cathymorgan25

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice from trusted and respected people on this group that have older children. A brief background of our family: 10 dd, 11ds & 13dd have been living a great unschooling life for two years. The kids went to school until grades 2, 3 & 5. Prior to that I had a dayhome and our kids were at home with me until they started school. We had a wonderful connection with each other as a family and I definitely noticed that school chipped away at our family foundation. It was very hard to maintain that connection while they were at school but we managed to stay tight. Now that they have been out of school we have grown very close again.
Here's my question regarding our 13 yr old daughter, is part of dd "growing up" not needing her mom so much? Or am I being overly sensitive? I feel like she doesn't need me as much as she used to. She seems very short on patience with me and got upset at me a few days back and said she just wants to be her own person. I really feel like she is pushing me away. I just keep getting the usual "she's a teenager" advice from my friends and family which is just rubish! I would love to hear your thoughts on this, thanks...Cathy

plaidpanties666

"cathymorgan25" <cathymorgan25@...> wrote:
>> Here's my question regarding our 13 yr old daughter, is part of dd "growing up" not needing her mom so much?
***************

Yes! And that's a Good thing. You know all those people who say if you coddle your child they'll never want to leave home? Tada! They're wrong ;)

Your daughter has been learning to trust her own ideas and judgement, to trust her own sense of right and wrong. Now she's wanting to stretch a little and make some decisions without bouncing them off you first - and that's how she'll refine her thoughtfulness and decision making. Now your job shifts from being the one who helps her think about things beforehand and figure things out, to being her backup plan. It's Scary for parents! But it *is* a good thing - she's ready to trust her own judgement on her own terms, that's fantastic.

>>She seems very short on patience with me and got upset at me a few days back and said she just wants to be her own person. I really feel like she is pushing me away.
***************

If you can stay out of her way, she won't need to push ;) What sorts of things are you doing that create push-back? Are you giving too much advice and information? Bite your tongue a little. Offer affection without suggestions or commentary. If you're not sure, ask your daughter what you do that drives her up the wall and take that seriously. If you like, you can bring her comments here and we'll help you think about what you can do to change your behavior, but chances are, you're talking too much.

---Meredith

cathymorgan25

Oh Meredith it's such a relief to hear that! It makes so much sense! And yes I do talk too much and comment too much! I am going to have to bite my tongue a little more now. I also had planned to ask her what was "bugging" her about me lately, and I really feel good about being her "back-up plan" too. I do appreciate your thoughts.
Cathy

--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> "cathymorgan25" <cathymorgan25@> wrote:
> >> Here's my question regarding our 13 yr old daughter, is part of dd "growing up" not needing her mom so much?
> ***************
>
> Yes! And that's a Good thing. You know all those people who say if you coddle your child they'll never want to leave home? Tada! They're wrong ;)
>
> Your daughter has been learning to trust her own ideas and judgement, to trust her own sense of right and wrong. Now she's wanting to stretch a little and make some decisions without bouncing them off you first - and that's how she'll refine her thoughtfulness and decision making. Now your job shifts from being the one who helps her think about things beforehand and figure things out, to being her backup plan. It's Scary for parents! But it *is* a good thing - she's ready to trust her own judgement on her own terms, that's fantastic.
>
> >>She seems very short on patience with me and got upset at me a few days back and said she just wants to be her own person. I really feel like she is pushing me away.
> ***************
>
> If you can stay out of her way, she won't need to push ;) What sorts of things are you doing that create push-back? Are you giving too much advice and information? Bite your tongue a little. Offer affection without suggestions or commentary. If you're not sure, ask your daughter what you do that drives her up the wall and take that seriously. If you like, you can bring her comments here and we'll help you think about what you can do to change your behavior, but chances are, you're talking too much.
>
> ---Meredith
>

cathymorgan25

This has also caused me to stop and think about our 10yr old dd that asks advice for so many things. I guess she's just not ready to figure things out on her own just yet. I see how its important to continue letting her bounce ideas off of me. It's neat how answering one question has translated to another thing! Cathy

--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> "cathymorgan25" <cathymorgan25@> wrote:
> >> Here's my question regarding our 13 yr old daughter, is part of dd "growing up" not needing her mom so much?
> ***************
>
> Yes! And that's a Good thing. You know all those people who say if you coddle your child they'll never want to leave home? Tada! They're wrong ;)
>
> Your daughter has been learning to trust her own ideas and judgement, to trust her own sense of right and wrong. Now she's wanting to stretch a little and make some decisions without bouncing them off you first - and that's how she'll refine her thoughtfulness and decision making. Now your job shifts from being the one who helps her think about things beforehand and figure things out, to being her backup plan. It's Scary for parents! But it *is* a good thing - she's ready to trust her own judgement on her own terms, that's fantastic.
>
> >>She seems very short on patience with me and got upset at me a few days back and said she just wants to be her own person. I really feel like she is pushing me away.
> ***************
>
> If you can stay out of her way, she won't need to push ;) What sorts of things are you doing that create push-back? Are you giving too much advice and information? Bite your tongue a little. Offer affection without suggestions or commentary. If you're not sure, ask your daughter what you do that drives her up the wall and take that seriously. If you like, you can bring her comments here and we'll help you think about what you can do to change your behavior, but chances are, you're talking too much.
>
> ---Meredith
>

