Maisha Khalfani

Hello in cyberland! Gosh it’s been so long since I’ve posted here. I have
a question that I’m sure has been asked before, and will benefit many others
by my asking it again:

In August we are going on a family trip. Well, my parents, my siblings, my
children and me (dh is sitting this one out). My family doesn’t know to the
extent which I am Unschooling. This will be the first time that we will all
be sharing days and days together (Thursday – Sunday including driving to
our destination together).

Any helpful tips on how to deal with their reactions when my children are
allowed to eat what they want, sleep when they want, etc? My sister, in
particular, is big on “obedience” and being told once to do something.

Honestly part of me does not want to go on this trip, But it is an
opportunity to spend time with family, and for the most part it can be a fun
trip. I thought about maybe talking with them about my (and now dh’s yeah!
Long story on that turn around!) parenting philosophies. Maybe I can send
them some good links ahead of time so that they know what to expect? Any
suggestions on which links to send?

I’m asking now because I have a few months to maybe soften them up and get
them ready; and to prepare myself as well.

Thanks!

Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
"...life is for entertainment purposes only" ~ Abraham-Hicks
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Michelle Thedaker

I think the answer might vary with each family, it really depends on how
their reactions might be. My in-laws don’t know we’re unschooling, nor
anyone else on that side of the family, but they do know that I’m a relaxed
type of parent so I doubt the reaction would be much more than “Huh, that
seems like something she would be doing.” And then nothing would be said,
perhaps a few curious questions but nothing judgemental. However if you
feel that the reactions would take over the vacation, then giving them a
heads up might be best. Especially if you are sharing overnight spaces and
they will be expecting children to be in bed by a certain hour.



I’m glad to hear that your Dh is more onboard with unschooling now, hooray!
I know he was having a tough time understanding your point of view so that’s
a huge step forward for your family.



Shell & Da Boys

Drew, 8.5 and Josh, 4.5

www.thedaker.blogspot.com

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you
love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

_____

From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Maisha Khalfani
Sent: Tuesday, May 06, 2008 5:19 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] family trips



Hello in cyberland! Gosh it’s been so long since I’ve posted here. I have
a question that I’m sure has been asked before, and will benefit many others
by my asking it again:

In August we are going on a family trip. Well, my parents, my siblings, my
children and me (dh is sitting this one out). My family doesn’t know to the
extent which I am Unschooling. This will be the first time that we will all
be sharing days and days together (Thursday – Sunday including driving to
our destination together).

Any helpful tips on how to deal with their reactions when my children are
allowed to eat what they want, sleep when they want, etc? My sister, in
particular, is big on “obedience” and being told once to do something.

Honestly part of me does not want to go on this trip, But it is an
opportunity to spend time with family, and for the most part it can be a fun
trip. I thought about maybe talking with them about my (and now dh’s yeah!
Long story on that turn around!) parenting philosophies. Maybe I can send
them some good links ahead of time so that they know what to expect? Any
suggestions on which links to send?

I’m asking now because I have a few months to maybe soften them up and get
them ready; and to prepare myself as well.

Thanks!

Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifami
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> lyadventures.blogspot.com/>
"...life is for entertainment purposes only" ~ Abraham-Hicks
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Faith Void

We go to maine every summer for a little over a week with our extended
family. G'ma and G'pa as well as aunts/uncles and cousins of various
ages. We are pretty straight forward about what we do and why. We
agree to disagree on some topics but I try to find common grround. My
SIL just gave me some great advice pertaining to our mutual MIL. She
asks MIL for inut and parenting advice on small inconsquential things
but never the big stuff she feels strongly about. This gives grammy
some say or at least consideration. I am going to try this because MIL
is the one I conflict with. She did not ever allow my husband sugar
until he was old enough to get it out of the house. And dh wasn't
allowed to watch most TV programs and their were veiwing restrcitions
as well. SO needless to say we differ! I am unapologetic when it comes
to what we do. I don't apologize to my relatives if the wasy we parent
makes them uncomfortable if what we or our children is doing is
reasonable. For instance, my kids hardly ever wear shoes by my sister
doesn't allow hers to be barefooted. This caused a problem for her at
the playground because she opted for struggle with her 2 y/o. I
wouldn't make my 5 y/o put on shoes even though it would have made her
life eaiser. My kids brought their DS's and portable video player and
this made grammy uncomfortable but I didn't change our families
freedom to make her comfortable. We have not really had much issue
even though MIL is a school teacher and thinks we are nuts. She loves
our kids and thinks they are awesome. I figure I am my kids parent and
it is my "job" to be what they need me to be.

