[email protected]

I wrote something about this the other day, and have been thinking about it
a lot since. I think it's common and people do it without thinking, but I
can see a lot of problems with people asking and kids declaring "what they want
to be," or worse, "What are you GOING to be?"

In the June 13 People magazine there's an article about childhood sports
injuries--knee surgeries, ankle surgery in young female gymnasts, etc. It chats
on and on, but ends with a quote from one of the doctors being interviewed:

"Some of these youngsters need to decide if they want to be all-stars as
kids, or all-stars when they grow up."

Although in retrospect people will say "He decided to be an all-star and now
he is one!" what percentage of people who "decided to be an all-star" ended
up NOT being? Regardless of what it looks like in hindsight, it's not
something someone can "decide." And so those youngsters not only do NOT "need to
decide," they can't possibly "decide." They can decide to risk injury for
present competitive joy and the hope of dodging the injury and getting a
scholarship or getting to the olympics or whatever. That's a decision they can
make. They can decide NOT to risk it and find other things to do. But they
cannot decide to be all-stars, now or later.

I was talking a little of similar things with Pam Sorooshian, and it's just
simply about definitions of "being" (and there is no discussion of what it
means "to be" that isn't purely philosophy, but a very practical kind of
philosophy). Pam wrote this:


-=-[Roya] tried on the idea that she'd major in art, in college, but got to
be 20 and decided she wanted to think about what kind of WORK she'd enjoy
doing, to make a living, and couldn't figure out why she'd want a college degree
in art - she does her art for its own sake, doesn't need a degree in it to
"be" an artist.-=-

In lots of people's definitions, "being" means having a college degree, or
being paid a salary and having that thing "artist" or "player" in your job
description, on your business card, at the bottom of the tax forms where you
declare your occupation. And then there are the FAILED "beings," like former
priests, former teachers, former athletes. They are BEING a former-something.
That's weird. Not "I used to be an athlete," but "I am a former athlete."

That doesn't work with everything. There are just a few "occupations" that
last a lifetime. You become an ex- forever. Ex-cop. Former nun. It never
goes away.

I told Holly the other day after a conversation in which she showed some
amazing insight into some parenting she had seen that she thought was not well
reasoned, "You are going to be a great mom." Then I thought maybe she'll
never be a mom for some reason, and didn't like having said what I said, so I
said, "Or a great relative of kids, and a great friend."

She looked at me a little long, like she was wondering if I was joking, or
building up to another statement, and said "I already am."

She understands "being" better than I do, because she has grown up being.
I grew up being maybe in the way, or being wrong, or being too noisy or
being a smart-aleck.
I was asked what I was going to be when I grew up, but I was constantly TOLD
what I was being at the moment. I was not hungry, I had nothing to cry
about, I was asking too many questions. My being was defined by how I affected
the adults around me.

Holly has a lot of experience being Holly.
She has years of being heard, and being respected, and being whole.
When she is older, no matter what she does, she will still be Holly.
Her doing won't be her being.

Sandra


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

deedeanne

--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:


> In lots of people's definitions, "being" means having a college
degree, or
> being paid a salary and having that thing "artist" or "player" in
your job
> description, on your business card, at the bottom of the tax forms
where you
> declare your occupation. And then there are the
FAILED "beings," like former
> priests, former teachers, former athletes. They are BEING a
former-something.
> That's weird. Not "I used to be an athlete," but "I am a former
athlete."
>
> That doesn't work with everything. There are just a
few "occupations" that
> last a lifetime. You become an ex- forever. Ex-cop. Former
nun. It never
> goes away.
>
> I told Holly the other day after a conversation in which she
showed some
> amazing insight into some parenting she had seen that she thought
was not well
> reasoned, "You are going to be a great mom." Then I thought maybe
she'll
> never be a mom for some reason, and didn't like having said what I
said, so I
> said, "Or a great relative of kids, and a great friend."
>
> She looked at me a little long, like she was wondering if I was
joking, or
> building up to another statement, and said "I already am."
>
> She understands "being" better than I do, because she has grown
up being.
> I grew up being maybe in the way, or being wrong, or being too
noisy or
> being a smart-aleck.
> I was asked what I was going to be when I grew up, but I was
constantly TOLD
> what I was being at the moment. I was not hungry, I had nothing
to cry
> about, I was asking too many questions. My being was defined by
how I affected
> the adults around me.
>
> Holly has a lot of experience being Holly.
> She has years of being heard, and being respected, and being whole.
> When she is older, no matter what she does, she will still be
Holly.
> Her doing won't be her being.
>
> Sandra



