What should I do?
Amanda Pillow
Hi. I introduced myself, but have not had a question til now. I
know you all cover many, many topics in this group, but I have a
specific one for my situation. Thanks for reading...
We are a family of four kids, myself, and my husband. We have for my
years now, been very 'mainstream' in our parenting..ie,
punishment/reward system, public school, curriculum based
homeschooling, etc. I could go on, but you get the idea. I found
out about unschooling as regards to a method for *learning* and fell
hard and fast for it, really feeling in my heart like it was how it
should have been all along. More recently, I have began reading and
learning more about unschooling as a 'lifestyle'....ie, respect,
bedtimes, etc. I had a hard time swallowing the *no bedtime*
suggestion.
The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kids
decide when they go to bed. (Now, I don't know if I went about this
all wrong, and I hope you can tell me otherwise if I 'messed up')
They were thrilled. They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up with
them. We had a great time. We dug in my scrap box of fabric, picked
out fabric, hand-sewed a little, watched a movie. Finally, at 3:30
am, I was sooooooo exhausted, I had to go to bed. (I get up every
morning at 5:30 am because I have an online business, and I work on
my craft and business at that time, before the kids are up, so I can
spend the rest of the day with them.) So I told them we had to go
ahead and go to bed. They were half asleep and were not happy about
going to bed at 3:30am. Should I have let them stay up while I went
to bed? They are only 5,6,7 and 10, and I was afraid for their
safety, I suppose.
Then, we told my husband about them staying up late and decided he
did not like the fact I was "letting them do as they please", etc.
It has caused problems in our relationship and I don't know how to
explain it to him, or how to 'get him on board'. He is very
traditional in his parenting 'skills'... which from what I am
learning, we have BOTH been way off on our 'skills'. I am trying to
do better as a parent, but I don't know how to handle that he won't
listen to me about what I am trying to do. I caved in and for the
past few nights have been putting them to bed at a 'decent' hour, and
it has been hell here. They were instantly in great moods and even
*gasp* getting along better just from that one night..(although my
follow-through with it failed.) Now, they are confused because I seem
to be vascilating (sp?) back and forth.
I tried talking to my mother (who is normally very open-minded) and
she thinks the techniques for living this way will result in (and I
quote) 'panty-waist kids who think they are entitled to every little
whim'. Well.. it ticked me off and I feel very frustrated and quite
lonely right now. If someone has any suggestions, it would be
appreciated. Thanks sooo much.
Amanda
know you all cover many, many topics in this group, but I have a
specific one for my situation. Thanks for reading...
We are a family of four kids, myself, and my husband. We have for my
years now, been very 'mainstream' in our parenting..ie,
punishment/reward system, public school, curriculum based
homeschooling, etc. I could go on, but you get the idea. I found
out about unschooling as regards to a method for *learning* and fell
hard and fast for it, really feeling in my heart like it was how it
should have been all along. More recently, I have began reading and
learning more about unschooling as a 'lifestyle'....ie, respect,
bedtimes, etc. I had a hard time swallowing the *no bedtime*
suggestion.
The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kids
decide when they go to bed. (Now, I don't know if I went about this
all wrong, and I hope you can tell me otherwise if I 'messed up')
They were thrilled. They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up with
them. We had a great time. We dug in my scrap box of fabric, picked
out fabric, hand-sewed a little, watched a movie. Finally, at 3:30
am, I was sooooooo exhausted, I had to go to bed. (I get up every
morning at 5:30 am because I have an online business, and I work on
my craft and business at that time, before the kids are up, so I can
spend the rest of the day with them.) So I told them we had to go
ahead and go to bed. They were half asleep and were not happy about
going to bed at 3:30am. Should I have let them stay up while I went
to bed? They are only 5,6,7 and 10, and I was afraid for their
safety, I suppose.
Then, we told my husband about them staying up late and decided he
did not like the fact I was "letting them do as they please", etc.
It has caused problems in our relationship and I don't know how to
explain it to him, or how to 'get him on board'. He is very
traditional in his parenting 'skills'... which from what I am
learning, we have BOTH been way off on our 'skills'. I am trying to
do better as a parent, but I don't know how to handle that he won't
listen to me about what I am trying to do. I caved in and for the
past few nights have been putting them to bed at a 'decent' hour, and
it has been hell here. They were instantly in great moods and even
*gasp* getting along better just from that one night..(although my
follow-through with it failed.) Now, they are confused because I seem
to be vascilating (sp?) back and forth.
I tried talking to my mother (who is normally very open-minded) and
she thinks the techniques for living this way will result in (and I
quote) 'panty-waist kids who think they are entitled to every little
whim'. Well.. it ticked me off and I feel very frustrated and quite
lonely right now. If someone has any suggestions, it would be
appreciated. Thanks sooo much.
Amanda
Therese
I wanted to share this article that helped me a bit with my DH.
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
About bedtime.. I refuse to be the bedtime police. If HE wants them
to be in bed at X hour, HE can give them their baths an hour before,
read them their stories and lay down with them to get them to go to
sleep. Most of the time he doesn't want to do that or he's working,
so he's not home and they stay up. (But my kids are 2 and 4 and co-
sleep so I don't know how helpful that is for you!)
Blessings to you! Its not an easy path this unschooling stuff! I
don't 'talk' to my mother or MIL about these things anymore.. I find
that its easier for me to talk about all the positive and none of the
negative- that stuff is saved for my online friends. ;) Someone said
it before, but if you care very much what other people think, this
journey will be more difficult.
Therese
http://familyrun.ning.com/profile/HomeOfTheFree
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Pillow"
<funkymamaof4@...> wrote:
it should have been all along. More recently, I have began reading
and learning more about unschooling as a 'lifestyle'....ie, respect,
picked out fabric, hand-sewed a little, watched a movie. Finally, at
3:30 am, I was sooooooo exhausted, I had to go to bed. (I get up
every morning at 5:30 am because I have an online business, and I
work on my craft and business at that time, before the kids are up,
so I can spend the rest of the day with them.) So I told them we had
to go ahead and go to bed. They were half asleep and were not happy
about going to bed at 3:30am. Should I have let them stay up while I
went to bed? They are only 5,6,7 and 10, and I was afraid for their
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
About bedtime.. I refuse to be the bedtime police. If HE wants them
to be in bed at X hour, HE can give them their baths an hour before,
read them their stories and lay down with them to get them to go to
sleep. Most of the time he doesn't want to do that or he's working,
so he's not home and they stay up. (But my kids are 2 and 4 and co-
sleep so I don't know how helpful that is for you!)
Blessings to you! Its not an easy path this unschooling stuff! I
don't 'talk' to my mother or MIL about these things anymore.. I find
that its easier for me to talk about all the positive and none of the
negative- that stuff is saved for my online friends. ;) Someone said
it before, but if you care very much what other people think, this
journey will be more difficult.
Therese
http://familyrun.ning.com/profile/HomeOfTheFree
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Pillow"
<funkymamaof4@...> wrote:
>my years now, been very 'mainstream' in our parenting..ie,
> Hi. I introduced myself, but have not had a question til now. I
> know you all cover many, many topics in this group, but I have a
> specific one for my situation. Thanks for reading...