about the obidience with your sister. I would explain that we do
things differently. In our family we make request and don't demand
obiedience. That is she has issues with your children that you are
willing to help her talk to them in a respectful way that they are use
to. I make every effort to be cheerful and helpful (even when I don't
feel like it sometimes) around relatives that I have
issues with. Not in a dishonest but in helping to keep the peace for a
short period of time. I want our vacations to be fun and joyous for
all.
Good luck
Faith
w Tue, May 6, 2008 at 8:19 PM, Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...> wrote:
> ay bu
>
>
>
> Hello in cyberland! Gosh it's been so long since I've posted here. I have
> a question that I'm sure has been asked before, and will benefit many others
> by my asking it again:
>
> In August we are going on a family trip. Well, my parents, my siblings, my
> children and me (dh is sitting this one out). My family doesn't know to the
> extent which I am Unschooling. This will be the first time that we will all
> be sharing days and days together (Thursday – Sunday including driving to
> our destination together).
>
> Any helpful tips on how to deal with their reactions when my children are
> allowed to eat what they want, sleep when they want, etc? My sister, in
> particular, is big on "obedience" and being told once to do something.
>
> Honestly part of me does not want to go on this trip, But it is an
> opportunity to spend time with family, and for the most part it can be a fun
> trip. I thought about maybe talking with them about my (and now dh's yeah!
> Long story on that turn around!) parenting philosophies. Maybe I can send
> them some good links ahead of time so that they know what to expect? Any
> suggestions on which links to send?
>
> I'm asking now because I have a few months to maybe soften them up and get
> them ready; and to prepare myself as well.
>
> Thanks!
>
> Namasté
> be at peace,
> Maisha
> Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
> "...life is for entertainment purposes only" ~ Abraham-Hicks
> "Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
> affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
> more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>



--
www.bearthmama.com

Ren Allen

~~
I'm asking now because I have a few months to maybe soften them up and get
them ready; and to prepare myself as well.~~

That tactic wouldn't have worked well in my family at all. The best
thing in my opinion is to just do what you do and be confident. It may
not even come up if you just quietly do what you do.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Adrean Clark

I agree with Ren, family and people tend not to absorb information
until they're ready for it. That probably means waiting until they ask
you about it, even if it kills you. I should have kept my hands quiet
many times because showing says a lot more than telling.

I learned last weekend in the back to back visits with MIL and my
parents that creating space for the kids is essential - as is being
their advocate. For example my MIL at one point interfered with a
situation between me and my son so I said, "We'll discuss this later."
I walked between her and Jael and left the room with him.

For that reason it might not be good to share a room or car with them.
On trips I need space to be myself and the kids need space to be
themselves or everyone will be frazzled and exhausted.

Diana had a good point in "Your concern is appreciated, your approval
not necessary." They want the best for your kids too, and for your
sanity and theirs, it might be good to think over now what your limits
are and how to work with those limits. It might mean a separate hotel
room, separate car, or just informing family a short list of what your
kids are used to so they won't be caught off-guard. Be prepared to
create space verbally as well. I need to remember that too - it can
be scary standing up to our family! But our kids need us to do that
for them.

