Lisa

Kendrah,
I so understand what you are saying! My parents aren't that old
either ... 65 and 61 but I am seeing them begin to decline... my
father has heart issues and just newly diagnosed with diabetes (try to
explain to someone this age and set in his ways why he MUST change his
diet!UGH!) my mother has fibromyalgia and is in fairly good health
but I do see her stamina and pain levels becoming more of an issue for
her in the past year.

A few suggestions for you to help this stressful period feel a
little less stressful... while I know little children prefer mommy
perhaps while you are doing chores for grandmother have her read to
them or play simple games, even sitting and coloring or talking about
when she was a little girl could be a really great time of bonding for
them. You could also enlist their help and involve them somehow in
the house chores for grandmother... that often gives the little ones
such a boost of feeling big! My 6 yr old loves nothing better than
to help grandpa with a chore or even just to carry something or
retrieve something for a grandparent that they can't do for
themselves. My mother had foot surgery last summer and Jack was
thrilled to be the one in charge of putting her pillow under her foot
each time she moved from place to place. While I was taking care of
my mother I also tried to remember how boring it could be for him to
be stuck inside for more of the day than he was used to and made sure
to stock grandmother with supplies so we could go outside for 30
minutes here and there. I also tried to anticipate the types of
things that might need to be done there so I didn't find myself
running back and forth unnecessarily(my parents are 1 1/2 hrs away but
my brother lives next door and is helpful but does have to work all
day). Anyway I think that this is one of those issues that may be a
little unique to our generation... our parents waited longer to have
children than our grandparents so we now have "elderly" parents in our
30-40's!

Anyway please don't miss an opportunity to give your kids some really
great memories of their grandparents and find ways to help your
parents feel useful by helping with the kids while you do things for
them.

Hope this helps!
Lisa B



--- In [email protected], Kendrah Nilsestuen
<carebear-79@...> wrote:
>
> This past year my parents health has really went on a downhill slide,
> currently they are 62&58 years old. It seems that they are needing me
> now more than ever. They are really trying not to be a "burden" on
> me, but since I don't have any siblings (I have a 38 year old brother
> that can't seem to take care of himself) that can help, the care is
> falling on me.
>
> I have two kiddos (4 & 21 months), and my own house to keep up with
> taking care of. It seems most days I have just enough (if even)
> energy to keep up with my kiddos. Today my mom is at her house (a 40
> minute drive away, and my son isn't fond of longer car trips right
> now) waiting for me and the kids to come by. She'll have a list of
> things she'll need done (and bless her heart she really does try to
> keep the list to a minimum). While my own home needs tending to. Dh
> didn't have dd go pee before bed last night and she went in her
> sleep. The mattress pad was bunched where she was lying so it totally
> missed the pad and stained the mattress. I have that to clean. I have
> at least 2 loads of cloth diapers that need watched, kids who will
> need fed soon, trash and recycling that needs to be gathered and
> taken out because pick up is tomorrow, (among other things that
> probably should be done today). As well as two kids that
> (understandably) want to play with mommy most the day.
> Yet, my mom who is sitting at home, confined to her bed, or chair,
> has chores for me to do. She has no other choice, she recently broke
> her ankle so bad she's needed three surgeries in one month. She is in
> pain. She can't walk at all. She probably won't be able to for at
> least 4 months according to her ortho. On top of that when she was
> being pre-oped for surgery they find some heart abnormality. My dad
> has his own share of heart & lung problems and is on oxygen full
> time. He also is working full time (though he shouldn't be) because
> they have very little retirement saved.
> Last week after a particularly challenging day with kids. They were
> finally winding down and I was able to grab a couple minutes to
> myself for a cup of tea. The phone rings, I don't answer. The machine
> picks up. It is my mom is tears, saying how overwhelmed she is with
> everything and that she needs to talk. I don't pick up. I try to just
> take the time to have my tea, but its too late. Hard to enjoy my tea
> when I'm concerned about her. And I call her right back. And for an
> hour try to offer reassurance. She is, as always, *extremely*
> grateful to me (that is what makes me want to help her, because I
> know how much she truly appreciates me).
>
> Okay, Phew so that is the story currently. I think the reality of
> what is happening doesn't match what I *thought* would happen. My
> parents are still fairly young. I didn't expect to have to play such
> an active role in taking care of them...yet. I knew it would happen
> but it caught me off guard, as life always does. If my kids were
> older it probably wouldn't be such a big deal, but they are still so
> young, and need me so much right now. I also know that their are
> people who have much more demanding situations. I know I should be
> thankful that at least my parents are around to take care of. And
> don't get me wrong, I love them very much and am so grateful to have
> them. Which makes me feel guilty for being a whiner, lol!
>
> I've complained enough.:) Off to get started on getting a little play
> time in with the kids before breakfast, and all the rest.
>
> Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. Being a
> parent of young children, while also having to take care of your own
> parents? Any experiences to share? Any suggestions?
>
> I'm really trying to think in abundance here. I keep telling myself I
> have enough (energy, love, etc) to go around, I have enough to go
> around...
>
> Kendrah
> Mama to Payge 4.5 & Damien 21 months
>

