Finding our way back home
Tina Tarbutton
I have a lot of questions, and I'm honestly not sure where to start. I
think explaining what brought me back to unschooling, and then into radical
unschooling may give me a way to get them all out.
My wonderful 10 y/o son Draven has been homeschooled for most of his life.
I joined the home-ed list when he was a few months old, quickly found out
about attachment parenting and did as much of that as possible, we had a
party the day he missed the kindergarten bus, and again when he missed the
first grade bus. By the beginning of his second grade year his father
(Dominick) and I were in the middle of a mostly-easy-but-still-crazy
divorce, and the person I had moved in with insisted she couldn't have a
child in her house during the school hours, so he enrolled in school. Up
until then we had been very eclectic, almost-unschoolers. A year and a half
later we had moved out of that person's house, his father had moved to
maryland (we live in florida) and I was six months into my relationship with
my partner (Parker). Draven was bored to tears in school, the school didn't
want to do anything about it, and so over the winter break I sat down with
Dominick (who was visiting us for the holiday) and Parker, and said I wanted
to bring him back home. Dominick was all for it, Parker was very uneasy,
but she hadn't fully stepped into a parenting role at that point and said
she would go along with it and see how it worked. We brought Draven into
the conversation and he lit up and then asked if he ever had to go back.
So, the day after Christmas break I started homeschooling in earnest, we
pulled out all the text books I could find, and I wrote up assignments, and
we did school. When he left to go to his fathers for the summer, I sent 2
boxes of work and text books for him to keep up his studies, and I checked
in with them regularly to make sure he was doing school and not wasting his
life on those silly video games.
I'm honestly not sure how I made the switch to being such a die-hard
school-at-home-er.
A year ago Parker and I both started working outside of the home. We both
have 35+ hour a week jobs at gas stations, plus she works overnight 2 nights
a week doing private home heath care. Our schedules vary constantly, and we
both work overnight quite often. At first when we both worked the same 8
hour shift Draven would spend that time at Parker's mom's house (which he
HATED), and when our schedules only overlapped by a few hours he would stay
home, checking in with us by phone if needed. Eventually he started just
staying home or if it was a weekend, at friends houses, because it was
better than the alternative. Things were pretty miserable. When we worked
overnight, we'd sleep most of the day, and since his bedtime was 9:30, he
was up early. So even when he wasn't home alone, he was alone. I would
check his work weekly (or every other week, or every third week) just
expecting him to keep up with it and do X number of pages a day. We were
all pretty miserable. He started asking to go to school.
So right before Christmas I went to check his work, and realized he hadn't
touched it in weeks. When we asked him what he did that day, he would tell
us he did some schoolwork, and would even tell us what he learned, but he
wasn't really doing anything. I flipped out about the lying, grounded him,
no TV, no Computer, no going outside, and he cried and yelled at the same
time "You promised me learning would always be fun, we used to do this
together, now it's just me with these boring horrible books." I started
crying, he was crying, and poor Parker was trying to figure out how to keep
the role of authoritarian in a house full of weeping people. So I grabbed
him, and I hugged him, and I said I was sorry, and I was wrong, and we would
fix the school work thing, but that he was still grounded for lying (Yes, I
really was that dense).
So, we decide to unschool. We're let him decide what to learn and when, and
we do it through TV and computer and real books. Parker and I start working
on our schedules with our managers to severely cut down on the time he's
home alone.
I also get rid of the bedtime, knowing that if he stays up late at night,
and sleeps in, he'll be more on our schedule, but the TV has to be off after
9. Parker leaves for work one night last week, but she forgot something, so
she comes back home, and he's sitting here watching TV, and he lies about
finishing a show he had been watching before she left (she let him finish
his show before she had him turn off the TV). So the next day, I freak out,
grounded again, this time we're packing up your toys too.
The whole time in the back of my head I'm thinking, he watched TV because he
needed some company while we were both at work, he lied because he knew he'd
get in trouble for the TV. This is NOT his fault.
And so I bring it up to Parker (who was raised by a military dad, and a
teacher mom, and is already kind of freaking about the unschooling idea),
and I say, that's it, we can't do this anymore.
So we talk and and I read, and we talk and I read, and we talk. I called
his dad and let him know what was going on as well. This weekend I managed
to work 3 overnight shifts and still get us out of the house on both
Saturday and Sunday to neat events in our community (something we hadn't
done in a long time). Yesterday Parker said, "This all makes sense, but how
do we do it". I told her to just start saying Yes. And we did.
