Frustrated - yelled at kids.
messy_boys
I am so upset with myself right now. I have screamed at my kids more tonight than I have in a long time. I knew as I was doing it that I shouldn't...but I was so angry that I did anyway. If I had had a paddle, I would have used it on them. (I threw it away recently)
I don't know if I can do this. I want to relax my parenting and say yes more. I've been letting them stay up later and play xbox or watch tv...but when does mom get some down time? Tonight I was trying to watch one show on tv, and they were fighting and screaming and fighting and I just couldn't take it anymore!!! I just wanted them to be quiet!!! I ended up sticking everyone into bed angry.
Can a single mom of six do this? I've seen so many good things, particularly lately as I am trying to notice learning more. We spontaneously played a rhyming game yesterday. At first my 7 yo couldn't pick out words that rhymed, but by the end, it was easy for him. Today they built a volcano in the sand box. My 7 yo is digging up various plants all around the yard and making his own garden. All these things I see so much learning in and strewing possibilities...
So why am I so down? Why do I feel like a total loser who is never going to get this?
So frustrated with myself,
Kristie
PS - My 5 yo discovered the power of his middle finger. What do I do with that? I explained to him that it was not a nice thing to do and that it upsets people. Well that just tickled him even more...
I don't know if I can do this. I want to relax my parenting and say yes more. I've been letting them stay up later and play xbox or watch tv...but when does mom get some down time? Tonight I was trying to watch one show on tv, and they were fighting and screaming and fighting and I just couldn't take it anymore!!! I just wanted them to be quiet!!! I ended up sticking everyone into bed angry.
Can a single mom of six do this? I've seen so many good things, particularly lately as I am trying to notice learning more. We spontaneously played a rhyming game yesterday. At first my 7 yo couldn't pick out words that rhymed, but by the end, it was easy for him. Today they built a volcano in the sand box. My 7 yo is digging up various plants all around the yard and making his own garden. All these things I see so much learning in and strewing possibilities...
So why am I so down? Why do I feel like a total loser who is never going to get this?
So frustrated with myself,
Kristie
PS - My 5 yo discovered the power of his middle finger. What do I do with that? I explained to him that it was not a nice thing to do and that it upsets people. Well that just tickled him even more...
[email protected]
Can a single Mom of 6 do anything? Geesh, the whole idea is overwhelming to me. My hat is off to you! :)
I'm thinking it's not about the unschooling so much as having 6 kids. There are bound to be overwrought days. Tired evenings.
Cut yourself a break. Today is a new day. Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.
The middle finger reminds me of our 6-year-old nephew visiting last week. I'm in the kitchen and hear a loud noise, I holler, "What was that?" and hear my teen son explaining to the 6-year-old, "Just answer "Oh nothing" and she will leave us alone." Aren't older kids so helpful? :)
The novelty of the middle finger will wear off.
Hope you are having a nice cup of tea or something soothing this morning. :)
Nance
I'm thinking it's not about the unschooling so much as having 6 kids. There are bound to be overwrought days. Tired evenings.
Cut yourself a break. Today is a new day. Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.
The middle finger reminds me of our 6-year-old nephew visiting last week. I'm in the kitchen and hear a loud noise, I holler, "What was that?" and hear my teen son explaining to the 6-year-old, "Just answer "Oh nothing" and she will leave us alone." Aren't older kids so helpful? :)
The novelty of the middle finger will wear off.
Hope you are having a nice cup of tea or something soothing this morning. :)
Nance
--- In [email protected], "messy_boys" <messy_boys@...> wrote:
>
> I am so upset with myself right now. I have screamed at my kids more tonight than I have in a long time. I knew as I was doing it that I shouldn't...but I was so angry that I did anyway. If I had had a paddle, I would have used it on them. (I threw it away recently)
>
> I don't know if I can do this. I want to relax my parenting and say yes more. I've been letting them stay up later and play xbox or watch tv...but when does mom get some down time? Tonight I was trying to watch one show on tv, and they were fighting and screaming and fighting and I just couldn't take it anymore!!! I just wanted them to be quiet!!! I ended up sticking everyone into bed angry.
>
> Can a single mom of six do this? I've seen so many good things, particularly lately as I am trying to notice learning more. We spontaneously played a rhyming game yesterday. At first my 7 yo couldn't pick out words that rhymed, but by the end, it was easy for him. Today they built a volcano in the sand box. My 7 yo is digging up various plants all around the yard and making his own garden. All these things I see so much learning in and strewing possibilities...
