Adrean Clark

This has happened to us twice and upset Jael. We make plans for
friends and they back out, because their children are grounded. To me
it feels like they're punishing my kids as well. I've given Jael the
facts but don't know how to make it any easier on him. Suggestions? :/

Adrean

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Debra Rossing

No ideas here. That's happened to DS once or twice with a family we had
regularly scheduled playdates with for a few years. At first, it was
upsetting to DS because it disrupted how he saw the day going - sudden
schedule changes are always an issue. But, one time, he went over there
to play (there are 3 boys in the family, a set of twins slightly older
than DS and another slightly younger than DS, made for a great 'pack' of
boys to play) and the youngest was 'allowed' to play but the other two
hadn't finished their schoolwork (they home'school') so they couldn't
play. DS also started noticing that they had to ask permission to use
their Gameboys and had limits on how long they could play - something
foreign to him. He couldn't quite understand why someone would give a
kid a Gameboy and then not let them use it. We'd talk it through,
validate his feelings, and now - at almost 10 - he actually feels a bit
sorry for kids who are forced to do or not do things, all the rules,
regulations, chores, schoolwork/homework, etc. That's why we call him
our "Free Radical" - he thinks all kids should be set free to grow, and
explore, and live life.

Deb


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Faith Void

We have had this happen as well. Or people say "My kid can't play
video games (fill in the blank) at your house because s/he is punished
for x reason." I explain it to my kids but, yeah they feel punished
too. They do get over the disappointment and we move on.
Faith


On Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 12:51 PM, Adrean Clark <adreanaline@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> This has happened to us twice and upset Jael. We make plans for
> friends and they back out, because their children are grounded. To me
> it feels like they're punishing my kids as well. I've given Jael the
> facts but don't know how to make it any easier on him. Suggestions? :/
>
> Adrean
>
> --
> Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com
>



--
www.bearthmama.com

Samantha

--- In [email protected], "Adrean Clark"
<adreanaline@...> wrote:
>
> This has happened to us twice and upset Jael. We make plans for
> friends and they back out, because their children are grounded. To me
> it feels like they're punishing my kids as well. I've given Jael the
> facts but don't know how to make it any easier on him. Suggestions? :/
>
> Adrean
>
> --
>
Hi,
I know the feeling, it happens all to often or homework seems to get
inn the way of friends coming over. I have learned to never tell my
children that their friends are coming until I know they are on the
way, in route, I request a phone call from the parent to let me know
they are on the way. It works for some cases. Another problem, I ran
into was that the parents may over book them selves and cant drive,so I
offer to pick up and drop off a lot. I tell my kids that we have made
tenative plans, but that I wont know for sure until they are on the
way. I quit saying anything that sounds like a for sure thing. The
dissapointment is not so great that way, and when they do get
dissapointed I try and come up with something else we can go do thats
fun. I hope this helps some.
Samantha

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Adrean Clark <adreanaline@...>

This has happened to us twice and upset Jael. We make plans for
friends and they back out, because their children are grounded. To me
it feels like they're punishing my kids as well. I've given Jael the
facts but don't know how to make it any easier on him. Suggestions? :/

-=-=-=-=-

All I can say is that *I* don't think that's right. And I tell my boys
that *my* relationship with them is so much more important and that I
would never do such a thing to them. I say that I'm sooo sorry someone
else would treat her own kids this way and that I'm so mad she would
choose to inflict such treatment on my boys as a side effect. I think
it's creepy, and I would say so.

I would say that that is one reason we choose to parent the way we
do---because I hate to see things like that happen. I am as open and
honest as I can be about the situation. We commiserate with each other
and with the absent friend. And we realize why *our* house is the cool
house to hang out at! <g>



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

[email protected]

-----Original Message----
From: Debra Rossing <debra.rossing@...>

DS also started noticing that they had to ask permission to use
their Gameboys and had limits on how long they could play - something
foreign to him. He couldn't quite understand why someone would give a
kid a Gameboy and then not let them use it.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Yeah--how can parents impose such a creepy thing when the game BELONGS
to the CHILD???