Yesterday when we got home from the spring festival, and I had been up for
20 hours straight and had to be to work 5 hours later, I hear Draven call
down the hall "Mommy, Momma, can we cuddle before you go to sleep?" Yes!
"Can we watch TV while we're cuddling" Yes! Then later in the night after
I had left for work, and Parker was just waking up before she had to leave
"Mommy can I cuddle before you leave?" Yes! "Can I lay in your bed and
watch TV while you're at work?" Yes!
However, I'm also very lost in some areas.
We now have half packed boxes of toys in his room and in the living room,
art stuff that we found (it had been packed away in boxes) also all over the
place, and I've realized that to get the art stuff out, we're going to have
to get rid of some stuff, so we can fit it all, and I'm not really sure how
to let go of the fact that I had just grounded him (and still technically he
would be grounded if I hadn't snapped out of it).
Yesterday at the spring festival he saw a puppet he really liked. It was
$12, and we honestly had exactly $12 to our name, and the gas tank is empty
and we aren't getting a paycheck until Thursday, so I had to say no. I made
the no as soft as possible (maybe we can try to find one after we get paid,
we can look online and see if we can find them cheaper, and maybe we can
find directions for making one that makes it even less expensive) but it was
still a no, and he still gets very disappointed when we say no (although I
do have to mention that his disapointment was less harsh since I didn't just
say a flat out NO). We are a very low income family, with both of us making
less than $8 an hour. It's a often a struggle just to keep the rent paid
and the electric going. When it comes to buying things, unfortunately no is
very often the answer. I don't know how to fix that.
From what I've read, radical unschooling is about being very close to your
child at all times, well, we're a family where both of us have to work. We
did make some huge changes to our schedule and hopefully last night was the
LAST night we both work overnight at the same time. We've also changed our
schedule on the days that we work daytime, so that hopefully they won't
overlap more than 3-4 hours, and not more than once or twice a week.
However, with me working 3-4 overnights a week, I don't know how to fix it
to where I'm not sleeping for 1/2 the day. Advice would be wonderful,
knowing that other households have 2 parents working and make this work
would be wonderful too.
On one side it seems SO simple, but at the same time logistically I can't
figure out how to fix it all so that we can get this bills paid and he gets
his needs and wants met. Again, advice would be wonderful.
Also, he spends somewhere between one and three months at his dad's house
for the summer. I can't even imagine the whirlwind it's going to cause in
Draven's life if we're living this way, and his father is treating him like
a kid instead of like a person. His father is not a reader, and doesn't
react well when I tell him how to parent. I could use some serious advice
in that area.
I know the thing that mostly "sold" Parker on this style of living was when
I brought up how much pride we take in our ability to communicate with each
other, and then pointed out how horribly we communicate with Draven.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this book I have just written, and
I look forward to and advice and guidance I receive.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
think explaining what brought me back to unschooling, and then into radical
unschooling may give me a way to get them all out.
My wonderful 10 y/o son Draven has been homeschooled for most of his life.
I joined the home-ed list when he was a few months old, quickly found out
about attachment parenting and did as much of that as possible, we had a
party the day he missed the kindergarten bus, and again when he missed the
first grade bus. By the beginning of his second grade year his father
(Dominick) and I were in the middle of a mostly-easy-but-still-crazy
divorce, and the person I had moved in with insisted she couldn't have a
child in her house during the school hours, so he enrolled in school. Up
until then we had been very eclectic, almost-unschoolers. A year and a half
later we had moved out of that person's house, his father had moved to
maryland (we live in florida) and I was six months into my relationship with
my partner (Parker). Draven was bored to tears in school, the school didn't
want to do anything about it, and so over the winter break I sat down with
Dominick (who was visiting us for the holiday) and Parker, and said I wanted
to bring him back home. Dominick was all for it, Parker was very uneasy,
but she hadn't fully stepped into a parenting role at that point and said
she would go along with it and see how it worked. We brought Draven into
the conversation and he lit up and then asked if he ever had to go back.
So, the day after Christmas break I started homeschooling in earnest, we
pulled out all the text books I could find, and I wrote up assignments, and
we did school. When he left to go to his fathers for the summer, I sent 2
boxes of work and text books for him to keep up his studies, and I checked
in with them regularly to make sure he was doing school and not wasting his
life on those silly video games.
I'm honestly not sure how I made the switch to being such a die-hard
school-at-home-er.