>
> So why am I so down? Why do I feel like a total loser who is never going to get this?
>
> So frustrated with myself,
> Kristie
>
> PS - My 5 yo discovered the power of his middle finger. What do I do with that? I explained to him that it was not a nice thing to do and that it upsets people. Well that just tickled him even more...
>
CarenKH
=-=Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.=-=
That seems like a surefire way to more frustration. You really can't tell a 2-year-old there are times you're not available. Setting the kids up to be responsible for the mom getting her needs met is backwards, and puts pressure on them they don't need.
I'm recovering from surgery, so not able to look through the archives, but Schuyler has written a lot about, in those moments, moving toward your kids rather than away from them, doing something sweet *for them*. it seems counter-intuitive, but that has worked SO WELL for me in those moments where I feel like I *must* have a few minutes. It brings peace and closeness and appreciation for what's right here in front of me.
She's also written about finding moments rather than long stretches of time - those few seconds to breathe in the aroma of your tea, or to appreciate the view from your window. Really being present to the moments that are sprinkled throughout your day. They're there! And you can become adept at recognizing them, and getting filled up from a moment.
Please search for the archives to find those, or if someone has them collected, please post them here. They changed my life, our lives.
Your kids' needs didn't diminish because you're now single. They won't magically need less of you, or be more capable of being generous, just because that would be more convenient or easy for you. With unschooling, I made the choice to prioritize my kids' needs. That can sound Stepford Wife-ish and like martyring myself, but it's nothing like that. It means I've found new and different ways of seeing what my needs are about, and ways and times to get them met.
Can you record your show, or is it available online?
Oops, my energy ran out! I'm sure others will chime in, with creative ways of seeing things.
peace,
Caren
That seems like a surefire way to more frustration. You really can't tell a 2-year-old there are times you're not available. Setting the kids up to be responsible for the mom getting her needs met is backwards, and puts pressure on them they don't need.
I'm recovering from surgery, so not able to look through the archives, but Schuyler has written a lot about, in those moments, moving toward your kids rather than away from them, doing something sweet *for them*. it seems counter-intuitive, but that has worked SO WELL for me in those moments where I feel like I *must* have a few minutes. It brings peace and closeness and appreciation for what's right here in front of me.
She's also written about finding moments rather than long stretches of time - those few seconds to breathe in the aroma of your tea, or to appreciate the view from your window. Really being present to the moments that are sprinkled throughout your day. They're there! And you can become adept at recognizing them, and getting filled up from a moment.
Please search for the archives to find those, or if someone has them collected, please post them here. They changed my life, our lives.
Your kids' needs didn't diminish because you're now single. They won't magically need less of you, or be more capable of being generous, just because that would be more convenient or easy for you. With unschooling, I made the choice to prioritize my kids' needs. That can sound Stepford Wife-ish and like martyring myself, but it's nothing like that. It means I've found new and different ways of seeing what my needs are about, and ways and times to get them met.
Can you record your show, or is it available online?
Oops, my energy ran out! I'm sure others will chime in, with creative ways of seeing things.
peace,
Caren
>
--- In [email protected], "marbleface@..." <marbleface@...> wrote:
>
> Can a single Mom of 6 do anything? Geesh, the whole idea is overwhelming to me. My hat is off to you! :)
>
> I'm thinking it's not about the unschooling so much as having 6 kids. There are bound to be overwrought days. Tired evenings.
>
> Cut yourself a break. Today is a new day. Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.
>
> The middle finger reminds me of our 6-year-old nephew visiting last week. I'm in the kitchen and hear a loud noise, I holler, "What was that?" and hear my teen son explaining to the 6-year-old, "Just answer "Oh nothing" and she will leave us alone." Aren't older kids so helpful? :)
>
> The novelty of the middle finger will wear off.
>
> Hope you are having a nice cup of tea or something soothing this morning. :)
>
> Nance
>
>
> --- In [email protected], "messy_boys" <messy_boys@> wrote:
> >
> > I am so upset with myself right now. I have screamed at my kids more tonight than I have in a long time. I knew as I was doing it that I shouldn't...but I was so angry that I did anyway. If I had had a paddle, I would have used it on them. (I threw it away recently)
> >
> > I don't know if I can do this. I want to relax my parenting and say yes more. I've been letting them stay up later and play xbox or watch tv...but when does mom get some down time? Tonight I was trying to watch one show on tv, and they were fighting and screaming and fighting and I just couldn't take it anymore!!! I just wanted them to be quiet!!! I ended up sticking everyone into bed angry.