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

We'd talk it through,
validate his feelings, and now - at almost 10 - he actually feels a bit
sorry for kids who are forced to do or not do things, all the rules,
regulations, chores, schoolwork/homework, etc. That's why we call him
our "Free Radical" - he thinks all kids should be set free to grow, and
explore, and live life.

-=-=-=-

Mine too. As they get older, they see how other families work, and our
home seems so happy and peaceful!

We can't do anything about the other families, but we *can* make *our*
home a more pleasant place to be.



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

marji

At 16:49 4/29/2008, Kelly wrote:
>-=-=-=-
>
>Mine too. As they get older, they see how other families work, and our
>home seems so happy and peaceful!
>
>We can't do anything about the other families, but we *can* make *our*
>home a more pleasant place to be.

Yeah! One thing I have noticed is that Liam notices the sometimes
stark contrast and is very appreciative of his peaceful, joyful,
sensible, even if sorta funky home, perhaps more than he might be if
every other home were also as peaceful and nonpunitive. Or maybe
not. I don't know. He sure expresses a lot of gratitude!

~Marji









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<http://www.joyfullyparenting.com/>Joyfully Parenting & Life Coaching
<http://zintz-kunkel.blogspot.com/>Our Unschooling Life (a 'blog)
<http://marji365.blogspot.com/>Marji's Project 365 'Blog
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Melissa Gray

To my kids, it feels no different than families who make plans with
us and back out because they found something else to do.

We talk about why families make other choices, we talk about why we
make our choices, and then we talk about who else we could call.

Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane

blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
Find out what's going on by me at MYZIP.COM
http://www.73071.net

:

> -----Original Message-----
> From: Adrean Clark <adreanaline@...>
>
> This has happened to us twice and upset Jael. We make plans for
> friends and they back out, because their children are grounded. To me
> it feels like they're punishing my kids as well. I've given Jael the
> facts but don't know how to make it any easier on him. Suggestions? :/
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lisa

My son participates in a science co-op and really enjoys it... it was
his choice to join and each week if he doesn't want to go (so far only
once has he decided not to go) we don't go. Today he was talking to
one of the other boys about watching television and was shocked to
find out that this little boy isn't allowed to watch television except
for watching videos on Friday nights. He is also limited on computer
and video game time. Jack thought that was such a foreign concept
and was even further confused when the mother said "normally he gets
to use the computer for an hour a day but he lost his computer time
this week for having a potty mouth" Later he asked me what
grounded meant and why other kids get grounded. Now mind you most of
these parents are very young and have very young children and I
suppose just haven't gotten a clue yet. I made the comment that we
didn't limit tv, video games or computer time and the other parents
were shocked. We have had other conversations about not having
bedtimes and limits on other things so they pretty much think I am a
nut! Ok and the fact that my child pulled a wagon to the top of the
hill in the backyard and rode it down while the other kids were eating
snack like they hadn't been fed in days (another limit they all put on
their kids! UGH!) By the end all of the kids rode the wagon down
while each parent tried to stop them by telling them they would
probably crash and get hurt! Since Jack is my youngest I think they
all think I have just "given up" yet they always comment on how
pleasant he is and he's never a problem. Oh and I won't even get
into the consequences I saw being doled out when one boy threw a ball
inside the house and broke two small vases that were on a shelf (the
hostess immediately told the mom it wasn't a big deal the vases were
inexpensive trinkets from Ikea and not to worry!) I really think the
mom was embarrassed more than angry..I never have figured that one
out... kids are kids and everyone makes mistakes so why should it
reflect on you as a parent if something happens like that? I would
apologize, offer to replace the broken item or compensate them if the
item wasn't easily replaced and that would just be it (hopefully the
injured party would be gracious!)
We have also had play dates canceled because someone was grounded or
in trouble and it's always last minute... I just can't figure out why
they don't understand they are not just punishing their child but mine
who didn't do anything!
Lisa B




-

keetry

--- In [email protected], "Debra Rossing"
<debra.rossing@...> wrote:
>
> That's why we call him
> our "Free Radical" - he thinks all kids should be set free to grow,
and
> explore, and live life.
>
> Deb



I have a piece of paper that my oldest wrote a note on a long time
ago. I wish I had dated it now. I think maybe he was around 10. It
says, "I wish it was a free world."

