deschooling psychology!
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Hi all,
Thank you so much for all the church ideas/info. I am definitely feeling much better about letting each family member choose their own path.
Another question: My older daughter (9) chose to go to public school the middle of last year. Part of it was curiosity, but I definitely think that part of it was me, because we were using a curriculum, and I started getting uptight about where we were with things (math, writing, etc.). She entered a grade lower, because of where she was with math even though she was way advanced with reading. Anyway, she has more than caught up and things have been moving way too slowly for her, so last week she up and decided that she was ready to come home. (We had been talking about the possibility for next year with summer as our transition time. I had also told her a little bit about unschooling, and I have been working on active listening, etc to improve our relationship. So once she decided she really wanted to return to homeschooling, she didn't want to wait the 7 weeks that were left in the school year)
Well, we have definitely been having some transitional issues. I have read many times about deschooling throughout our homeschooling years and recently looked up articles on Sandra and Joyce's web-sites. So, I understand the process for the most part. What I don't seem to be able to find is much information on the psychology of deschooling. In other words, what are the emotional ups and downs that kids go through as they deschool? Do their sleep cycles get off? Do they need more sleep to catch up? Do they need to be close to Mom or Dad more? (Sort of clingy?)
I really am glad she is home and I am looking forward to doing more with her. We have already had some great moments making breakfast together. But, at times (excuse the imagery) she emotionally vomits all over me. I try the active listening, but it doesn't always work - just makes her madder. I'm finding being silent is better. I don't want to go into details about specific events, because for the most part I think they are just triggers for something deeper.
So, what I am looking for is web-sites/articles about deschooling and kid psychology. Also, even though she is 9, she is definitely in early stages of puberty. (I was early too - hit my adult size by age 13, so it's genetic.)
Amy C.
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Thank you so much for all the church ideas/info. I am definitely feeling much better about letting each family member choose their own path.
Another question: My older daughter (9) chose to go to public school the middle of last year. Part of it was curiosity, but I definitely think that part of it was me, because we were using a curriculum, and I started getting uptight about where we were with things (math, writing, etc.). She entered a grade lower, because of where she was with math even though she was way advanced with reading. Anyway, she has more than caught up and things have been moving way too slowly for her, so last week she up and decided that she was ready to come home. (We had been talking about the possibility for next year with summer as our transition time. I had also told her a little bit about unschooling, and I have been working on active listening, etc to improve our relationship. So once she decided she really wanted to return to homeschooling, she didn't want to wait the 7 weeks that were left in the school year)
Well, we have definitely been having some transitional issues. I have read many times about deschooling throughout our homeschooling years and recently looked up articles on Sandra and Joyce's web-sites. So, I understand the process for the most part. What I don't seem to be able to find is much information on the psychology of deschooling. In other words, what are the emotional ups and downs that kids go through as they deschool? Do their sleep cycles get off? Do they need more sleep to catch up? Do they need to be close to Mom or Dad more? (Sort of clingy?)
I really am glad she is home and I am looking forward to doing more with her. We have already had some great moments making breakfast together. But, at times (excuse the imagery) she emotionally vomits all over me. I try the active listening, but it doesn't always work - just makes her madder. I'm finding being silent is better. I don't want to go into details about specific events, because for the most part I think they are just triggers for something deeper.
So, what I am looking for is web-sites/articles about deschooling and kid psychology. Also, even though she is 9, she is definitely in early stages of puberty. (I was early too - hit my adult size by age 13, so it's genetic.)
Amy C.
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Rebecca M.
--- Amy wrote:
One of the best pieces of advice that I read was the idea that even though you are saying "yes" more often, you don't need to say yes all the time, especially in the beginning. Your daughter is now in uncharted territory in her life (and so are you). It's going to feel a bit scary, a bit exhilarating, and, possibly, a bit overwhelming. It might be okay for your daughter to still have an expectation about when to head to bed (as in, when the adults go to bed) so that she has the opportunity to get her sleep (and to make sure, if she's going to bed later, that she gets the opportunity to sleep until she needs to get up in the morning). What may look like the beginning twinges of adolescence could simply be an adjustment in her sleep cycles. It could take some time to sort that out.
Speaking from personal experience, it does go better if the whole life aspect of unschooling is gradual, like an opening blossom, rather than a quick release of all guidance and support. (In fact, non-coercive guidance and support is all part of the whole-life thing.)