> >
> > Can a single mom of six do this? I've seen so many good things, particularly lately as I am trying to notice learning more. We spontaneously played a rhyming game yesterday. At first my 7 yo couldn't pick out words that rhymed, but by the end, it was easy for him. Today they built a volcano in the sand box. My 7 yo is digging up various plants all around the yard and making his own garden. All these things I see so much learning in and strewing possibilities...
> >
> > So why am I so down? Why do I feel like a total loser who is never going to get this?
> >
> > So frustrated with myself,
> > Kristie
> >
> > PS - My 5 yo discovered the power of his middle finger. What do I do with that? I explained to him that it was not a nice thing to do and that it upsets people. Well that just tickled him even more...
> >
>
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 16, 2012, at 9:46 AM, CarenKH wrote:
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Please search for the archives to find those, or if someone has them collected, please post them here. They changed my life, our lives.Caren, if you come across them, you might want to send them to Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> so she can give them a place for people to find them. You might want to include your post too as an intro :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lyla Wolfenstein
i found this one, from meredith...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/message/43793
lyla
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/message/43793
lyla
On Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 6:46 AM, CarenKH <carenkh@...> wrote:
> **
>
>
> She's also written about finding moments rather than long stretches of
> time - those few seconds to breathe in the aroma of your tea, or to
> appreciate the view from your window. Really being present to the moments
> that are sprinkled throughout your day. They're there! And you can become
> adept at recognizing them, and getting filled up from a moment.
>
> Please search for the archives to find those, or if someone has them
> collected, please post them here. They changed my life, our lives.
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lyla Wolfenstein
and found this one too...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/message/46002
Schuyler has written a lot about, in those moments, moving toward your kids
rather than away from them, doing something sweet *for them*. it seems
counter-intuitive, but that has worked SO WELL for me in those moments
where I feel like I *must* have a few minutes. It brings peace and
closeness and appreciation for what's right here in front of me.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/message/46002
Schuyler has written a lot about, in those moments, moving toward your kids
rather than away from them, doing something sweet *for them*. it seems
counter-intuitive, but that has worked SO WELL for me in those moments
where I feel like I *must* have a few minutes. It brings peace and
closeness and appreciation for what's right here in front of me.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
http://sandradodd.com/bonding%c2%a0 may be along the lines of what Caren was thinking about. I know I write about it frequently. I'm glad that she likes it. I'm glad that it helps. It helps me to remember that being present, being with Simon and Linnaea is a pleasure, is a good and sweet and wonderful thing.
I can remember to the moment when I first made a real choice to turn away from ideas of me time and turned toward Simon and Linnaea. We were playing a game and I was thinking about doing the dishes and making food and something else. I wasn't really there. I was worried about other things. And I stopped, and I shut up the list in my head and I played the game. I paid attention to all the details I could in that moment. Linnaea and her scattered and wild hair and the way that Simon talks and the feel of the painted concrete floor that was our living room on my legs. It was just a moment. But it was a moment of being really present. And it was relaxing and engaging in a way that my lists of what to do next playing through my head never are. That kind of being present is a skill, a muscle and it needs to be worked and worked again to get it to happen without so much effort each time. But when you get it going, when you start paying attention to what is in
front of you, it is really pretty incredible.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: CarenKH <carenkh@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 16 August 2012, 23:46
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Frustrated - yelled at kids.
=-=Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.=-=
That seems like a surefire way to more frustration. You really can't tell a 2-year-old there are times you're not available. Setting the kids up to be responsible for the mom getting her needs met is backwards, and puts pressure on them they don't need.
I'm recovering from surgery, so not able to look through the archives, but Schuyler has written a lot about, in those moments, moving toward your kids rather than away from them, doing something sweet *for them*. it seems counter-intuitive, but that has worked SO WELL for me in those moments where I feel like I *must* have a few minutes. It brings peace and closeness and appreciation for what's right here in front of me.
She's also written about finding moments rather than long stretches of time - those few seconds to breathe in the aroma of your tea, or to appreciate the view from your window. Really being present to the moments that are sprinkled throughout your day. They're there! And you can become adept at recognizing them, and getting filled up from a moment.
Please search for the archives to find those, or if someone has them collected, please post them here. They changed my life, our lives.
