melt downs
Maisha Khalfani
Hello everyone - it's been a minute since I've posted. I do have a
questioned for you more seasoned parents.
Dakari (8 yrs) is still prone to meltdowns. I'm still not sure what to do,
if anything at all. And then I think after 8 yrs I ought to know what to do
to help him. But maybe I don't want to "help" him..maybe I want to stop him
from melting down (epiphany moment).
Yesterday we went to the circus - great fun! When the ringmaster announced
that the circus was done, and "thanks for coming", Dakari immediately put on
his coat and got up. The ring master said it was time to go, so to Dakari
that meant it was time to go. But it was sooo crowded. And Khalid and
Khidar were sleeping, and we had to put on their coats, so Jabari and I
wanted to wait for the Verizon Center (here in D.C.) to clear out. That was
not Dakari's plan. He just broke down sobbing, and had trouble breathing as
though he was having a panic attack. I asked Dakari to come and see me -
Jabari was frustrated by it all - and I gave him a hug and said "it's time
to leave?" he said "yes" I said "the ringmaster said it was time to go, so
you wanted to leave?" he said "yes". I hugged him again. He was crying
pretty hard. Then he slowly stopped and started rubbing my back like I was
the one upset! LOL What a sweet boy.
I guess I did the right thing. I just always wonder what the trigger is.
Well, actually..the trigger is that something didn't happen exactly as he
thinks it should. Unfortunately I'm not able to arrange life for Dakari so
that upsets don't happen. The best I can do is help him to find a way to
calm down. Jabari can't take it at all. Sadly we've both been known to
shame Dakari for his reactions. Ugh!
The other thing is Dakari continues to follow everything that Safiya (9)
does. Her bookbag handle broke so she changed bookbags. Dakari then wanted
to change his bookbag. But the other one he had wasn't working. So he
started to cry. It's like that with everything. If Safiya says her leg
hurt because she fell, Dakari will say his arm hurts. If Safiya says she's
hungry, Dakari will be hungry too. If Safiya says "I'm taking a shower"
Dakari will say "I'm taking a bath". It's as though he doesn't have his own
internal navigational system. Is that okay? It's still really annoying to
Safiya. She doesn't like it when she goes to do something or make something
or draw something and Dakari does the exact same thing. If I want to know
what Dakari really likes I have to ask him first. And then ask Safiya. And
then Dakari will change his mind afterwards to whatever it was Safiya said!
Maybe it's because she older? I don't know.
Okay..sorry for the long post.
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
EarthSpirit Journeys <http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/>
"We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot
accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will
experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and
self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and
never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we
reject ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they
are."
~ Don Miguel Ruiz
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
questioned for you more seasoned parents.
Dakari (8 yrs) is still prone to meltdowns. I'm still not sure what to do,
if anything at all. And then I think after 8 yrs I ought to know what to do
to help him. But maybe I don't want to "help" him..maybe I want to stop him
from melting down (epiphany moment).
Yesterday we went to the circus - great fun! When the ringmaster announced
that the circus was done, and "thanks for coming", Dakari immediately put on
his coat and got up. The ring master said it was time to go, so to Dakari
that meant it was time to go. But it was sooo crowded. And Khalid and
Khidar were sleeping, and we had to put on their coats, so Jabari and I
wanted to wait for the Verizon Center (here in D.C.) to clear out. That was
not Dakari's plan. He just broke down sobbing, and had trouble breathing as
though he was having a panic attack. I asked Dakari to come and see me -
Jabari was frustrated by it all - and I gave him a hug and said "it's time
to leave?" he said "yes" I said "the ringmaster said it was time to go, so
you wanted to leave?" he said "yes". I hugged him again. He was crying
pretty hard. Then he slowly stopped and started rubbing my back like I was
the one upset! LOL What a sweet boy.
I guess I did the right thing. I just always wonder what the trigger is.
