Mirjam Koopmans

Hi Noelle,

I think Meredith is completely right!
We've got our PS3 in the living room (and not in their bedroom). My laptop
is in the living room most of the time too. An other computer is downstairs
in an other room. This way, we can all be 'together'.

Groetjes, Mirjam :o), mv Adam (10), Boaz (6) en Levi (3).
http://www.leermeer.blogspot.com

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> Posted by: "ncg30" ncg30@...
> <ncg30@...?Subject=+Re%3A%20New%20to%20group%2E%2E%2E> ncg30
> <http://profiles.yahoo.com/ncg30> Tue Jun 7, 2011 10:07 am (PDT)
>
>
> Hello I am just finishing the Big Book of Unschooling. I have one son who
> is almost 13, going into 7th grade next year. I live in New Jersey. My son
> is very into his video games and computer (mostly watching You Tube videos
> from other gamers, their game reviews, watching them play the games he
> likes). This is all he does when he is home after his homework. My husband
> wants it to be cut back drastically. I know another mom whose son is older
> (19) and was always into his games and computers and has now basically shut
> himself off from his parents and will lock himself in his room and just play
> and not talk to them hardly at all. He will be extremely nasty and rude to
> his mother. This scares me. So I don't know what to do, if anything, since
> my son is still younger. He's already starting with some of the rudeness and
> anger either towards his games or towards me.
>
> I am considering unschooling but would love to hear from others who pulled
> their children out of school at a later age like this. Also from others
> whose children are very into gaming and/or computers. I know in the book it
> talks about how parents would feel if they let their kids do what they want
> that all day (for example) they would play video games all day and I'm
> having a hard time not thinking that way myself about my son. But I do know
> I've never been thrilled with the public school system and my son doesn't
> really like school, never has. Mostly because overall he is on the quiet
> side and hasn't really made any friends, he talks to some kids at school but
> never had a close friend or buddy he hangs out with outside of school He's
> been picked on somewhat. We've moved twice since he started school and are
> moving again this summer. So I'm trying to decide if I should send him to
> the school in our new town or not. Any feedback from others would be greatly
> appreciated. It's wonderful to read the book but to hear from others and
> their real life current experiences, especially if they are similar to mine,
> would be most helpful.
>
> Thank you and I'm glad to be a part of the group!
>
> Noelle :)
>
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

ncg30

Thank you both for your responses! Our computer and gaming is kept in the main living area so he does not shut himeself off in his room to do these things. I do play with him occasionally as well. I guess what bothers me the most is not only how much he plays but also how he acts when he's playing. I do understand that he needs time to decompress from school and do something he enjoys and loves since that is definitely not school. But when he plays if he fails at a level or doesn't achieve a goal he gets so angry and will growl or yell or scream "COME ON" or "OH MY GOD". After listening to this for hours it can just become frustrating for me at times. When he's home on the weekends, and now that the summer is coming, he will be either on the computer or playing games all day.

I know this is what he loves to do - he even has been going to a gaming club at the library we had found where we were living but now that we are moving he won't be able to go anymore as we won't be close enough. He even talks about wanting to get into something with gaming as a career someday and I want to encourage that.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with how he acts when he is playing or should I not be making such a big deal about that? I've tried many calm discussions with him about it and even though he seems to understand it still continues. I always practiced attachment parenting when he was young - I guess now I'm trying to learn how to bring that philosophy, which I believe relates in a way to unschooling, into his teen years.

Noelle :)


--- In [email protected], Mirjam Koopmans <mirjamkoopmans@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Noelle,
>
> I think Meredith is completely right!
> We've got our PS3 in the living room (and not in their bedroom). My laptop
> is in the living room most of the time too. An other computer is downstairs
> in an other room. This way, we can all be 'together'.
>
> Groetjes, Mirjam :o), mv Adam (10), Boaz (6) en Levi (3).
> http://www.leermeer.blogspot.com
>

Schuyler

________________________________


Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with how he acts when he is
playing or should I not be making such a big deal about that? I've tried many
calm discussions with him about it and even though he seems to understand it
still continues. I always practiced attachment parenting when he was young - I
guess now I'm trying to learn how to bring that philosophy, which I believe
relates in a way to unschooling, into his teen years.