Alysia

DJ250

I've had the same thing happen--the cancellation of a playdate due to punishment. And I've asked that they not do that again, please, as it punishes us, too!! Yet, they've done it again, and again, my poor child is frustrated and very disappointed!

~Melissa :)

----- Original Message -----
From: Lisa
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, April 29, 2008 8:00 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re:Other kids getting punished


My son participates in a science co-op and really enjoys it... it was
his choice to join and each week if he doesn't want to go (so far only
once has he decided not to go) we don't go. Today he was talking to
one of the other boys about watching television and was shocked to
find out that this little boy isn't allowed to watch television except
for watching videos on Friday nights. He is also limited on computer
and video game time. Jack thought that was such a foreign concept
and was even further confused when the mother said "normally he gets
to use the computer for an hour a day but he lost his computer time
this week for having a potty mouth" Later he asked me what
grounded meant and why other kids get grounded. Now mind you most of
these parents are very young and have very young children and I
suppose just haven't gotten a clue yet. I made the comment that we
didn't limit tv, video games or computer time and the other parents
were shocked. We have had other conversations about not having
bedtimes and limits on other things so they pretty much think I am a
nut! Ok and the fact that my child pulled a wagon to the top of the
hill in the backyard and rode it down while the other kids were eating
snack like they hadn't been fed in days (another limit they all put on
their kids! UGH!) By the end all of the kids rode the wagon down
while each parent tried to stop them by telling them they would
probably crash and get hurt! Since Jack is my youngest I think they
all think I have just "given up" yet they always comment on how
pleasant he is and he's never a problem. Oh and I won't even get
into the consequences I saw being doled out when one boy threw a ball
inside the house and broke two small vases that were on a shelf (the
hostess immediately told the mom it wasn't a big deal the vases were
inexpensive trinkets from Ikea and not to worry!) I really think the
mom was embarrassed more than angry..I never have figured that one
out... kids are kids and everyone makes mistakes so why should it
reflect on you as a parent if something happens like that? I would
apologize, offer to replace the broken item or compensate them if the
item wasn't easily replaced and that would just be it (hopefully the
injured party would be gracious!)
We have also had play dates canceled because someone was grounded or
in trouble and it's always last minute... I just can't figure out why
they don't understand they are not just punishing their child but mine
who didn't do anything!
Lisa B

-






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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Anita

Lisa, have you told the other parents what you told us? Just continue
to graciously tell them your side of it. Jokingly say that you're kids
didn't do anything, and why should they be withdrawn from a designated
playdate that was scheduled? Most parents will never see your side of
it unless you share it.
Anita

>>> I just can't figure out why they don't understand they are not just
punishing their child but mine who didn't do anything!
Lisa B <<<

Meredith

--- In [email protected], Melissa Gray <autismhelp@...>
wrote:
>
> To my kids, it feels no different than families who make plans with
> us and back out because they found something else to do.

This is a really good point. Its not necessary to take on the idea
of "punishment" for our own families. If anything, saying "I feel like
we're being punished" suggests that the other family has some sort of
authority to change your behavior - and they don't.

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)

barefootmamax4

Although we haven't had the experience of kids not being able to keep a
play date because of punishment, we recently had an experience that
kind of shook me. We were visiting a friend I have not seen in a while.

We used to be very good friends, but a few years ago they became born
again Christians (which is fine, I don't have a problem with that)and
decided that we were to worldly, so they didn't invite us over very
much. They did invite us over and she was talking about how she needs
to punish her 3 yr old by spanking him with a paddle because he doesn't
say hello back when the pastor says hello to him. Then she left him in
the bathroom for 1/2 an hour because he peed his pants. Fortunately my
kids did not see any of this because they were outside in the back,and
we left right then.

I feel like I don't want to see them anymore, so I know how other
people feel when they say they don't want to see us anymore!
-Kelly

Vickisue Gray

Wow Kelly,

How did you handle that?
I would have been out of my mind wanting to tell my 'friend' she was insane! The child was only three? Nope. I wouldn't want my kids around her either. Shoot, I don't even want HER kids around her.

Yikes!