Hope this helps. I am keeping this to remind myself too ;)

Adrean

On 5/6/08, Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:
> ~~
> I'm asking now because I have a few months to maybe soften them up and get
> them ready; and to prepare myself as well.~~
>
> That tactic wouldn't have worked well in my family at all. The best
> thing in my opinion is to just do what you do and be confident. It may
> not even come up if you just quietly do what you do.
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>
>

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Maisha Khalfani

Thanks for the advice so far. Unfortunately we do have to share rooms and
we are all driving down together. (I don’t have a car and it also saves on
gas for everyone). This trip is for my b-i-l and my mother’s birthday (they
share the same birthday) so I’m not really planning for it, nor am I paying
for anything.



For my parents it would help them to have information beforehand. They may
not agree with it, but it’s better for them to know what’s going on. My
family tends to be “intellectual” and they like having “information” and
such. The more “expert” it seems the better :(



I will definitely talk to my children beforehand and let them know that if
there is any issue they can come to me first. I don’t want them to feel
like they “have to” do anything just because it’s “family”.



Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
"...life is for entertainment purposes only" ~ Abraham-Hicks
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”

~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ren Allen

~~I will definitely talk to my children beforehand and let them know
that if
there is any issue they can come to me first. I don't want them to feel
like they "have to" do anything just because it's "family".~~

It might be better to simply explain how your family will handle
things differently, rather than setting them up for failure by saying
"you don't have to do what they say".

Just explain how your family might handle different situations and ask
them to get an arbitrator if they feel they can't handle it (you).
I've watched this kind of thing happen before, where an RU family sets
up the entire situation to be "here's how we do it" and everything was
total chaos and bad feelings all around.

I still think it best to simply BE peace, BE joy and let people think
what they will. Let the kids know you're their advocate without
telling them "you don't have to do what they say". It won't kill them
to know other people handle relationships differently and be adaptable
(as long as nobody is treating them rudely of course).

Heck, my kids would not expect to stay up late in a shared situation
if it bothered other people. It's more about adapting to the
circumstances than trying to have things run a certain way. YOU can be
respectful to the children and advocate for them anywhere in life,
whether family is there or not.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Maisha Khalfani

<<I still think it best to simply BE peace, BE joy and let people think
what they will.>>



Your response makes a lot of sense Ren. Thanks for the wisdom.



Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures

When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully;
five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger;
later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a
troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is
this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from
the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”

~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

swissarmy_wife

--- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<maitai373@...> wrote:

> In August we are going on a family trip. Well, my parents, my
siblings, my
> children and me (dh is sitting this one out). My family doesn't
know to the
> extent which I am Unschooling. This will be the first time that we
will all
> be sharing days and days together (Thursday – Sunday including
driving to
> our destination together).

Family trips can be really hard if you aren't prepared. First, your
family doesn't NEED to know the extent of your unschooling if your not
ready to explain it. Especially if you think they will not be
receptive to the philosophies, then there is no point in explaining it.

> Any helpful tips on how to deal with their reactions when my
children are
> allowed to eat what they want, sleep when they want, etc? My sister, in
> particular, is big on "obedience" and being told once to do something.

We take a family trip every year with my in-laws. *gasp* As far as
food goes, I make sure that we have a own stash of food. If they are
diving into their own food stash, rather than the community food
stash, then the likely hood of family members stopping them or saying
anything goes down significantly.

As for sleeping, I have found that fun days in the sun put my kids to
sleep much earlier than normal anyway. You could discuss sleeping
arrangements with them ahead of time, I forget how old your children
are. Being respectful of other sleepers IS important. I don't know
your accommodations, but trying to find the kids a "cozy spot" or
place of their own is a good idea.

As for comments, I always had a way of ignoring them. Eventually they
went away. :-) If they say something like "Well, I do it this way"
your answer can simply be "I don't".

> Honestly part of me does not want to go on this trip, But it is an
> opportunity to spend time with family, and for the most part it can
be a fun
> trip. I thought about maybe talking with them about my (and now
dh's yeah!
> Long story on that turn around!) parenting philosophies. Maybe I
can send
> them some good links ahead of time so that they know what to expect?