Noelle :)

=============

Feed him, bring him something to drink and touch him gently. Be kind to him.
Don't keep lecturing him. He may understand in the moment when you are speaking
to him or he may just be saying "yes mom" to get you to leave him be. Whichever,
in the moment, in the heat of the game, he's excited and focused and speaking
all those things out. Make sure that all else in his world, in that moment, is
good. Make sure that he isn't hungry by giving him something to eat, fix him a
platter of food, bring him a piece of cake, a sandwich, a piece of quiche, a
burrito. Food is a huge factor, school is a big expense of energy, coming home
from school he's probably tired and hungry and a bit on edge.


Be patient. Be more patient than he is. Recognise that you are the adult, that
you are the one who has had a longer time to learn to be patient, and be
patient. If he's frustrated over something that you can help with, a level on a
game for example, look up information on the game. If he's frustrated with the
way someone is playing, or the fact that he keeps dying, understand how
frustrating those things can be. Working in a team, or against a team, can have
lots of frustrations. People often don't do what you think they ought to be
doing. In a big on-line brawl you have to hope that your teammates have your
back so that your enemies don't get the chance to snipe you when you aren't
looking. Dying over and over again is so very frustrating. I've been playing
Drawn to Life on my ds and had to quit because I just got too frustrated with
it. Fortunately I have other games to turn to, and I don't feel so intensely
focused on the game that I can't walk away. But when I was playing Okami and
kept dying, man, I wanted to just get through the level. I got pretty grouchy.
Had to apologise more than once.


Maybe you and he could come up with fun things to shout. I like "buggerit,
millenium hand and shrimp" from Terry Pratchett. The taunts from Monty Python
are good. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries." or
"I fart in your general direction." But oh my god and come on aren't
particularly harsh. Maybe you should breathe and not worry about his momentary
frustration quite so much. Sometimes it is easy to take on the tension of
another person, but it isn't your tension. I would let it go.


Schuyler


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

I sure wouldn't want to listen to that! Which is why DS's gaming stuff is in his room. He enjoys playing and gets quite caught up in the games.

He and an unschooled buddy are going to a gaming tournament of some kind this weekend. They've been playing for years and like it. OTOH, they are both wonderful young men, a pleasure to be around and 18.

Which is to say they are not 13. Being 13 is tough. Being 13 is not being a young kid and not being grown enough so anyone treats you like you have a clue. Which you mostly don't but still. . . Being 13 is growth spurts and acne and girls not noticing you and all kinds of crappy middle school pressure. Being 13 can really suck.

Some privacy and the time to do something you enjoy can make it less sucky.

Not going to school will free your 13-year-old from the clock, as well. Getting up early to go to school (early meaning before noon) can be replaced with his body's natural sleep demands, leave time to play in a relaxed way (it may not look relaxed but it is not having to be squeezed into the school schedule) and otherwise free your son to explore his interests.

Note, these may not be something that Dad enjoys. Or that you enjoy. They are his interests, not yours. They may or may not be something you can do together.

This is the beginning of your son growing up and possibly away from you. It is difficult and you miss them when this happens. It doesn't mean they don't love you or need you. It means they are finding their way. You can help by keeping a roof over their head, feeding them, driving them, paying as you can, encouraging, trying to understand what the heck they are talking about and being positive about it if they want to share, etc.

It is not helpful to restrict and negate interests. It is not helpful to insist that all interests be available to public scrutiny and family participation and approval.

Privacy is an important thing. For all of us.

And time. Time to do what looks like nothing. Time not to have to worry about whether something will lead to a job or college. Time to grown and develop into a young adult.