Your kids' needs didn't diminish because you're now single. They won't magically need less of you, or be more capable of being generous, just because that would be more convenient or easy for you. With unschooling, I made the choice to prioritize my kids' needs. That can sound Stepford Wife-ish and like martyring myself, but it's nothing like that. It means I've found new and different ways of seeing what my needs are about, and ways and times to get them met.
Can you record your show, or is it available online?
Oops, my energy ran out! I'm sure others will chime in, with creative ways of seeing things.
peace,
Caren
I can remember to the moment when I first made a real choice to turn away from ideas of me time and turned toward Simon and Linnaea. We were playing a game and I was thinking about doing the dishes and making food and something else. I wasn't really there. I was worried about other things. And I stopped, and I shut up the list in my head and I played the game. I paid attention to all the details I could in that moment. Linnaea and her scattered and wild hair and the way that Simon talks and the feel of the painted concrete floor that was our living room on my legs. It was just a moment. But it was a moment of being really present. And it was relaxing and engaging in a way that my lists of what to do next playing through my head never are. That kind of being present is a skill, a muscle and it needs to be worked and worked again to get it to happen without so much effort each time. But when you get it going, when you start paying attention to what is in
front of you, it is really pretty incredible.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: CarenKH <carenkh@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 16 August 2012, 23:46
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Frustrated - yelled at kids.
=-=Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.=-=
That seems like a surefire way to more frustration. You really can't tell a 2-year-old there are times you're not available. Setting the kids up to be responsible for the mom getting her needs met is backwards, and puts pressure on them they don't need.
I'm recovering from surgery, so not able to look through the archives, but Schuyler has written a lot about, in those moments, moving toward your kids rather than away from them, doing something sweet *for them*. it seems counter-intuitive, but that has worked SO WELL for me in those moments where I feel like I *must* have a few minutes. It brings peace and closeness and appreciation for what's right here in front of me.
She's also written about finding moments rather than long stretches of time - those few seconds to breathe in the aroma of your tea, or to appreciate the view from your window. Really being present to the moments that are sprinkled throughout your day. They're there! And you can become adept at recognizing them, and getting filled up from a moment.
Please search for the archives to find those, or if someone has them collected, please post them here. They changed my life, our lives.
Your kids' needs didn't diminish because you're now single. They won't magically need less of you, or be more capable of being generous, just because that would be more convenient or easy for you. With unschooling, I made the choice to prioritize my kids' needs. That can sound Stepford Wife-ish and like martyring myself, but it's nothing like that. It means I've found new and different ways of seeing what my needs are about, and ways and times to get them met.
Can you record your show, or is it available online?
Oops, my energy ran out! I'm sure others will chime in, with creative ways of seeing things.
peace,
Caren
>
--- In [email protected], "marbleface@..." <marbleface@...> wrote:
>
> Can a single Mom of 6 do anything? Geesh, the whole idea is overwhelming to me. My hat is off to you! :)
>
> I'm thinking it's not about the unschooling so much as having 6 kids. There are bound to be overwrought days. Tired evenings.
>
> Cut yourself a break. Today is a new day. Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.
>
> The middle finger reminds me of our 6-year-old nephew visiting last week. I'm in the kitchen and hear a loud noise, I holler, "What was that?" and hear my teen son explaining to the 6-year-old, "Just answer "Oh nothing" and she will leave us alone." Aren't older kids so helpful? :)
>
> The novelty of the middle finger will wear off.
>
> Hope you are having a nice cup of tea or something soothing this morning. :)
>
> Nance
>
>
> --- In [email protected], "messy_boys" <messy_boys@> wrote:
> >
> > I am so upset with myself right now. I have screamed at my kids more tonight than I have in a long time. I knew as I was doing it that I shouldn't...but I was so angry that I did anyway. If I had had a paddle, I would have used it on them. (I threw it away recently)
> >
> > I don't know if I can do this. I want to relax my parenting and say yes more. I've been letting them stay up later and play xbox or watch tv...but when does mom get some down time? Tonight I was trying to watch one show on tv, and they were fighting and screaming and fighting and I just couldn't take it anymore!!! I just wanted them to be quiet!!! I ended up sticking everyone into bed angry.
> >
> > Can a single mom of six do this? I've seen so many good things, particularly lately as I am trying to notice learning more. We spontaneously played a rhyming game yesterday. At first my 7 yo couldn't pick out words that rhymed, but by the end, it was easy for him. Today they built a volcano in the sand box. My 7 yo is digging up various plants all around the yard and making his own garden. All these things I see so much learning in and strewing possibilities...
