Stephanie Tavera

So I found out today that my son who is 9 years old has found out
about online porn. Eeek! And apparently his friend wanted to look at
porn when he was over here. I was checking his online history and it
showed it all the way from 3 days ago. At first he lied and said it
was his friend but then when I saw it was from 3 days ago he then said
he was sorry and that his brain is making him do it. I was quiet the
whole time because I don't know what to say. He then said he was a bad
kid and started crying. I told him he was not a bad kid. I think I'm
definitely going to have to talk to him about the birds and the bees.
Or have Dh talk to him about it. He;s my oldest child and honestly i
don't know how to go about this at all. I don't want him to have that
stuff in his head or try to do this with other kids but I also know
that even if I try to take it away he could still find it somehow.
What do I do?

Stephanie T

diana jenner

On Thu, Mar 27, 2008 at 7:04 PM, Stephanie Tavera <familiatavera@...>
wrote:

> So I found out today that my son who is 9 years old has found out
> about online porn. Eeek! And apparently his friend wanted to look at
> porn when he was over here. I was checking his online history and it
> showed it all the way from 3 days ago. At first he lied and said it
> was his friend but then when I saw it was from 3 days ago he then said
> he was sorry and that his brain is making him do it. I was quiet the
> whole time because I don't know what to say. He then said he was a bad
> kid and started crying. I told him he was not a bad kid. I think I'm
> definitely going to have to talk to him about the birds and the bees.
> Or have Dh talk to him about it. He;s my oldest child and honestly i
> don't know how to go about this at all. I don't want him to have that
> stuff in his head or try to do this with other kids but I also know
> that even if I try to take it away he could still find it somehow.
> What do I do?
>

Proof indeed that if *you* don't provide an atmosphere where sexuality is
treated as a holistic part of the human existence, your child will find the
folks who provide just the *sex* component of humanity.
If you need some impetus to have (an on-going, life-long) conversation about
human sexuality, I recommend "It's Perfectly
Normal<http://search.a1books.com/cgi-bin/mktSearch?act=showDesc&code=gbase&rel=1&ITEM_CODE=1564021599>"
(available on line as low as $*.*25!!) -- even (maybe especially) to leave
on his bed, to read/look at/peruse at his leisure.
I'm not sure I have advice to the situation above, as it's truly beyond my
imagination (a 9 year old without the info - not a judgment, just out of my
realm of experience)...
I will ponder and chime in again to this conversation.
For anyone else who is not already having an ongoing dialogue with their
child (of ANY age) about human sexuality as a part of *Who We Are* begin
NOW!! It's never too *soon* to have a healthy view of sex -- it's where we
ALL came from :::vbg:::
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com


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Vickisue Gray

I like what you wrote:
>>Proof indeed that if *you* don't provide an atmosphere where sexuality is
treated as a holistic part of the human existence, your child will find the
folks who provide just the *sex* component of humanity......

Puberty and sexuality is occurring younger and younger. Girls are starting
their cycles as early as ten and boys are beginning to have physical reactions
to certain images early, too.

My son has always been attracted to breasts. (My spouse blames that on
breast feeding.) Once when he was around five maybe six, he saw a commercial
were the older sister switched her little brother's brain with the family dog's.
My son told me that he would love to do that with his oldest sister so he could
see what she looked like naked without her yelling at him. She was starting
to develop and he was simply curious.

I agree with the open and continuous conversations that just encompass life in
all it's aspects. My son is ten and already knows the internal working parts of
both male and female, how reproduction works, sex (we live on a breeding farm),
the changes that he will be progressing through, natural urges....and his responsibilities
towards his part in the equation. Granted, it helped that he has watched many animals
be born, grow and play, then become hormone crazed teenagers, then parents.

I don't have any book recommendations but I'm sure someone on here will be able
to steer you to some great reading.

Vicki








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Laila

Hallo stephanie,



I don't write very often here. But here I have the feeling I have to react.
Sorry for my English, I'm from Holland.

