Lack of structure-how to convince my husband
naturalmommyx2
My kids are 4,3 and 9 months and I have been learning about unschooling over the last year on and off. The more I learn the more it resonates with me and I realize this is what I have been doing anyway. I have mentioned unschooling to my husband a few times and tell him the things I learn- or at least I try to. I guess I don't feel I understand the entire concept on an intellectual level and it feels so hard to explain to him. This morning he heard a commercial for a K-12 online home school program in our area and all the social meetups they do, etc and how we should do that since I want to home school. He said "It will be interesting to see what happens with all this homeschooling going on now. Parents cant get there kids to do their work after school, I wonder how they will when they have them home all day?" I brought up unschooling again and how I would at like to try it out until at the very least kindergarten. His response was the same as all the other times. His big concern is the kids not having that structured time. My response was basically me telling him that the idea of school is so kids learn. He feels like if kids dont have a sit down structured time that they wont learn(as much)and are missing the value of structure. I continued to tell him that it is in our nature to learn to just look at them and watch how curious they are now and how much they are learning and they aren't even in school yet. He was on lunch break and had to go but I could tell he is still resisting the whole idea. A little background about him is that he grew up with a lot of structure. He played baseball when he was 2 years old on up into college and sabotaged his career with his own fears and issues. Because of all the positive things that structure brought to his life he really insists that they have this structure in school. I hated school growing up mainly because of feeling outcasted,tormented and it being so damn boring and I wanted to learn but no one went out of there way to help me. I grew up with no structure and he grew up with too much structure that he didn't know how to function after his career ended. I know there is a happy medium and that is what I am trying to find here. I would love to hear from some of you on the whole structure thing and some rebuttals I can offer to my hubby. Thank you so much!
Christina
Christina
plaidpanties666
Your kids are so little still, so talking about school and structure is going to seem very theoretical, both to you and your dh. That makes it harder in some ways - he can't "see" what you're saying. For now, it could be more helpful to research the benefits of delayed education. Read up on play-based learning so that you have something to offer besides "unschooling" - which can sound a bit crazy to dads at first.
Its great that he's supportive of home schooling! Some dads balk at that, so be glad you've got a head start in that regard. Remember, with unschooling you can always say things like "I want to try this For A While and see what happens" - you don't have to "commit" right off the bat, and really, you can't possibly know what you'll be doing in five years, anyway. If the kids are home, you can talk a lot about what they're learning, start a blog, take lots of pix, let your dh "see" that the kids aren't missing out. Its perfectly natural to have routines, too, so it may help your dh to describe your days in those terms, let him see the "structure" that arises naturally.
Now that I'm the working parent, it helps Me a whole lot to see the routines in my kids lives - Mo's in particular, since Ray's out and about so much I can't keep track anyway ;) When I'm off a few days (this long weekend was great) I get to see the natural rhythms of her days, again. That's helpful to me, since Mo's "low energy" time happens to be right when I get home from work, so that's what I see most days. Even having been the at-home unschooling parent, seeing my kid resting day after day gets me wondering what happens at home - do they do Anything At All? Because I've been the home parent, I can talk myself down when I start to fret, but your dh doesn't have that advantage. It will be up to you to let him see all the wonderful things that are going on - that he's working so hard to support.
---Meredith (Mo 9, Ray 16)
>>This morning he heard a commercial for a K-12 online home school program in our area and all the social meetups they do, etc and how we should do that since I want to home school**************
Its great that he's supportive of home schooling! Some dads balk at that, so be glad you've got a head start in that regard. Remember, with unschooling you can always say things like "I want to try this For A While and see what happens" - you don't have to "commit" right off the bat, and really, you can't possibly know what you'll be doing in five years, anyway. If the kids are home, you can talk a lot about what they're learning, start a blog, take lots of pix, let your dh "see" that the kids aren't missing out. Its perfectly natural to have routines, too, so it may help your dh to describe your days in those terms, let him see the "structure" that arises naturally.