> >
> > So why am I so down? Why do I feel like a total loser who is never going to get this?
> >
> > So frustrated with myself,
> > Kristie
> >
> > PS - My 5 yo discovered the power of his middle finger. What do I do with that? I explained to him that it was not a nice thing to do and that it upsets people. Well that just tickled him even more...
> >
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Katherine
I only have three children, but I too have had many nights like this. And they happen when I am completely tapped out, when I'm out of balance. With all due respect to those that have responded already, the very last thing that I need in times like that is more time with my children. I am a proud and unabashed long time homeschooler (though new to unschooling) and attachment parent, but I absolutely need time to myself to stay balanced and sane. A few weeks ago, I was feeling totally out of whack, was yelling like you say you were. I told my husband I was going to take a walk - and I walked to the creek by our house and then sat - meditating, being in the quiet, beautiful nature - by myself for an hour. And I felt SO amazingly good. It quickly brought me back to center where I need to be to be the best mother I can be. I also have a mothers helper that comes in a few hours once a week or so - and I use that time to sleep, or read, or play on the computer, or walk, or whatever I want. For me.
As a mom, I'm an important part of the equation.. my needs are important too.
I do get and understand that there are many times in parenting where we don't think we can do it (like handling night waking babies, or children that won't nap, or children that don't want to go to bed at night) - and then, with time, with understanding, with just getting more relaxed at life - we realize we can. However, 9 years into parenting, I still find in my own life that there are times when to maintain my center, I MUST have time for me.
So I want you to know that you're not alone, and that if you can find time for yourself by finding a mother's helper (know any youngsters or have any family that can help for a few hours?) - it sounds like you could use a break.
Hang in there mama and please be gentle with yourself.
- Katherine Havener
As a mom, I'm an important part of the equation.. my needs are important too.
I do get and understand that there are many times in parenting where we don't think we can do it (like handling night waking babies, or children that won't nap, or children that don't want to go to bed at night) - and then, with time, with understanding, with just getting more relaxed at life - we realize we can. However, 9 years into parenting, I still find in my own life that there are times when to maintain my center, I MUST have time for me.
So I want you to know that you're not alone, and that if you can find time for yourself by finding a mother's helper (know any youngsters or have any family that can help for a few hours?) - it sounds like you could use a break.
Hang in there mama and please be gentle with yourself.
- Katherine Havener
Lesley Cross
Just going to jump in here because I don't think this is an either/or thing. Taking 15 minutes, or even an hour, or a day, away from our children is certainly not in most cases "meeting our needs at their expense"- particularly with older children (though I could certainly see the argument in the case of infants and toddlers who are much more dependent on us....but even then, they generally nap at some point). Walking away if you're about to dump your feelings all over your kids I think is a preferable solution to actually dumping on them.....especially if you can make it clear that you're doing so because you're taking responsibility for your own feelings. We can make sure their needs are met AND meet our own needs, which for some parents definitely involves time apart (introverts and empaths in particular)...and I think often becomes more needed for these parents AFTER children leave babyhood. This is so much easier when there is a partner involved to be present with the children when mom is not .... but there are alternatives that don't come down to someone's needs getting met and someone else's not. Digging in and moving deeper into the connection IS a great thing. And it can be particularly useful in those moments when you're ready to yell, or run away, or just use control....unless you just can't get yourself there. Then again, it's probably better done BEFORE any of those things occurs.
I think it's also important, if you are someone who does need time away, to find ways to meet that need proactively....to not be waiting until you hit that breaking point. To not be blaming your children for the fact that you're someone who thrives on time alone (or with cognitive and intellectual peers, for the extrovert). Be aware of your needs, meet them before they become so desperate that you can't function. Yes, multiple children and single parenting make this more difficult- but you can't give what you don't have. The hardest thing is when a parent allows herself to become so tapped out that almost nothing seems to fill the well. When you're in that position, its important to remember that it's a slow recovery process....and again, skills like digging in deeper, being present in the moment, feeling your feelings without beating up on yourself for having them, are so necessary. At least in my experience.
This is such a case by case thing, dependent on the parents and the children involved....none of us is exactly the same.