>
> We are a family of four kids, myself, and my husband. We have for
> punishment/reward system, public school, curriculum basedfell hard and fast for it, really feeling in my heart like it was how
> homeschooling, etc. I could go on, but you get the idea. I found
> out about unschooling as regards to a method for *learning* and
it should have been all along. More recently, I have began reading
and learning more about unschooling as a 'lifestyle'....ie, respect,
> bedtimes, etc. I had a hard time swallowing the *no bedtime*with them. We had a great time. We dug in my scrap box of fabric,
> suggestion.
>
> The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kids
> decide when they go to bed. (Now, I don't know if I went about this
> all wrong, and I hope you can tell me otherwise if I 'messed up')
> They were thrilled. They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up
picked out fabric, hand-sewed a little, watched a movie. Finally, at
3:30 am, I was sooooooo exhausted, I had to go to bed. (I get up
every morning at 5:30 am because I have an online business, and I
work on my craft and business at that time, before the kids are up,
so I can spend the rest of the day with them.) So I told them we had
to go ahead and go to bed. They were half asleep and were not happy
about going to bed at 3:30am. Should I have let them stay up while I
went to bed? They are only 5,6,7 and 10, and I was afraid for their
> safety, I suppose.to
>
> Then, we told my husband about them staying up late and decided he
> did not like the fact I was "letting them do as they please", etc.
> It has caused problems in our relationship and I don't know how to
> explain it to him, or how to 'get him on board'. He is very
> traditional in his parenting 'skills'... which from what I am
> learning, we have BOTH been way off on our 'skills'. I am trying
> do better as a parent, but I don't know how to handle that he won'tand
> listen to me about what I am trying to do. I caved in and for the
> past few nights have been putting them to bed at a 'decent' hour,
> it has been hell here. They were instantly in great moods and evenseem
> *gasp* getting along better just from that one night..(although my
> follow-through with it failed.) Now, they are confused because I
> to be vascilating (sp?) back and forth.little
>
> I tried talking to my mother (who is normally very open-minded) and
> she thinks the techniques for living this way will result in (and I
> quote) 'panty-waist kids who think they are entitled to every
> whim'. Well.. it ticked me off and I feel very frustrated andquite
> lonely right now. If someone has any suggestions, it would be
> appreciated. Thanks sooo much.
>
> Amanda
>
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Arun's article s awesome.
This is another great post by a dad:
http://freeboysdad.blogspot.com/2008/07/youre-on-crack.html
there are other great posts there too.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This is another great post by a dad:
http://freeboysdad.blogspot.com/2008/07/youre-on-crack.html
there are other great posts there too.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathleen Gehrke
Hi Amanda,
Bedtimes used to be an issue for us too. I am tired at night. Like
you I start out early and I am worn out by ten pm. Dh also works
early and hard.
What has evolved for us were some guidelines around mutual respect. I
do not tell the kids to go to bed. We do however have a quiet time.
When folks start going to bed it is time to respect that and have a
mellower time. My younger kids head to their bedrooms. They can draw,
surf the net, read, watch tv, play whatever just quietly. With the
younger ones I have suggested snacks they can have if hungry and I am
asleep. I keep them available.The older kids just respect our sleep
time in the same way I respect theirs. I wait for loud activities
until everyone is moving.
When I really started thinking about bedtimes and considered if my dh
or someone else sent me to bed, told me I had to sleep. It felt very
very disrespectful.
Now my kids have just finished swim team and during meets and early
practice I may remind them that we have to be up at six am to get to
our destination for swimming. But I do not tell them to go to sleep.
lol. Saturday my two oldest at home came home from the state meet and
were in bed by nine.
As far as dh, it sometimes does take longer for dhs to get on board.
We do not all run on the same schedule as far as our unschooling
curve..lol. But unschooling does not mean kids do whatever whenever.
It means we are partnering with them in exploring the world in a way
they find interesting. It means we are respecting them and helping
them meet their needs.
In my experience unschooled kids are not panty waists but extremely
independent, articulate, and self confident. I think honoring who
they are is the same gift I give myself today.
Kathleen
Bedtimes used to be an issue for us too. I am tired at night. Like
you I start out early and I am worn out by ten pm. Dh also works
early and hard.
What has evolved for us were some guidelines around mutual respect. I
do not tell the kids to go to bed. We do however have a quiet time.
When folks start going to bed it is time to respect that and have a
mellower time. My younger kids head to their bedrooms. They can draw,
surf the net, read, watch tv, play whatever just quietly. With the
younger ones I have suggested snacks they can have if hungry and I am
asleep. I keep them available.The older kids just respect our sleep
time in the same way I respect theirs. I wait for loud activities
until everyone is moving.
When I really started thinking about bedtimes and considered if my dh
or someone else sent me to bed, told me I had to sleep. It felt very
very disrespectful.
Now my kids have just finished swim team and during meets and early
practice I may remind them that we have to be up at six am to get to
our destination for swimming. But I do not tell them to go to sleep.
lol. Saturday my two oldest at home came home from the state meet and
were in bed by nine.
As far as dh, it sometimes does take longer for dhs to get on board.
We do not all run on the same schedule as far as our unschooling
curve..lol. But unschooling does not mean kids do whatever whenever.
It means we are partnering with them in exploring the world in a way
they find interesting. It means we are respecting them and helping
them meet their needs.
In my experience unschooled kids are not panty waists but extremely
independent, articulate, and self confident. I think honoring who
they are is the same gift I give myself today.
Kathleen
Melissa Gray
So...in your family, what is unschooling looking like right now?
Because it is all intertwined...If kids are restricted in other ways
and given freedom in only one or two ways, then they will probably
choose to exercise that freedom to the extreme. Not to mention, that
the first times they are given freedom, they are going to stretch
much further than they are even happy with, because of the need to be
autonomous.
It took my older children more than a year to get to a point where
they could admit their exhaustion.
I am wondering how you approached this also. Did you just announce,
that tonight they could stay up as late as they want? Because that
would not have worked for us when we started unschooling. We would
have gotten exactly what you got, and sick kids on top of that (I
don't know why, but if Josh gets sleep deprived, he throws up) I can
only imagine that they were so tired at that point they were even
more outraged when you 'changed' your mind and sent them to bed.
In hindsight, what I would have done was maybe extend bedtime for a
few weeks. Instead of say, 9pm, make it 10 or 11pm. Use that time to
play and sew and craft. Then at that time ask about baths, snuggles,
stories. Also, if they were already laying around watching a movie, I
probably would have just covered them with blankets and said, I'm
going to bed, I'll see you in the morning. My five year old is
probably the best for leaving alone...he knows the expectations: We
don't go outside, we play quietly while others are sleeping, no
cooking without mom. I have a snack tray that I refill at about 9pm
so that they can help themselves.
Just some thoughts off the top of my head. Hope it helps some.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com
Because it is all intertwined...If kids are restricted in other ways
and given freedom in only one or two ways, then they will probably
choose to exercise that freedom to the extreme. Not to mention, that
the first times they are given freedom, they are going to stretch
much further than they are even happy with, because of the need to be
autonomous.
It took my older children more than a year to get to a point where
they could admit their exhaustion.
I am wondering how you approached this also. Did you just announce,
that tonight they could stay up as late as they want? Because that
would not have worked for us when we started unschooling. We would
have gotten exactly what you got, and sick kids on top of that (I
don't know why, but if Josh gets sleep deprived, he throws up) I can
only imagine that they were so tired at that point they were even
more outraged when you 'changed' your mind and sent them to bed.
