support group problem
[email protected]
Hello wise peolpe,
I have a unique situation I need some help thinking throrgh before I act. My son, 7 got in a fight during a parkday. Specifics are he wanted to check out a toy, the boy who brought the sword would not share. When the sword was down on the ground my son picked it up to check it out. Owner ran after him, grab tackled him, my son reacted by fighting and kicked him hard. I was the parent who sprinted to stop this, out in the field. It lasted all of 15 seconds. The boys split, the one who owned the sword was hurt from my son. My son needed away time for cool down so I left him alone. During the next 5 minutes I chatted with the mom and the boy, making sure he was ok. He was a bit hysterical about other things talking about trying to do what his counslers say to do etc.They left without waiting for my kid to come over, so the boys did not get a chance to talk through what happened. Well, the mom called the police who showed up at my door a few days later. She did not try to contact me after the incident. She told the police I was overprotective of my son and she wanted it documented that he battered her child.
What do you all think I should do? My son and I have talked about the group, he actually doesn't like the kids there that much so one option is to just drop hanging out with them. The group is active, I like the families and have been attending for several years. This mom is relatively new, she often has personal toys with her that her child does not share and which causes similar conflicts. Part of me wants to open this up to the other 50 members for discussion, but I hesitate to. My husband is a bit freaked out because the officer said the family could press civil charges against us for this.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I have a unique situation I need some help thinking throrgh before I act. My son, 7 got in a fight during a parkday. Specifics are he wanted to check out a toy, the boy who brought the sword would not share. When the sword was down on the ground my son picked it up to check it out. Owner ran after him, grab tackled him, my son reacted by fighting and kicked him hard. I was the parent who sprinted to stop this, out in the field. It lasted all of 15 seconds. The boys split, the one who owned the sword was hurt from my son. My son needed away time for cool down so I left him alone. During the next 5 minutes I chatted with the mom and the boy, making sure he was ok. He was a bit hysterical about other things talking about trying to do what his counslers say to do etc.They left without waiting for my kid to come over, so the boys did not get a chance to talk through what happened. Well, the mom called the police who showed up at my door a few days later. She did not try to contact me after the incident. She told the police I was overprotective of my son and she wanted it documented that he battered her child.
What do you all think I should do? My son and I have talked about the group, he actually doesn't like the kids there that much so one option is to just drop hanging out with them. The group is active, I like the families and have been attending for several years. This mom is relatively new, she often has personal toys with her that her child does not share and which causes similar conflicts. Part of me wants to open this up to the other 50 members for discussion, but I hesitate to. My husband is a bit freaked out because the officer said the family could press civil charges against us for this.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sue Patterson
Hi Mary!
I wish I was there to help you out! You've received quite a few good
ideas/thoughts on how to handle this. I have just a couple of other
views to toss in for your consideration.
First, I think it's REALLY bizarre that this lady called the police.
It's just way out of line, IMO. Unless Riley and this other kid have
had other problems coexisting at park day. But when you said that
this child was "trying to do what the counselors have said to do"...
maybe it's he that is having the repeated problem.
Since you said that Riley isn't enjoying the group, maybe that's
sparking some of the problems. I know that when Katie had a hard
time getting along with other kids, we curbed that involvement. I
didn't want her to repeatedly have bad experiences. She outgrew it,
and then we were able to rejoin groups.
I know this would be a hard thing to do, since you have friends
there. And maybe Riley can hang out with someone (is your mom
there?) while you swing by parkday for a little bit. Or maybe you
could just stick to the more organized activities that the group
does or through the community arts center. Riley may have more
success (and make some friends) when it's a little more structured.
At the least, I think I'd express my shock on the email list that
this woman called the police over the situation. It's not as if you
ignored the problem or told her to do the same. I think the group
would support you. You might also see if everyone will come to some
agreement that toys not meant to be shared should be left at home.
Nevertheless, {{{{{{{ }}}}}}
~Sue
I wish I was there to help you out! You've received quite a few good
ideas/thoughts on how to handle this. I have just a couple of other
views to toss in for your consideration.
First, I think it's REALLY bizarre that this lady called the police.
It's just way out of line, IMO. Unless Riley and this other kid have
had other problems coexisting at park day. But when you said that
this child was "trying to do what the counselors have said to do"...
maybe it's he that is having the repeated problem.
Since you said that Riley isn't enjoying the group, maybe that's
sparking some of the problems. I know that when Katie had a hard
time getting along with other kids, we curbed that involvement. I
didn't want her to repeatedly have bad experiences. She outgrew it,
and then we were able to rejoin groups.
I know this would be a hard thing to do, since you have friends
there. And maybe Riley can hang out with someone (is your mom
there?) while you swing by parkday for a little bit. Or maybe you
could just stick to the more organized activities that the group
does or through the community arts center. Riley may have more
success (and make some friends) when it's a little more structured.
At the least, I think I'd express my shock on the email list that
this woman called the police over the situation. It's not as if you
ignored the problem or told her to do the same. I think the group
would support you. You might also see if everyone will come to some
agreement that toys not meant to be shared should be left at home.