Well, actually..the trigger is that something didn't happen exactly as he
thinks it should. Unfortunately I'm not able to arrange life for Dakari so
that upsets don't happen. The best I can do is help him to find a way to
calm down. Jabari can't take it at all. Sadly we've both been known to
shame Dakari for his reactions. Ugh!
The other thing is Dakari continues to follow everything that Safiya (9)
does. Her bookbag handle broke so she changed bookbags. Dakari then wanted
to change his bookbag. But the other one he had wasn't working. So he
started to cry. It's like that with everything. If Safiya says her leg
hurt because she fell, Dakari will say his arm hurts. If Safiya says she's
hungry, Dakari will be hungry too. If Safiya says "I'm taking a shower"
Dakari will say "I'm taking a bath". It's as though he doesn't have his own
internal navigational system. Is that okay? It's still really annoying to
Safiya. She doesn't like it when she goes to do something or make something
or draw something and Dakari does the exact same thing. If I want to know
what Dakari really likes I have to ask him first. And then ask Safiya. And
then Dakari will change his mind afterwards to whatever it was Safiya said!
Maybe it's because she older? I don't know.
Okay..sorry for the long post.
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
EarthSpirit Journeys <http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/>
"We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot
accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will
experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and
self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and
never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we
reject ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they
are."
~ Don Miguel Ruiz
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Mar 30, 2008, at 2:37 PM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:
that it isn't going as you wished, huh? Let's figure out what we CAN
do. How about, for right now, I rub your back for a couple of minutes?"
In other words, recognize his emotions/feelings - guess if you have
to, be open to the possibility that you've guess wrong - he will
likely correct you and you can go with that. Then immediately make it
clear that there is another option than melting down over it - "Let's
think." And make a suggestion. Depending on how fast you step in, he
might not be able to get into this process - so it won't "work" every
time to stop that meltdown. But that's not the point, anyway. The
point is that when he's having those frustrated feelings that you name
the feelings, recognize them, open him up to the idea of thinking of
options when those feelings arise.
Naming the feelings with words gives him the possibility of saying how
he's starting to feel before he is overwhelmed. "Mom, this is SO
frustrating."
Introducing the idea of looking at options - slowly, over time, that
will become his own response to those frustrated feelings.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I guess I did the right thing. I just always wonder what the triggerIn the moment, it might help to say that out loud to him. "Frustrating
> is.
> Well, actually..the trigger is that something didn't happen exactly
> as he
> thinks it should.
that it isn't going as you wished, huh? Let's figure out what we CAN
do. How about, for right now, I rub your back for a couple of minutes?"
In other words, recognize his emotions/feelings - guess if you have
to, be open to the possibility that you've guess wrong - he will
likely correct you and you can go with that. Then immediately make it
clear that there is another option than melting down over it - "Let's
think." And make a suggestion. Depending on how fast you step in, he
might not be able to get into this process - so it won't "work" every
time to stop that meltdown. But that's not the point, anyway. The
point is that when he's having those frustrated feelings that you name
the feelings, recognize them, open him up to the idea of thinking of
options when those feelings arise.
Naming the feelings with words gives him the possibility of saying how
he's starting to feel before he is overwhelmed. "Mom, this is SO
frustrating."
Introducing the idea of looking at options - slowly, over time, that
will become his own response to those frustrated feelings.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The Patersons
I don't know what people on this list think of the book 'The Explosive
Child' but it made a big difference to me dealing with my autistic child
who just cannot handle any uncertainty. The other thing is perhaps your son
needs to be checked out medically. If he's always losing it, it may be that
he just can't help himself and he needs some extra help. I am NOT talking
about Ritalin or a drug - but some foods can have adverse effects on the
nervous system, so it can be good to get someone who knows to check him out.
Cecily
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Maisha Khalfani
Sent: Monday, 31 March 2008 8:38 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [SPAM][unschoolingbasics] melt downs
Hello everyone - it's been a minute since I've posted. I do have a
questioned for you more seasoned parents.
