scheduling/kids home alone
hbmccarty
We are having a little bit of conflict in relation to my 14 yr old son's
busy schedule.
The first thing is: He wants to be up during the day to do things that
he has planned- and also have time to do things that aren't quiet in
the house before we all go to sleep- early, my husband is a carpenter
and gets out by 7:30, and I like to get up early too, to work (I work at
home part time) before the kids are up and we get out of the house.
Anyway, he agrees that playing his bass and stacking firewood (outside
our bedroom, near the back door where the stove is) are best done before
9-10 pm, and is very respectful of our needing sleep. The issue is that
he has difficulty getting to sleep early enough so that he can get up to
do all the things he wants to do during the day and feel well rested. In
addition he really seems to need a lot of sleep.
Our house is pretty small- I thought that he could play bass in the
garage- he didn't really like that idea. I would love for him to have
his own little house next to ours he could have more freedom- but that
would be a longer term solution, due to finances and time constraints.
Anyone have anything to suggest that they have done to help a night owl
at least somewhat adjust to a little bit of a daytime schedule, or to
accommodate different sleeping schedules in a small house?
In general also he really takes on a lot and has a bit of a time crunch
with preparing for lessons and performances, working for money, soccer,
and all the other things he really wants to do. I talk about the
possibility of cutting back on some things as it is a bit much for me
and his sister to drive him to as well as a lot for him to handle, but
he usually doesn't want to cut back, or not really enough to make a
difference. I have asked him what I can do to help him, the last two
days we have together made up a schedule so that he can fit everything
in and not get to the end of the day and feel like he has not
accomplished what he set up to accomplish. He is like me, pretty goal
oriented. I am totally okay with him not getting these things "done" by
the way, but he has commitments, especially with music, to groups and to
himself, which he takes pretty seriously and feels very frustrated when
he doesn't feel prepared. He does go through periods where he will do
much less. Part of this is that many things are on a school like
schedule so they are all clustered together for a few months and then
are over. He does somethings at the high school and at the college, or
with people who are on those schedules. I know many families make rules
about how many activities each child can sign up for, but I am not
thinking this will work- the kids needs are so different in this respect.
My daughter is much less interested in doing things out of the home, and
feels very angry sometimes that she is asked to come along when all the
stops are about her brother. We usually stop for extra treats or to pick
up some new beads so that my daughter has something to look forward to
on our trips out. I have started to leave her home for a little while
though she is only 10 and I am not super comfortable with this- I think
she would be fine in most all situations- she feels comfortable- but I
worry about the extreme situation and legal implications. The way the
law works here, as I understand it from discussions from friends in
social services, is that there is no absolute age where a child can be
left alone, and that determinations of parental wrong doing are
determined after the fact by the case workers and courts if a situation
arises. When I am faced at one moment with one child who wants a ride
somewhere they really really want to go, and one who really really
doesn't want to leave the house, I will leave her home. Mostly I will be
able to work out another stop for her, but this doesn't work every
single time.
I realize that solutions will arise from discussions with my family, but
thought it would be interesting to see what other people do. We do
arrange rides with other families, have looked into the bus (not many
running at the right times of day, usually, though I keep checking in
each new situation.)
thanks-
Heather
busy schedule.
The first thing is: He wants to be up during the day to do things that
he has planned- and also have time to do things that aren't quiet in
the house before we all go to sleep- early, my husband is a carpenter
and gets out by 7:30, and I like to get up early too, to work (I work at
home part time) before the kids are up and we get out of the house.
Anyway, he agrees that playing his bass and stacking firewood (outside
our bedroom, near the back door where the stove is) are best done before
9-10 pm, and is very respectful of our needing sleep. The issue is that
he has difficulty getting to sleep early enough so that he can get up to
do all the things he wants to do during the day and feel well rested. In
addition he really seems to need a lot of sleep.
Our house is pretty small- I thought that he could play bass in the
garage- he didn't really like that idea. I would love for him to have
his own little house next to ours he could have more freedom- but that
would be a longer term solution, due to finances and time constraints.
Anyone have anything to suggest that they have done to help a night owl
at least somewhat adjust to a little bit of a daytime schedule, or to
accommodate different sleeping schedules in a small house?
