Friend asks for advice with neighbor child
Daria S
My friend asked for advice and so far the answers were:
1. a lady mentioning a neighborhood 'pest' where she used 'boundaries' and the kid eventually gave up.
2. a lady describing how fulfilling kids needs on demand will encourage 'manipulating' and that kids are manipulators by nature as early as possible 'trust me!!'
I want to see if I can find some words ideas for her of a different, child accepting nature. (She's a very compassionate young woman). She's not yet a parent and I immediately wondered what the wise ladies here have to say. Thank you ahead of time!
"Okay...I need some advice from all you kid lovers. We have neighbors across the street from Syria and we tutor (as in these days, helps him with his homework) their little boy everyday for 30 minutes and *try* to help him with his English. He's been having a very hard time and his homework is just piled on. My sister even went to his school to speak to his principal! His mum can't speak a word of English and his father is a cab driver at work all the time.
What i want to know is how to handle this particular situation...everyday after his homework he's been asking if he could watch a movie. I told him numerous times that when it's time to watch a movie we can call them over the weekend and have a movie night. But he keeps asking everyday so we gave in and last week gave him 15 minutes each day after homework and try to use that time to teach him the words.
Everyday he would come at odd hours, like right after I'd get home from work or after dark, etc. Finally I told him to come everyday at a particular time, no exceptions because we have things to do too and when he just drops in at random times like that it is very disruptive. Of course I didn't tell him that part lol. So for the past week he's been coming at the prospective time.
But on Friday we had to go out and he wanted to watch a movie. So again we allowed it for 15 minutes (which turned into 45) and he just didn't want to go home! Finally when we said he had to, he kept asking if he could borrow the movies, but they aren't mine so we had to spend *another* ten minutes telling him no. He said he'll come back saturday or sunday I said we won't be available for the weekend, and that we are here to help him with his homework and learn, not to watch T.V. with whenever he wants, and trust me this is not easy for me to do. I felt like a jerk.
Then...this morning he comes to the house to ask to watch a movie! I wasn't around, I had so much to do. My brother told him that he can watch some tomorrow when after his homework. He came back a half hour ago! Then I had to remind him again! This kid is persistent. I had a lot of work to do today, I just didn't have the time to look after the kid and entertain him...but I feel terrible. Should I have allowed him in and watch so that he knows he can have a safe and open place in us the way kids used to have in the old days, and possibly the way he had back in Syria? Or does this kid need to learn boundaries and not push his way around? I feel a bit confused here. he was actually my sister's project but she's in Europe now, and because she has some work demands that require her attention as well, we all picked up to help, especially me due to my teaching background. She told him as well as his parents, that he may come for 30 minutes a day, period. Now it's like an hour, an hour and a half. I love this little boy. He's very sweet and good natured. We're just not available all the time on a whim for him.
So sorry for the long post, everyone. I just really need some advice. Help! Thank you."
1. a lady mentioning a neighborhood 'pest' where she used 'boundaries' and the kid eventually gave up.
2. a lady describing how fulfilling kids needs on demand will encourage 'manipulating' and that kids are manipulators by nature as early as possible 'trust me!!'
I want to see if I can find some words ideas for her of a different, child accepting nature. (She's a very compassionate young woman). She's not yet a parent and I immediately wondered what the wise ladies here have to say. Thank you ahead of time!
"Okay...I need some advice from all you kid lovers. We have neighbors across the street from Syria and we tutor (as in these days, helps him with his homework) their little boy everyday for 30 minutes and *try* to help him with his English. He's been having a very hard time and his homework is just piled on. My sister even went to his school to speak to his principal! His mum can't speak a word of English and his father is a cab driver at work all the time.
What i want to know is how to handle this particular situation...everyday after his homework he's been asking if he could watch a movie. I told him numerous times that when it's time to watch a movie we can call them over the weekend and have a movie night. But he keeps asking everyday so we gave in and last week gave him 15 minutes each day after homework and try to use that time to teach him the words.
Everyday he would come at odd hours, like right after I'd get home from work or after dark, etc. Finally I told him to come everyday at a particular time, no exceptions because we have things to do too and when he just drops in at random times like that it is very disruptive. Of course I didn't tell him that part lol. So for the past week he's been coming at the prospective time.
But on Friday we had to go out and he wanted to watch a movie. So again we allowed it for 15 minutes (which turned into 45) and he just didn't want to go home! Finally when we said he had to, he kept asking if he could borrow the movies, but they aren't mine so we had to spend *another* ten minutes telling him no. He said he'll come back saturday or sunday I said we won't be available for the weekend, and that we are here to help him with his homework and learn, not to watch T.V. with whenever he wants, and trust me this is not easy for me to do. I felt like a jerk.