In hindsight, what I would have done was maybe extend bedtime for a
few weeks. Instead of say, 9pm, make it 10 or 11pm. Use that time to
play and sew and craft. Then at that time ask about baths, snuggles,
stories. Also, if they were already laying around watching a movie, I
probably would have just covered them with blankets and said, I'm
going to bed, I'll see you in the morning. My five year old is
probably the best for leaving alone...he knows the expectations: We
don't go outside, we play quietly while others are sleeping, no
cooking without mom. I have a snack tray that I refill at about 9pm
so that they can help themselves.
Just some thoughts off the top of my head. Hope it helps some.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com
On Aug 3, 2008, at 9:50 PM, Amanda Pillow wrote:
> Hi. I introduced myself, but have not had a question til now. I
> know you all cover many, many topics in this group, but I have a
> specific one for my situation. Thanks for reading...
>
> We are a family of four kids, myself, and my husband. We have for my
> years now, been very 'mainstream' in our parenting..ie,
> punishment/reward system, public school, curriculum based
> homeschooling, etc. I could go on, but you get the idea. I found
> out about unschooling as regards to a method for *learning* and fell
> hard and fast for it, really feeling in my heart like it was how it
> should have been all along. More recently, I have began reading and
> learning more about unschooling as a 'lifestyle'....ie, respect,
> bedtimes, etc. I had a hard time swallowing the *no bedtime*
> suggestion.
>
> The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kids
> decide when they go to bed. (Now, I don't know if I went about this
> all wrong, and I hope you can tell me otherwise if I 'messed up')
> They were thrilled. They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up with
> them. We had a great time. We dug in my scrap box of fabric, picked
> out fabric, hand-sewed a little, watched a movie. Finally, at 3:30
> am, I was sooooooo exhausted, I had to go to bed. (I get up every
> morning at 5:30 am because I have an online business, and I work on
> my craft and business at that time, before the kids are up, so I can
> spend the rest of the day with them.) So I told them we had to go
> ahead and go to bed. They were half asleep and were not happy about
> going to bed at 3:30am. Should I have let them stay up while I went
> to bed? They are only 5,6,7 and 10, and I was afraid for their
> safety, I suppose.
>
> Then, we told my husband about them staying up late and decided he
> did not like the fact I was "letting them do as they please", etc.
> It has caused problems in our relationship and I don't know how to
> explain it to him, or how to 'get him on board'. He is very
> traditional in his parenting 'skills'... which from what I am
> learning, we have BOTH been way off on our 'skills'. I am trying to
> do better as a parent, but I don't know how to handle that he won't
> listen to me about what I am trying to do. I caved in and for the
> past few nights have been putting them to bed at a 'decent' hour, and
> it has been hell here. They were instantly in great moods and even
> *gasp* getting along better just from that one night..(although my
> follow-through with it failed.) Now, they are confused because I seem
> to be vascilating (sp?) back and forth.
>
> I tried talking to my mother (who is normally very open-minded) and
> she thinks the techniques for living this way will result in (and I
> quote) 'panty-waist kids who think they are entitled to every little
> whim'. Well.. it ticked me off and I feel very frustrated and quite
> lonely right now. If someone has any suggestions, it would be
> appreciated. Thanks sooo much.
>
> Amanda
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
carnationsgalore
> The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kidsFirst thing you need to remember is if you are removing a limitation
> decide when they go to bed.
> They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up with them.
or restriction, it will seem like a piece of heaven and the kids will
do it as much as they can. They aren't really sure if you mean the
removal to be forever so they are going to go all out just in case
it's pulled away from them.
Another thing to keep in mind is that everyone's sleep needs may be
different. If you can't stay up super late because of an early
morning committment, then you need to explain that to the kids.
That is real life learning and you're modeling life for them. If
they choose to stay up late, the family needs to work together to
meet everyone's needs without disrespecting other family members.
In our home, the working parent is Dad (my husband). He likes to go
to bed around 10:30pm. When he goes to bed, the rest of us do quiet
things so as not to disturb his sleep. We can still watch tv, play
games together, read, be on the internet, etc. Sometimes I go to bed
around 11pm because I just can't keep my eyes open. My kids can stay
up, doing the same quiet things as when I'm awake. When we let go of
bedtimes, it did seem like we were having a slumber party every
night. The kids were so excited at being awake past bedtime! But
over time, the thrill has gone away and now we just do our own things
and sleep when we feel ready to sleep.
We have also had to be creative to meet everyone's needs. Sometimes
my kids want to stay up watching tv but they were uncomfortable in
the living room alone. They have a tv, computer and video game
system in their room along with their toys, books and collections.
Explaining unschooling to an unsupportive family member can be
tricky. That might be best discussed as a separate topic, maybe even
by separating concerns. Your husband really needs to be on board
with the parenting style or your relationship can have problems which
will also affect the children. You might want to try slowing down
the transition into total life unschooling. Read about it and
discuss it with your husband. He'll be working through his own
issues just like you're having to face and work through your own.
Beth M.
Amanda Pillow
Thanks to all of you who responded. Unschooling right now really only covers our 'learning'. We still have restrictions on everyday life, I don't spend near enough time interacting with my kids, I am trying to balance helping to make a living, spending time with my husband and children, etc. I *soooooooooo* appreciate the advice you all have given to me. It's so hard when you know deeeeeep down that living a certain way is going to be the very best for your family, but I have felt lost in the transitioning.. I like the idea of taking it slow. I read and am learning all I can about living life this way, and it's like I can see the other side, I want to get there as quickly as possible, but I do have to take it slower and help everyone, including myself, with the changes happening.
You are absolutely right in saying the children were not sure if being able to stay up late was going to be taken away from them, and they were taking it to extreme.... and then I reinforced the fact that it was taken away, so we are in chaos once again. I see now where I slipped up and I truly appreciate what you all have suggested. Thank you so much. I can now move on, instead of beating myself up about what I have done wrong.
Peace and Love to all~Amanda
PS I am sure I will be back with more questions. :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You are absolutely right in saying the children were not sure if being able to stay up late was going to be taken away from them, and they were taking it to extreme.... and then I reinforced the fact that it was taken away, so we are in chaos once again. I see now where I slipped up and I truly appreciate what you all have suggested. Thank you so much. I can now move on, instead of beating myself up about what I have done wrong.
Peace and Love to all~Amanda
PS I am sure I will be back with more questions. :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
If you already haven't read:
http://sandradodd.com/beginning
and the links in the bottom of the page
and this:
http://sandradodd.com/kellylovejoy/stages
and many more at Sandra's site
and Joyce's site:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://sandradodd.com/beginning
and the links in the bottom of the page
and this:
http://sandradodd.com/kellylovejoy/stages
and many more at Sandra's site
and Joyce's site:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Shannon
Sorry for the late post, my computer was down for two days. I hope to get to
this point. My hubby sees the night time as his alone time and I feel the
need to be in bed some where between 10 and 12. We have an almost eight year
old, a three and a half year old and a six month old - my eight year old
would probably fall asleep on the sofa but I fear what my three year old
would do if left to her own devices. Her thing right now is markers and
scissors and while I do find creative thing for her to cut and draw on. I do
not want to wake up to my walls and furniture drawn on and all my cords cut.
the invention of the cut-up box was inspired by my daughter cutting up an
extension cord and my phone charger for my cell phone. Usually I would have
freaked out about it but you all have had a good influence on me and I
grabbed a child friendly box and threw the cords from both - minus the
electrical plug (I don't need new experiments of that kind) plus some other
interesting stuff and her scissors in the box. but I digress.