This may or may not be a good idea. I don't know your family. But
the truth is, every parent parents differently. There's a million and
one categories you could group parenting styles into. Personally, I
would just let this be your style, without worrying too much about
labeling it as unschooling and trying to explain it. Just go with it
and be confident in what you are doing. They don't HAVE to agree.
Just like you don't HAVE to agree with them.


> I'm asking now because I have a few months to maybe soften them up
and get
> them ready; and to prepare myself as well.

I'd just worry about you. Work on some confident answers just in
case. And just keep doing what your doing. I guess to outsiders we
might be classified as "lenient parents". Big deal. Let them think
your lenient. :-)

swissarmy_wife

--- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<maitai373@...> wrote:
>
> Thanks for the advice so far. Unfortunately we do have to share
rooms and
> we are all driving down together. (I don't have a car and it also
saves on
> gas for everyone). This trip is for my b-i-l and my mother's
birthday (they
> share the same birthday) so I'm not really planning for it, nor am I
paying
> for anything.

Prepare in advance for long car ride. DVD player, travel games, car
bingo, LOTS of snacks. Try momsminivan.com for some cool paper games.


> I will definitely talk to my children beforehand and let them know
that if
> there is any issue they can come to me first. I don't want them to feel
> like they "have to" do anything just because it's "family".

I've seen problems with things like this. Sometimes I think just
letting the kids "be kids" is good. Already knowing, and reminding
them that they can come to you if they need anything I think would be
better. My old son who knows he can trust me comes to me with issues
on vacation. There has been a few times he hasn't liked the way he
was treated. He forms an opinion on the person or situation, and has
learned to avoid certain situations. I suppose he is learning that
everyone is different. From our trips he has learned that his aunt
and uncle are "REALLY mean to their kids". Which is really
unfortunate that a 9 year old had to come to that decision. However,
by supporting his needs and was able to be confident and judge the
situations for themselves.


Sorry if that seems a little jumbled. It's early! LOL Sometimes,
with family, I think "less is more".

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>


Thanks for the advice so far. Unfortunately we do have to share rooms
and
we are all driving down together. (I don’t have a car and it also saves
on
gas for everyone). This trip is for my b-i-l and my mother’s birthday
(they
share the same birthday) so I’m not really planning for it, nor am I
paying
for anything.

--=-=-=-=-=-=

Just remember that they don't have any power over you---not even
because they are picking up the tab. It was their choice and their
*gift* to you to pay your way. You don't owe others for gifts. You can
be appreciative of their gift, but you don't have to plat their games
in repayment.

Your parents *had* their chance to be parents---and they could be
whatever kind of parents they CHOSE to be. It was a choice. THEIR
choice. Either they think they did an excellent job with you, so they
should be at peace with your decisions. OR---they did a lousy job with
you; and if so, they need to back off while you try better/different
techniques for a better outcome with *your* children. Either way, *you*
are in charge.

And you can ask them: did you feel you did a good job (so trust me) or
a bad job (so let me figure out a better way)? They will *want* to say
they did a GOOD job! <g>

As for your sister, she has ABSOLUTELY NO SAY IN ANYTHING.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

For my parents it would help them to have information beforehand.
They may
not agree with it, but it’s better for them to know what’s going on. My
family tends to be “intellectual” and they like having “information” and
such. The more “expert” it seems the better :(

-=-=-=-=-=-

Well, if they are TRULY intellectuals, they will be open to learn more
about something that's new to them, right? *YOU* have been on both
sides of the fence. *YOU* know the results of their parenting, both as
a child AND as an adult parent. But they have never witnessed "the
other side." If they are *true* life learners, this shouldn't be a
stretch. If they refuse to learn anything about it, they aren't really
life learners at all, are they? <BWG>

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I will definitely talk to my children beforehand and let them know that
if
there is any issue they can come to me first. I don’t want them to feel
like they “have to” do anything just because it’s “family”.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Yeah---let them know that *y'all* are partners. And that, if someone
commands them, they can wait until they talk with you. Not to defiantly
say, "I don't have to!" but to quietly say, "I'd like to talk with my
mom about that first."