My first reaction was, why do you check his history?? In my opinion that's
an invasion of his privacy. And of course he feels bad. You have been
checking up on him and you have been asking him about it. Or did you ask him
about all the sites you saw in his history?



My son is also 9 and looking at porn for about a year now. First he didin't
wanted to talk about it but now he's more open about it. He used to be
ashamed when he saw me and my dh kissing but now he also free to see that as
normal and he can talk about intamicy and sex as normal subjects. It is more
how you react to it. When you act like sex is something to hide he will feel
he has to do the same thing. When you talk about it just like you talk about
the weather it wil be something normal to him too.



We made some changes in our house to make sex more normal. For instance we
used to dress our selves in private. Now when we want to change clothes we
just say I'm going to get undressed if you don't want to see me naked please
look away. At first they looked away, then they got curious and peeked and
now nobody is really interested anymore and the naked body is just as normal
as a dressed one.

Also we made porn just as available as cartoons. It's the same thing
:entertainment. If someone wants to watch it, it is there. Don't get me
wrong, sex is still something you enjoy privately alone or with someone who
want's to be with you too.but there is nothing to be ashamed about. It is a
way to love yourself to learn about your feelings and your body (and others
ofcourseJ). And there is no pesific(?) age for sex just as there is no age
for reading, walking,talking, etc.



You say you don't want all that stuff in his head. What stuff??? That sex
can make you feel really really good? That it is ok to be comfortable with
your body(I don't think a pornstar is ashamed of his/her body)? That lust is
ok? That having sex without a marriage is ok? That sex with more people is
ok? What is it that makes you feel that porn is bad for you/ your child.?



And why do you think he will have sex right now? Because he watches it? It
is the same with movies and videogames. Because you see something it doesn't
mean that you have to do it. Even children have a mind of their ownJ . just
like you and me they can deside wheather they want to do something or not.



Love laila



From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Stephanie Tavera
Sent: Friday, March 28, 2008 04:04
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Help 9 yo and porn!



So I found out today that my son who is 9 years old has found out
about online porn. Eeek! And apparently his friend wanted to look at
porn when he was over here. I was checking his online history and it
showed it all the way from 3 days ago. At first he lied and said it
was his friend but then when I saw it was from 3 days ago he then said
he was sorry and that his brain is making him do it. I was quiet the
whole time because I don't know what to say. He then said he was a bad
kid and started crying. I told him he was not a bad kid. I think I'm
definitely going to have to talk to him about the birds and the bees.
Or have Dh talk to him about it. He;s my oldest child and honestly i
don't know how to go about this at all. I don't want him to have that
stuff in his head or try to do this with other kids but I also know
that even if I try to take it away he could still find it somehow.
What do I do?

Stephanie T





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Stephanie

I told Dh this morning about what happened yesterday. Dh immediately says that we should
take the computer away for a month, talk to him about trust and honesty, not allow him to
look at porn, etc. It seems that all we ever do these days is argue over unschooling and
parenting peacefully. He thinks we should wait for R to come to us about the sex talk. I said
he may never want to talk with us about sex! I said that would could talk about trust and
honesty with him. I said I didn't think he should be punished. I think the only reason why he
didn't tell us was because he thought he would be punished. That if we take that away from
him he's going to find it somewhere else eventually. Its better he learns about it from us then
from someone else. Then Dh says well you go ahead and do whatever you want like always.
sigh
Dh is driving me nuts! It makes me really upset and I feel like divorcing him sometimes.

Stephanie T

Vickisue Gray

Stephanie (((((hugs))))))

Hang in there. I can relate to the 'feeling like divorcing him sometimes'
but for me it's been over his mother living with us not the kids.

I've also heard the 'do what you what, you will anyway' which from
reading on this list, I've come to associate means I'm not respecting his
opinions? I've been thinking that, maybe, along with de-schooling our kids,
and ourselves, we also need to apply the 'peaceful parenting' ideas to our
spouses, too. We've been unschooling for a few years now, and now my
spouse explains unschooling to others! It can happen.