trektheory

Some thoughts that come to mind:

First, is there anything you are able to do to reduce your own work
load? You mention washing cloth diapers -- can you, for the time
being, use a diaper service? How about some prepared foods for those
crazy mealtimes? Pre-chopped veggies are healthful and easy. There
are other ways to streamline food prep to make that a bit less time
(and energy!) consuming.

Do your parents have neighbors you could ask for light help from?
Friends in the area, that sort of thing. Sometimes people want to
help, but don't know what they can do.

If your 38 yr old brother is local, he CAN help -- but he may need
very specific direction. Can you give him specific tasks, whether
grocery shopping or some other task, to lighten your load?

Another wild option that just occurred to me, is for a day or two,
perhaps you could spend the night there, so you don't have to spend 80
minutes driving each day... Don't know the situation, so it may or
may not work, but if so, might be a bit less hectic.

Best of luck dealing with this right now. As your mom heals, she will
be able to handle a bit more, so look for that light at the end of the
(very long) tunnel!

Linda

--- In [email protected], Kendrah Nilsestuen
<carebear-79@...> wrote:
>
> This past year my parents health has really went on a downhill slide,
> currently they are 62&58 years old. It seems that they are needing me
> now more than ever. They are really trying not to be a "burden" on
> me, but since I don't have any siblings (I have a 38 year old brother
> that can't seem to take care of himself) that can help, the care is
> falling on me.
>
> I have two kiddos (4 & 21 months), and my own house to keep up with
> taking care of. It seems most days I have just enough (if even)
> energy to keep up with my kiddos. Today my mom is at her house (a 40
> minute drive away, and my son isn't fond of longer car trips right
> now) waiting for me and the kids to come by. She'll have a list of
> things she'll need done (and bless her heart she really does try to
> keep the list to a minimum). While my own home needs tending to. Dh
> didn't have dd go pee before bed last night and she went in her
> sleep. The mattress pad was bunched where she was lying so it totally
> missed the pad and stained the mattress. I have that to clean. I have
> at least 2 loads of cloth diapers that need watched, kids who will
> need fed soon, trash and recycling that needs to be gathered and
> taken out because pick up is tomorrow, (among other things that
> probably should be done today). As well as two kids that
> (understandably) want to play with mommy most the day.
> Yet, my mom who is sitting at home, confined to her bed, or chair,
> has chores for me to do. She has no other choice, she recently broke
> her ankle so bad she's needed three surgeries in one month. She is in
> pain. She can't walk at all. She probably won't be able to for at
> least 4 months according to her ortho. On top of that when she was
> being pre-oped for surgery they find some heart abnormality. My dad
> has his own share of heart & lung problems and is on oxygen full
> time. He also is working full time (though he shouldn't be) because
> they have very little retirement saved.
> Last week after a particularly challenging day with kids. They were
> finally winding down and I was able to grab a couple minutes to
> myself for a cup of tea. The phone rings, I don't answer. The machine
> picks up. It is my mom is tears, saying how overwhelmed she is with
> everything and that she needs to talk. I don't pick up. I try to just
> take the time to have my tea, but its too late. Hard to enjoy my tea
> when I'm concerned about her. And I call her right back. And for an
> hour try to offer reassurance. She is, as always, *extremely*
> grateful to me (that is what makes me want to help her, because I
> know how much she truly appreciates me).
>
> Okay, Phew so that is the story currently. I think the reality of
> what is happening doesn't match what I *thought* would happen. My
> parents are still fairly young. I didn't expect to have to play such
> an active role in taking care of them...yet. I knew it would happen
> but it caught me off guard, as life always does. If my kids were
> older it probably wouldn't be such a big deal, but they are still so
> young, and need me so much right now. I also know that their are
> people who have much more demanding situations. I know I should be
> thankful that at least my parents are around to take care of. And
> don't get me wrong, I love them very much and am so grateful to have
> them. Which makes me feel guilty for being a whiner, lol!
>
> I've complained enough.:) Off to get started on getting a little play
> time in with the kids before breakfast, and all the rest.
>
> Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. Being a
> parent of young children, while also having to take care of your own
> parents? Any experiences to share? Any suggestions?
>
> I'm really trying to think in abundance here. I keep telling myself I
> have enough (energy, love, etc) to go around, I have enough to go
> around...
>
> Kendrah
> Mama to Payge 4.5 & Damien 21 months
>

