movies
on when your daughter is awake, but maybe she wouldn't notice much if he
was watching sexy movies (tasteful ones, rated R, I mean). Another
possible type of movie that came to mind is the Ethan Hawke and Julia
Delpy movies Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. These are about a young
American man and a young French woman talking on a train. (v. little
sex in them). He might think Julia is cute, and you might find stuff to
talk about about differences between French and American culture.
Other stuff you strew could be information about the local club scene,
or other things related to his interests. (I don't know what they are.)
You probably have to be subtle, because it sounds like he may be highly
resistant to feeling like he is being led or controlled by grown-ups.
** I know he will not be like this forever as he is 18 and is bound to
want some kind of social interaction.**
The desire to impress women has gotten many a young man cleaned up and
off the couch. <g> So, I think you are right in what you say above.
Betsy
[email protected]
Although I've expressed some opinions, I don't see that this is an
unschooling issue. He's a grown schoolkid; your daughter is a toddler. Most of what
this list knows about isn't applicable.
have seemed crowded and tense enough.
But bottom line, if it's your parents' house, they should be able to call the
shots about how rooms are kept and how people behave.
-=-My husband works a real lot so he's home with me and my 15 month old
daughter.-=-
Do your parents work during the day?
-=-When I ask him to come with us some place he declines (when my husband is
home he does go out with him to play tennis and such).-=-
Are you asking him just at the last minute, or are you planning things a few
days in advance specifically intended to be of interest to him (yet something
your daughter would like too)?
Maybe because of the crowdedness situation, you should be planning many more
days out, and take him with you. Plan for it, maybe two touristing days a
week. It would be good all sorts of ways.
-=-We live with my parents temporarily (we just bought a business and are
staying w/ them for a bit) and they are not OK with his lifestyle (my mom
mostly).-=-
Did they know when they agreed to let you live there that he would be part of
the deal?
-=-He eats boxes of cookies and drinks liters of soda daily.......often there
is
nothing left for the rest of them.-=-
If you're not buying that food, ask him not to eat so much of your mom's
food. Boundaries seem to be being forgotten.
-=-Monopolizes their computer.-=-
You don't have a computer? Can you get one and let him use yours?
-=-Just lots of bad habits for a "guest" to have (their opinion).-=-
Is he not a guest?
If my daughter grew up and
married a guy
who had a grown son
and if my daughter needed to stay at my house, I wouldn't mind HER, and her
child, of course. Her husband, part of the deal; HIS SON? Absolutely a
guest. Not my relatives. Her relative by marriage. He needs to be very, very
nice.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
unschooling issue. He's a grown schoolkid; your daughter is a toddler. Most of what
this list knows about isn't applicable.
> My stepson is 18, and has just come 3 months ago from France, to live withIt seems quite a stretch to have a stepson stay with your parents. It must
> us.
> He was unhappily schooled his whole life, bounced from private school to
> private school.......and finally public when no more would take him.
>
have seemed crowded and tense enough.
But bottom line, if it's your parents' house, they should be able to call the
shots about how rooms are kept and how people behave.
-=-My husband works a real lot so he's home with me and my 15 month old
daughter.-=-
Do your parents work during the day?
-=-When I ask him to come with us some place he declines (when my husband is
home he does go out with him to play tennis and such).-=-
Are you asking him just at the last minute, or are you planning things a few
days in advance specifically intended to be of interest to him (yet something
your daughter would like too)?
Maybe because of the crowdedness situation, you should be planning many more
days out, and take him with you. Plan for it, maybe two touristing days a
week. It would be good all sorts of ways.
-=-We live with my parents temporarily (we just bought a business and are
staying w/ them for a bit) and they are not OK with his lifestyle (my mom
mostly).-=-
Did they know when they agreed to let you live there that he would be part of
the deal?
-=-He eats boxes of cookies and drinks liters of soda daily.......often there
is
nothing left for the rest of them.-=-
If you're not buying that food, ask him not to eat so much of your mom's
food. Boundaries seem to be being forgotten.
-=-Monopolizes their computer.-=-
You don't have a computer? Can you get one and let him use yours?
-=-Just lots of bad habits for a "guest" to have (their opinion).-=-
Is he not a guest?
If my daughter grew up and
married a guy
who had a grown son
and if my daughter needed to stay at my house, I wouldn't mind HER, and her
child, of course. Her husband, part of the deal; HIS SON? Absolutely a
guest. Not my relatives. Her relative by marriage. He needs to be very, very
nice.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]