Now that I'm the working parent, it helps Me a whole lot to see the routines in my kids lives - Mo's in particular, since Ray's out and about so much I can't keep track anyway ;) When I'm off a few days (this long weekend was great) I get to see the natural rhythms of her days, again. That's helpful to me, since Mo's "low energy" time happens to be right when I get home from work, so that's what I see most days. Even having been the at-home unschooling parent, seeing my kid resting day after day gets me wondering what happens at home - do they do Anything At All? Because I've been the home parent, I can talk myself down when I start to fret, but your dh doesn't have that advantage. It will be up to you to let him see all the wonderful things that are going on - that he's working so hard to support.
---Meredith (Mo 9, Ray 16)
kellynrachel
In my experience, unschooling doesn't make sense to most men. The concept of free time is a little foreign. Unschooling is maybe not the best way to start out the introduction to homeschooling. You have got him suggesting homeschooling. That is a good start. He is offering ideas that he has heard of that seem reasonable (k-12) much like you are offering ideas that you have learned about (unschooling). It's about finding a balance.
If you choose to fight this battle now over a word, you are going to lose. If you choose to follow a path of attentiveness to your children and enriching their interests, he will see the results. In my experience, men need to see results before they will dive into something. My hubby was skeptical of homeschooling at first. Now that my kids are 11, 9, & 7, he's the biggest advocate for keeping your kids close to you and nurturing their interests.
Ask your husband what he would like for his kids. Mine wanted something. But couldn't figure out what. Turns out he just wanted them working in an independent area to grow as individuals. Many people use school for that. We use gymnastics. Things learned in school can be learned in other activities. If he wants them in a sport, encourage it. Have him be involved. Find out if it sparks an interest with your kids. Don't shun ideas because you want to "unschool". Accept all possibilities. You never know where it will lead you. And you can change your mind at any time.
Enjoy the journey.
Rachel
If you choose to fight this battle now over a word, you are going to lose. If you choose to follow a path of attentiveness to your children and enriching their interests, he will see the results. In my experience, men need to see results before they will dive into something. My hubby was skeptical of homeschooling at first. Now that my kids are 11, 9, & 7, he's the biggest advocate for keeping your kids close to you and nurturing their interests.
Ask your husband what he would like for his kids. Mine wanted something. But couldn't figure out what. Turns out he just wanted them working in an independent area to grow as individuals. Many people use school for that. We use gymnastics. Things learned in school can be learned in other activities. If he wants them in a sport, encourage it. Have him be involved. Find out if it sparks an interest with your kids. Don't shun ideas because you want to "unschool". Accept all possibilities. You never know where it will lead you. And you can change your mind at any time.
Enjoy the journey.
Rachel
otherstar
From: plaidpanties666
Sent: Wednesday, September 08, 2010 7:36 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Lack of structure-how to convince my husband
Something else about routines and structure. Some kids want and need structure and some kids don't. My oldest two daughters are completely opposite in this regard. My 6 year old insists on getting up at 10 AM to watch Pokemon. If I don't get her up, she has a bad day and everything is screwed up for the whole day. While watching Pokemon, I find something for her to eat and hang out with her. She needs to know what is going on in advance. She doesn't like surprises. Everything has to be predictable. Every day, she wants her bed to be made a certain way. Before she will go to sleep at night, her toys have to be lined up a certain way. She wants her clothes hung up in her closet a certain way. If we eat at the dinner table, she wants everyone to sit in "their" place. She thrives on structure and predictability. My oldest on the other hand could care less about any of those things. She loves surprises and likes to do things on the spur of the moment. She has some basic rhythm to her day but there is no structure. She decides what she wants to do shortly before doing it.