Schuyler

>>This has also caused me to stop and think about our 10yr old dd that asks
>>advice for so many things. I guess she's just not ready to figure things out on
>>her own just yet. I see how its important to continue letting her bounce ideas
>>off of me.<<

Asking questions is a part of figuring out things on your own. I ask questions
in a fairly directed way, in a way to access information that I'm interested in.
I've done that for a lot of my life. The people who I ask varies based on the
information I think they have and the trustworthiness that they've shown in the
past when answering questions. Some people I don't ask if I want a quick answer
and I know that they tend to give really long and involved answers. Some people
I don't ask if I want an indepth and thoughtful answer and I know that they tend
to give brief and knee jerk responses to things. Presumably you asked your
question on this list because you wanted insight that you felt the people on
this list were capable of giving. And you didn't know what to do in the
situation you were struggling with.


>>It's neat how answering one question has translated to another thing! <<

Often that's the bigger benefit on a list like this, the question one person
asks translates readily to someone else's situation. Often looking for a
different perspective can help someone see a different view for lots of things.


Schuyler






________________________________


This has also caused me to stop and think about our 10yr old dd that asks advice
for so many things. I guess she's just not ready to figure things out on her own
just yet. I see how its important to continue letting her bounce ideas off of
me. It's neat how answering one question has translated to another thing!


-


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Schuyler

Sorry, meant to say something more before sending:






________________________________


>>This has also caused me to stop and think about our 10yr old dd that asks
>>advice for so many things. I guess she's just not ready to figure things out on
>>
>>her own just yet. I see how its important to continue letting her bounce ideas
>
>>off of me.<<

Asking questions is a part of figuring out things on your own. I ask questions
in a fairly directed way, in a way to access information that I'm interested in.

I've done that for a lot of my life. The people who I ask varies based on the
information I think they have and the trustworthiness that they've shown in the
past when answering questions. Some people I don't ask if I want a quick answer
and I know that they tend to give really long and involved answers. Some people
I don't ask if I want an indepth and thoughtful answer and I know that they tend

to give brief and knee jerk responses to things. Presumably you asked your
question on this list because you wanted insight that you felt the people on
this list were capable of giving. And you didn't know what to do in the
situation you were struggling with.

<Begin new bit>Instead of seeing your younger daughter's continuing to ask
questions as her not moving towards independence, maybe just see her as
different from your elder daughter. Maybe she'll always come to you with
questions.


Schuyler

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jul 3, 2011, at 12:25 PM, cathymorgan25 wrote:

> She seems very short on patience with me and got upset at me a few
> days back and said she just wants to be her own person. I really
> feel like she is pushing me away.

Get Parent/Teen Breakthrough: the relationship approach by Mira
Kirchenbaum.

http://tinyurl.com/3mnbf52

The best (radical unschooling) book on teens that isn't a radical
unschooling book.

At the moment it's out of print, but there's quite a few used ones for
a penny at Amazon.

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

Here's my question regarding our 13 yr old daughter, is part of dd "growing up" not needing her mom so much? Or am I being overly sensitive? I feel like she doesn't need me as much as she used to.

********Yes. And that's a good thing! She still loves you. She just needs her own space and time. And it's just the beginning. She will want more and more time to do her own thing. And then when you think you are used to that, she will want to talk. Or just hang out.

********I was thinking about this the other day in reference to my Mom. She's great! But we don't live near her and there have been times in life when I was not in touch with her for weeks at time. Just busy. No animosity. But I suddenly had the urge to just go visit her. For no reason other than wanting to see her and hang out. And I'm 54. :)

Nance

cathymorgan25

So I did ask my daughter what I have been doing/saying that has been irritating her lately and she said nothing! She said she has just been feeling grumpy lately. It did give us a chance to chat a bit and I feel the connection has tightened again, without too much chattiness on my part.

"Offer affection without suggestions or commentary." That's something I'm very interested in doing!

Thank you all who gave me advice/suggestions, I've been absorbing the information, and re-reading Parent/Teen Breakthrough: the relationship approach by Mira Kirchenbaum.

Cathy

--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> "cathymorgan25" <cathymorgan25@> wrote:
> >> Here's my question regarding our 13 yr old daughter, is part of dd "growing up" not needing her mom so much?
> ***************
>
> Yes! And that's a Good thing. You know all those people who say if you coddle your child they'll never want to leave home? Tada! They're wrong ;)
>
> Your daughter has been learning to trust her own ideas and judgement, to trust her own sense of right and wrong. Now she's wanting to stretch a little and make some decisions without bouncing them off you first - and that's how she'll refine her thoughtfulness and decision making. Now your job shifts from being the one who helps her think about things beforehand and figure things out, to being her backup plan. It's Scary for parents! But it *is* a good thing - she's ready to trust her own judgement on her own terms, that's fantastic.
>
> >>She seems very short on patience with me and got upset at me a few days back and said she just wants to be her own person. I really feel like she is pushing me away.
> ***************
>
> If you can stay out of her way, she won't need to push ;) What sorts of things are you doing that create push-back? Are you giving too much advice and information? Bite your tongue a little. Offer affection without suggestions or commentary. If you're not sure, ask your daughter what you do that drives her up the wall and take that seriously. If you like, you can bring her comments here and we'll help you think about what you can do to change your behavior, but chances are, you're talking too much.
>
> ---Meredith
>