I often think about these things too, Sandra. I don't think my DH or
mother know how to "be" without "doing". I grew up being told how I
should feel, how I should think about things, how I should act, what
I should do, and that never included just "being" me. I think my
mother still lives by alot of the "shoulds" she taught me, and that
prevents her from knowing how to just "be".

Recently my husband and I met another married couple, and after the
husbands talked a little bit about what they "did", the wife turned
to me and asked, "So, what do you do Deanne?" I hesistated, and
almost didn't answer because I was so caught up in my own thoughts
of being vs. doing. I thought: I DO lots of things. You mean my
work? I'm leaving my position anyway. I don't know if I want to
explain what my job is anyway. I don't want you to make assumptions
about me from my job. Well, I could say I'm a home educator. People
are usually so impressed, 'How do you do it?' No, that's a lie, and
pompous. I'll never see these people again anyway, maybe I should
just make up something exotic lik Babara Sher suggested in her talk
at Live and Learn last year. Yeah! What can I say? What can I say?
Oh no, they're all looking at me waiting for an answer! "I'm a
homemaker," I replied. The other woman said, "Me too." Then the
conversation turned to kids and homeschooling. (DH breathed a sigh of
relief. He thought I was gearing up for a rant about something in
that in that 10 seconds or so that I took to reply.<g>)

That's one of the things I love most about unschooling, it's the
freedom my kids have to just "be". They are valued and appreciated
for who they are, not because of what they do. They don't have to
conform themselves to "be" a certain way or "do" things to meet the
demands of the school system in order to feel valued. Of course we
celebrate their successes with them, but they are self-initiated
activities that have intrinsic value.

Can you tell this is a hot topic for me? I must go however, to meet
more basic needs - food and water.

Thanks for the post. What you wrote about Holly was beautiful. I'm
grateful that I have experienced a similar exchange with my 8yo
daughter.

Deanne

Paula Lesso

Andy is 5 now. When we discuss our lives, he knows that being
self-employed (with our cleaning business) is the way Dave and I earn
money to pay bills, provide food, buy fun stuff...and also the way we
make sure that one of us can always be with him. And also the way we
do something for money which we really love doing. It's a total-life
choice, not just a "job" choice. We talk about that, about how we feel
really happy with our choices, about how life is full of choices- and
we choose to focus on things which make us feel happy, fulfilled,
curious, interested...everything we are doing in our lives now feels
right, feels connected to who we are. Our choices nurture our Being.
Our choices ARE our Being!

When anyone asks about his future career plans, Andy replies, "When I
grow up, I'm gonna sell stuff on the Internet to make money." :-) I
hope he always sees that there's a way to form your whole life around
what you love. And that he always respects his life passions more than
the opinions of others.

And that, if he wants, he answers people in Barbara Sher fashion. "I'm
an Arachnid Communications Specialist."

