Karen Swanay

OK let me try this again...

We are adopting a toddler (she turned 3 20 Aug 07) and we will probably
travel to get her in December or January. She is possibly a child with
autism. But might just be a child raised in an institution. She has little
language. She had more a year ago but speaks rarely now. So what her
actual situation is...I don't know.

How would you deal with her? I want to foster attachment. I want to treat
her with gentleness. She does not know any English. I do not know how much
Cantonese she knows, where she's from they speak a particular dialect of
cantonese anyway so we will not be able to communicate verbally. I will
bring a book of pictures of things to help us communicate.

As much as possible I will use redirection if she's doing something she
shouldn't (ie isn't safe) and keep the "no" to a minimum. However, it would
not be outside the realm of normal for her to begin biting, kicking,
scratching and spitting.

I'd like to know what you all think is the right path...or at least the path
to begin walking.

Karen


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Kelly Weyd

Have you considered teaching her sign language. Also I would leave cereal and juice out for her at all times since she will probably not be able to communicate her need for food. I know I had to do that for my now 9 year old, because she had been neglected by her birth parents, and was not being fed very often......I could still cry thinking about those little ribs that were sticking out. I could not convince her we had enough food in our house, so I just left her out food and drink at all times. It was not that she was necessarily gonna eat the food, but for her own sense of security she needed to know it was available at all times.

Also you might want to read up on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), well and about children that have been in orphanages/instituitions. I think you will do just fine. I found that all it took with my girls was bringing them into my home. My husband and I immediately fell in love with them, and even though we did not immediately adopt them (because the foster care system is so slow), we always considered them ours from the very beginning. I think you will love her right away, and you will find a way. How many other children do you have? ages? Sometimes another child is all it takes to find a way to connect and communicate with a child like this.

Kelly

Karen Swanay <luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
OK let me try this again...

We are adopting a toddler (she turned 3 20 Aug 07) and we will probably
travel to get her in December or January. She is possibly a child with
autism. But might just be a child raised in an institution. She has little
language. She had more a year ago but speaks rarely now. So what her
actual situation is...I don't know.

How would you deal with her? I want to foster attachment. I want to treat
her with gentleness. She does not know any English. I do not know how much
Cantonese she knows, where she's from they speak a particular dialect of
cantonese anyway so we will not be able to communicate verbally. I will
bring a book of pictures of things to help us communicate.

As much as possible I will use redirection if she's doing something she
shouldn't (ie isn't safe) and keep the "no" to a minimum. However, it would
not be outside the realm of normal for her to begin biting, kicking,
scratching and spitting.

I'd like to know what you all think is the right path...or at least the path
to begin walking.

Karen

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






---------------------------------
Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join Yahoo!'s user panel and lay it on us.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Karen Swanay

On 10/14/07, Kelly Weyd <kellmar98@...> wrote:
> Have you considered teaching her sign language. Also I would leave cereal and juice out for her at all times since she will probably not be able to communicate her need for food. I know I had to do that for my now 9 year old, because she had been neglected by her birth parents, and was not being fed very often......I could still cry thinking about those little ribs that were sticking out. I could not convince her we had enough food in our house, so I just left her out food and drink at all times. It was not that she was necessarily gonna eat the food, but for her own sense of security she needed to know it was available at all times.

** Yes I have considered it. I need to find a resource for me to
learn to teach her too. As I said we do not share a common language.
I speak a little Mandarin but no Cantonese. And she did speak, but
doesn't now. Did she lose the ability? Is it because no one is
talking to her? I don't know. But yes that's the plan if it turns
out she does have autism and prefers not to speak.

Xian Yi is being fed, on a schedule but I will do that I can leave
some food out for her at all times. And I'm home all day so I'll be
at her beck and call for as long as she wants or needs that. She's
been in an orphanage since she was 4 weeks old. Being in a home will
be a big change for her.
>
> Also you might want to read up on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), well and about children that have been in orphanages/instituitions. I think you will do just fine. I found that all it took with my girls was bringing them into my home. My husband and I immediately fell in love with them, and even though we did not immediately adopt them (because the foster care system is so slow), we always considered them ours from the very beginning. I think you will love her right away, and you will find a way. How many other children do you have? ages? Sometimes another child is all it takes to find a way to connect and communicate with a child like this.