A year ago Parker and I both started working outside of the home. We both
have 35+ hour a week jobs at gas stations, plus she works overnight 2 nights
a week doing private home heath care. Our schedules vary constantly, and we
both work overnight quite often. At first when we both worked the same 8
hour shift Draven would spend that time at Parker's mom's house (which he
HATED), and when our schedules only overlapped by a few hours he would stay
home, checking in with us by phone if needed. Eventually he started just
staying home or if it was a weekend, at friends houses, because it was
better than the alternative. Things were pretty miserable. When we worked
overnight, we'd sleep most of the day, and since his bedtime was 9:30, he
was up early. So even when he wasn't home alone, he was alone. I would
check his work weekly (or every other week, or every third week) just
expecting him to keep up with it and do X number of pages a day. We were
all pretty miserable. He started asking to go to school.
So right before Christmas I went to check his work, and realized he hadn't
touched it in weeks. When we asked him what he did that day, he would tell
us he did some schoolwork, and would even tell us what he learned, but he
wasn't really doing anything. I flipped out about the lying, grounded him,
no TV, no Computer, no going outside, and he cried and yelled at the same
time "You promised me learning would always be fun, we used to do this
together, now it's just me with these boring horrible books." I started
crying, he was crying, and poor Parker was trying to figure out how to keep
the role of authoritarian in a house full of weeping people. So I grabbed
him, and I hugged him, and I said I was sorry, and I was wrong, and we would
fix the school work thing, but that he was still grounded for lying (Yes, I
really was that dense).
So, we decide to unschool. We're let him decide what to learn and when, and
we do it through TV and computer and real books. Parker and I start working
on our schedules with our managers to severely cut down on the time he's
home alone.
I also get rid of the bedtime, knowing that if he stays up late at night,
and sleeps in, he'll be more on our schedule, but the TV has to be off after
9. Parker leaves for work one night last week, but she forgot something, so
she comes back home, and he's sitting here watching TV, and he lies about
finishing a show he had been watching before she left (she let him finish
his show before she had him turn off the TV). So the next day, I freak out,
grounded again, this time we're packing up your toys too.
The whole time in the back of my head I'm thinking, he watched TV because he
needed some company while we were both at work, he lied because he knew he'd
get in trouble for the TV. This is NOT his fault.
And so I bring it up to Parker (who was raised by a military dad, and a
teacher mom, and is already kind of freaking about the unschooling idea),
and I say, that's it, we can't do this anymore.
So we talk and and I read, and we talk and I read, and we talk. I called
his dad and let him know what was going on as well. This weekend I managed
to work 3 overnight shifts and still get us out of the house on both
Saturday and Sunday to neat events in our community (something we hadn't
done in a long time). Yesterday Parker said, "This all makes sense, but how
do we do it". I told her to just start saying Yes. And we did.
Yesterday when we got home from the spring festival, and I had been up for
20 hours straight and had to be to work 5 hours later, I hear Draven call
down the hall "Mommy, Momma, can we cuddle before you go to sleep?" Yes!
"Can we watch TV while we're cuddling" Yes! Then later in the night after
I had left for work, and Parker was just waking up before she had to leave
"Mommy can I cuddle before you leave?" Yes! "Can I lay in your bed and
watch TV while you're at work?" Yes!
However, I'm also very lost in some areas.
We now have half packed boxes of toys in his room and in the living room,
art stuff that we found (it had been packed away in boxes) also all over the
place, and I've realized that to get the art stuff out, we're going to have
to get rid of some stuff, so we can fit it all, and I'm not really sure how
to let go of the fact that I had just grounded him (and still technically he
would be grounded if I hadn't snapped out of it).
Yesterday at the spring festival he saw a puppet he really liked. It was
$12, and we honestly had exactly $12 to our name, and the gas tank is empty
and we aren't getting a paycheck until Thursday, so I had to say no. I made
the no as soft as possible (maybe we can try to find one after we get paid,
we can look online and see if we can find them cheaper, and maybe we can
find directions for making one that makes it even less expensive) but it was
still a no, and he still gets very disappointed when we say no (although I
do have to mention that his disapointment was less harsh since I didn't just
say a flat out NO). We are a very low income family, with both of us making
less than $8 an hour. It's a often a struggle just to keep the rent paid
and the electric going. When it comes to buying things, unfortunately no is
very often the answer. I don't know how to fix that.
From what I've read, radical unschooling is about being very close to your
child at all times, well, we're a family where both of us have to work. We
did make some huge changes to our schedule and hopefully last night was the
LAST night we both work overnight at the same time. We've also changed our
schedule on the days that we work daytime, so that hopefully they won't
overlap more than 3-4 hours, and not more than once or twice a week.