My infant pretty much goes to bed when I do though he has taken up this
nasty habit of wanting to be up between 10 and 3 in the morning - I just let
him play on the bed. I would love to be able to let them have no bed time
but one DH is against it and two once DH goes to bed how do I make sure the
house looks close to what it looked like when I went to bed?
Shannon
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of carnationsgalore
Sent: Monday, August 04, 2008 11:57 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
or restriction, it will seem like a piece of heaven and the kids will
do it as much as they can. They aren't really sure if you mean the
removal to be forever so they are going to go all out just in case
it's pulled away from them.
Another thing to keep in mind is that everyone's sleep needs may be
different. If you can't stay up super late because of an early
morning committment, then you need to explain that to the kids.
That is real life learning and you're modeling life for them. If
they choose to stay up late, the family needs to work together to
meet everyone's needs without disrespecting other family members.
In our home, the working parent is Dad (my husband). He likes to go
to bed around 10:30pm. When he goes to bed, the rest of us do quiet
things so as not to disturb his sleep. We can still watch tv, play
games together, read, be on the internet, etc. Sometimes I go to bed
around 11pm because I just can't keep my eyes open. My kids can stay
up, doing the same quiet things as when I'm awake. When we let go of
bedtimes, it did seem like we were having a slumber party every
night. The kids were so excited at being awake past bedtime! But
over time, the thrill has gone away and now we just do our own things
and sleep when we feel ready to sleep.
We have also had to be creative to meet everyone's needs. Sometimes
my kids want to stay up watching tv but they were uncomfortable in
the living room alone. They have a tv, computer and video game
system in their room along with their toys, books and collections.
Explaining unschooling to an unsupportive family member can be
tricky. That might be best discussed as a separate topic, maybe even
by separating concerns. Your husband really needs to be on board
with the parenting style or your relationship can have problems which
will also affect the children. You might want to try slowing down
the transition into total life unschooling. Read about it and
discuss it with your husband. He'll be working through his own
issues just like you're having to face and work through your own.
Beth M.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
this point. My hubby sees the night time as his alone time and I feel the
need to be in bed some where between 10 and 12. We have an almost eight year
old, a three and a half year old and a six month old - my eight year old
would probably fall asleep on the sofa but I fear what my three year old
would do if left to her own devices. Her thing right now is markers and
scissors and while I do find creative thing for her to cut and draw on. I do
not want to wake up to my walls and furniture drawn on and all my cords cut.
the invention of the cut-up box was inspired by my daughter cutting up an
extension cord and my phone charger for my cell phone. Usually I would have
freaked out about it but you all have had a good influence on me and I
grabbed a child friendly box and threw the cords from both - minus the
electrical plug (I don't need new experiments of that kind) plus some other
interesting stuff and her scissors in the box. but I digress.
My infant pretty much goes to bed when I do though he has taken up this
nasty habit of wanting to be up between 10 and 3 in the morning - I just let
him play on the bed. I would love to be able to let them have no bed time
but one DH is against it and two once DH goes to bed how do I make sure the
house looks close to what it looked like when I went to bed?
Shannon
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of carnationsgalore
Sent: Monday, August 04, 2008 11:57 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
> The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kidsFirst thing you need to remember is if you are removing a limitation
> decide when they go to bed.
> They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up with them.
or restriction, it will seem like a piece of heaven and the kids will
do it as much as they can. They aren't really sure if you mean the
removal to be forever so they are going to go all out just in case
it's pulled away from them.
Another thing to keep in mind is that everyone's sleep needs may be
different. If you can't stay up super late because of an early
morning committment, then you need to explain that to the kids.
That is real life learning and you're modeling life for them. If
they choose to stay up late, the family needs to work together to
meet everyone's needs without disrespecting other family members.
In our home, the working parent is Dad (my husband). He likes to go
to bed around 10:30pm. When he goes to bed, the rest of us do quiet
things so as not to disturb his sleep. We can still watch tv, play
games together, read, be on the internet, etc. Sometimes I go to bed
around 11pm because I just can't keep my eyes open. My kids can stay
up, doing the same quiet things as when I'm awake. When we let go of
bedtimes, it did seem like we were having a slumber party every
night. The kids were so excited at being awake past bedtime! But
over time, the thrill has gone away and now we just do our own things
and sleep when we feel ready to sleep.
We have also had to be creative to meet everyone's needs. Sometimes
my kids want to stay up watching tv but they were uncomfortable in
the living room alone. They have a tv, computer and video game
system in their room along with their toys, books and collections.
Explaining unschooling to an unsupportive family member can be
tricky. That might be best discussed as a separate topic, maybe even
by separating concerns. Your husband really needs to be on board
with the parenting style or your relationship can have problems which
will also affect the children. You might want to try slowing down
the transition into total life unschooling. Read about it and
discuss it with your husband. He'll be working through his own
issues just like you're having to face and work through your own.
Beth M.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Pillow
I totally feel you on the concern about what the little ones do when left to thier own devices. I am sure we all have mannnnnny stories on that one.. <g> I do have another question that I feel silly asking, but it is a concern... : / How do you squeeze in 'time with DH'??? :) Night time has for so long been our 'time' to 'keep the fires burning'.<BWG>
So... how do other parents handle juggling time with DH and kids having no bedtime? Locks on doors? Rabid animal chained to door knob in case children get nosey about what's going on? I have used the 'mommy and daddy were wrestling line for so long.... I don't think they believe us anymore.
Thanks for humoring me.
Amanda
So... how do other parents handle juggling time with DH and kids having no bedtime? Locks on doors? Rabid animal chained to door knob in case children get nosey about what's going on? I have used the 'mommy and daddy were wrestling line for so long.... I don't think they believe us anymore.
Thanks for humoring me.
Amanda
--- On Wed, 8/6/08, Shannon <dragteine76@...> wrote:
From: Shannon <dragteine76@...>
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
To: [email protected]
Date: Wednesday, August 6, 2008, 9:10 AM
Sorry for the late post, my computer was down for two days. I hope to get to
this point. My hubby sees the night time as his alone time and I feel the
need to be in bed some where between 10 and 12. We have an almost eight year
old, a three and a half year old and a six month old - my eight year old
would probably fall asleep on the sofa but I fear what my three year old
would do if left to her own devices. Her thing right now is markers and
scissors and while I do find creative thing for her to cut and draw on. I do
not want to wake up to my walls and furniture drawn on and all my cords cut..
the invention of the cut-up box was inspired by my daughter cutting up an
extension cord and my phone charger for my cell phone. Usually I would have
freaked out about it but you all have had a good influence on me and I
grabbed a child friendly box and threw the cords from both - minus the
electrical plug (I don't need new experiments of that kind) plus some other
interesting stuff and her scissors in the box. but I digress.
My infant pretty much goes to bed when I do though he has taken up this
nasty habit of wanting to be up between 10 and 3 in the morning - I just let
him play on the bed. I would love to be able to let them have no bed time
but one DH is against it and two once DH goes to bed how do I make sure the
house looks close to what it looked like when I went to bed?
Shannon
_____
From: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
[mailto:unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of carnationsgalore
Sent: Monday, August 04, 2008 11:57 AM
To: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
> The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kids
> decide when they go to bed.