Debra Rossing

Call for help! They both need at least part time home health aides,
which should be covered by insurance (if they've got insurance) or by
disability or other government programs (not that I'm a big fan of
government programs but here's a case where they can be useful).

FIL has been in the hospital, from a critical care unit to ICU to his
current stay in a minimal care area, since just after Thanksgiving.
Prior to that, he was home but needed pretty much full time care. MIL
works fulltime (BTW they're similar in age to your folks - FIL is about
to turn 63 and MIL is in her mid/late 50s) to keep the insurance
coverage and income - FIL had to retire early on disability late in 2006
because he couldn't stand or drive (he stood up at work and fell down
because he was dizzy). So, family were trying to care for him, taking
turns. But DH is the only one of the siblings (he has 3 sisters) who
isn't working fulltime. It was hard to get them to understand that just
because he didn't go out to a paying job all day, that he wasn't "free"
to spend all day in the IL's small senior housing apartment with DS (who
is 9 1/2 and really needs a lot of space to move and make noise and play
freely). It finally got so bad that a visiting nurse (who they FINALLY
got to come in, after DH and I were on them about it for several months)
who came in to check the dressings on FIL's sores (from sitting all the
time and having legs so swollen with fluid that they oozed) noticed that
his blood pressure was dangerously low and his temp was bordering on
hypothermia (in a comfortably heated apartment with a blanket on) and so
on. That was an ambulance ride to ER and he's been in the hospital ever
since (and grumping that he doesn't get enough visitors!) And he'll be
going to a convalescent/rehab facility from the hospital and he may need
more care than home provides so may end up in a care facility
permanently.

The upside of all this is that the hospital has social services workers
and such who are working with the ILs to arrange post-hospital care with
them - it's not just us telling them they need to get home care and
such.