Have you asked your spouse how he learned about sex, life, respect in
relationships? And how it effected his maturing? How did he feel about
being punished? Would a month of no Internet have stopped him from
'researching' something he was curious about even though his parents
told him not to be?

As a friend always tells me when I'm ready to scream, "This too shall pass."
Vicki

----- Original Message ----
From: Stephanie <familiatavera@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, March 28, 2008 10:49:13 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Help 9 yo and porn!

I told Dh this morning about what happened yesterday. Dh immediately says that we should
take the computer away for a month, talk to him about trust and honesty, not allow him to
look at porn, etc. It seems that all we ever do these days is argue over unschooling and
parenting peacefully. He thinks we should wait for R to come to us about the sex talk. I said
he may never want to talk with us about sex! I said that would could talk about trust and
honesty with him. I said I didn't think he should be punished. I think the only reason why he
didn't tell us was because he thought he would be punished. That if we take that away from
him he's going to find it somewhere else eventually. Its better he learns about it from us then
from someone else. Then Dh says well you go ahead and do whatever you want like always.
sigh
Dh is driving me nuts! It makes me really upset and I feel like divorcing him sometimes.

Stephanie T





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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

keetry

--- In [email protected], Vickisue Gray
<vickisue_gray@...> wrote:
>
> Would a month of no Internet have stopped him from
> 'researching' something he was curious about even though his
parents
> told him not to be?
>
> Vicki
>
>
This is a good point. I can say from experience that it probably
will not. What it probably will do is make him feel ashamed and even
less likely to come to his parents for information and advice.

I went through this with my oldest son and I totally freaked out. I
was concerned not about the "normal" sex he might see on the
internet but the violent and extremely perverted (for lack of a
better description) and about computer viruses. We put blocks on the
computer. He found ways around them. We took his computer away. He
found ways to get his computer back when we weren't home. He still
found ways to see porn. All we ended up with was a lot of fighting
and everyone being miserable. Nothing good came from us trying to
control him.

We have always had an open relationship/ongoing discussion about sex
so it wasn't like he didn't know anything. He was just a normal,
curious person. I talked to him about what he saw and he said he
wasn't interested in the "wierd" stuff. He mostly looked at anime
porn (which I found wierd but that's another subject).

I don't really have any suggestions of how to handle things. I just
know from experience that punishment and shame most likely won't
have the result your dh wants.

Alysia

[email protected]

**Dh immediately says that we should... talk to him about trust and
honesty**

That's a good place to start. Perhaps with "Son, I'm sorry. We haven't been
honest with you about this big huge part of life because we're scared to death
about how to talk about it, but we're going to try hard to do better in the
future. We hope you'll trust us again soon."

It would be a really good idea for you and your husband to think about what
you mean by trust and honesty before you talk to your kid, for sure. How
exactly did your son break a trust? What would honesty look like in this situation?

Deborah in IL


**************
Create a Home Theater Like the Pros. Watch the
video on AOL Home.

(http://home.aol.com/diy/home-improvement-eric-stromer?video=15&ncid=aolhom00030000000001)


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Julia M. A.

Hi,

I've only been lurking up to now, but this post really made me want
to comment.

Like another poster said, I'm not sure whether it's because I'm
European, but I really can't see the problem. I don't think there's
anything wrong with your DS looking at porn. It's perfectly natural
to be curious and it doesn't mean at all that he's going to go out
there and have lots of sex. I remember when I was a kid the curious
stage preceded the doing-it stage by quite a few years!

Anyway, I would take this opportunity for DH to ask DS if he wanted
to talk about anything sex/relationship related or anything else that
may be on his mind. That would open the door for him to ask questions
and also build up a relationship with his dad ready for those teenage
years. He may very well not want to talk about sex, girlfriends etc.
but just knowing that he could will make a big difference to him. I
think you should definitely take this discovery and rather than tell
him off (after all YOU're the one that invaded his privacy!), turn it
into something positive!