> They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up with them.
First thing you need to remember is if you are removing a limitation
or restriction, it will seem like a piece of heaven and the kids will
do it as much as they can. They aren't really sure if you mean the
removal to be forever so they are going to go all out just in case
it's pulled away from them.
Another thing to keep in mind is that everyone's sleep needs may be
different. If you can't stay up super late because of an early
morning committment, then you need to explain that to the kids.
That is real life learning and you're modeling life for them. If
they choose to stay up late, the family needs to work together to
meet everyone's needs without disrespecting other family members.
In our home, the working parent is Dad (my husband). He likes to go
to bed around 10:30pm. When he goes to bed, the rest of us do quiet
things so as not to disturb his sleep. We can still watch tv, play
games together, read, be on the internet, etc. Sometimes I go to bed
around 11pm because I just can't keep my eyes open. My kids can stay
up, doing the same quiet things as when I'm awake. When we let go of
bedtimes, it did seem like we were having a slumber party every
night. The kids were so excited at being awake past bedtime! But
over time, the thrill has gone away and now we just do our own things
and sleep when we feel ready to sleep.
We have also had to be creative to meet everyone's needs. Sometimes
my kids want to stay up watching tv but they were uncomfortable in
the living room alone. They have a tv, computer and video game
system in their room along with their toys, books and collections.
Explaining unschooling to an unsupportive family member can be
tricky. That might be best discussed as a separate topic, maybe even
by separating concerns. Your husband really needs to be on board
with the parenting style or your relationship can have problems which
will also affect the children. You might want to try slowing down
the transition into total life unschooling. Read about it and
discuss it with your husband. He'll be working through his own
issues just like you're having to face and work through your own.
Beth M.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Bentley
>A shift in perception (like you did with the electrical cords for your
> My infant pretty much goes to bed when I do though he has taken up
> this
> nasty habit of wanting to be up between 10 and 3 in the morning - I
> just let
> him play on the bed. I would love to be able to let them have no bed
> time
> but one DH is against it and two once DH goes to bed how do I make
> sure the
> house looks close to what it looked like when I went to bed?
daughter) would be a good first step. This quote came up on
AlwaysLearning, generated on Sandra Dodd's site, which may be
appropriate here:
~ It has more to do with why people are doing what they are doing and
what they believe about it than WHAT they are doing.— Sandra Dodd ~
It really isn't about "no bedtime" in unschooling families. It
definitely doesn't mean leaving kids to their own devices. It's more
about helping kids understand their bodies' need for sleep, the cues
their bodies give them and also creating an environment conducive to
sleep.
I don't think anyone is saying that they don't take the family's
(including partner's) needs seriously. There are ways to get all your
needs met, including yours. It takes some creativity and flexibility.
If you look at what your children want and need (connection with you,
fun, attention, eventual sleep <g>), perhaps you can see it
differently. My dd had a natural late-night rhythm and a physically
active period in the evening. However, she did want to settle down
eventually and nurse to sleep because she craved that connection with
me. When she no longer nursed to sleep, I read to her and we snuggled
to sleep. It was rarely difficult because her needs were being met. I
could even adjust the timing to a bit earlier in the evening if
necessary, because we were together. She also slept with us for a long
time, since she didn't want to sleep alone.
I realize meeting three kids' needs is more challenging than one, but
I know families with more than one child have figured it out in ways
that work for them.
Would your three-year old be happy to bring her markers and paper into
bed while you settle the baby? This might require using old sheets
that could be marked up, or you could give her fabric markers and she
could make new and beautiful patterns. Give her old pillowcases that
she can cut holes in, or soft fabric cords that wouldn't disturb your
sleep if you rolled over on them. This is where creativity can come in!
This may sound completely wacky to you and it's only one of many
avenues you could explore. But, it has a completely different feel to
it than her up by herself with markers, paper and scissors while you
are elsewhere. Could she play beside you, instead? You could then
transition to reading to her and encouraging her sleepiness. You can
help her understand everyone's need for quiet and sleep time.
If your dh has a need for quiet time, can you move your sleep ritual
to another room? Maybe he will look at bedtime rituals as a way for
him to connect with the kids, too, and still get his own time before
or after.
These aren't the only things you can do, but it might give you a start
of thinking of how to change things up for everyone. Most times, it's
adjusting our *ideas* about sleep (or food, or tv). It requires seeing
things from a different point of view entirely and working within a
new framework. Seeing your kids' needs as something to work *with*
instead of against is a big shift.
In that same post on Always Learning, Sandra wrote:
It's not about when your kids go to sleep, it's about why they go to
sleep, how they feel about it, whether they chose to or were forced
to (as if you can force someone to sleep, not counting drugs, which
my mom's cousin used to do--and probably badillion others in the
1940's; she gave them peregoric, which is opium).
Ewww.
>Oh, and (especially on unschooling lists <g>) it can also be important
to examine your thinking about children's needs by watching how you
say things (language influences our thinking and vice versa). Saying
an infant "has taken up a nasty habit" shuts off the path to
understanding *why* a baby might have changed his or her sleep
patterns. You may have meant it innocently, but when you look at that
statement, it seems you are saying your baby is doing something
expressly to upset you. I don't imagine that's it at all :-)
Robin B.
Shannon
I have a few funny ones about that too. I think both of my older children
have climbed on daddy's back to "ride horse" right in the middle. lol.
usually we get the kids interested in other activities or occasionally -
ever so rarely they are all asleep and we race. Having an infant makes it
more difficult but as the kids get older it gets easier. I have another
homeschooling mom watch two out of the three so we can go out to dinner
alone or even run errands together.
Shannon
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Amanda Pillow
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2008 11:59 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
I totally feel you on the concern about what the little ones do when left to
thier own devices. I am sure we all have mannnnnny stories on that one.. <g>
I do have another question that I feel silly asking, but it is a concern...
: / How do you squeeze in 'time with DH'??? :) Night time has for so long
been our 'time' to 'keep the fires burning'.<BWG>
So... how do other parents handle juggling time with DH and kids having no
bedtime? Locks on doors? Rabid animal chained to door knob in case
children get nosey about what's going on? I have used the 'mommy and daddy
were wrestling line for so long.... I don't think they believe us anymore.
Thanks for humoring me.
Amanda
--- On Wed, 8/6/08, Shannon <dragteine76@ <mailto:dragteine76%40verizon.net>
verizon.net> wrote:
From: Shannon <dragteine76@ <mailto:dragteine76%40verizon.net> verizon.net>
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
To: unschoolingbasics@ <mailto:unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>
yahoogroups.com
Date: Wednesday, August 6, 2008, 9:10 AM
Sorry for the late post, my computer was down for two days. I hope to get to
this point. My hubby sees the night time as his alone time and I feel the
need to be in bed some where between 10 and 12. We have an almost eight year
old, a three and a half year old and a six month old - my eight year old
would probably fall asleep on the sofa but I fear what my three year old
would do if left to her own devices. Her thing right now is markers and
scissors and while I do find creative thing for her to cut and draw on. I do
not want to wake up to my walls and furniture drawn on and all my cords
cut..
the invention of the cut-up box was inspired by my daughter cutting up an
extension cord and my phone charger for my cell phone. Usually I would have
freaked out about it but you all have had a good influence on me and I
grabbed a child friendly box and threw the cords from both - minus the
electrical plug (I don't need new experiments of that kind) plus some other
interesting stuff and her scissors in the box. but I digress.