Nevertheless, {{{{{{{ }}}}}}
~Sue
[email protected]
-- "Sue Patterson" <Patterson5@...> wrote:
<<<At the least, I think I'd express my shock on the email list that
this woman called the police over the situation. It's not as if you
ignored the problem or told her to do the same. I think the group
would support you. You might also see if everyone will come to some
agreement that toys not meant to be shared should be left at home.
Dar
<<<At the least, I think I'd express my shock on the email list that
this woman called the police over the situation. It's not as if you
ignored the problem or told her to do the same. I think the group
would support you. You might also see if everyone will come to some
agreement that toys not meant to be shared should be left at home.
>>>Yup. Calling the cops was nuts. Post something to the list.
Dar
mamaaj2000
What about talking to someone else who was at the park the same day
first? I would be hesitant to send something out to a group without
knowing how others saw the situation first. Maybe there was something
that happened when you weren't looking that contributed to the
problem or maybe this woman has talked to other people already and
convinced them you guys are the problem. A lot more likely is that
you'll find out her kids had run ins with others and took their toys
and yet the other parents didn't call the police...
--aj
--- In [email protected], "freeform@j..."
<freeform@j...> wrote:
first? I would be hesitant to send something out to a group without
knowing how others saw the situation first. Maybe there was something
that happened when you weren't looking that contributed to the
problem or maybe this woman has talked to other people already and
convinced them you guys are the problem. A lot more likely is that
you'll find out her kids had run ins with others and took their toys
and yet the other parents didn't call the police...
--aj
--- In [email protected], "freeform@j..."
<freeform@j...> wrote:
>that
>
>
> -- "Sue Patterson" <Patterson5@m...> wrote:
> <<<At the least, I think I'd express my shock on the email list
> this woman called the police over the situation. It's not as if you
> ignored the problem or told her to do the same. I think the group
> would support you. You might also see if everyone will come to some
> agreement that toys not meant to be shared should be left at home.
> >>>
>
> Yup. Calling the cops was nuts. Post something to the list.
>
> Dar
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/28/2004 7:44:33 AM Central Standard Time,
mamaaj2000@... writes:
What about talking to someone else who was at the park the same day
first? I would be hesitant to send something out to a group without
knowing how others saw the situation first. Maybe there was something
that happened when you weren't looking that contributed to the
problem or maybe this woman has talked to other people already and
convinced them you guys are the problem. A lot more likely is that
you'll find out her kids had run ins with others and took their toys
and yet the other parents didn't call the police...
~~~
Yeah, I'm with that. Get someone else's take who was there and saw it.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mamaaj2000@... writes:
What about talking to someone else who was at the park the same day
first? I would be hesitant to send something out to a group without
knowing how others saw the situation first. Maybe there was something
that happened when you weren't looking that contributed to the
problem or maybe this woman has talked to other people already and
convinced them you guys are the problem. A lot more likely is that
you'll find out her kids had run ins with others and took their toys
and yet the other parents didn't call the police...
~~~
Yeah, I'm with that. Get someone else's take who was there and saw it.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/28/04 6:44:18 AM, mamaaj2000@... writes:
<< What about talking to someone else who was at the park the same day
first? I would be hesitant to send something out to a group without
knowing how others saw the situation first. >>
No matter what they saw, though, the woman left without trying to resolve and
she called the police. If accused family leaves and the accusing family
stays, someone will be next.
Sandra
<< What about talking to someone else who was at the park the same day
first? I would be hesitant to send something out to a group without
knowing how others saw the situation first. >>
No matter what they saw, though, the woman left without trying to resolve and
she called the police. If accused family leaves and the accusing family
stays, someone will be next.
Sandra
julie w
mfhickman@... wrote:
My first response to that would have been "WTF?"...I probably would have
blurted that out to the police.
That was just a bizzaro response to a parkday incident. It would forever
mark that mom as a wackjob in my mind and file all interaction with that
family under "something to be forever avoided" in my mind.
You NEED to let other people in the group know about this before they
also are on the receiving end of this gal's brand of conflict
resolution. I'd also suggest that kids who do not want to share need not
bring their toys to parkdays. You'd think this would be a forgone
conclusion but somepeople.......
Tuck had commented on a similar problem within our group years (has it
been that long?) ago.
At the time I thought the mom who's child (lets call him J, 10yrs) had
been wacked was completely within her rights to go off on the other mom
and child and yell how "If my children are not safe...." and stalk off.
In hindsight I can see a pattern of her kids never doing wrong and other
kids being on the receiving end of her wrath.
Yes, the child doing the whacking (lets call him A, 4yrs) was way outa
line and his mother had no idea how to give him freedom while still
making sure he understood boundaries and personal space issues. Yes, the
mother of the wacker did step up and effectively parent her kid. He
became a delightful child to be around and even my son, who had avoided
him, began to play with him once the little boy understood that Josh
ment it when he yelled "don't ever do that to me again".