As a parent, it has also helped for me to think about "deschooling" as an opportunity to firm up my attachments to my child. It's my opportunity to get on his side and show him that I'm on his side. That means being more available than I ever was before, both physically and emotionally. We can interpret "clinginess" as something negative or we can see it as a step in creating a closer bond with our child.
These are just my "top of my head" thoughts this morning. I hope it's in the ballpark of the sort of information you were looking for.
- Rebecca
>** What I don't seem to be able to find is much information on the psychology of deschooling. In other words, what are the emotional ups and downs that kids go through as they deschool? Do their sleep cycles get off? Do they need more sleep to catch up? Do they need to be close to Mom or Dad more? (Sort of clingy?) **I don't know that there's much out there on the "psychology" of deschooling. But I do know that it can look differently for each child. It's a pretty individual experience based on all that has gone on before. In your daughter's case, she's deschooling twice. She's deschooling school and all the baggage that came with that. And she's deschooling home (including her relationship with you) as you did "school at home" with her before she went to school. And she's 9. 9-year-olds seem so sophisticated in so many ways but they really are still young children inside.
>
One of the best pieces of advice that I read was the idea that even though you are saying "yes" more often, you don't need to say yes all the time, especially in the beginning. Your daughter is now in uncharted territory in her life (and so are you). It's going to feel a bit scary, a bit exhilarating, and, possibly, a bit overwhelming. It might be okay for your daughter to still have an expectation about when to head to bed (as in, when the adults go to bed) so that she has the opportunity to get her sleep (and to make sure, if she's going to bed later, that she gets the opportunity to sleep until she needs to get up in the morning). What may look like the beginning twinges of adolescence could simply be an adjustment in her sleep cycles. It could take some time to sort that out.
Speaking from personal experience, it does go better if the whole life aspect of unschooling is gradual, like an opening blossom, rather than a quick release of all guidance and support. (In fact, non-coercive guidance and support is all part of the whole-life thing.)
As a parent, it has also helped for me to think about "deschooling" as an opportunity to firm up my attachments to my child. It's my opportunity to get on his side and show him that I'm on his side. That means being more available than I ever was before, both physically and emotionally. We can interpret "clinginess" as something negative or we can see it as a step in creating a closer bond with our child.
These are just my "top of my head" thoughts this morning. I hope it's in the ballpark of the sort of information you were looking for.
- Rebecca
otherstar
>>>What I don't seem to be able to find is much information on the psychology of deschooling. In other words, what are the emotional ups and downs that kids go through as they deschool? Do their sleep cycles get off? Do they need more sleep to catch up? Do they need to be close to Mom or Dad more? (Sort of clingy?)<<<<Every kid is going to react differently. Instead of looking up the psychology of deschooling, perhaps you can look up the psychology involved in any kind of life change. Have you really changed how you treat your kids? I remember when I started to deliberately unschool all aspects of our lives, my oldest asked, "Mom, why are you being so nice to me." She thought an alien had abducted me. I had never been mean but there were certain things that I thought I should insist on for their own good.
My kids (always unschooled to some degree) do not deal well with change even if the change is a positive one. If your daughter is 9, a lot of this could be from the fact that 9 year olds are experiencing lots of changes. If you do some research on 6-10 year olds, you will see that it is fairly common for them to have lots of ups and downs. There is an explosion of cognitive growth during this time. I have always thought of the 6-10 years as the lost years because some kids are too big for the "baby" stuff but not big enough for the "teen" stuff. I can vividly remember being 9. It was kind of rough because I had started growing and didn't look 9. It was kind of confusing.
>>>>But, at times (excuse the imagery) she emotionally vomits all over me.<<<<That happens. My 8 year old had a massive melt down last night over a game that she was playing. She felt that somebody on the game screwed her over and made her feel stupid. (Her words.) She is usually able to hold it together but our car broke down the other night and she is getting ready to be in her cousin's wedding. I think all of this has her feeling more emotional than usual so that any trigger (positive or negative) is going to get an even bigger reaction than usual.
Also, there is the fact that your daughter has been in school. When you are in school, you pretty much have to suppress everything for self preservation. Now that she is at home, she may just be letting all of that out because she finally feels safe enough to do it.
