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Typical? Am I typical? Are you? Maybe. At least from the outside. But what does that have to do with anything? I am now at an age, 55, when my bad attitude about what others think I should be doing is in full bloom. Maybe your son will get here sooner. I hope so, for his sake and yours. Maybe he's already here and you just haven't caught up yet.

I suggest you find a better way to think about your son and where he's at. Is he happy? Is he involved in something that he is proud of, that he enjoys?

Then let him be while you sort yourself out. Get happy with his activities, whatever they are. Give him encouragement, space and privacy. Learn other words -- get rid of words like lazy and unmotivated. Look at him and figure out why you love him and beam that love at him. Be not only OK with whatever he's doing, be proud. Think of it from his point of view. Puzzle nights with the little kids and Mom and Dad? Really? That's not what older kids do. They play video games. They want to be left alone. They need their own room. Their own space. They need food. They need you to be available but not hovering, they may want to talk and explain what they are doing, they may not. When he pops out of his room needing some sort of gizmo for the computer, he needs that to be your priority for the day. He does not need to be grilled about what he is building. He does not need to pass some sort of test or give you a story to tell others by explaining the electronics to you. He is not your project to show off. Nor is it your job to worry about what anyone else thinks of him. You are there to protect him from prying questions, to come up with stock answers when the outside world insists on standardized ones, to be on his side. Even though you are not deciding what his side is.

The tide will not turn. It will continue to go out. He is growing to be his own person. He still loves you, he still needs you. He just doesn't need you to control what is going on in his brain. He needs you to start to learn to respect his choices about that. To support his choices. To applaud his choices, if only by grabbing the car keys and getting that gizmo. He needs you to talk to him like a regular person whose company you enjoy, not a child you are hoping gets over a phase.

Pretty soon, maybe a year or so from now, you will realize he is a neat kid, and then an interesting young man, who you can have a conversation with. Who doesn't do group puzzles but who does know video games inside and out, who can explain the politics of video game communities. Who doesn't read books but does read online and knows all about current events and has well-considered opinions about the issues of the day. Who keeps odd hours but gets up and cheerfully goes to work when there is work to do.

Like my son. Amazing guy that he is. I couldn't tell you one thing about the video games he plays, the stuff he builds. But his Dad needed him to go move some marble tops this morning at a job and they were off. No fuss, no attitude problems, just a smart, pleasant helping hand.

Treat your son well, as you would want to be treated. Watch him grow into a young man you can be proud of.

Nance


*Is this typical for the deschooling stage? Is it typical for his age and
gender? If so, when can I expect the tide to turn a bit? It's hard for me
to know since he's my only boy and my oldest child. (He's also my only
child with ADD.)
*

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Wishing you peace,
Gina Rodriguez