In general also he really takes on a lot and has a bit of a time crunch
with preparing for lessons and performances, working for money, soccer,
and all the other things he really wants to do. I talk about the
possibility of cutting back on some things as it is a bit much for me
and his sister to drive him to as well as a lot for him to handle, but
he usually doesn't want to cut back, or not really enough to make a
difference. I have asked him what I can do to help him, the last two
days we have together made up a schedule so that he can fit everything
in and not get to the end of the day and feel like he has not
accomplished what he set up to accomplish. He is like me, pretty goal
oriented. I am totally okay with him not getting these things "done" by
the way, but he has commitments, especially with music, to groups and to
himself, which he takes pretty seriously and feels very frustrated when
he doesn't feel prepared. He does go through periods where he will do
much less. Part of this is that many things are on a school like
schedule so they are all clustered together for a few months and then
are over. He does somethings at the high school and at the college, or
with people who are on those schedules. I know many families make rules
about how many activities each child can sign up for, but I am not
thinking this will work- the kids needs are so different in this respect.
My daughter is much less interested in doing things out of the home, and
feels very angry sometimes that she is asked to come along when all the
stops are about her brother. We usually stop for extra treats or to pick
up some new beads so that my daughter has something to look forward to
on our trips out. I have started to leave her home for a little while
though she is only 10 and I am not super comfortable with this- I think
she would be fine in most all situations- she feels comfortable- but I
worry about the extreme situation and legal implications. The way the
law works here, as I understand it from discussions from friends in
social services, is that there is no absolute age where a child can be
left alone, and that determinations of parental wrong doing are
determined after the fact by the case workers and courts if a situation
arises. When I am faced at one moment with one child who wants a ride
somewhere they really really want to go, and one who really really
doesn't want to leave the house, I will leave her home. Mostly I will be
able to work out another stop for her, but this doesn't work every
single time.
I realize that solutions will arise from discussions with my family, but
thought it would be interesting to see what other people do. We do
arrange rides with other families, have looked into the bus (not many
running at the right times of day, usually, though I keep checking in
each new situation.)
thanks-
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian
Find ways to enjoy the car time! There is no magic solution, this is
the way your kids are and, with one kid who wants to be on the go and
the other who doesn't, you have to do what you are doing - find a
balance and adjust it constantly. But, really, I had this for years -
and now my youngest is 16 and of course no longer needs to come
along, but very very often chooses just to ride along. I guess that
means I did a good job of making the car time pretty fun! <G>
There are two challenges - maybe thinking of them separately will help:
1. interrupting your daughter to go take your son somewhere. You know
how to handle this - plenty of warning, reminders, and promise of
protected uninterrupted time later.
2. the actual boredom of car time (or waiting time while your son is
at his activity). THIS is much easier - you can listen to Boomerang!
or Jim Weiss cd's in the car - or other really special wonderful
books. Harry Potter, maybe? Make an investment in some really super
enticing books on cd and then only listen in the car. Have a box of
car stuff for her to play with - special cool stuff.
(By the way, if you're listening to books on cd, it can be annoying
to try to keep finding your place - you lose it if someone takes the
cd out of the cd player. But if you put the book on an mp3 player,
those will usually keep your place in a book even if you listen to
music in between. There are some mp3 players - my motorola is one -
that keeps a lot of bookmarks, so you can have different places
marked for different people or for different books. You don't need an
expensive mp3 player for this.)
So - you do your best to find a way to satisfy them both (don't
forget to ask them to come up with their own ideas), and the reality
is that there will be times when your daughter begrudges the need to
go and times when your son won't get to go. As they watch and help
you try to work it all out, they'll be learning how to find mutually
agreeable solutions and learning to cope when the people around them
aren't able to do so. Both are very important things to learn!
Also, in these days of cell phones, leaving kids alone for a short
time isn't as risky as it once was. Just make sure you have your
phone on, the ringer on, the phone isn't buried in your purse or left
in the car for a few minutes, etc. It can be scary for a kid to
decide to call and not get an answer.