However, with me working 3-4 overnights a week, I don't know how to fix it
to where I'm not sleeping for 1/2 the day. Advice would be wonderful,
knowing that other households have 2 parents working and make this work
would be wonderful too.
On one side it seems SO simple, but at the same time logistically I can't
figure out how to fix it all so that we can get this bills paid and he gets
his needs and wants met. Again, advice would be wonderful.
Also, he spends somewhere between one and three months at his dad's house
for the summer. I can't even imagine the whirlwind it's going to cause in
Draven's life if we're living this way, and his father is treating him like
a kid instead of like a person. His father is not a reader, and doesn't
react well when I tell him how to parent. I could use some serious advice
in that area.
I know the thing that mostly "sold" Parker on this style of living was when
I brought up how much pride we take in our ability to communicate with each
other, and then pointed out how horribly we communicate with Draven.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this book I have just written, and
I look forward to and advice and guidance I receive.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...> wrote:
Or it may not be. We have a few masonite boards that are 18"x24" that are great for being hard, smooth, and portable surfaces. Mo uses them to draw or paint or write - even to build with legos - when things are on the cluttered end of the housekeeping spectrum. They're the sort of thing you can set on top of a anything - a box, a bed, a trash can - and make an instant table. I don't recall where we go them, but anything hard and flat about that size is super-handy.
I'll be back with more later - I'm at work and my break is over ;)
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>> We now have half packed boxes of toys in his room and in the living room,Maybe that's a project your son can tackle sometime when you're at work - deciding what *he* can let go of in terms of toys. Its something he can do watching tv ;) and it brings him into the decision making process. Is He interested in doing "art stuff"? If so, it might be sort-of obvious that y'all need a little space.
> art stuff that we found (it had been packed away in boxes) also all over the
> place, and I've realized that to get the art stuff out, we're going to have
> to get rid of some stuff, so we can fit it all
Or it may not be. We have a few masonite boards that are 18"x24" that are great for being hard, smooth, and portable surfaces. Mo uses them to draw or paint or write - even to build with legos - when things are on the cluttered end of the housekeeping spectrum. They're the sort of thing you can set on top of a anything - a box, a bed, a trash can - and make an instant table. I don't recall where we go them, but anything hard and flat about that size is super-handy.
>>I'm not really sure howKeep saying yes. If he asks "am I still grounded?" you can say "No, I'm sorry. I'm trying to stop doing that, I don't think its very helpful, but its a bad habit I've gotten into. Hopefully I'll do better next time." Statements like that (and I promise you'll get other opportunities to say things like that, one of the benefits of being human) help kids see that adults aren't super-heros, we're fallible people trying to figure things out. That's a Good thing, although popular "wisdom" often says otherwise. Kids need to know they aren't expected to grow up to Be superheros - its okay if They don't have everything figured out now, or when they're 18. Besides that, its more than a little obvious to kids that parents are human! Holding imaginary lines as though we're always in the right flies in the face of what they can clearly see as true (that sometimes we make mistakes). That's a mixed message that wears on relationships.
> to let go of the fact that I had just grounded him (and still technically he
> would be grounded if I hadn't snapped out of it).
I'll be back with more later - I'm at work and my break is over ;)
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], Tina Tarbutton <tina.tarbutton@...> wrote:
Even now we tend to buy a lot second hand, and that can help slim finances go further. Pawn shops are good to browse, especially for things like electronics.
Something else that might help is to offer him a no-strings-attached allowance. I may not be as much as you'd like, but it gives him the option of spending money without asking you, and that can feel really good to some kids.
No-one likes to be told how to parent if they haven't asked for help/information. You can offer him "what's been working at our house" comments and see how they're received, but be ready to back down at once. It won't help to have dad resistant. Its also a good idea to ask your son what, if anything, he thinks you could do to help. Would it help to make a push to shift his sleep habits back to "normal" a week or two before going to his dad's for instance?
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>We are a very low income family, with both of us makingWe've had some ups and downs, financially, and still have a pretty lean budget, although not as bad as some points in the past. When finances have been the tightest, we went to yard sales and thrift stores for the most part so that it was possible to say Yes more. If you have a "Dollar Tree" - one of those stores where everythings one dollar or less - that makes another place to have a "yes fest". I know it helps my state of mind to be able to go out and get a couple candles, or some bath salts - something for a little self-love, and I know the kids brighten up, too, when things have been hard to say "lets go out and spend this $5!"
> less than $8 an hour. It's a often a struggle just to keep the rent paid
> and the electric going. When it comes to buying things, unfortunately no is
> very often the answer. I don't know how to fix that.