If they know you're trying to change and be a better parent, they will
work with you. You can all work together.

My boys and I discuss other parents all the time. It helps me to hear
what they like about my parenting and helps me avoid what they don't
like in others. We talk about why a parent acts a certain way (few
tools, bad modeling, power issues, etc.). They are KEEN observers of
parenting and family relationships. I KNOW they will be better parents
than I am. They already have a lot of better life skills than I had at
their ages! <g> And I think that has a lot to do with asking them to be
my partners in being a better, more mindful parent.

Let *them* help *you* in this. Be sociologists during the trip. Notice
(and remark/discuss when alone) how others act towards each
other---parents, children, siblings, etc. Be observers and compare the
different behaviors, reactions, and power struggles. Decide what you,
as a family would like to emulate and what you would like to stomp into
the ground. A HUGE unit study (<G>) on sociology, psychology, and
"humane-ities." <G>


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

Melissa Gray

I wanted to second whomever said that you have LOTS of time to help
your kids. Whenever we're going to a family situation, I spend a lot
of time talking with my kids about things that have happened in the
past, how it was handled (we also talk over those things as soon as
we leave the situation), and then we talk about what could possibly
happen and how we would like to handle it. I really tend to fall back
into old parenting without a LOT of planning of how I'd like to
handle things, and it does help the kids prepare and give them time
to develop a firm and appropriate manner to defend themselves (as
awful as that sounds) Also, while you are there, be sure to have
time when you can just maybe go for a walk, or do something with just
YOUR kids, we usually have one-on-one time at my in-laws. Just take
one kids for a couple of blocks, so you can say "How's it going? Any
problems?"

My biggest problem with reactions from others tends to be my own
defensiveness. When you try to defend your parenting, it sends a cue
that something is available to attack, that you are insecure about
the choices you've made. So I like Ren's suggestions, about just
Being, but also, be bright and cheerful as you can about things, and
don't ever mutter a complaint about how hard it is (I made that
mistake one time, right after we started homeschooling, four years
later my mother STILL uses it as ammo when things look tough)

If you can, work it into conversations one-on-one with your family
before going, like talking to your mother and saying "You know, I'm
thinking because we don't see you often, the kids will not have a
bedtime while we're there. I'll just help them to bed when they're
tired." I dunno, just seems to make sense, instead of one big thing
that they are thinking through, just little nuggets. If your sister
says something about obedience when you're talking over the phone,
say something like "I know it feels good when they jump right to it,
but isn't it nice to see a generous heart with something done
willingly?"

Where will you be staying? Because with so many kids, surely you
would qualify for a room by yourself! I know when we travel, with
nine of us we have to get two rooms (by law, due to numbers)

Anyway, we've never really done a family trip. A day trip to Tulsa
with my parents was enough for me, and then two days with my in-laws
in Texas, but we had our own bedroom at dh's grandma's house so the
kids could escape in there. Good luck, I wish you the best on this.
Family is nice, but they aren't the end all, be all, especially when
the relationships are damaging.
(hugs)
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane

blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com



On May 6, 2008, at 7:19 PM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:

> Hello in cyberland! Gosh it�s been so long since I�ve posted here.
> I have
> a question that I�m sure has been asked before, and will benefit
> many others
> by my asking it again:
>
> In August we are going on a family trip. Well, my parents, my
> siblings, my
> children and me (dh is sitting this one out). My family doesn�t
> know to the
> extent which I am Unschooling. This will be the first time that we
> will all
> be sharing days and days together (Thursday � Sunday including
> driving to
> our destination together).
>
> Any helpful tips on how to deal with their reactions when my
> children are
> allowed to eat what they want, sleep when they want, etc? My
> sister, in
> particular, is big on �obedience� and being told once to do something.
>
> Honestly part of me does not want to go on this trip, But it is an
> opportunity to spend time with family, and for the most part it can
> be a fun
> trip. I thought about maybe talking with them about my (and now
> dh�s yeah!
> Long story on that turn around!) parenting philosophies. Maybe I
> can send
> them some good links ahead of time so that they know what to
> expect? Any
> suggestions on which links to send?
>
> I�m asking now because I have a few months to maybe soften them up
> and get
> them ready; and to prepare myself as well.
>
> Thanks!
>
> Namast�
> be at peace,
> Maisha
> Khalfani Family Adventures <http://
> khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
> "...life is for entertainment purposes only" ~ Abraham-Hicks
> �Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender,
> thoughtful and
> affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service.
> Love is
> more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a
> present.�
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Melissa Gray

Yes, I've asked the kids to be flexible a bit because our family is
stuck, but also to say "My mom says I can do x, y, z." So that I
become the issue, rather than the kids.

Same about bedtimes, at my in-laws house, their kids have to be in
bed by 9pm, on the weekends even, but out of consideration, we ask
our kids to quiet down and play upstairs in our sleeping area. They
usually go to sleep because 1) they are just as tired as anything
from playing hard all day and 2) they want to be able to get up early
when everyone else does.

Josh usually stays up later, but he gets on the computer and plays
all night. There really aren't very many cousins his age, just one
who's a really big sports guy, and they have nothing in common.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane

blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com



On May 7, 2008, at 7:08 AM, Ren Allen wrote:

> ~~I will definitely talk to my children beforehand and let them know
> that if
> there is any issue they can come to me first. I don't want them to
> feel
> like they "have to" do anything just because it's "family".~~
>
> It might be better to simply explain how your family will handle
> things differently, rather than setting them up for failure by saying
> "you don't have to do what they say".
>
> Just explain how your family might handle different situations and ask
> them to get an arbitrator if they feel they can't handle it (you).
> I've watched this kind of thing happen before, where an RU family sets
> up the entire situation to be "here's how we do it" and everything was
> total chaos and bad feelings all around.
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

keetry

--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:
>
> It's more about adapting to the
> circumstances than trying to have things run a certain way.

I've been thinking about this recently wrt visiting friends. I just
recently reconnected with a friend from years ago. She lives within
visiting distance from us if we make a round trip to stop and visit
some other friends along the way. She has a new baby. I have no idea
what kind of parents she and her husband are. The idea of staying with
them makes me a little nervous, which is what she wants us to really
do. I'm not so concerned about my baby but I am with my 4yo. I wonder
if he would be adaptable since he's never been in a situation like
that. Do I talk to him about things beforehand?

If I do make the trip, I may just have to stay at a hotel.

Alysia

Lesley Cross

My strategy when we're with family who really don't and won't "get it" - or
for whom I'm not willing to make the effort to explain because of past
experience- is to play up the whole "vacation" aspect of things. If someone
questions the kids eating whatever they want, I saw "oh, it's vacation, they
can have what they like". If one of them gets a bit out of sorts (which is
interpreted by some family members as "naughty") I'll give them comfort
privately and mention to the family that the "change of schedule" has the
child feeling a bit off. This seems to allow them to believe that there's
no reason for them to step in and correct our parenting.



Mostly in this situation I see it as protecting my children from family who
are all too willing to see all children as manipulative and bad. If I show
absolutely no signs of being upset by my kids' needs, no one else sees
things as being any different than what they expect. And I always, in all
cases, stand up for them if they're treated badly or I'll translate into
respectful language for family members who aren't being respectful (ie.
"your aunt was wondering if you'd be willing to move your activity elsewhere
because this spot is where everyone needs to walk through" if a relative
were to say "get your stuff out of the way!" or something worse).



Confidence, the ability to walk away from a challenge ("sorry, that's not up
for discussion" or "thanks for the information, that's something to think
about"), and the willingness to simply leave if the family becomes too
oppressive are pretty useful.