---------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

keetry

--- In [email protected], "barefootmamax4"
<barefootmamax4@...> wrote:
>
> she was talking about how she needs
> to punish her 3 yr old by spanking him with a paddle because he
doesn't
> say hello back when the pastor says hello to him.

Is it legal there to spank a child with a paddle? Here it's only
legal to spank with your hand. You cannot hit a child with any other
kind of instrument. Just something to think about.

Then she left him in
> the bathroom for 1/2 an hour because he peed his pants.
Fortunately my
> kids did not see any of this because they were outside in the
back,and
> we left right then.
>
> I feel like I don't want to see them anymore, so I know how other
> people feel when they say they don't want to see us anymore!
> -Kelly
>


I wouldn't go back there, either. That is child abuse and I would
not be able to stand it.

Alysia

nanceconfer

WTF!

That's child abuse, folks.

Ex-kind-of-a-friend-you-still-see-sometimes or not, she needs to be
told that she's not allowed to do these things.

That if DCF shows up at her door, this isn't going to be acceptable
and, more importantly, it's not acceptable to most civilized people.

What else does she does she do when you're not there? Whatever she and
her husband get up to, they shouldn't be hiding behind their religion
to terrorize their kids and if she hasn't figured that out on her own
and needs to be told, you need to tell her!

Nance




--- In [email protected], "barefootmamax4"
<barefootmamax4@...> wrote:
>
> Although we haven't had the experience of kids not being able to keep a
> play date because of punishment, we recently had an experience that
> kind of shook me. We were visiting a friend I have not seen in a while.
>
> We used to be very good friends, but a few years ago they became born
> again Christians (which is fine, I don't have a problem with that)and
> decided that we were to worldly, so they didn't invite us over very
> much. They did invite us over and she was talking about how she needs
> to punish her 3 yr old by spanking him with a paddle because he doesn't
> say hello back when the pastor says hello to him. Then she left him in
> the bathroom for 1/2 an hour because he peed his pants. Fortunately my
> kids did not see any of this because they were outside in the back,and
> we left right then.
>
> I feel like I don't want to see them anymore, so I know how other
> people feel when they say they don't want to see us anymore!
> -Kelly
>

nanceconfer

And here's a site for more information, as we just finished Child
Abuse Prevention month and just had SpankOut Day --

http://www.odonnellweb.com/wiki/pmwiki.php?n=Main.NationalSpankOutOrPrayerDay

Nance



-- In [email protected], "nanceconfer"
<marbleface@...> wrote:
>
> WTF!
>
> That's child abuse, folks.
>
> Ex-kind-of-a-friend-you-still-see-sometimes or not, she needs to be
> told that she's not allowed to do these things.
>
> That if DCF shows up at her door, this isn't going to be acceptable
> and, more importantly, it's not acceptable to most civilized people.
>
> What else does she does she do when you're not there? Whatever she and
> her husband get up to, they shouldn't be hiding behind their religion
> to terrorize their kids and if she hasn't figured that out on her own
> and needs to be told, you need to tell her!
>
> Nance
>
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected], "barefootmamax4"
> <barefootmamax4@> wrote:
> >
> > Although we haven't had the experience of kids not being able to
keep a
> > play date because of punishment, we recently had an experience that
> > kind of shook me. We were visiting a friend I have not seen in a
while.
> >
> > We used to be very good friends, but a few years ago they became born
> > again Christians (which is fine, I don't have a problem with that)and
> > decided that we were to worldly, so they didn't invite us over very
> > much. They did invite us over and she was talking about how she needs
> > to punish her 3 yr old by spanking him with a paddle because he
doesn't
> > say hello back when the pastor says hello to him. Then she left
him in
> > the bathroom for 1/2 an hour because he peed his pants.
Fortunately my
> > kids did not see any of this because they were outside in the
back,and
> > we left right then.
> >
> > I feel like I don't want to see them anymore, so I know how other
> > people feel when they say they don't want to see us anymore!
> > -Kelly
> >
>

Ren Allen

~~Ex-kind-of-a-friend-you-still-see-sometimes or not, she needs to be
told that she's not allowed to do these things.~~

I agree.
By not speaking out against abuse, that is a form of consent.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com