Deb


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jane doe

Kendrah! Lots of hugs!!! You can do this.. I have been
caring for my 85 yr old mother for so long I can't
even remember a time I wasn't. She isn't bedridden,
she's almost completely blind and has heart trouble
(and other ailments). She ensconced herself on the top
of a hill 20 miles from town and we (dh and I) are
responsible for everything. My most practical advice
is to find a friend. I have a friend, we've been
through everything together, and now we are dealing
with our elderly parents together. I call her, she
calls me, she understands when I am ready to rip my
hair out with frustration, I can see the humor in what
is going on with her situation although others would
be horrified if they heard us laughing. Being able to
get your frustration out and sharing with someone is
honestly the best thing you can do. You can try
enlisting your brother with very specific tasks but
don't count on him. I'm not an only child, I'm just
the only one that makes an effort. See if you can find
a rhythm to your parent's needs and try to meet them
before they ask. My mom needs to go shopping all the
time it seems, much more often than I shop for the
four of us. I head a lot of it off by buying in bulk
and bringing it unasked for. If you can get them to
eat frozen dinners buy lots of them on sale. Better
yet, Meals on Wheels!!! Mind you my mother won't do
either of these but they would make her (and my) life
so much easier. See where errands need to be run and
try to eliminate or lessen them. Buy 100 stamps, not
10. Get drugs in the mail. Make a list of things you
are doing, it will help you see what will need to be
done. Enlist friends to stop in and just visit. One of
the best things I have is a neighbor who has a
cappuccino machine. Two, three times a week she makes
one for my mother and brings it to her in the morning.
My mother thinks she is being neighborly... she
is...but she is also doing a visual check that my mom
is okay. I call her every night after dark to check
that she's okay. Call Senior Services, they may be of
help and can tell you what services are available in
their area. Commandeer a room in their house for the
kids and introduce some toys and activities that are
for there only. Going and spending the night may be
easier too. If nothing else you can get lots done
while the kids are asleep. Enlist your 4.5 yr old to
be Grandma's assistant, let her do some simple
"helping Grandma" chores, get Grandma some water, give
feel better neck rubs, empty the dryer, fold, set the
table, water plants, whatever she can do. It won't be
perfect but it will help everyone on many levels. It
is a learning process, someday you will be old hand at
this, you will still want to rip your hair out but you
will mostly feel more able. And then something new
will happen, that's life! Chin up--ELISA




We have a collective responsibility to the least of us-Phil Ramone

We can do no great things; only small things with great love- Mother Teresa


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Vickisue Gray

Elisa!

Where were you two years ago when my MIL had a stroke?
Excellent advise!

It's been two years now that my MIL has been living with us
and I can honestly say it hasn't all been pleasant. Most of
it not. Lol, it even got so bad that once or twice I threatened
my spouse it was me or her!

Thank goodness, she listened when he told her somethings
needed to change in reference to her behavior if she didn't
want to be put in a home. Since then she has been better
behaved and I can truly say after two years, there is finally
peace in our small house.

Kendrah, (((hugs))) hang in there. It truly can get better.
Finding a rhythm really helps.

Vicki


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Sharissa13

MIL suite, actually. I was helping my in laws search
for a house with such an attachment a few years back
for their situation. Good luck with your parents... I
hope to not be in your situation someday. :)


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[email protected]

One thing I didn't see mentioned yet is the necessity of asking your husband
for help *before* things get to the point you're crazed with the stress. :)
For instance, leave the diaper loads for him to run in the evenings, ask him
to do the grocery shop in the evening or on the weekend, leave some of the
regular household stuff for him that you'd usually do yourself.

There's a tendency to not ask our partners for help when it's *our* parents
causing the extra workload, to think *we* should handle it all because s/he's
already working so hard to support us all. To feel guilty because we can't do
it all. But you'll all be happier if the increased load is spread around a
little more, if he takes some of your regular stuff so you can spend that life
energy on your other obligations.

best wishes,
Deborah in IL





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Vickisue Gray

Wow! That makes me feel a little guilty, <blush> In dealing with my MIL
who has been living with us for two years now till the end of her or my life
I've left the overall handling of the situation to my spouse, her son.

It seems to work out better for him to play her care taker as he is the only
one to get through to her. That doesn't mean the kids and I don't help but things
are ever so much more peaceful with him dealing with her overall care.

I pray that all of you have a much easier MIL to deal with!
V


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