Personally, I wouldn't "prepare" anyone or try to make them "understand"
because it just draws more attention and will make your parenting the focus
of the gathering rather than just being with family. Sure, if someone seems
willing to try to understand you can make brief explanations (or give them
references to further information), but I've found that is just as likely to
be thrown back in your face later. If you don't need their approval, you
don't need to seek it. And I've found the less I try to help people
understand, the more respectful they are of my choices and actions when it
comes to my kids.



Lesley



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

kellynrachel

It seems to me that you are preparing yourself for the worst possible
scenario. Is it at all possible that you children will be able to
entertain themselves better than the "obedient" children? Is it
possible that your children have seen how others interact with their
parents and are perceptive enough to keep from causing a major issue?
Is it possible that it won't even come up?

We're heading into a family reunion in August as well. My SIL
home-schools her kids in a very regimented "school-at-home" situation.
My niece and nephew are expected to behavior a certain way at all
times. Though my children and hers are about the same age, I find
that my children are more capable of holding adult conversation,
blending into the social situation, and incorporating all children
into play.

We have always home-schooled and have slid steadily toward unschooling
over the years, but this year is the first time that I would say that
we have an unschooling lifestyle. What do I plan to tell everyone at
the reunion? NOTHING. I will be there for a week, in the same house,
with the kids sharing rooms. I have no intention of making anything
out of it. If anyone asks, I will talk about how I wish for my
children to have a well-balanced life, a strong sense of self, and a
love of life-long learning.

Don't stress so much about it. These are not anyone else's children.
They are yours. They certainly should have enough respect for the
situation that they could find a way to keep themselves busy if the
situation arises that the children are expected to retire to bed.

Talk to your kids about it. Don't bother to talk to anyone else about
it. They likely know that you parent differently, the unschooling
would just make sense if they look at it. Giving them advance
information gives them time only to prejudge your kids. Just leave it
as it is and relax about it.

Rachel

Lisa

It seems to me that in most cases the thing that causes conflict on
trips like this is the "obedience" expectation your sister may have in
that she may expect your children to be obedient to her. It's funny
how so often we are wondering how to make those around us comfortable
and how to tip toe around their expectations but we don't expect our
own comfort. Think about this....if the situation were to arise
that your sister was unkind to your child regarding something she was
expecting obedience about (pick up that toy right now!) ask yourself
how she would feel (and also respect her different way of parenting)
if her child wanted to do something against their rules and you said
"go ahead it's ok with me" it's the same sort of lack of respect for
her parenting. You can even give her that example if she is
demanding that your child be obedient (sorry if my example isn't very
clear!) I would just casually say "my kids don't have a bed time
but we will respect your need for quiet when you chose to go to bed"
or "we think of our children as equal humans who have minds and
dreams of their own we do not give arbitrary rules nor do we expect
them to be obedient just because the person demanding has lived
longer" . I would try hard to be respectful of their ways as well...
I find most conflict comes when people are expecting others to do it
their way ... I would draw the line when it came to them "parenting"
my child but try to remain respectful of their way of parenting (this
excludes of course abusive behavior!) Hopefully they will observe
your peaceful existence with your child and want some of the same for
their family!! Good luck!!

Lisa B

Maisha Khalfani

Thank you so much for the great suggestions. What I’ve gotten so far is
this:



Be calm, confident and joyful

Provide activities for my children

Spend time with my children while we are there

Casually remark how we do things differently if a situation should arise

Don’t be defensive

Talk to my children about the trip beforehand



We are going to Williamsburg, VA (anybody want to meet up?) My sis and her
husband have a timeshare thing so we are staying at some resort/hotel near
Colonial Williamsburg/Busch Gardens.



Oh, my children are 9, 8, 5 and 3.



Thanks again!



Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures

When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully;
five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger;
later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a
troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is
this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from
the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”

~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

lei_seattle7

-hi, I just wanted to add something to help you not to stress about
it. It's a family trip, therefore, it should be about getting
together & having fun. Everyone just needs to be respectful of each
other to avoid conflict or offending one another. If they ask about
unschooling or your education preferences/style. Just say, you don't
want to take up all the vacation days the family have to discuss it
because it will if you do. Ask them to look up/research Brainrules,
joyfully rejoicing or sandra dodd or other references you know, for
them to have some idea or understanding about your way of life/with
the kids. after them doing that and if they still have any questions,
you'd be happy to answer them then.

We're new to unschooling, my husband is still trying to get it. When
he gets frustrated, I just ask him as a reminder. "If you have a yr,
a month, a week or a day to live...how would you spend it with the
kids?" Happy moments, then both agrees.

Lorelei

-- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<maitai373@...> wrote:
>
> Thank you so much for the great suggestions. What I've gotten so
far is
> this:
>
>
>
> Be calm, confident and joyful
>
> Provide activities for my children
>
> Spend time with my children while we are there
>
> Casually remark how we do things differently if a situation should
arise
>
> Don't be defensive
>
> Talk to my children about the trip beforehand
>
>
>
> We are going to Williamsburg, VA (anybody want to meet up?) My sis
and her
> husband have a timeshare thing so we are staying at some
resort/hotel near
> Colonial Williamsburg/Busch Gardens.
>
>
>
> Oh, my children are 9, 8, 5 and 3.
>
>
>
> Thanks again!
>
>
>
> Namasté
> be at peace,
> Maisha
> <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family
Adventures
>
> When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a
bully;
> five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a
mugger;
> later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is
called a
> troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
> disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian.
Why is
> this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so
differently from
> the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
> "Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender,
thoughtful and
> affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service.
Love is
> more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a
present."
>
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

keetry

--- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<maitai373@...> wrote:
>
> We are going to Williamsburg, VA (anybody want to meet up?) My sis
and her
> husband have a timeshare thing so we are staying at some
resort/hotel near
> Colonial Williamsburg/Busch Gardens.
>
>
>
> Oh, my children are 9, 8, 5 and 3.
>
>
>
> Thanks again!
>
>
>
> Namasté
> be at peace,
> Maisha


My mom has a timeshare in Williamsburg. We've gone the past two
years right before Christmas. Our kids, even the older teen, really
like it.

Alysia

Ren Allen

~~"If you have a yr,
a month, a week or a day to live...how would you spend it with the
kids?" Happy moments, then both agrees.~~

Nice way to re-frame what really matters.:)

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

jmarkoski

Hey!
I was born, raised and college educated in Williamsburg. I don't
live there now, but visit my family occasionally. We love Busch
Gardens--have fun!

Julie M
james 9.9.5
tyler 6.8.7


--- In [email protected], "keetry" <keetry@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
> <maitai373@> wrote:
> >
> > We are going to Williamsburg, VA (anybody want to meet up?) My
sis
> and her
> > husband have a timeshare thing so we are staying at some
> resort/hotel near
> > Colonial Williamsburg/Busch Gardens.
> >
> >
> >
> > Oh, my children are 9, 8, 5 and 3.
> >
> >
> >
> > Thanks again!
> >
> >
> >
> > Namasté
> > be at peace,
> > Maisha

keetry

> --- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
> <maitai373@> wrote:
> >
> > We are going to Williamsburg, VA (anybody want to meet up?) My
sis
> and her
> > husband have a timeshare thing so we are staying at some
> resort/hotel near
> > Colonial Williamsburg/Busch Gardens.
> >
> >
> >
> > Oh, my children are 9, 8, 5 and 3.
> >
> >
> >
> > Thanks again!
> >
> >
> >
> > Namasté
> > be at peace,
> > Maisha


I also wanted to say that the outlet stores there are fabulous! I
used to not think much of outlet stores. I checked them out last
time I was there and got some incredible bargains for my kids! A
great way to stock up on clothes for the next season really cheap.

Alysia