Dakari (8 yrs) is still prone to meltdowns. I'm still not sure what to do,
if anything at all. And then I think after 8 yrs I ought to know what to do
to help him. But maybe I don't want to "help" him..maybe I want to stop him
from melting down (epiphany moment).
Yesterday we went to the circus - great fun! When the ringmaster announced
that the circus was done, and "thanks for coming", Dakari immediately put on
his coat and got up. The ring master said it was time to go, so to Dakari
that meant it was time to go. But it was sooo crowded. And Khalid and
Khidar were sleeping, and we had to put on their coats, so Jabari and I
wanted to wait for the Verizon Center (here in D.C.) to clear out. That was
not Dakari's plan. He just broke down sobbing, and had trouble breathing as
though he was having a panic attack. I asked Dakari to come and see me -
Jabari was frustrated by it all - and I gave him a hug and said "it's time
to leave?" he said "yes" I said "the ringmaster said it was time to go, so
you wanted to leave?" he said "yes". I hugged him again. He was crying
pretty hard. Then he slowly stopped and started rubbing my back like I was
the one upset! LOL What a sweet boy.
I guess I did the right thing. I just always wonder what the trigger is.
Well, actually..the trigger is that something didn't happen exactly as he
thinks it should. Unfortunately I'm not able to arrange life for Dakari so
that upsets don't happen. The best I can do is help him to find a way to
calm down. Jabari can't take it at all. Sadly we've both been known to
shame Dakari for his reactions. Ugh!
The other thing is Dakari continues to follow everything that Safiya (9)
does. Her bookbag handle broke so she changed bookbags. Dakari then wanted
to change his bookbag. But the other one he had wasn't working. So he
started to cry. It's like that with everything. If Safiya says her leg
hurt because she fell, Dakari will say his arm hurts. If Safiya says she's
hungry, Dakari will be hungry too. If Safiya says "I'm taking a shower"
Dakari will say "I'm taking a bath". It's as though he doesn't have his own
internal navigational system. Is that okay? It's still really annoying to
Safiya. She doesn't like it when she goes to do something or make something
or draw something and Dakari does the exact same thing. If I want to know
what Dakari really likes I have to ask him first. And then ask Safiya. And
then Dakari will change his mind afterwards to whatever it was Safiya said!
Maybe it's because she older? I don't know.
Okay..sorry for the long post.
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
EarthSpirit Journeys <http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/>
"We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot
accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will
experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and
self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and
never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we
reject ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they
are."
~ Don Miguel Ruiz
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Child' but it made a big difference to me dealing with my autistic child
who just cannot handle any uncertainty. The other thing is perhaps your son
needs to be checked out medically. If he's always losing it, it may be that
he just can't help himself and he needs some extra help. I am NOT talking
about Ritalin or a drug - but some foods can have adverse effects on the
nervous system, so it can be good to get someone who knows to check him out.
Cecily
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Maisha Khalfani
Sent: Monday, 31 March 2008 8:38 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [SPAM][unschoolingbasics] melt downs
Hello everyone - it's been a minute since I've posted. I do have a
questioned for you more seasoned parents.
Dakari (8 yrs) is still prone to meltdowns. I'm still not sure what to do,
if anything at all. And then I think after 8 yrs I ought to know what to do
to help him. But maybe I don't want to "help" him..maybe I want to stop him
from melting down (epiphany moment).
Yesterday we went to the circus - great fun! When the ringmaster announced
that the circus was done, and "thanks for coming", Dakari immediately put on
his coat and got up. The ring master said it was time to go, so to Dakari
that meant it was time to go. But it was sooo crowded. And Khalid and
Khidar were sleeping, and we had to put on their coats, so Jabari and I
wanted to wait for the Verizon Center (here in D.C.) to clear out. That was
not Dakari's plan. He just broke down sobbing, and had trouble breathing as
though he was having a panic attack. I asked Dakari to come and see me -
Jabari was frustrated by it all - and I gave him a hug and said "it's time
to leave?" he said "yes" I said "the ringmaster said it was time to go, so
you wanted to leave?" he said "yes". I hugged him again. He was crying
pretty hard. Then he slowly stopped and started rubbing my back like I was
the one upset! LOL What a sweet boy.