~Paula Lesso


--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
> I wrote something about this the other day, and have been thinking
about it
> a lot since. I think it's common and people do it without
thinking, but I
> can see a lot of problems with people asking and kids declaring
"what they want
> to be," or worse, "What are you GOING to be?"
>
> In the June 13 People magazine there's an article about childhood
sports
> injuries--knee surgeries, ankle surgery in young female gymnasts,
etc. It chats
> on and on, but ends with a quote from one of the doctors being
interviewed:
>
> "Some of these youngsters need to decide if they want to be
all-stars as
> kids, or all-stars when they grow up."
>
> Although in retrospect people will say "He decided to be an
all-star and now
> he is one!" what percentage of people who "decided to be an
all-star" ended
> up NOT being? Regardless of what it looks like in hindsight, it's not
> something someone can "decide." And so those youngsters not only
do NOT "need to
> decide," they can't possibly "decide." They can decide to risk
injury for
> present competitive joy and the hope of dodging the injury and
getting a
> scholarship or getting to the olympics or whatever. That's a
decision they can
> make. They can decide NOT to risk it and find other things to do.
But they
> cannot decide to be all-stars, now or later.
>
> I was talking a little of similar things with Pam Sorooshian, and
it's just
> simply about definitions of "being" (and there is no discussion of
what it
> means "to be" that isn't purely philosophy, but a very practical
kind of
> philosophy). Pam wrote this:
>
>
> -=-[Roya] tried on the idea that she'd major in art, in college,
but got to
> be 20 and decided she wanted to think about what kind of WORK she'd
enjoy
> doing, to make a living, and couldn't figure out why she'd want a
college degree
> in art - she does her art for its own sake, doesn't need a degree
in it to
> "be" an artist.-=-
>
> In lots of people's definitions, "being" means having a college
degree, or
> being paid a salary and having that thing "artist" or "player" in
your job
> description, on your business card, at the bottom of the tax forms
where you
> declare your occupation. And then there are the FAILED "beings,"
like former
> priests, former teachers, former athletes. They are BEING a
former-something.
> That's weird. Not "I used to be an athlete," but "I am a former
athlete."
>
> That doesn't work with everything. There are just a few
"occupations" that
> last a lifetime. You become an ex- forever. Ex-cop. Former nun.
It never
> goes away.
>
> I told Holly the other day after a conversation in which she showed
some
> amazing insight into some parenting she had seen that she thought
was not well
> reasoned, "You are going to be a great mom." Then I thought maybe
she'll
> never be a mom for some reason, and didn't like having said what I
said, so I
> said, "Or a great relative of kids, and a great friend."
>
> She looked at me a little long, like she was wondering if I was
joking, or
> building up to another statement, and said "I already am."
>
> She understands "being" better than I do, because she has grown up
being.
> I grew up being maybe in the way, or being wrong, or being too noisy
or
> being a smart-aleck.
> I was asked what I was going to be when I grew up, but I was
constantly TOLD
> what I was being at the moment. I was not hungry, I had nothing to
cry
> about, I was asking too many questions. My being was defined by how
I affected
> the adults around me.
>
> Holly has a lot of experience being Holly.
> She has years of being heard, and being respected, and being whole.
> When she is older, no matter what she does, she will still be Holly.
> Her doing won't be her being.
>
> Sandra
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

diana jenner

deedeanne wrote:

>"So, what do you do Deanne?" I hesistated, and
>almost didn't answer because I was so caught up in my own thoughts
>of being vs. doing. I thought: I DO lots of things. You mean my
>work? I'm leaving my position anyway. I don't know if I want to
>explain what my job is anyway. I don't want you to make assumptions
>about me from my job. Well, I could say I'm a home educator. People
>are usually so impressed, 'How do you do it?' No, that's a lie, and
>pompous. I'll never see these people again anyway, maybe I should
>just make up something exotic lik Babara Sher suggested in her talk
>at Live and Learn last year. Yeah! What can I say? What can I say?
>Oh no, they're all looking at me waiting for an answer! "I'm a
>homemaker," I replied. The other woman said, "Me too." Then the
>conversation turned to kids and homeschooling. (DH breathed a sigh of
>relief. He thought I was gearing up for a rant about something in
>that in that 10 seconds or so that I took to reply.<g>)
>
>
Oh, what a great memory for me... Years ago in Los Angeles, I did the
Landmark Forum where the focus was on BEing. I went to a party where
someone I met asked me "what do you do?" and I replied, "Are you asking
because you really want to know what my job is, or because you think it
will give you some insight into who I *AM*??" Ah, the beginning of a
beautiful friendship! Some 15 years later, we are still in contact....

:) diana -- dashing off to send Dave a big hello :)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]