When I first figured out that the word for what we were doing was unschooling, my husband would ask what we did during the day. He would sometimes ask the girls what they had learned during the day. He would sometimes ask them what they learned for the day. I would help them pick something out. If they spent the day drawing and playing, we would tell him we did art. Pretty much any form of play can be phrased in such a way that it sounds like structured learning. : -)
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sent: Wednesday, September 08, 2010 7:36 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Lack of structure-how to convince my husband
>>>Its great that he's supportive of home schooling! Some dads balk at that, so be glad you've got a head start in that regard. Remember, with unschooling you can always say things like "I want to try this For A While and see what happens" - you don't have to "commit" right off the bat, and really, you can't possibly know what you'll be doing in five years, anyway. If the kids are home, you can talk a lot about what they're learning, start a blog, take lots of pix, let your dh "see" that the kids aren't missing out. Its perfectly natural to have routines, too, so it may help your dh to describe your days in those terms, let him see the "structure" that arises naturally.<<<I still wonder if I am actually "committed" to unschooling. I try not to be set on any one path because that makes it really difficult to take things as they come. I feel like we are constantly re-evaluating everything. When my kids were that young, I would think about schooling. I would actively purchase workbooks, textbooks, and anything else that I thought was "educational". I wasn't trying to teach my kids anything as much as I was trying to stock up because I had no idea how I was going to do "school". I was strewing before I knew what strewing was. In retrospect, the act of me seeking out materials put my husband and other family members at ease. I have used very little of that stuff but it is around the house for the kids to use if they want. When my girls have expressed a desire to learn to read, we have showed them computer games and pulled out some of the workbook stuff. Instead of trying to convince your husband that unschooling is the "right" path, perhaps you can offer to look at the online programs. I have looked at dozens of different curriculums and educational approaches, not because I plan on actually using them but because it is good to know what is available in the event that my child may express an interest in something that is in them.
Something else about routines and structure. Some kids want and need structure and some kids don't. My oldest two daughters are completely opposite in this regard. My 6 year old insists on getting up at 10 AM to watch Pokemon. If I don't get her up, she has a bad day and everything is screwed up for the whole day. While watching Pokemon, I find something for her to eat and hang out with her. She needs to know what is going on in advance. She doesn't like surprises. Everything has to be predictable. Every day, she wants her bed to be made a certain way. Before she will go to sleep at night, her toys have to be lined up a certain way. She wants her clothes hung up in her closet a certain way. If we eat at the dinner table, she wants everyone to sit in "their" place. She thrives on structure and predictability. My oldest on the other hand could care less about any of those things. She loves surprises and likes to do things on the spur of the moment. She has some basic rhythm to her day but there is no structure. She decides what she wants to do shortly before doing it.
When I first figured out that the word for what we were doing was unschooling, my husband would ask what we did during the day. He would sometimes ask the girls what they had learned during the day. He would sometimes ask them what they learned for the day. I would help them pick something out. If they spent the day drawing and playing, we would tell him we did art. Pretty much any form of play can be phrased in such a way that it sounds like structured learning. : -)
Connie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
naturalmommyx2
--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666"
<plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
it harder in some ways - he can't "see" what you're saying. For now, it
could be more helpful to research the benefits of delayed education.
Read up on play-based learning so that you have something to offer
besides "unschooling" - which can sound a bit crazy to dads at first.
Thank you for that. Yes for him 'seeing is believing' so this makes a
lot of sense. I will be going to the library to find some books on the
topic.
Its great that he's supportive of home schooling! Some dads balk at
that, so be glad you've got a head start in that regard. Yes, I very
much appreciate that.
Remember, with unschooling you can always say things like "I want to try
this For A While and see what happens" - you don't have to "commit"
right off the bat, and really, you can't possibly know what you'll be
doing in five years, anyway.
Good point, things are always changing for us and I shouldn't get so
stuck on something that isn't even an issue yet.
If the kids are home, you can talk a lot about what they're learning,
start a blog, take lots of pix, let your dh "see" that the kids aren't
missing out.
I love the idea of doing a blog! I think I will start that asap. I would
love to see some blogs of other unschoolers for inspiration. Do you have
any good ones to recommend?
Even having been the at-home unschooling parent, seeing my kid resting
day after day gets me wondering what happens at home - do they do
Anything At All?
This is something I think he thinks now. He has little idea what goes on
here.
It will be up to you to let him see all the wonderful things that are
going on - that he's working so hard to support.
You are right and I am getting a start on that blog today. Thank you
so much for taking the time to respond to my post:)
P.S I sure hope I trimmed the post properly as I am new to this!
-Christina
<plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>is going to seem very theoretical, both to you and your dh. That makes
> Your kids are so little still, so talking about school and structure
it harder in some ways - he can't "see" what you're saying. For now, it
could be more helpful to research the benefits of delayed education.
Read up on play-based learning so that you have something to offer
besides "unschooling" - which can sound a bit crazy to dads at first.