Lesley
http://euphorialifedesignstudio.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I think it's also important, if you are someone who does need time away, to find ways to meet that need proactively....to not be waiting until you hit that breaking point. To not be blaming your children for the fact that you're someone who thrives on time alone (or with cognitive and intellectual peers, for the extrovert). Be aware of your needs, meet them before they become so desperate that you can't function. Yes, multiple children and single parenting make this more difficult- but you can't give what you don't have. The hardest thing is when a parent allows herself to become so tapped out that almost nothing seems to fill the well. When you're in that position, its important to remember that it's a slow recovery process....and again, skills like digging in deeper, being present in the moment, feeling your feelings without beating up on yourself for having them, are so necessary. At least in my experience.
This is such a case by case thing, dependent on the parents and the children involved....none of us is exactly the same.
Lesley
http://euphorialifedesignstudio.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
When your children are young, and the original poster's has 6 children with the youngest 2 years old, learning how to be contented, to be happy, to get joy from being with them is pretty pivotal. I understand that moments away have value. But I learned, to my advantage, that the more I held on for time away, for an hour, just an hour, to myself, the less I enjoyed my moments with Simon and Linnaea. I also found that it rarely recharged me enough to feel better when I came back. I kept wanting more time away. It was so much more refreshing, so much more fulfilling when I figured out how to enjoy being with them and how to relax in the moments, the little moments when I could sit and breathe, even with Simon or Linnaea sitting on my lap, even when playing with dolls or stuffed animals or lego or b'daman.
I think if you can figure out how to bring someone in, how to get an hour away it can be helpful, but it won't fix it. It won't hold, it won't last. Figuring out how, when you have 6 children and the youngest is still a toddler, to enjoy the moments of being with them will fix so much more.
In the post that Lyla linked (the whole thing is attached below) Meredith wrote this:
do, that loving your children Right Now, not just in the abstract, is something
you really want to do.<<
That's the kind of voice I try to add in any moment when I'm frustrated. Knowing people who are dying or have died, knowing people whose children have died, I could use them, their stories in that moment of frustration to make me glad for this moment with my child. This chosen moment with Simon or with Linnaea. It may seem unfair to throw up someone's death in the path of parenting, but it gave me a perspective, a joy in getting this moment that those people no longer have an option to have, that made it easier to turn toward Simon and Linnaea than to continue to resent them.
Schuyler
your perspective before you start seething. It can help to think that you're
really only changing your perspective Now, tonight. Its not all and forever,
just right now, a small step. That can help that step not feel overwhelming.
broken down into bits and done piecemeal during the day. When Mo was 2, and on
the go alllll the time, I'd have something handy at all times. There would be
long minutes where I didn't need to keep both eyes on her every second, and I
could read a little, or knit a little. At first I thought I'd never get anything
read or done - like I couldn't possibly figure out how to concentrate in that
weird, different way, with one eye on my kid. Its a skill! So there's a learning
curve and it takes practice.
I recently watched an interview with Madeline L'Engle, where she talked about
writing "A Wrinkle in Time". She said she had two young children at home, so
she'd write a sentence or two when she got a free moment. You can do amazing
things in a moment or two at a time, but you won't do them if you spend them
wishing you had a whole hour ;)
Something else that helped be, when I'd start to get antsy or resentful, was to
remind myself to savor those moments. It sounds trite, but its easy to get
wrapped up in the Hassle of parenting and forget that its something you want to
do, that loving your children Right Now, not just in the abstract, is something
you really want to do.
I knew how to spend hours all wrapped up in my own projects, not moments. I
kicked and screamed, mentally. I wanted my life, my brain back. Once I started
stepping away from the expectation that I could have lots of time "to myself" I
found I had more little moments available, I found ways to use those little
moments to recharge - a deep breath, a scribbled note about an idea, a good look
at the sky, that might be all I had time for, so I got in the habit of relishing
those as much and as hard as I'd savor my kids. It took practice. I didn't start
out all zen-like and mellow - mellow isn't really something I do well at all,
and I'm more zen-like in my sense of irony than anything else, but I got a whole
lot better at appreciating little things, and moments, and ultimately
appreciating myself, too.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I think if you can figure out how to bring someone in, how to get an hour away it can be helpful, but it won't fix it. It won't hold, it won't last. Figuring out how, when you have 6 children and the youngest is still a toddler, to enjoy the moments of being with them will fix so much more.