Even now we tend to buy a lot second hand, and that can help slim finances go further. Pawn shops are good to browse, especially for things like electronics.
Something else that might help is to offer him a no-strings-attached allowance. I may not be as much as you'd like, but it gives him the option of spending money without asking you, and that can feel really good to some kids.
> From what I've read, radical unschooling is about being very close to yourWith younger children, that's often true, but as kids get older they don't need quite as much of us. It sounds like you're trying to be creative with scheduling so that y'all can be together as much as possible, and that's really the juggling act. With time and practice you get better at it - and as you said, things like realizing your guy staying up late means he's closer to your sleep schedule can make a big difference. Most of the time there's not one single solution, but a collection of strategies that all help sometimes (but not all the time).
> child at all times, well, we're a family where both of us have to work.
>>> Also, he spends somewhere between one and three months at his dad's houseNo matter what, you can't control his relationship with his dad or what happens over there. Ray's my stepson, and his bio mom isn't on board with unschooling at all. As he's gotten older, he's figured out how to have a relationship with her that feels okay to him, but it was rough for a couple years. Things are very different at her house.
> for the summer. I can't even imagine the whirlwind it's going to cause in
> Draven's life if we're living this way, and his father is treating him like
> a kid instead of like a person.
No-one likes to be told how to parent if they haven't asked for help/information. You can offer him "what's been working at our house" comments and see how they're received, but be ready to back down at once. It won't help to have dad resistant. Its also a good idea to ask your son what, if anything, he thinks you could do to help. Would it help to make a push to shift his sleep habits back to "normal" a week or two before going to his dad's for instance?
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
Faith Void
I would like to write more but have limited time at the moment. I want to
write something I have been thinking about for some time now. we have been
rather tight financially the past couple of years. There are many more
"noes" than I would like to have for my children. What I have decided for me
and how I view life for my family is that we would be just scraping by
whether we unschooled or not. Parenting them the way we do and living the
life we do enables more joy than would be in my children's lives otherwise.
School would just cause more problems instead of solve things, for us.
Some things that work for us are an allowance. My two older kids have at
least a little of their own money. We have vision boards so when money is
available we can use it towards something that someone really wants rather
than a spur of the moment item. (not that spur of the moment is bad just it
wasn't working for my kids). I read freecycle and craigslist daily. I seek
out things that I know my kids will love or that they have requested. We
barter with folks. We shop at thrift stores and yard sales.
I look for ways to turn a NO into a YES. It isn't always possible but often
I a pleasantly surprised when it can be.
For now
Faith
On Mon, Mar 22, 2010 at 11:23 AM, Tina Tarbutton
<tina.tarbutton@...>wrote:
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
write something I have been thinking about for some time now. we have been
rather tight financially the past couple of years. There are many more
"noes" than I would like to have for my children. What I have decided for me
and how I view life for my family is that we would be just scraping by
whether we unschooled or not. Parenting them the way we do and living the
life we do enables more joy than would be in my children's lives otherwise.
School would just cause more problems instead of solve things, for us.
Some things that work for us are an allowance. My two older kids have at
least a little of their own money. We have vision boards so when money is
available we can use it towards something that someone really wants rather
than a spur of the moment item. (not that spur of the moment is bad just it
wasn't working for my kids). I read freecycle and craigslist daily. I seek
out things that I know my kids will love or that they have requested. We
barter with folks. We shop at thrift stores and yard sales.
I look for ways to turn a NO into a YES. It isn't always possible but often
I a pleasantly surprised when it can be.
For now
Faith
On Mon, Mar 22, 2010 at 11:23 AM, Tina Tarbutton
<tina.tarbutton@...>wrote:
>--
> Yesterday at the spring festival he saw a puppet he really liked. It was
> $12, and we honestly had exactly $12 to our name, and the gas tank is empty
> and we aren't getting a paycheck until Thursday, so I had to say no. I made
> the no as soft as possible (maybe we can try to find one after we get paid,
> we can look online and see if we can find them cheaper, and maybe we can
> find directions for making one that makes it even less expensive) but it
> was
> still a no, and he still gets very disappointed when we say no (although I
> do have to mention that his disapointment was less harsh since I didn't
> just
> say a flat out NO). We are a very low income family, with both of us making
> less than $8 an hour. It's a often a struggle just to keep the rent paid
> and the electric going. When it comes to buying things, unfortunately no is
> very often the answer. I don't know how to fix that.
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> __.
>
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]