Then...this morning he comes to the house to ask to watch a movie! I wasn't around, I had so much to do. My brother told him that he can watch some tomorrow when after his homework. He came back a half hour ago! Then I had to remind him again! This kid is persistent. I had a lot of work to do today, I just didn't have the time to look after the kid and entertain him...but I feel terrible. Should I have allowed him in and watch so that he knows he can have a safe and open place in us the way kids used to have in the old days, and possibly the way he had back in Syria? Or does this kid need to learn boundaries and not push his way around? I feel a bit confused here. he was actually my sister's project but she's in Europe now, and because she has some work demands that require her attention as well, we all picked up to help, especially me due to my teaching background. She told him as well as his parents, that he may come for 30 minutes a day, period. Now it's like an hour, an hour and a half. I love this little boy. He's very sweet and good natured. We're just not available all the time on a whim for him.
So sorry for the long post, everyone. I just really need some advice. Help! Thank you."
Meredith
"Daria S" <daria_simionescu@...> wrote:
One of the main reasons kids appear manipulative is because adults give them mixed messages - so they get pushy trying to understand what's going on, why no this time when you said yes last time? But the answer to that isn't necessarily to have more rules, but for your reactions and responses to be predictable. From your description, you are giving very mixed messages indeed! You don't seem to have a very good sense of your own priorities and reasons.
Why can't he watch a movie? Seriously, why not? If it's that you're done with him and want him to go home, don't pussyfoot around, say "no, it's time for you to go". Say it sweetly, like the most genial hostess making sure a guest leaves on time for an appointment, not as a scold. He's not a family member, he doesn't live with you, you're not his nanny or foster parent.
Why 15 minutes? Why not a whole movie?
I'm not saying you Should let him stay an extra hour and half, I'm saying your reasoning is very fuzzy - so it's perfectly natural for another person to ask and ask and ask and try to make sense of things.
You must not have really wanted to go out, if you let him stay for nearly another hour. Whatever you had planned must have been less important than this kid. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but if it's true you need to be honest about it. If it's not true, then good grief! it's your house! send the kid home!
---Meredith
> 2. a lady describing how fulfilling kids needs on demand will encourage 'manipulating' and that kids are manipulators by nature as early as possible***************
One of the main reasons kids appear manipulative is because adults give them mixed messages - so they get pushy trying to understand what's going on, why no this time when you said yes last time? But the answer to that isn't necessarily to have more rules, but for your reactions and responses to be predictable. From your description, you are giving very mixed messages indeed! You don't seem to have a very good sense of your own priorities and reasons.
>>everyday after his homework he's been asking if he could watch a movie. I told him numerous times that when it's time to watch a movie we can call them over the weekend and have a movie night.*************
Why can't he watch a movie? Seriously, why not? If it's that you're done with him and want him to go home, don't pussyfoot around, say "no, it's time for you to go". Say it sweetly, like the most genial hostess making sure a guest leaves on time for an appointment, not as a scold. He's not a family member, he doesn't live with you, you're not his nanny or foster parent.
>>he keeps asking everyday so we gave in and last week gave him 15 minutes each day after homework******************
Why 15 minutes? Why not a whole movie?
I'm not saying you Should let him stay an extra hour and half, I'm saying your reasoning is very fuzzy - so it's perfectly natural for another person to ask and ask and ask and try to make sense of things.
> But on Friday we had to go out and he wanted to watch a movie. So again we allowed it for 15 minutes (which turned into 45) and he just didn't want to go home!***************
You must not have really wanted to go out, if you let him stay for nearly another hour. Whatever you had planned must have been less important than this kid. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but if it's true you need to be honest about it. If it's not true, then good grief! it's your house! send the kid home!
>> so we had to spend *another* ten minutes telling him no...It doesn't take ten minutes to say no. Stop twisting yourself up trying to explain. Decide to either spend a whole lot of time with this kid, or give him solid information (time to go) and stop confusing the poor guy.
---Meredith
Jen R
On Mon, Oct 8, 2012 at 9:11 AM, Daria S <daria_simionescu@...>wrote:
2nd language, movies and TV is where they have best absorbed our language.
To those of us that are native speakers of English, it seems strange, but
our language is pretty difficult to grasp with all of our rules,
pronunciations, idioms... it's a web of language!!