BUT, as a group we should have addressed the problem before the blow-up.
No one wanted to the mother of A's feelings OR question how she was
raising her child.
Instead we all whispered about it and he was quite the scape-goat for
awhile.
I also feel it gave J's mother just a little too much feeling of power
(IMHO...and Tuck may not agree with me and more recent events could be
giving me a bias here and it was some our fault as J's mother was
someone we all SO admired and well, almost worshipped) over the children
and especially A. So much so that a latter incident involving one of J's
brothers and A filed J's family, in my son's mind, under "kids to never
play rough with because if they get hurt it will always be your fault
and never theirs and you will be publicly humiliated by their mom".
Josh avoids public humiliation.
The phone is your friend. The other mom's need to be sounded out and
made aware of the incident. It will help to say "yes my son did over
react with kicking, but since he now has a police record I think he's
been amply punished. Don't you?"
Sorry I just cannot get past that.....
Julie W (who avoids wackjobs) in AR
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>~gah~
> Well, the mom called the police who showed up at my door a few days
> later. She did not try to contact me after the incident. She told the
> police I was overprotective of my son and she wanted it documented
> that he battered her child.
My first response to that would have been "WTF?"...I probably would have
blurted that out to the police.
That was just a bizzaro response to a parkday incident. It would forever
mark that mom as a wackjob in my mind and file all interaction with that
family under "something to be forever avoided" in my mind.
You NEED to let other people in the group know about this before they
also are on the receiving end of this gal's brand of conflict
resolution. I'd also suggest that kids who do not want to share need not
bring their toys to parkdays. You'd think this would be a forgone
conclusion but somepeople.......
Tuck had commented on a similar problem within our group years (has it
been that long?) ago.
At the time I thought the mom who's child (lets call him J, 10yrs) had
been wacked was completely within her rights to go off on the other mom
and child and yell how "If my children are not safe...." and stalk off.
In hindsight I can see a pattern of her kids never doing wrong and other
kids being on the receiving end of her wrath.
Yes, the child doing the whacking (lets call him A, 4yrs) was way outa
line and his mother had no idea how to give him freedom while still
making sure he understood boundaries and personal space issues. Yes, the
mother of the wacker did step up and effectively parent her kid. He
became a delightful child to be around and even my son, who had avoided
him, began to play with him once the little boy understood that Josh
ment it when he yelled "don't ever do that to me again".
BUT, as a group we should have addressed the problem before the blow-up.
No one wanted to the mother of A's feelings OR question how she was
raising her child.
Instead we all whispered about it and he was quite the scape-goat for
awhile.
I also feel it gave J's mother just a little too much feeling of power
(IMHO...and Tuck may not agree with me and more recent events could be
giving me a bias here and it was some our fault as J's mother was
someone we all SO admired and well, almost worshipped) over the children
and especially A. So much so that a latter incident involving one of J's
brothers and A filed J's family, in my son's mind, under "kids to never
play rough with because if they get hurt it will always be your fault
and never theirs and you will be publicly humiliated by their mom".
Josh avoids public humiliation.
The phone is your friend. The other mom's need to be sounded out and
made aware of the incident. It will help to say "yes my son did over
react with kicking, but since he now has a police record I think he's
been amply punished. Don't you?"
Sorry I just cannot get past that.....
Julie W (who avoids wackjobs) in AR
>--
>
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Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.
Version: 7.0.298 / Virus Database: 265.6.6 - Release Date: 12/28/2004
[email protected]
One of the boys in a playgroup long ago and far away was molesting other
kids, lightly, finger and touching stuff. When I discovered he had touched Holly
(who was one year old and crawling) QUITE inappropriately (finger inside), he
was in another state with his family. No phone. Kirby was with them. I was
unthrilled.
In the three days while I waited for them to come back so I could talk to the
mom, I called other families in the co-op. Three of them had had trouble,
but hadn't mentioned it because they didn't want to cause problems.
Sometimes the problem is not mentioning the problem.
I know nobody wants to be the first to say "HEY, stop it," but the woman
called the police. That's not a maybe anymore. Marty had been there and
participated when the other boy "felt Holly's bones," and it wasn't a maybe at that
point.
There's more than one kind of safety, and not all parents are really together
and rational.
Sandra
kids, lightly, finger and touching stuff. When I discovered he had touched Holly
(who was one year old and crawling) QUITE inappropriately (finger inside), he
was in another state with his family. No phone. Kirby was with them. I was
unthrilled.
In the three days while I waited for them to come back so I could talk to the
mom, I called other families in the co-op. Three of them had had trouble,
but hadn't mentioned it because they didn't want to cause problems.
Sometimes the problem is not mentioning the problem.
I know nobody wants to be the first to say "HEY, stop it," but the woman
called the police. That's not a maybe anymore. Marty had been there and
participated when the other boy "felt Holly's bones," and it wasn't a maybe at that
point.
There's more than one kind of safety, and not all parents are really together
and rational.
Sandra