Thank you for that. Yes for him 'seeing is believing' so this makes a
lot of sense. I will be going to the library to find some books on the
topic.
Its great that he's supportive of home schooling! Some dads balk at
that, so be glad you've got a head start in that regard. Yes, I very
much appreciate that.
Remember, with unschooling you can always say things like "I want to try
this For A While and see what happens" - you don't have to "commit"
right off the bat, and really, you can't possibly know what you'll be
doing in five years, anyway.
Good point, things are always changing for us and I shouldn't get so
stuck on something that isn't even an issue yet.
If the kids are home, you can talk a lot about what they're learning,
start a blog, take lots of pix, let your dh "see" that the kids aren't
missing out.
I love the idea of doing a blog! I think I will start that asap. I would
love to see some blogs of other unschoolers for inspiration. Do you have
any good ones to recommend?
Even having been the at-home unschooling parent, seeing my kid resting
day after day gets me wondering what happens at home - do they do
Anything At All?
This is something I think he thinks now. He has little idea what goes on
here.
It will be up to you to let him see all the wonderful things that are
going on - that he's working so hard to support.
You are right and I am getting a start on that blog today. Thank you
so much for taking the time to respond to my post:)
P.S I sure hope I trimmed the post properly as I am new to this!
-Christina
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
naturalmommyx2
--- In [email protected], "kellynrachel"
<kelly-rachel@...> wrote:
best way to start out the introduction to homeschooling. You have got
him suggesting homeschooling. That is a good start. He is offering
ideas that he has heard of that seem reasonable (k-12) much like you are
offering ideas that you have learned about (unschooling). It's about
finding a balance.
and enriching their interests, he will see the results. In my
experience, men need to see results before they will dive into
something. My hubby was skeptical of homeschooling at first. Now that
my kids are 11, 9, & 7, he's the biggest advocate for keeping your kids
close to you and nurturing their interests.
working in an independent area to grow as individuals. Many people use
school for that. We use gymnastics. Things learned in school can be
learned in other activities. If he wants them in a sport, encourage it.
Have him be involved. Find out if it sparks an interest with your kids.
Don't shun ideas because you want to "unschool". Accept all
possibilities. You never know where it will lead you. And you can
change your mind at any time.
to his. I am not trying to resist his 'way' by any means but more so
want him to know more about unschooling so that he can understand it the
way that I do. I think just the word 'unschooling' makes him cringe! I
actually told him about the K-12 program 2 years ago before I even knew
what unschooling was. I guess he forgot or wasn't listening. I like the
idea of having a virtual school available and think that it is a great
option to have available. Right now, I know that I like what he have
going on here even though they are not officially school age. I guess i
am just afraid that next year when its time for kindergarten my husband
is going to give me a hard time. I know I am getting ahead of myself
now, lol. Thanks for your input it.
-Christina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
<kelly-rachel@...> wrote:
>concept of free time is a little foreign. Unschooling is maybe not the
>
> In my experience, unschooling doesn't make sense to most men. The
best way to start out the introduction to homeschooling. You have got
him suggesting homeschooling. That is a good start. He is offering
ideas that he has heard of that seem reasonable (k-12) much like you are
offering ideas that you have learned about (unschooling). It's about
finding a balance.
>lose. If you choose to follow a path of attentiveness to your children
> If you choose to fight this battle now over a word, you are going to
and enriching their interests, he will see the results. In my
experience, men need to see results before they will dive into
something. My hubby was skeptical of homeschooling at first. Now that
my kids are 11, 9, & 7, he's the biggest advocate for keeping your kids
close to you and nurturing their interests.
>Good point. This is very encouraging! Thank you:)
> Ask your husband what he would like for his kids. Mine wantedsomething. But couldn't figure out what. Turns out he just wanted them
working in an independent area to grow as individuals. Many people use
school for that. We use gymnastics. Things learned in school can be
learned in other activities. If he wants them in a sport, encourage it.
Have him be involved. Find out if it sparks an interest with your kids.
Don't shun ideas because you want to "unschool". Accept all
possibilities. You never know where it will lead you. And you can
change your mind at any time.