Well, you asked. :)

Nance




--- In [email protected], "ncg30" <ncg30@...> wrote:
>
> Thank you both for your responses! Our computer and gaming is kept in the main living area so he does not shut himeself off in his room to do these things. I do play with him occasionally as well. I guess what bothers me the most is not only how much he plays but also how he acts when he's playing. I do understand that he needs time to decompress from school and do something he enjoys and loves since that is definitely not school. But when he plays if he fails at a level or doesn't achieve a goal he gets so angry and will growl or yell or scream "COME ON" or "OH MY GOD". After listening to this for hours it can just become frustrating for me at times. When he's home on the weekends, and now that the summer is coming, he will be either on the computer or playing games all day.
>
> I know this is what he loves to do - he even has been going to a gaming club at the library we had found where we were living but now that we are moving he won't be able to go anymore as we won't be close enough. He even talks about wanting to get into something with gaming as a career someday and I want to encourage that.
>
> Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with how he acts when he is playing or should I not be making such a big deal about that? I've tried many calm discussions with him about it and even though he seems to understand it still continues. I always practiced attachment parenting when he was young - I guess now I'm trying to learn how to bring that philosophy, which I believe relates in a way to unschooling, into his teen years.
>
> Noelle :)
>
>
> --- In [email protected], Mirjam Koopmans <mirjamkoopmans@> wrote:
> >
> > Hi Noelle,
> >
> > I think Meredith is completely right!
> > We've got our PS3 in the living room (and not in their bedroom). My laptop
> > is in the living room most of the time too. An other computer is downstairs
> > in an other room. This way, we can all be 'together'.
> >
> > Groetjes, Mirjam :o), mv Adam (10), Boaz (6) en Levi (3).
> > http://www.leermeer.blogspot.com
> >
>

Debra Rossing

> Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with how he acts when he is playing or should I not be making such a big deal about that?

Heck, DH is 42 and he still gets frustrated when playing a videogame and says "Damn" or "Come on!" or whatever when he dies or the level is just being difficult. Anyone, anywhere, of any age, who is pushing their personal limits/doing something new and challenging in something is bound to come to points where they get frustrated and yell, stomp, whatever. It's all related to how important something is to the person - I don't get terribly frustrated by videogames because I'm not a big gamer (I can handle a few minutes then I start getting dizzy from the motion; but, I did beat one of the Pokemon games way back on the Gameboy). On the other hand, last week I was making pies for DS' birthday and the crusts were just not cooperating and boy, was I frustrated and grumbly and saying things like "Come On! Why won't you WORK?!!" The important thing is not to eliminate being frustrated but in how it is dealt with. Is anyone being injured? Is the controller being destroyed on a weekly basis? (and I know whereof I speak - DH was infamous in his family growing up for destroying controllers out of frustration) Or, is he venting verbally as a way to re-focus and master the challenge? My DS (13 and always unschooled) will stomp his foot and/or growl aloud (Arrrrrrr!) when he's stuck in a game. Sometimes he'll pause and walk away for a minute, sometimes he'll stop entirely for a time and do something else, and sometimes he fights through the frustration and masters the challenge. It's all good - those are coping skills that will be useful throughout his life because frustrations happen.

Deb R



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

michelle_m29

>But when he plays if he fails at a level or doesn't achieve a goal >he gets so angry and will growl or yell or scream "COME ON" or "OH >MY GOD". After listening to this for hours it can just become >frustrating for me at times.

Reading this made me wonder -- if he was challenging himself with something other than the video games, wouldn't he still get frustrated? I've had the same type of reaction to problems with my sewing machine tension and dropped knitting stitches...my husband gets that way when he's working on his old trucks...


Michelle

Debra Rossing

>Reading this made me wonder -- if he was challenging himself with something other than the video games, wouldn't he still get frustrated? I've had the same type of reaction to problems with my sewing machine tension and dropped knitting stitches...my husband gets that way when he's working on his old trucks...

Exactly! It's not JUST videogames, it's not JUST kids - frustration happens. Developing tools to deal with it (when to just walk away for a bit, when to growl and keep at it, when to request assistance as DS does sometimes with videogames, etc)

--Deb R

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