In the post that Lyla linked (the whole thing is attached below) Meredith wrote this:
>>Something else that helped be, when I'd start to get antsy or resentful, was toremind myself to savor those moments. It sounds trite, but its easy to getwrapped up in the Hassle of parenting and forget that its something you want to
do, that loving your children Right Now, not just in the abstract, is something
you really want to do.<<
That's the kind of voice I try to add in any moment when I'm frustrated. Knowing people who are dying or have died, knowing people whose children have died, I could use them, their stories in that moment of frustration to make me glad for this moment with my child. This chosen moment with Simon or with Linnaea. It may seem unfair to throw up someone's death in the path of parenting, but it gave me a perspective, a joy in getting this moment that those people no longer have an option to have, that made it easier to turn toward Simon and Linnaea than to continue to resent them.
Schuyler
>If they're not tired, I persevere until I begin to seethe<That's a place to start, seeing that they're not tired and working on shifting
your perspective before you start seething. It can help to think that you're
really only changing your perspective Now, tonight. Its not all and forever,
just right now, a small step. That can help that step not feel overwhelming.
>I don'tTo some extent, this depends on what you are wanting to do. Somethings can be
> want to play games in the evening as well as the day. I want to do things
> which can't be done with a curious 2 year old around (without saying no to
> him all the time).
broken down into bits and done piecemeal during the day. When Mo was 2, and on
the go alllll the time, I'd have something handy at all times. There would be
long minutes where I didn't need to keep both eyes on her every second, and I
could read a little, or knit a little. At first I thought I'd never get anything
read or done - like I couldn't possibly figure out how to concentrate in that
weird, different way, with one eye on my kid. Its a skill! So there's a learning
curve and it takes practice.
I recently watched an interview with Madeline L'Engle, where she talked about
writing "A Wrinkle in Time". She said she had two young children at home, so
she'd write a sentence or two when she got a free moment. You can do amazing
things in a moment or two at a time, but you won't do them if you spend them
wishing you had a whole hour ;)
Something else that helped be, when I'd start to get antsy or resentful, was to
remind myself to savor those moments. It sounds trite, but its easy to get
wrapped up in the Hassle of parenting and forget that its something you want to
do, that loving your children Right Now, not just in the abstract, is something
you really want to do.
> What I really need support with is that I am totally NOT in the zone ofIt wasn't natural to me! It was excruciating at first. I didn't have the skills.
> having my kids with me all evening as well as all day. I feel this must
> just be natural to some people.
I knew how to spend hours all wrapped up in my own projects, not moments. I
kicked and screamed, mentally. I wanted my life, my brain back. Once I started
stepping away from the expectation that I could have lots of time "to myself" I
found I had more little moments available, I found ways to use those little
moments to recharge - a deep breath, a scribbled note about an idea, a good look
at the sky, that might be all I had time for, so I got in the habit of relishing
those as much and as hard as I'd savor my kids. It took practice. I didn't start
out all zen-like and mellow - mellow isn't really something I do well at all,
and I'm more zen-like in my sense of irony than anything else, but I got a whole
lot better at appreciating little things, and moments, and ultimately
appreciating myself, too.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 17, 2012, at 12:24 AM, Lesley Cross wrote:
If the goal is for the child to know his mom is his partner, a mom wants the child to feel that as little as possible. To do that, the more she's aware of the child's perception of her actions, the better she can find other solutions that don't get perceived wrongly.
Kids are forgiving. (Not because they're noble! They need to be because they're depending on their parents.) If 99% of the time they experience mom as their partner in getting their needs met, the 1% when mom fails won't have a lasting impact. The greater that second percentage grows, though, -- 5%, 10% it depends on the child -- the less they'll trust. The more it feels like mom isn't even trying to meet the child's needs, those will count for more.
By the time kids reach puberty, certainly, they'll be able to understand other people have needs too. But if they reach puberty experiencing that the way to meet needs is by ignoring someone else's, that's how they'll treat others.
In an emergency, mom needs to do what will fix the situation, regardless of how the child perceives it. You snatch the kid from in front of a speeding vehicle even if the kid gets scared.
But best not to live life as though it's always an emergency. Expecting to make time for one's self if someone has 6 kids that include toddlers and no partner is an unreasonable expectation. That expectation will lead to frustration. It's much better to find other approaches. Switching gears from needing alone time to refuel to being able to refuel by being even more present with the kids is a much more practical solution.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Taking 15 minutes, or even an hour, or a day, away fromWhether it is or isn't depends on the child's perception of it. If the child feels they're being shoved aside for something that's more important than they are, then it's no different to the child than if mom did so intentionally.
> our children is certainly not in most cases "meeting our needs at their expense"
If the goal is for the child to know his mom is his partner, a mom wants the child to feel that as little as possible. To do that, the more she's aware of the child's perception of her actions, the better she can find other solutions that don't get perceived wrongly.