My infant pretty much goes to bed when I do though he has taken up this
nasty habit of wanting to be up between 10 and 3 in the morning - I just let
him play on the bed. I would love to be able to let them have no bed time
but one DH is against it and two once DH goes to bed how do I make sure the
house looks close to what it looked like when I went to bed?
Shannon
_____
From: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
[mailto:unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of carnationsgalore
Sent: Monday, August 04, 2008 11:57 AM
To: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
or restriction, it will seem like a piece of heaven and the kids will
do it as much as they can. They aren't really sure if you mean the
removal to be forever so they are going to go all out just in case
it's pulled away from them.
Another thing to keep in mind is that everyone's sleep needs may be
different. If you can't stay up super late because of an early
morning committment, then you need to explain that to the kids.
That is real life learning and you're modeling life for them. If
they choose to stay up late, the family needs to work together to
meet everyone's needs without disrespecting other family members.
In our home, the working parent is Dad (my husband). He likes to go
to bed around 10:30pm. When he goes to bed, the rest of us do quiet
things so as not to disturb his sleep. We can still watch tv, play
games together, read, be on the internet, etc. Sometimes I go to bed
around 11pm because I just can't keep my eyes open. My kids can stay
up, doing the same quiet things as when I'm awake. When we let go of
bedtimes, it did seem like we were having a slumber party every
night. The kids were so excited at being awake past bedtime! But
over time, the thrill has gone away and now we just do our own things
and sleep when we feel ready to sleep.
We have also had to be creative to meet everyone's needs. Sometimes
my kids want to stay up watching tv but they were uncomfortable in
the living room alone. They have a tv, computer and video game
system in their room along with their toys, books and collections.
Explaining unschooling to an unsupportive family member can be
tricky. That might be best discussed as a separate topic, maybe even
by separating concerns. Your husband really needs to be on board
with the parenting style or your relationship can have problems which
will also affect the children. You might want to try slowing down
the transition into total life unschooling. Read about it and
discuss it with your husband. He'll be working through his own
issues just like you're having to face and work through your own.
Beth M.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
have climbed on daddy's back to "ride horse" right in the middle. lol.
usually we get the kids interested in other activities or occasionally -
ever so rarely they are all asleep and we race. Having an infant makes it
more difficult but as the kids get older it gets easier. I have another
homeschooling mom watch two out of the three so we can go out to dinner
alone or even run errands together.
Shannon
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Amanda Pillow
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2008 11:59 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
I totally feel you on the concern about what the little ones do when left to
thier own devices. I am sure we all have mannnnnny stories on that one.. <g>
I do have another question that I feel silly asking, but it is a concern...
: / How do you squeeze in 'time with DH'??? :) Night time has for so long
been our 'time' to 'keep the fires burning'.<BWG>
So... how do other parents handle juggling time with DH and kids having no
bedtime? Locks on doors? Rabid animal chained to door knob in case
children get nosey about what's going on? I have used the 'mommy and daddy
were wrestling line for so long.... I don't think they believe us anymore.
Thanks for humoring me.
Amanda
--- On Wed, 8/6/08, Shannon <dragteine76@ <mailto:dragteine76%40verizon.net>
verizon.net> wrote:
From: Shannon <dragteine76@ <mailto:dragteine76%40verizon.net> verizon.net>
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
To: unschoolingbasics@ <mailto:unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com>
yahoogroups.com
Date: Wednesday, August 6, 2008, 9:10 AM
Sorry for the late post, my computer was down for two days. I hope to get to
this point. My hubby sees the night time as his alone time and I feel the
need to be in bed some where between 10 and 12. We have an almost eight year
old, a three and a half year old and a six month old - my eight year old
would probably fall asleep on the sofa but I fear what my three year old
would do if left to her own devices. Her thing right now is markers and
scissors and while I do find creative thing for her to cut and draw on. I do
not want to wake up to my walls and furniture drawn on and all my cords
cut..
the invention of the cut-up box was inspired by my daughter cutting up an
extension cord and my phone charger for my cell phone. Usually I would have
freaked out about it but you all have had a good influence on me and I
grabbed a child friendly box and threw the cords from both - minus the
electrical plug (I don't need new experiments of that kind) plus some other
interesting stuff and her scissors in the box. but I digress.
My infant pretty much goes to bed when I do though he has taken up this
nasty habit of wanting to be up between 10 and 3 in the morning - I just let
him play on the bed. I would love to be able to let them have no bed time
but one DH is against it and two once DH goes to bed how do I make sure the
house looks close to what it looked like when I went to bed?
Shannon
_____
From: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
[mailto:unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of carnationsgalore
Sent: Monday, August 04, 2008 11:57 AM
To: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: What should I do?
> The other evening, though, I decided I would try it. Let the kidsFirst thing you need to remember is if you are removing a limitation
> decide when they go to bed.
> They range in age from 5-10 and I stayed up with them.
or restriction, it will seem like a piece of heaven and the kids will
do it as much as they can. They aren't really sure if you mean the
removal to be forever so they are going to go all out just in case
it's pulled away from them.
Another thing to keep in mind is that everyone's sleep needs may be
different. If you can't stay up super late because of an early
morning committment, then you need to explain that to the kids.
That is real life learning and you're modeling life for them. If
they choose to stay up late, the family needs to work together to
meet everyone's needs without disrespecting other family members.
In our home, the working parent is Dad (my husband). He likes to go
to bed around 10:30pm. When he goes to bed, the rest of us do quiet
things so as not to disturb his sleep. We can still watch tv, play
games together, read, be on the internet, etc. Sometimes I go to bed
around 11pm because I just can't keep my eyes open. My kids can stay
up, doing the same quiet things as when I'm awake. When we let go of
bedtimes, it did seem like we were having a slumber party every
night. The kids were so excited at being awake past bedtime! But
over time, the thrill has gone away and now we just do our own things
and sleep when we feel ready to sleep.
We have also had to be creative to meet everyone's needs. Sometimes
my kids want to stay up watching tv but they were uncomfortable in
the living room alone. They have a tv, computer and video game
system in their room along with their toys, books and collections.
Explaining unschooling to an unsupportive family member can be
tricky. That might be best discussed as a separate topic, maybe even
by separating concerns. Your husband really needs to be on board
with the parenting style or your relationship can have problems which
will also affect the children. You might want to try slowing down
the transition into total life unschooling. Read about it and
discuss it with your husband. He'll be working through his own
issues just like you're having to face and work through your own.
Beth M.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tammy Curry
I am sorry, I just spit out my iced tea over daddy being ridden like a horse. I don't think I have one to top that story, at least not yet.
We were waiting for nights when the children went to their own beds, by their choice. Now we have my brother in law (DH's brother) watch the kids for a couple of hours at the park, beach, or what ever other adventure they come up with. DH and I also work different shifts so that special time has become very hard to find. Creativity is the spice of life, in all aspects. The kids have learned that daddy likes to get his back washed by mommy and things like that. If we don't have someone to watch the kids or we actually see that they are occupied with some game or project we just announce we are taking a shower and will be back out in a little while.
Tammy C.