**I know about RAD and Anxious Attachment as well. I know about
holding time etc. I'm interested in how you all would suggest I deal
with the more unsavory behaviors like spitting, biting, etc should she
manifest these. Her past history suggests she will be catatonic when
we get her but as some point that will break and she will grieve. I
want to know how best to help her do that within the context of
mindful parenting.

I have two boys 11 and 9...so at least I'm not a rookie parent =)

Karen
>
> Kelly
>
>
> Karen Swanay <luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
> OK let me try this again...
>
> We are adopting a toddler (she turned 3 20 Aug 07) and we will probably
> travel to get her in December or January. She is possibly a child with
> autism. But might just be a child raised in an institution. She has little
> language. She had more a year ago but speaks rarely now. So what her
> actual situation is...I don't know.
>
> How would you deal with her? I want to foster attachment. I want to treat
> her with gentleness. She does not know any English. I do not know how much
> Cantonese she knows, where she's from they speak a particular dialect of
> cantonese anyway so we will not be able to communicate verbally. I will
> bring a book of pictures of things to help us communicate.
>
> As much as possible I will use redirection if she's doing something she
> shouldn't (ie isn't safe) and keep the "no" to a minimum. However, it would
> not be outside the realm of normal for her to begin biting, kicking,
> scratching and spitting.
>
> I'd like to know what you all think is the right path...or at least the path
> to begin walking.
>
> Karen
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> ---------------------------------
> Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join Yahoo!'s user panel and lay it on us.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>



--
"Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about."

LOI 1/26/07
PA 3/22/07
DTC 8/10/07
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Mara

My now 3 y.o. is not very verbal although that is soon
changing. Here are some things he has liked:
To start teaching sign language, the 'signing time'
videos are wonderful and I believe would still work
well if someone does not know English as it is very
visual and shows lots of different kids making the
same sign combined with pictures of the sign. It us
also quite entertaining -
There are a bunch of simple board books (Beginning
Sings?) also.
Another good idea is to take pictures of everything in
your house that could be of relevance to her (toys,
food, clothes, kitchen and bathroom accessories,
people in your family and friends etc.), laminate
them and put them in a special book for her (with
velcro attached to the back so that she could easily
rip them out and show you what she wants).
If you put the words underneath they might come in
handy again when she is interested in learning to
read.
Simple songs (like Old McDonald etc.) where she might
have fun repeating the sounds.
Games that encourage verbal play. Even if you are the
only one talking...
So much for now,
All the best,
Mara

--- Karen Swanay <luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:

> On 10/14/07, Kelly Weyd <kellmar98@...> wrote:
> > Have you considered teaching her sign language.
> Also I would leave cereal and juice out for her at
> all times since she will probably not be able to
> communicate her need for food. I know I had to do
> that for my now 9 year old, because she had been
> neglected by her birth parents, and was not being
> fed very often......I could still cry thinking about
> those little ribs that were sticking out. I could
> not convince her we had enough food in our house, so
> I just left her out food and drink at all times. It
> was not that she was necessarily gonna eat the food,
> but for her own sense of security she needed to know
> it was available at all times.
>
> ** Yes I have considered it. I need to find a
> resource for me to
> learn to teach her too. As I said we do not share a
> common language.
> I speak a little Mandarin but no Cantonese. And she
> did speak, but
> doesn't now. Did she lose the ability? Is it
> because no one is
> talking to her? I don't know. But yes that's the
> plan if it turns
> out she does have autism and prefers not to speak.
>
> Xian Yi is being fed, on a schedule but I will do
> that I can leave
> some food out for her at all times. And I'm home
> all day so I'll be
> at her beck and call for as long as she wants or
> needs that. She's
> been in an orphanage since she was 4 weeks old.
> Being in a home will
> be a big change for her.
> >
> > Also you might want to read up on Reactive
> Attachment Disorder (RAD), well and about children
> that have been in orphanages/instituitions. I think
> you will do just fine. I found that all it took with
> my girls was bringing them into my home. My husband
> and I immediately fell in love with them, and even
> though we did not immediately adopt them (because
> the foster care system is so slow), we always
> considered them ours from the very beginning. I
> think you will love her right away, and you will
> find a way. How many other children do you have?
> ages? Sometimes another child is all it takes to
> find a way to connect and communicate with a child
> like this.
>
> **I know about RAD and Anxious Attachment as well.
> I know about
> holding time etc. I'm interested in how you all
> would suggest I deal
> with the more unsavory behaviors like spitting,
> biting, etc should she
> manifest these. Her past history suggests she will
> be catatonic when
> we get her but as some point that will break and she
> will grieve. I
> want to know how best to help her do that within the
> context of
> mindful parenting.
>
> I have two boys 11 and 9...so at least I'm not a
> rookie parent =)
>
> Karen
> >
> > Kelly
> >
> >
> > Karen Swanay <luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
> > OK let me try this again...
> >
> > We are adopting a toddler (she turned 3 20 Aug 07)
> and we will probably
> > travel to get her in December or January. She is
> possibly a child with
> > autism. But might just be a child raised in an
> institution. She has little
> > language. She had more a year ago but speaks
> rarely now. So what her
> > actual situation is...I don't know.
> >
> > How would you deal with her? I want to foster
> attachment. I want to treat
> > her with gentleness. She does not know any
> English. I do not know how much
> > Cantonese she knows, where she's from they speak a
> particular dialect of
> > cantonese anyway so we will not be able to
> communicate verbally. I will
> > bring a book of pictures of things to help us
> communicate.
> >
> > As much as possible I will use redirection if
> she's doing something she
> > shouldn't (ie isn't safe) and keep the "no" to a
> minimum. However, it would
> > not be outside the realm of normal for her to
> begin biting, kicking,
> > scratching and spitting.
> >
> > I'd like to know what you all think is the right
> path...or at least the path
> > to begin walking.
> >
> > Karen
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
> >
> > ---------------------------------
> > Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect.
> Join Yahoo!'s user panel and lay it on us.
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
> --
> "Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's
> about who you care about."
>
> LOI 1/26/07
> PA 3/22/07
> DTC 8/10/07
> Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact
> are transmission errors.
>
> ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
>




____________________________________________________________________________________
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Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Karen Swanay"
<luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
>> I'm interested in how you all would suggest I deal
> with the more unsavory behaviors like spitting, biting, etc should
she
> manifest these.

It depends to some extent if she's biting (for example) you or
someone else. If its someone else I'd be sure to show some clear
empathy and compassion toward the person who had been bitten. If she
were to bite *me* I'd work on communicating that I wasn't happy
about being bit. The tricky bit is how to communicate that non-
verbally w/o making it an act of love-withdrawal.

In and around all of this I'd be looking for ways to prevent
*people* from being hurt (or spit on, eeeeeewwwww!). So I'd look for
what needs she was trying to communicate and look for ways to meet
those. Maybe she would be needing to express some very intense
feelings! In which case I'd look for other ways for her to do that -
other things to bite or hit, maybe. Ways or places for her to
meltdown safely with the knowledge that she's being supported - that
*you* accept her even when she's totally freaking out.

Oh, back to spitting for a moment - I'm totally grossed out by mouth
stuff, but I have found ways for my kids to play with spit. Sinks
and bathtubs and outside are all fine for spit-play, but not the
living room or bedroom (eeeeewwwww!) for example. You have two boys,
so if your new family member wants to play with spitting (as opposed
to it being a way of expressing something else) maybe they can show
her how to spit seeds or even hawk some really good lugies -
outside, of course.

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)