Good luck!

---------------
Julia
mum to Gemma (6/05) and Ben (5/07)
http://www.ourschool.eu

--- In [email protected], Stephanie Tavera
<familiatavera@...> wrote:
>
> So I found out today that my son who is 9 years old has found out
> about online porn. Eeek! And apparently his friend wanted to look
at
> porn when he was over here. I was checking his online history and
it
> showed it all the way from 3 days ago. At first he lied and said
it
> was his friend but then when I saw it was from 3 days ago he then
said
> he was sorry and that his brain is making him do it. I was quiet
the
> whole time because I don't know what to say. He then said he was a
bad
> kid and started crying. I told him he was not a bad kid. I think
I'm
> definitely going to have to talk to him about the birds and the
bees.
> Or have Dh talk to him about it. He;s my oldest child and honestly
i
> don't know how to go about this at all. I don't want him to have
that
> stuff in his head or try to do this with other kids but I also
know
> that even if I try to take it away he could still find it somehow.
> What do I do?
>
> Stephanie T
>

guideforthree

> So I found out today that my son who is 9 years old has found out
> about online porn.

When my oldest son was 8, I found him googling images of "boobies"
and "buts". We've always been pretty open about sex and bodies.
Instead of jumping to "How could my boy be doing this?" I just
assumed he was experiencing natural curiosity. At the same time I
was concerned about some of the images he could accidentally stumble
upon. That is what we talked about. I told him about the fact that
there are pictures on the internet that he probably doesn't want to
see, and they could come up in his search. We talked about
pedophiles, and my boy very adamently said he did not want to see
anything like that. I told him I would be happy to buy him a book
with naked bodies that would not have anything that he didn't want to
see. This worked for us. He was never shamed or made to feel like
he was doing something dirty. He also clearly understood my concern
was not about what he was doing, but rather about what other people
were posting on the internet. I wasn't forbidding anything - I was
merely helping him maintain the level of childhood inocence that he
wanted to have.

Your son is expressing an interest in sex. What would you do if he
suddenly expressed an interest in jet airplanes? Would you shame him
for this? Both are equally appropriate interests for pre-adolescent
boys. In both cases, you determine the degree of interest and help
procure appropriate resources.

tina (whose boy now prefers the portait of Henry VIII over the nudes)

Britt Pastor

Tina,
Just a quick note to say how much I loved your response. To point out that
eeven though there's nothing wrong with his interest, but there are other
issues lurking on the internet, regarding pornography, but that you could
help him with his healthy interest by giving him access to images of nude
bodies that were not likely to be overly explicit or open him to the
possibility of pedophiles was a great response.

Thanks so much...
Britt, mama to bella Nysa, 2.5, who still loves breasts! :-)


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Maisha Khalfani

The ideas about sexuality don't bother me when it comes to porn. Sex is
great and natural. We talk about it all the time in our home.



What is an issue is the exaggerated way in which sex is portrayed in
pornography. Many young men (and women) think that that's how sex is
"done". It puts in their minds the expectations of what sex should be
like/look like. And visual images last much longer in the mind.



There is also the body image piece to contend with. Human beings have so
much to deal with when it comes to how we "should" look. Porn is
artificial. The men and women are all a certain way of being. I'd like my
children to not feel the added pressure of what "beauty standards" are being
imposed in our society as it is. Porn would just add to that struggle:
large boobs, small waists, large penises (maybe), and buffed bodies. I'd
like my children to formulate their own thoughts on sex and beauty as much
as possible without the aid of pornography.



Now if they are interested in the human body and sex there are so many ways
to explore that without resorting to porn. And, at the very least, I would
rather have them watching the adult films that are made by couples as an
aide to help other couples to have better sex. Far better in my opinion
than random porn.

www.bettersex.com



A great website with lots of good information about sex and sexuality



be at peace,

Maisha

<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures

<http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/> EarthSpirit Journeys

"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."

~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire





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