South Carolina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We were waiting for nights when the children went to their own beds, by their choice. Now we have my brother in law (DH's brother) watch the kids for a couple of hours at the park, beach, or what ever other adventure they come up with. DH and I also work different shifts so that special time has become very hard to find. Creativity is the spice of life, in all aspects. The kids have learned that daddy likes to get his back washed by mommy and things like that. If we don't have someone to watch the kids or we actually see that they are occupied with some game or project we just announce we are taking a shower and will be back out in a little while.
Tammy C.
South Carolina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melanie Leavey
When we (well, mostly *I*) started looking into unschooling our
lifestyles (giving up the idea of school was EASY!!), the end of
regular bedtime was a huge deal for my hubby. Like yours, he values
the evenings to unwind, watch TV, catch up with each other etc. etc.
It was a real sticking point for us and he resisted A LOT!! I really
struggled with making sure everyone's needs were met during this
particular transition and confess to pretty much railroading my ever-
patient partner on more than one occasion...*sigh* ;}
I found that in the beginning, Savannah (5yo) was just so excited to
be up and about until SHE wanted to go to sleep that she spent a few
weeks being fairly manic in the evenings...which drove hubby crazy
and made it harder to convince him that this really WAS a good
thing! After several family discussions we agreed that it was
important that everyone should be able to enjoy their evening in
their own way, but not to infringe upon other family members
enjoyment. ie. if Savannah was feeling bouncy, she should bounce
somewhere other than in front of the TV that Daddy was watching his
news program on. Eventually, after the 'novelty' of it wore off,
Savannah started to naturally migrate up to her room for quiet time -
we would read or chat or watch TV...she would wander up and down the
stairs from time to time, checking in on us but not in the
old 'what's everyone else doing?' way, just when she thought of
something she wanted to tell us or to get a drink or snack...I guess
she finally realized we're not all that exciting after dark! ;}
Also, she and dh started watching some TV programs together...they
watch the Simpsons, Iron Chef, stuff on the Discovery channel...they
connect really well that way. She asks a bezillion questions, they
talk, they learn, they spend quiet time together....
Then the day came, not so long ago, that in the middle of a favourite
show, Savannah announced that she was tired and wanted me to go and
tuck her into bed! I suppressed a triumphant grin as my hubby looked
quite disappointed that she was leaving before the end of the
program...;}
Time and gradual transitioning I think is the key. I think my mistake
was trying to do everything at once. I was so enthusiastic about the
whole idea, I wanted to do it all, RIGHT NOW! Only when I stopped,
took a deep breath and slowed down, did things start to fall into
place. And it meant a lot of changes. I've made the choice to stay
up until my kids are asleep..which at its latest is about
11:30pm...not my ideal - I'm an early-to-bed-early-to-rise type
naturally, so it's been a stretch out of my comfort zone to do this,
but it *feels* right to be with them right now. Given the conditions
conducive to sleep, but without someone telling them WHEN they will
certainly begin to listen to the cues their bodies are giving them.
My son, (3.75) prefers to fall asleep in the playroom while watching
a movie...we dim the lights, he picks his final movie and asks me
to 'cozy up'...snuggles, tucking in of blankets etc. then I leave him
until he's asleep and carry him upstairs to bed. Because the playroom
is in the basement I'm not comfortable leaving him there as we are
two stories above him, so I wait to carry him up before falling
gratefully asleep myself...
Sorry for the long post, but I wanted you to know that you're not
alone in your struggles to help your hubby embrace this particular
aspect of unschooling. But if you truly believe that this is the
path that is *right* for your family, then all will be well.
Blessed be,
Mel
lifestyles (giving up the idea of school was EASY!!), the end of
regular bedtime was a huge deal for my hubby. Like yours, he values
the evenings to unwind, watch TV, catch up with each other etc. etc.
It was a real sticking point for us and he resisted A LOT!! I really
struggled with making sure everyone's needs were met during this
particular transition and confess to pretty much railroading my ever-
patient partner on more than one occasion...*sigh* ;}
I found that in the beginning, Savannah (5yo) was just so excited to
be up and about until SHE wanted to go to sleep that she spent a few
weeks being fairly manic in the evenings...which drove hubby crazy
and made it harder to convince him that this really WAS a good
thing! After several family discussions we agreed that it was
important that everyone should be able to enjoy their evening in
their own way, but not to infringe upon other family members
enjoyment. ie. if Savannah was feeling bouncy, she should bounce
somewhere other than in front of the TV that Daddy was watching his
news program on. Eventually, after the 'novelty' of it wore off,
Savannah started to naturally migrate up to her room for quiet time -
we would read or chat or watch TV...she would wander up and down the
stairs from time to time, checking in on us but not in the
old 'what's everyone else doing?' way, just when she thought of
something she wanted to tell us or to get a drink or snack...I guess
she finally realized we're not all that exciting after dark! ;}
Also, she and dh started watching some TV programs together...they
watch the Simpsons, Iron Chef, stuff on the Discovery channel...they
connect really well that way. She asks a bezillion questions, they
talk, they learn, they spend quiet time together....
Then the day came, not so long ago, that in the middle of a favourite
show, Savannah announced that she was tired and wanted me to go and
tuck her into bed! I suppressed a triumphant grin as my hubby looked
quite disappointed that she was leaving before the end of the
program...;}
Time and gradual transitioning I think is the key. I think my mistake
was trying to do everything at once. I was so enthusiastic about the
whole idea, I wanted to do it all, RIGHT NOW! Only when I stopped,
took a deep breath and slowed down, did things start to fall into
place. And it meant a lot of changes. I've made the choice to stay
up until my kids are asleep..which at its latest is about
11:30pm...not my ideal - I'm an early-to-bed-early-to-rise type
naturally, so it's been a stretch out of my comfort zone to do this,
but it *feels* right to be with them right now. Given the conditions
conducive to sleep, but without someone telling them WHEN they will
certainly begin to listen to the cues their bodies are giving them.
My son, (3.75) prefers to fall asleep in the playroom while watching
a movie...we dim the lights, he picks his final movie and asks me
to 'cozy up'...snuggles, tucking in of blankets etc. then I leave him
until he's asleep and carry him upstairs to bed. Because the playroom
is in the basement I'm not comfortable leaving him there as we are
two stories above him, so I wait to carry him up before falling
gratefully asleep myself...
Sorry for the long post, but I wanted you to know that you're not
alone in your struggles to help your hubby embrace this particular
aspect of unschooling. But if you truly believe that this is the
path that is *right* for your family, then all will be well.
Blessed be,
Mel
Faith Void
once the littler ones are in bad there are so many other places to connect
besides the family bed.
Faith
besides the family bed.
Faith
On Wed, Aug 6, 2008 at 10:39 PM, Tammy Curry <mamabeart00@...> wrote:
> I am sorry, I just spit out my iced tea over daddy being ridden like a
> horse. I don't think I have one to top that story, at least not yet.
>
> We were waiting for nights when the children went to their own beds, by
> their choice. Now we have my brother in law (DH's brother) watch the kids
> for a couple of hours at the park, beach, or what ever other adventure they
> come up with. DH and I also work different shifts so that special time has
> become very hard to find. Creativity is the spice of life, in all aspects.
> The kids have learned that daddy likes to get his back washed by mommy and
> things like that. If we don't have someone to watch the kids or we actually
> see that they are occupied with some game or project we just announce we are
> taking a shower and will be back out in a little while.
>
> Tammy C.
> South Carolina
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Shannon
The riding daddy's back was not intentional by any means. I am not even sure
they thought anything about what was going on only that daddy's back was
particularly welcoming as a ride. LOL!