I guess I did the right thing. I just always wonder what the trigger is.
Well, actually..the trigger is that something didn't happen exactly as he
thinks it should. Unfortunately I'm not able to arrange life for Dakari so
that upsets don't happen. The best I can do is help him to find a way to
calm down. Jabari can't take it at all. Sadly we've both been known to
shame Dakari for his reactions. Ugh!
The other thing is Dakari continues to follow everything that Safiya (9)
does. Her bookbag handle broke so she changed bookbags. Dakari then wanted
to change his bookbag. But the other one he had wasn't working. So he
started to cry. It's like that with everything. If Safiya says her leg
hurt because she fell, Dakari will say his arm hurts. If Safiya says she's
hungry, Dakari will be hungry too. If Safiya says "I'm taking a shower"
Dakari will say "I'm taking a bath". It's as though he doesn't have his own
internal navigational system. Is that okay? It's still really annoying to
Safiya. She doesn't like it when she goes to do something or make something
or draw something and Dakari does the exact same thing. If I want to know
what Dakari really likes I have to ask him first. And then ask Safiya. And
then Dakari will change his mind afterwards to whatever it was Safiya said!
Maybe it's because she older? I don't know.
Okay..sorry for the long post.
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
EarthSpirit Journeys <http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/>
"We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot
accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will
experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and
self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and
never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we
reject ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they
are."
~ Don Miguel Ruiz
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Mar 30, 2008, at 6:08 PM, The Patersons wrote:
the overall idea is great as it is really an encouragement to set the
stage for the child to be successful. Focus is on the environment, not
on "fixing" the child. The child matures, develops better strategies
for coping with frustration and disappointment, becomes more flexible,
and so on, when those characteristics are supported.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I don't know what people on this list think of the book 'The ExplosiveI've often recommended it. I don't necessarily endorse every word, but
> Child' but it made a big difference to me dealing with my autistic
> child
> who just cannot handle any uncertainty.
the overall idea is great as it is really an encouragement to set the
stage for the child to be successful. Focus is on the environment, not
on "fixing" the child. The child matures, develops better strategies
for coping with frustration and disappointment, becomes more flexible,
and so on, when those characteristics are supported.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maisha Khalfani
<<Introducing the idea of looking at options - slowly, over time, that
will become his own response to those frustrated feelings.>>
Thanks Pam. Now what about him and his sister? Here's an example: a few
days ago Khalid and Khidar wanted cereal. So fixed them each a bowl.
Dakari said he was hungry and wanted cereal too. So I started to fix him a
bowl. He goes into the living room and asks Safiya if she's having cereal.
Safiya says no. About a minute later (I hadn't poured the milk yet) I ask
Dakari if he still wants cereal. He says "I'll think about it". Meaning he
wasn't going to have any since Safiya wasn't going to have any.
And last night as we were eating dinner, watching cartoons on the computer,
Dakari got up from where he was and went over to Safiya (only Safiya) and
said "Safiya eat your food. You're not eating". He was concerned because
he was almost done and she hadn't started eating yet.
Just this morning, as they were leaving for school (only two more months!
Woo hoo!) Dakari was on the floor crying because Safiya wasn't ready yet.
I let him know that they still had time - I think he was worried about being
late.
It's as though in his mind they have to do everything together. And if
Safiya does it and he doesn't, he gets upset. But the thing is...if he does
something and Safiya doesn't do it, he gets even more upset.
I'm not sure if there's anything I should do about this, or just let it go.