-pam
the way your kids are and, with one kid who wants to be on the go and
the other who doesn't, you have to do what you are doing - find a
balance and adjust it constantly. But, really, I had this for years -
and now my youngest is 16 and of course no longer needs to come
along, but very very often chooses just to ride along. I guess that
means I did a good job of making the car time pretty fun! <G>
There are two challenges - maybe thinking of them separately will help:
1. interrupting your daughter to go take your son somewhere. You know
how to handle this - plenty of warning, reminders, and promise of
protected uninterrupted time later.
2. the actual boredom of car time (or waiting time while your son is
at his activity). THIS is much easier - you can listen to Boomerang!
or Jim Weiss cd's in the car - or other really special wonderful
books. Harry Potter, maybe? Make an investment in some really super
enticing books on cd and then only listen in the car. Have a box of
car stuff for her to play with - special cool stuff.
(By the way, if you're listening to books on cd, it can be annoying
to try to keep finding your place - you lose it if someone takes the
cd out of the cd player. But if you put the book on an mp3 player,
those will usually keep your place in a book even if you listen to
music in between. There are some mp3 players - my motorola is one -
that keeps a lot of bookmarks, so you can have different places
marked for different people or for different books. You don't need an
expensive mp3 player for this.)
So - you do your best to find a way to satisfy them both (don't
forget to ask them to come up with their own ideas), and the reality
is that there will be times when your daughter begrudges the need to
go and times when your son won't get to go. As they watch and help
you try to work it all out, they'll be learning how to find mutually
agreeable solutions and learning to cope when the people around them
aren't able to do so. Both are very important things to learn!
Also, in these days of cell phones, leaving kids alone for a short
time isn't as risky as it once was. Just make sure you have your
phone on, the ringer on, the phone isn't buried in your purse or left
in the car for a few minutes, etc. It can be scary for a kid to
decide to call and not get an answer.
-pam
On Sep 14, 2007, at 5:48 AM, hbmccarty wrote:
> When I am faced at one moment with one child who wants a ride
> somewhere they really really want to go, and one who really really
> doesn't want to leave the house, I will leave her home. Mostly I
> will be
> able to work out another stop for her, but this doesn't work every
> single time.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hbmccarty
Thanks, Pamela-
We have done these things in the past, and now even have a small
portable DVD player which has been great for car rides and helping
making places the kids don't prefer to be more interesting. Also super
for snuggling in bed and watching a movie. My daughter uses this for
private DVD viewing in her own room as well- less expensive and more
versatile than a whole separate TV and DVD player.
I think that this is a new phase of especially not wanting to
accommodate her brother - feeling a lack in her own life of fun options
- and goes beyond being bored in the car (the car rides are usually
short). She is going through a lack of playmates- one fun friend has
been away most of the summer and is now is in school- Her
cousins(absolute first choice always of playmates) are now busier as the
are going back to school and go in and out of being not so kind to her.
We do make a lot of offers for her to try things to meet people-
homeschooled and schooled. Her interests are very specific and she is
starting to be choosier about who she spends time with- so out of kids
who are available she only feels comfortable with a few, and then those
few aren't always available when she would like them to be. The school
at home families put much less of a priority on play time. This was an
ongoing thing for my son in the past but now he seems to have formed
enough relationships that he has enough fun things to do- the teenagers
have also become more independent of their parents in making plans,
which works out better. I have been very frustrated in the past in
communicating with other parents- as their goals are very different than
mine. (mine being to facilitate what my kids want to do- their's being
to prevent their kids from doing what they see as a waste of time.) He
is much more likely to find things in common with other kids his age.
Anyway- she feels very jealous of his busy social life. She is such a
different person and going through a transition. She seems to keep a
tally in her mind of who is "getting" more and often the situation seems
unfair to her and she feels very angry about it. I do try to make sure
she gets to do what she does want to do as much as possible, but it
seems deeper than that and that the actual things don't really make the
feelings go away. I am finding a balance between providing what things
and experiences are needed and allowing her feelings to emerge and be
validated. It is tricky. Often the anger is directed at me for not doing
enough, and doesn't always seem to be related to how much attention I
have been able to give her. I work at home and she most often prefers to
be doing things on her own but I need to be sensitive to the times when
she does need more of my attention and ideas. Other times offering ideas
and wanting to be with her is absolutely not wanted. Finding ways to
connect when she is upset is important- as she usually is angry doesn't
want comfort initially.