>>>I try the active listening, but it doesn't always work - just makes her madder. I'm finding being silent is better. I don't want to go into details about specific events, because for the most part I think they are just triggers for something deeper.<<<<Don't be surprised if one day being quiet works and the next day being silent makes it worse. I find that I have to assess each incident on its own rather than trying to find one approach that works all the time. Be responsive in the moment. My daughter and I worked through last night's melt down with me holding her and letting her rant and rave. She said some pretty ugly stuff. I didn't hold it against her. I let her get it all out. Her dad tried to "help" but his input only escalated the situation. He had to leave the room. I held her and would remind her to take a deep breath and let it all out. Once she was able to regain control of herself, we were able to talk about what happened. Before holding her, I asked her if she wanted to go take a shower because I know that helps her calm down. My holding her seemed to help the most in that situation. That is not always the case though.
>>>Also, even though she is 9, she is definitely in early stages of puberty.<<<That right there is reason enough for her to be doing all of the things that you have mentioned.
Connie
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plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], AECANGORA@... wrote:
An expression I use a lot when talking to homeschoolers pulling kids out of school, or concerned family and friends, is "decompression period". Kids get "squeezed" by school - their feelings as much as their behavior gets constricted. They need time to expand again, to feel all those feelings they shoved down. Some do it mixed in with spending a lot of time at the tv or games, books or computers - or skateboarding for that matter, depending on the kid ;) Others deal with emotional issues more directly by letting you know out loud and to your face all the junk that's been stored up for however long they've been stuffing it down.
Here's something you may have read about parents deschooling, but read it again with your dd in mind - she's in the middle of this transformation, not knowing what's next:
http://sandradodd.com/sandylubert
Those are all possibilities, for sure. I know, for sure, that people have brought issues like that to this list before, wrt kids deschooling, although often parents don't say "deschooling" they say "OMG what's happening, I pulled my kid out of school and now he/she is a vampire! waaaaaaa!" or something along those lines anyway ;) If you search for specific issues, rather than "deschooling" you might have better luck.
Experimenting with sleep is common during deschooling because sleep is one of the things that gets "compressed" from living by the school clock. Adolescents also experiment with sleep and often need more sleep - so you may have a "double whammy" in that regard.
Someone... can't think who, Erika, maybe? Describes adolescence as being like a second babyhood in some ways. If you had a baby who slept alot, its not uncommon to have an adolescent who sleeps a lot. If your baby needed to be held alot, hug your adolescent more! If you had a fussy baby, expect a cranky teen, I suppose :S
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>> Well, we have definitely been having some transitional issues.Transitional is a good word to keep in mind - deschooling is a transitional time. Transitions are challenging, emotionally! Even good transitions. Everything feels "up in the air".
An expression I use a lot when talking to homeschoolers pulling kids out of school, or concerned family and friends, is "decompression period". Kids get "squeezed" by school - their feelings as much as their behavior gets constricted. They need time to expand again, to feel all those feelings they shoved down. Some do it mixed in with spending a lot of time at the tv or games, books or computers - or skateboarding for that matter, depending on the kid ;) Others deal with emotional issues more directly by letting you know out loud and to your face all the junk that's been stored up for however long they've been stuffing it down.
Here's something you may have read about parents deschooling, but read it again with your dd in mind - she's in the middle of this transformation, not knowing what's next:
http://sandradodd.com/sandylubert
>> Do their sleep cycles get off? Do they need more sleep to catch up? Do they need to be close to Mom or Dad more? (Sort of clingy?)****************
Those are all possibilities, for sure. I know, for sure, that people have brought issues like that to this list before, wrt kids deschooling, although often parents don't say "deschooling" they say "OMG what's happening, I pulled my kid out of school and now he/she is a vampire! waaaaaaa!" or something along those lines anyway ;) If you search for specific issues, rather than "deschooling" you might have better luck.
Experimenting with sleep is common during deschooling because sleep is one of the things that gets "compressed" from living by the school clock. Adolescents also experiment with sleep and often need more sleep - so you may have a "double whammy" in that regard.
Someone... can't think who, Erika, maybe? Describes adolescence as being like a second babyhood in some ways. If you had a baby who slept alot, its not uncommon to have an adolescent who sleeps a lot. If your baby needed to be held alot, hug your adolescent more! If you had a fussy baby, expect a cranky teen, I suppose :S
>>But, at times (excuse the imagery) she emotionally vomits all over me.Consider that she's starting to feel safer, emotionally - she knows she *can* dump on you. In terms of healing, that's a good thing!
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)