--
Jenny
Mom to DS (12), DD (10) DD (8)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> **I just want to point out that, from friends I've had where English is the
>
>
> "Okay...I need some advice from all you kid lovers. We have neighbors
> across the street from Syria and we tutor (as in these days, helps him with
> his homework) their little boy everyday for 30 minutes and *try* to help
> him with his English. He's been having a very hard time and his homework is
> just piled on. My sister even went to his school to speak to his principal!
> His mum can't speak a word of English and his father is a cab driver at
> work all the time.
>
> What i want to know is how to handle this particular situation...everyday
> after his homework he's been asking if he could watch a movie. I told him
> numerous times that when it's time to watch a movie we can call them over
> the weekend and have a movie night. But he keeps asking everyday so we gave
> in and last week gave him 15 minutes each day after homework and try to use
> that time to teach him the words.
>
>
2nd language, movies and TV is where they have best absorbed our language.
To those of us that are native speakers of English, it seems strange, but
our language is pretty difficult to grasp with all of our rules,
pronunciations, idioms... it's a web of language!!
--
Jenny
Mom to DS (12), DD (10) DD (8)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Jen R <chaoticrapture@...> wrote:
Movies and shows are a great help in learning any language. If language learning is the main issue, lending the kid movies to watch at home on a regular basis might be a good way for everyone to have their cake and eat it (as it were) - he wouldn't be hanging around just so he could watch a movie if he could do it at home.
I'm guessing - since he asked to borrow movies - that maybe the family has limited tv access? It could be beneficial to talk to the kid's parents and suggest they get a Netflix account. If they have good internet access, he could stream movies to his heart's content, but even if they don't he could have a new movie to watch every few days (more if they can afford it).
---Meredith
>> I just want to point out that, from friends I've had where English is the************
> 2nd language, movies and TV is where they have best absorbed our language.
Movies and shows are a great help in learning any language. If language learning is the main issue, lending the kid movies to watch at home on a regular basis might be a good way for everyone to have their cake and eat it (as it were) - he wouldn't be hanging around just so he could watch a movie if he could do it at home.
I'm guessing - since he asked to borrow movies - that maybe the family has limited tv access? It could be beneficial to talk to the kid's parents and suggest they get a Netflix account. If they have good internet access, he could stream movies to his heart's content, but even if they don't he could have a new movie to watch every few days (more if they can afford it).
---Meredith
lindaguitar
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
Since the mother doesn't speak any English, you probably can't speak to her about this. But you *could* type what you want to say into Google translate, and translate it to Arabic. Then print out both the English and Arabic versions and bring the printout to her.
That way you could "speak" to her about that fact that watching movies can be very helpful to children who are learning a new language, AND you can tell HER what your after-tutoring visiting hours are, and have HER help her son understand that you need to limit the amount of time he can hang out at your house. (I assuming that she's literate in her own language; if that's not the case, then this won't work.)
If you're lucky, they will have a computer and wifi at their house, and you and she can type to each other and translate with Google. (It takes some practice to be able to say what you want to in a way that is least likely to be mistranslated. You need to stick to the least complicated grammatical forms, use words that do not have multiple meanings, and be very literal. I use Google translate for Hebrew, Spanish, and Japanese. It works well when I phrase things carefully.)
As Meredith said, you do need to decide what your time limits for visiting really are, and stick to that firmly, if you really do need to limit the amount of time he's over at your house. How old is this boy? Is he old enough to tell time on a clock?
Linda
>To navinmouse:
> Movies and shows are a great help in learning any language. ... It
> could be beneficial to talk to the kid's parents and suggest they get
> a Netflix account. ....
Since the mother doesn't speak any English, you probably can't speak to her about this. But you *could* type what you want to say into Google translate, and translate it to Arabic. Then print out both the English and Arabic versions and bring the printout to her.
That way you could "speak" to her about that fact that watching movies can be very helpful to children who are learning a new language, AND you can tell HER what your after-tutoring visiting hours are, and have HER help her son understand that you need to limit the amount of time he can hang out at your house. (I assuming that she's literate in her own language; if that's not the case, then this won't work.)
If you're lucky, they will have a computer and wifi at their house, and you and she can type to each other and translate with Google. (It takes some practice to be able to say what you want to in a way that is least likely to be mistranslated. You need to stick to the least complicated grammatical forms, use words that do not have multiple meanings, and be very literal. I use Google translate for Hebrew, Spanish, and Japanese. It works well when I phrase things carefully.)
As Meredith said, you do need to decide what your time limits for visiting really are, and stick to that firmly, if you really do need to limit the amount of time he's over at your house. How old is this boy? Is he old enough to tell time on a clock?
Linda