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
We have done these things in the past, and now even have a small
portable DVD player which has been great for car rides and helping
making places the kids don't prefer to be more interesting. Also super
for snuggling in bed and watching a movie. My daughter uses this for
private DVD viewing in her own room as well- less expensive and more
versatile than a whole separate TV and DVD player.
I think that this is a new phase of especially not wanting to
accommodate her brother - feeling a lack in her own life of fun options
- and goes beyond being bored in the car (the car rides are usually
short). She is going through a lack of playmates- one fun friend has
been away most of the summer and is now is in school- Her
cousins(absolute first choice always of playmates) are now busier as the
are going back to school and go in and out of being not so kind to her.
We do make a lot of offers for her to try things to meet people-
homeschooled and schooled. Her interests are very specific and she is
starting to be choosier about who she spends time with- so out of kids
who are available she only feels comfortable with a few, and then those
few aren't always available when she would like them to be. The school
at home families put much less of a priority on play time. This was an
ongoing thing for my son in the past but now he seems to have formed
enough relationships that he has enough fun things to do- the teenagers
have also become more independent of their parents in making plans,
which works out better. I have been very frustrated in the past in
communicating with other parents- as their goals are very different than
mine. (mine being to facilitate what my kids want to do- their's being
to prevent their kids from doing what they see as a waste of time.) He
is much more likely to find things in common with other kids his age.
Anyway- she feels very jealous of his busy social life. She is such a
different person and going through a transition. She seems to keep a
tally in her mind of who is "getting" more and often the situation seems
unfair to her and she feels very angry about it. I do try to make sure
she gets to do what she does want to do as much as possible, but it
seems deeper than that and that the actual things don't really make the
feelings go away. I am finding a balance between providing what things
and experiences are needed and allowing her feelings to emerge and be
validated. It is tricky. Often the anger is directed at me for not doing
enough, and doesn't always seem to be related to how much attention I
have been able to give her. I work at home and she most often prefers to
be doing things on her own but I need to be sensitive to the times when
she does need more of my attention and ideas. Other times offering ideas
and wanting to be with her is absolutely not wanted. Finding ways to
connect when she is upset is important- as she usually is angry doesn't
want comfort initially.
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
>
> Find ways to enjoy the car time! There is no magic solution, this is
> the way your kids are and, with one kid who wants to be on the go and
> the other who doesn't, you have to do what you are doing - find a
> balance and adjust it constantly. But, really, I had this for years -
> and now my youngest is 16 and of course no longer needs to come
> along, but very very often chooses just to ride along. I guess that
> means I did a good job of making the car time pretty fun! <G>
>
Pamela Sorooshian
One little tidbit of advice I can give you is to separate the
different issues in your own mind - that way you can focus in on
solutions much more easily. You're kind of smushing a bunch of things
together. I focused on the car ride part just because I had some very
simple and concrete suggestions for that, but it sounds like now
you're saying that the car ride isn't an issue for her. If it is a
little bit of an issue, now you have some more ideas, anyway.
Another little issue might be resentment that she's being
interrupted. So - just saying - worth considering how to interrupt
her in what she is doing, to take her sibling to his stuff, as little
as possible.
And, in your last email you really listed a number of other issues -
I'm suggesting separating them, in your own mind, and coming up with
specific solutions to each. It is much harder to see a solution when
you're looking at an array of different concerns, all at once.
So - just to show you what I mean, I'll list the issues/concerns/
problems that I get out of what you wrote (don't feel bad, it isn't
that I'm trying to beat you over the head with showing you how many
problems you have <G>, but just saying that it is my experience that
we can't find good solutions when we've mushed this much stuff all
together in our heads. It REALLY helps to just pick out a few of
these - choose something you can do something about. Otherwise, every
offered idea will be met (even just inside your own head) with a
"Yeah, but that doesn't solve the problem because it isn't just that,
it is also .....".
Your daughter sounds a bit like my middle daughter (now 20) -
especially that very strong sense of fairness.