>way. I know he can be when things are presented in a non resistive way
> I am pretty open minded and I guess I want my husband to be the same
to his. I am not trying to resist his 'way' by any means but more so
want him to know more about unschooling so that he can understand it the
way that I do. I think just the word 'unschooling' makes him cringe! I
actually told him about the K-12 program 2 years ago before I even knew
what unschooling was. I guess he forgot or wasn't listening. I like the
idea of having a virtual school available and think that it is a great
option to have available. Right now, I know that I like what he have
going on here even though they are not officially school age. I guess i
am just afraid that next year when its time for kindergarten my husband
is going to give me a hard time. I know I am getting ahead of myself
now, lol. Thanks for your input it.
-Christina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
I'm reposting this with some extra spaces for clarity sake - it was a bit hard to find where quotes ended and replies began! On that note, it helps to insert extra blank lines and separate quotes from comments with some kind of symbol *** or -=-=-= or >>>> for instance:
--- In [email protected], "naturalmommyx2" <naturalmommyx2@...> wrote:
<plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> Your kids are so little still, so talking about school and structure
is going to seem very theoretical, both to you and your dh. That makes
it harder in some ways - he can't "see" what you're saying. For now, it
could be more helpful to research the benefits of delayed education.
Read up on play-based learning so that you have something to offer
besides "unschooling" - which can sound a bit crazy to dads at first.
****************
Thank you for that. Yes for him 'seeing is believing' so this makes a
lot of sense. I will be going to the library to find some books on the
topic.
>>
great that he's supportive of home schooling! Some dads balk at
that, so be glad you've got a head start in that regard.
**********
Yes, I very
much appreciate that.
>>
Remember, with unschooling you can always say things like "I want to try
this For A While and see what happens" - you don't have to "commit"
right off the bat, and really, you can't possibly know what you'll be
doing in five years, anyway.
***********
Good point, things are always changing for us and I shouldn't get so
stuck on something that isn't even an issue yet.
>>
If the kids are home, you can talk a lot about what they're learning,
start a blog, take lots of pix, let your dh "see" that the kids aren't
missing out.
************
I love the idea of doing a blog! I think I will start that asap. I would
love to see some blogs of other unschoolers for inspiration. Do you have
any good ones to recommend?
>>
Even having been the at-home unschooling parent, seeing my kid resting
day after day gets me wondering what happens at home - do they do
Anything At All?
**********
This is something I think he thinks now. He has little idea what goes on
here.
>>
It will be up to you to let him see all the wonderful things that are
going on - that he's working so hard to support.
***********
You are right and I am getting a start on that blog today. Thank you
so much for taking the time to respond to my post:)
-Christina
plaidpanties666
> I love the idea of doing a blog! I think I will start that asap. I wouldThere's a whole list of unschooler's blogs here:
> love to see some blogs of other unschoolers for inspiration. Do you have
> any good ones to recommend?
http://enjoylifeunschooling.com/resources/
My current favorites are:
http://www.swissarmywife.net/
http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/
http://justabaldman.blogspot.com/
Another good one for dads it The Parenting Pit, but I can't find my link for it - I'll post it later, unless someone else does ;)
---Meredith
naturalmommyx2
--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
Thanks for the help on the trimming. I originally did mine in a separate color but guess that does not work. I think I get it now,lol. Thanks for the links I am going to check some out today.
-Christina
> There's a whole list of unschooler's blogs here:**************************
> http://enjoylifeunschooling.com/resources/
>
> My current favorites are:
> http://www.swissarmywife.net/
> http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/
> http://justabaldman.blogspot.com/
>
> Another good one for dads it The Parenting Pit, but I can't find my link for it - I'll post it later, unless someone else does ;)
>
> ---Meredith
Thanks for the help on the trimming. I originally did mine in a separate color but guess that does not work. I think I get it now,lol. Thanks for the links I am going to check some out today.
-Christina
arunaway72
> > Another good one for dads it The Parenting Pit, but I can't find my link for it - I'll post it later, unless someone else does ;)hi,
> >
> > ---Meredith
i was lurking here and saw meredith write this... i think the article she is probably referring too is the one called "An Unauthorised Guide for Unschooling Mums dealing with (still developing) Unschooling Dads"
it can be found at :
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
all the best
arun