Kids are forgiving. (Not because they're noble! They need to be because they're depending on their parents.) If 99% of the time they experience mom as their partner in getting their needs met, the 1% when mom fails won't have a lasting impact. The greater that second percentage grows, though, -- 5%, 10% it depends on the child -- the less they'll trust. The more it feels like mom isn't even trying to meet the child's needs, those will count for more.
By the time kids reach puberty, certainly, they'll be able to understand other people have needs too. But if they reach puberty experiencing that the way to meet needs is by ignoring someone else's, that's how they'll treat others.
In an emergency, mom needs to do what will fix the situation, regardless of how the child perceives it. You snatch the kid from in front of a speeding vehicle even if the kid gets scared.
But best not to live life as though it's always an emergency. Expecting to make time for one's self if someone has 6 kids that include toddlers and no partner is an unreasonable expectation. That expectation will lead to frustration. It's much better to find other approaches. Switching gears from needing alone time to refuel to being able to refuel by being even more present with the kids is a much more practical solution.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
=-=Maybe figure out a way, if you can, to tell the kids you need 15 minutes to sit quietly sometimes. And do it.=-=
That seems like a surefire way to more frustration. You really can't tell a 2-year-old there are times you're not available. Setting the kids up to be responsible for the mom getting her needs met is backwards, and puts pressure on them they don't need.
****************
So you have a 2-year-old and five other kids. . . hmmm. . . and you want a small break. I don't think figuring out a way to do this needs to involve informing the 2-year-old that you're not available. The 2-year-old is napping or already in bed and the other kids are up? The 2-year-old is happily playing for a few minutes with the other kids? If you look for those moments and the other kids are old enough to understand (are they?), you might be able to put your feet up, guilt free, for a small amount of time. Time to read a headline or have a cuppa or just relax. Maybe not enough time get in a whole uninterrupted TV show but something.
The guilt-free part is big, imo.
Nance
That seems like a surefire way to more frustration. You really can't tell a 2-year-old there are times you're not available. Setting the kids up to be responsible for the mom getting her needs met is backwards, and puts pressure on them they don't need.
****************
So you have a 2-year-old and five other kids. . . hmmm. . . and you want a small break. I don't think figuring out a way to do this needs to involve informing the 2-year-old that you're not available. The 2-year-old is napping or already in bed and the other kids are up? The 2-year-old is happily playing for a few minutes with the other kids? If you look for those moments and the other kids are old enough to understand (are they?), you might be able to put your feet up, guilt free, for a small amount of time. Time to read a headline or have a cuppa or just relax. Maybe not enough time get in a whole uninterrupted TV show but something.
The guilt-free part is big, imo.
Nance
Meredith
"marbleface@..." <marbleface@...> wrote:
---Meredith
>> The guilt-free part is big, imo.As important are the stories we tell ourselves. When I would be wrapped up thinking "darnit, I'm an introvert, I Need Time Alone" it was harder for me to appreciate the little dribs and drabs of time I'd get - barely enough to take a deep breath, with Ray. When I could shift my thinking to savor the moments I had, then I had time to breathe! time to relax and look around and enjoy the moment. They were still the same moments, the same time-it-took-to-take-a-deep breath, but the way I thought about those moments made an enormous difference.
---Meredith
Joyce Fetteroll
On Aug 17, 2012, at 10:17 AM, marbleface@... wrote:
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> you might be able to put your feet up, guilt free, for a small amount of time.And do so without expecting to have a long sit. Expect it to only be a single moment. Savor that moment. Then each extra moment is a gift. :-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
I see what you have said. And not everyone can find what they need in a fleeting moment. Some Moms may need a bit more and they shouldn't feel bad about that. The last thing this Mom or any Mom needs is a load of guilt on top of trying to find some rest.
These things are a work in progress -- Mom and kids changing as you go, some days easier than others. Perhaps just being more aware of her need to have breaks will help the Mom find them during the course of a day.
Nance
These things are a work in progress -- Mom and kids changing as you go, some days easier than others. Perhaps just being more aware of her need to have breaks will help the Mom find them during the course of a day.
Nance
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Aug 17, 2012, at 10:17 AM, marbleface@... wrote:
>
> > you might be able to put your feet up, guilt free, for a small amount of time.
>
> And do so without expecting to have a long sit. Expect it to only be a single moment. Savor that moment. Then each extra moment is a gift. :-)
>
> Joyce
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>