So - here is the list:
Not wanting to accommodate her brother. (You wish she'd care enough
about her brother to WANT him to be happy, get what he wants, right?)
Lack of fun options for activities in her own life.
Lack of playmates because they are busy with school.
Her cousins, whom she likes to play with, going through phases of not
being so kind to her.
She has very specific interests, not open to getting involved in just
any old thing.
She is choosy about who she spends time with.
Only comfortable with a few other kids.
School at home families put too low a priority on play time, so not
available enough.
School-at-home parents attitude frustrating to you because they don't
want to help kids do what they want to do, and they don't want their
kids to "waste time."
Your daughter has a hard time finding what she has in common with
other kids.
She is jealous of her brother's active social life.
She keeps track of who is getting "more" and has a strong sense of
when things seem unfair to her. She gets angry at the perceived
unfairness. (Strong sense of justice.)
She gets angry at you for not doing enough even when you feel you've
been giving her a lot of attention.
She seems to most often like to do things on her own and often
doesn't seem to want you to offer ideas or want you to be with her.
You work at home and may sometimes not be aware of when she needs
more of you.
She is difficult to comfort when she's upset and you don't really
know how to connect with her when she's upset.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
different issues in your own mind - that way you can focus in on
solutions much more easily. You're kind of smushing a bunch of things
together. I focused on the car ride part just because I had some very
simple and concrete suggestions for that, but it sounds like now
you're saying that the car ride isn't an issue for her. If it is a
little bit of an issue, now you have some more ideas, anyway.
Another little issue might be resentment that she's being
interrupted. So - just saying - worth considering how to interrupt
her in what she is doing, to take her sibling to his stuff, as little
as possible.
And, in your last email you really listed a number of other issues -
I'm suggesting separating them, in your own mind, and coming up with
specific solutions to each. It is much harder to see a solution when
you're looking at an array of different concerns, all at once.
So - just to show you what I mean, I'll list the issues/concerns/
problems that I get out of what you wrote (don't feel bad, it isn't
that I'm trying to beat you over the head with showing you how many
problems you have <G>, but just saying that it is my experience that
we can't find good solutions when we've mushed this much stuff all
together in our heads. It REALLY helps to just pick out a few of
these - choose something you can do something about. Otherwise, every
offered idea will be met (even just inside your own head) with a
"Yeah, but that doesn't solve the problem because it isn't just that,
it is also .....".
Your daughter sounds a bit like my middle daughter (now 20) -
especially that very strong sense of fairness.
So - here is the list:
Not wanting to accommodate her brother. (You wish she'd care enough
about her brother to WANT him to be happy, get what he wants, right?)
Lack of fun options for activities in her own life.
Lack of playmates because they are busy with school.
Her cousins, whom she likes to play with, going through phases of not
being so kind to her.
She has very specific interests, not open to getting involved in just
any old thing.
She is choosy about who she spends time with.
Only comfortable with a few other kids.
School at home families put too low a priority on play time, so not
available enough.
School-at-home parents attitude frustrating to you because they don't
want to help kids do what they want to do, and they don't want their
kids to "waste time."
Your daughter has a hard time finding what she has in common with
other kids.
She is jealous of her brother's active social life.
She keeps track of who is getting "more" and has a strong sense of
when things seem unfair to her. She gets angry at the perceived
unfairness. (Strong sense of justice.)
She gets angry at you for not doing enough even when you feel you've
been giving her a lot of attention.
She seems to most often like to do things on her own and often
doesn't seem to want you to offer ideas or want you to be with her.
You work at home and may sometimes not be aware of when she needs
more of you.
She is difficult to comfort when she's upset and you don't really
know how to connect with her when she's upset.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hbmccarty
Yes, and thank you! I wasn't meaning to imply that your advice was
useless- I guess seeing what the issue wasn't started my mind rolling on
all the things that are wrapped up in our daily negotiations. It
certainly isn't simple! Thanks for your list, too. I am impressed and
grateful that you took the time to think about my situation!
I tend to think that all my kids anger and unhappiness is due to me not
always having been a radical unschooling mom, and the fact that my
husband is just beginning to understand the concepts and still reverts
to strange ineffective and unnecessary parent behavior (it seems to me).