It really annoys Safiya.
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
<http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/> EarthSpirit Journeys
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
will become his own response to those frustrated feelings.>>
Thanks Pam. Now what about him and his sister? Here's an example: a few
days ago Khalid and Khidar wanted cereal. So fixed them each a bowl.
Dakari said he was hungry and wanted cereal too. So I started to fix him a
bowl. He goes into the living room and asks Safiya if she's having cereal.
Safiya says no. About a minute later (I hadn't poured the milk yet) I ask
Dakari if he still wants cereal. He says "I'll think about it". Meaning he
wasn't going to have any since Safiya wasn't going to have any.
And last night as we were eating dinner, watching cartoons on the computer,
Dakari got up from where he was and went over to Safiya (only Safiya) and
said "Safiya eat your food. You're not eating". He was concerned because
he was almost done and she hadn't started eating yet.
Just this morning, as they were leaving for school (only two more months!
Woo hoo!) Dakari was on the floor crying because Safiya wasn't ready yet.
I let him know that they still had time - I think he was worried about being
late.
It's as though in his mind they have to do everything together. And if
Safiya does it and he doesn't, he gets upset. But the thing is...if he does
something and Safiya doesn't do it, he gets even more upset.
I'm not sure if there's anything I should do about this, or just let it go.
It really annoys Safiya.
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
<http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/> EarthSpirit Journeys
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
keetry
Have you asked Dakari in a moment when nothing is going on, maybe
when it's just the 2 of you, why what Safiya does is so important to
him?
Alysia
--- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<maitai373@...> wrote:
when it's just the 2 of you, why what Safiya does is so important to
him?
Alysia
--- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<maitai373@...> wrote:
>that
> <<Introducing the idea of looking at options - slowly, over time,
> will become his own response to those frustrated feelings.>>example: a few
>
>
>
> Thanks Pam. Now what about him and his sister? Here's an
> days ago Khalid and Khidar wanted cereal. So fixed them each abowl.
> Dakari said he was hungry and wanted cereal too. So I started tofix him a
> bowl. He goes into the living room and asks Safiya if she'shaving cereal.
> Safiya says no. About a minute later (I hadn't poured the milkyet) I ask
> Dakari if he still wants cereal. He says "I'll think about it".Meaning he
> wasn't going to have any since Safiya wasn't going to have any.computer,
>
>
>
> And last night as we were eating dinner, watching cartoons on the
> Dakari got up from where he was and went over to Safiya (onlySafiya) and
> said "Safiya eat your food. You're not eating". He was concernedbecause
> he was almost done and she hadn't started eating yet.months!
>
>
>
> Just this morning, as they were leaving for school (only two more
> Woo hoo!) Dakari was on the floor crying because Safiya wasn'tready yet.
> I let him know that they still had time - I think he was worriedabout being
> late.And if
>
>
>
> It's as though in his mind they have to do everything together.
> Safiya does it and he doesn't, he gets upset. But the thingis...if he does
> something and Safiya doesn't do it, he gets even more upset.let it go.
>
>
>
> I'm not sure if there's anything I should do about this, or just
> It really annoys Safiya.Adventures
>
>
>
>
>
> be at peace,
>
> Maisha
>
> <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family
>thoughtful and
> <http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/> EarthSpirit Journeys
>
> "Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender,
> affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service.Love is
> more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than apresent."
>
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Maisha Khalfani
<<Have you asked Dakari in a moment when nothing is going on, maybe
when it's just the 2 of you, why what Safiya does is so important to
him?
Alysia>>
I have. His response is "I don't know". But I'll ask him again. It's been
a while since I've asked him.
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
<http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/> EarthSpirit Journeys
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
when it's just the 2 of you, why what Safiya does is so important to
him?
Alysia>>
I have. His response is "I don't know". But I'll ask him again. It's been
a while since I've asked him.
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
<http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/> EarthSpirit Journeys
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]