Shannon
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Tammy Curry
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2008 10:39 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Mommy and Daddy time was What should I do?
I am sorry, I just spit out my iced tea over daddy being ridden like a
horse. I don't think I have one to top that story, at least not yet.
We were waiting for nights when the children went to their own beds, by
their choice. Now we have my brother in law (DH's brother) watch the kids
for a couple of hours at the park, beach, or what ever other adventure they
come up with. DH and I also work different shifts so that special time has
become very hard to find. Creativity is the spice of life, in all aspects.
The kids have learned that daddy likes to get his back washed by mommy and
things like that. If we don't have someone to watch the kids or we actually
see that they are occupied with some game or project we just announce we are
taking a shower and will be back out in a little while.
Tammy C.
South Carolina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
they thought anything about what was going on only that daddy's back was
particularly welcoming as a ride. LOL!
Shannon
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Tammy Curry
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2008 10:39 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Mommy and Daddy time was What should I do?
I am sorry, I just spit out my iced tea over daddy being ridden like a
horse. I don't think I have one to top that story, at least not yet.
We were waiting for nights when the children went to their own beds, by
their choice. Now we have my brother in law (DH's brother) watch the kids
for a couple of hours at the park, beach, or what ever other adventure they
come up with. DH and I also work different shifts so that special time has
become very hard to find. Creativity is the spice of life, in all aspects.
The kids have learned that daddy likes to get his back washed by mommy and
things like that. If we don't have someone to watch the kids or we actually
see that they are occupied with some game or project we just announce we are
taking a shower and will be back out in a little while.
Tammy C.
South Carolina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
Well, if the kids stay up late and fall asleep and sleep in, how about a
little 'shower time nookie' before spouse heads off to work? :-)
Seriously, it's about working out creative solutions - adult time need
not be from 9 to 11 pm because that's when the kids' bedtime is. I WOH
fulltime and DH is at home. I REALLY need my sleep and both DH and DS
know it. BUT DH and I have signals (nonverbal cues) that say "once DS is
asleep, wake me up!" And, as someone mentioned, once the kid(s) get a
little older, it's easier - DS knows that we knock before entering his
room, he knocks before entering our room, it's respectful of someone's
privacy - yeah, we've had a few close shaves when he knocked the walked
right in ("Oh, hi - I'll meet you in your room in a couple minutes -
thanks") and, again since he's gotten older (he's now 10), he does know
that mommy and daddy sometimes use that 'private time' for sex (and he's
got the basics of that concept as well). We've used really late night
time, early morning time, visiting grandma's house time, and other
'arrangements'. Kids don't stay little for long and grownups don't
necessarily need to put them to bed at a set time to create that night
time 'private time' - a simple signal (a tie on the door knob) plus
prior preparation (snacks, videos, etc within easy reach and such) and
you can create the space to have that time.
Deb
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
little 'shower time nookie' before spouse heads off to work? :-)
Seriously, it's about working out creative solutions - adult time need
not be from 9 to 11 pm because that's when the kids' bedtime is. I WOH
fulltime and DH is at home. I REALLY need my sleep and both DH and DS
know it. BUT DH and I have signals (nonverbal cues) that say "once DS is
asleep, wake me up!" And, as someone mentioned, once the kid(s) get a
little older, it's easier - DS knows that we knock before entering his
room, he knocks before entering our room, it's respectful of someone's
privacy - yeah, we've had a few close shaves when he knocked the walked
right in ("Oh, hi - I'll meet you in your room in a couple minutes -
thanks") and, again since he's gotten older (he's now 10), he does know
that mommy and daddy sometimes use that 'private time' for sex (and he's
got the basics of that concept as well). We've used really late night
time, early morning time, visiting grandma's house time, and other
'arrangements'. Kids don't stay little for long and grownups don't
necessarily need to put them to bed at a set time to create that night
time 'private time' - a simple signal (a tie on the door knob) plus
prior preparation (snacks, videos, etc within easy reach and such) and
you can create the space to have that time.
Deb
**********************************************************************
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
CNC Software, Inc.
www.mastercam.com
**********************************************************************
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Amanda Pillow <funkymamaof4@...>
How do you squeeze in 'time with DH'??? :) Night time has for so long
been our
'time' to 'keep the fires burning'.<BWG>
-=-=-=-=-
"Night time" is over-rated. <G>
It may have been convenient and easy, but now you have children.
Nothing is as convenient or easy any more. Get over it and get creative.
--=-=-=-=-=-
So... how do other parents handle juggling time with DH and kids having
no
bedtime? Locks on doors? Rabid animal chained to door knob in case
children
get nosey about what's going on? I have used the 'mommy and daddy were
wrestling line for so long.... I don't think they believe us anymore.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Wellll...if they're not believing your lies any more, maybe you need to
tell them the truth. <g>
If they're "nosey," they're probably ready to be told what IS going on.
They will probably be grossed out and start *avoiding* you when you
disappear into the bedroom!
We told the boys that we needed some time alone together. Here's a
movie. Here are some snacks and a drink. Please don't interrupt.
And probably since we'd done the same with *them* when one of them
needed time alone with me or Ben, they were respectful of *our* need to
be alone.
Not that we have never been interrupted. <g> It happens.
As infants, they don't care an
d sleep right through it. Toddlers can be
worked around easily as they need so much sleep. But just about the
time that they're old enough to have it explained, it's GROSS, and
they're incredulous. Then, as they age and as they start realizing you
may have been telling the truth, it's even GROSSER to think your
PARENTS are doing that. THEN, as THEY start to engage on their own,
they're more than willing to give you all the privacy that they would
like. <g>
I mean, it works in our *favor* to be open and honest. Just like Pam
Sorooshian! <G> (I love that story!)
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: Amanda Pillow <funkymamaof4@...>
How do you squeeze in 'time with DH'??? :) Night time has for so long
been our
'time' to 'keep the fires burning'.<BWG>
-=-=-=-=-
"Night time" is over-rated. <G>
It may have been convenient and easy, but now you have children.
Nothing is as convenient or easy any more. Get over it and get creative.
--=-=-=-=-=-
So... how do other parents handle juggling time with DH and kids having
no
bedtime? Locks on doors? Rabid animal chained to door knob in case
children
get nosey about what's going on? I have used the 'mommy and daddy were
wrestling line for so long.... I don't think they believe us anymore.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Wellll...if they're not believing your lies any more, maybe you need to
tell them the truth. <g>
If they're "nosey," they're probably ready to be told what IS going on.
They will probably be grossed out and start *avoiding* you when you
disappear into the bedroom!
We told the boys that we needed some time alone together. Here's a
movie. Here are some snacks and a drink. Please don't interrupt.
And probably since we'd done the same with *them* when one of them
needed time alone with me or Ben, they were respectful of *our* need to
be alone.
Not that we have never been interrupted. <g> It happens.
As infants, they don't care an
d sleep right through it. Toddlers can be
worked around easily as they need so much sleep. But just about the
time that they're old enough to have it explained, it's GROSS, and
they're incredulous. Then, as they age and as they start realizing you
may have been telling the truth, it's even GROSSER to think your
PARENTS are doing that. THEN, as THEY start to engage on their own,
they're more than willing to give you all the privacy that they would
like. <g>
I mean, it works in our *favor* to be open and honest. Just like Pam
Sorooshian! <G> (I love that story!)
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org