Which some of it certainly is and I don't want to exonerate myself, but
it helps to realize and talk(or type) about what is going on for my kids
and realizing there are circumstances, sometimes beyond my control,
sometimes things I can help with, that are underneath anger and
unhappiness. I simplify and don't take the time to understand- life is
so rushed at times with work and my son's busy schedule.
My daughter right now especially is going through a time of transition,
with other anxieties involved in addition. I really need to pay
attention to what all is going on for her and really fill her up.
Sometimes she will wake up angry and want to be left alone, and I do
leave her alone and get involved in other things (of which there are
many, due to working at home) and don't make an effort to connect with
her until later in the day. I think it might be good to possibly try
again, even if my effort as connection is initially unwanted. I have
done this a couple of times recently and it has really helped. When she
is angry or sad at any time her pattern is to go into her room,
sometimes locking the door. I will ask her if she needs help, and if
not, leave her be, but I think staying with her a bit longer. or coming
back soon rather than getting wrapped up in work.
Anyway- thanks so much!
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
useless- I guess seeing what the issue wasn't started my mind rolling on
all the things that are wrapped up in our daily negotiations. It
certainly isn't simple! Thanks for your list, too. I am impressed and
grateful that you took the time to think about my situation!
I tend to think that all my kids anger and unhappiness is due to me not
always having been a radical unschooling mom, and the fact that my
husband is just beginning to understand the concepts and still reverts
to strange ineffective and unnecessary parent behavior (it seems to me).
Which some of it certainly is and I don't want to exonerate myself, but
it helps to realize and talk(or type) about what is going on for my kids
and realizing there are circumstances, sometimes beyond my control,
sometimes things I can help with, that are underneath anger and
unhappiness. I simplify and don't take the time to understand- life is
so rushed at times with work and my son's busy schedule.
My daughter right now especially is going through a time of transition,
with other anxieties involved in addition. I really need to pay
attention to what all is going on for her and really fill her up.
Sometimes she will wake up angry and want to be left alone, and I do
leave her alone and get involved in other things (of which there are
many, due to working at home) and don't make an effort to connect with
her until later in the day. I think it might be good to possibly try
again, even if my effort as connection is initially unwanted. I have
done this a couple of times recently and it has really helped. When she
is angry or sad at any time her pattern is to go into her room,
sometimes locking the door. I will ask her if she needs help, and if
not, leave her be, but I think staying with her a bit longer. or coming
back soon rather than getting wrapped up in work.
Anyway- thanks so much!
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
>
> One little tidbit of advice I can give you is to separate the
> different issues in your own mind - that way you can focus in on
> solutions much more easily. You're kind of smushing a bunch of things
> together. I focused on the car ride part just because I had some very
> simple and concrete suggestions for that, but it sounds like now
> you're saying that the car ride isn't an issue for her. If it is a
> little bit of an issue, now you have some more ideas, anyway.
>
Pamela Sorooshian
On Sep 18, 2007, at 6:02 AM, hbmccarty wrote:
how much you really care (as indicated by how quickly you give up on
her?) Just ideas....
When we ask kids if they want help, it means that they have to figure
out what they want - but in the midst of whatever angst is going on,
that might seem an insurmountable obstacle. So they just turn you
away rather than have to figure out for you what you can do for them.
I've done that to my husband, I know how it feels to be needy, upset,
angry, hurt, or morose, and have him want to do something to help me,
but only if I can tell him what to do to help me.
Maybe invite her to join YOU in doing something - rather than
offering to help her. Just maybe give her the opportunity,
frequently, throughout the day. "Hey, sweetie, want to listen to
music with me while I fold laundry?" "Hey, I was thinking about
watching a movie, is there one you'd like to watch with me?" Stuff
like that.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I think it might be good to possibly tryMaybe she doesn't like your approach? Maybe she's testing you to see
> again, even if my effort as connection is initially unwanted. I have
> done this a couple of times recently and it has really helped. When
> she
> is angry or sad at any time her pattern is to go into her room,
> sometimes locking the door. I will ask her if she needs help, and if
> not, leave her be, but I think staying with her a bit longer. or
> coming
> back soon rather than getting wrapped up in work.
how much you really care (as indicated by how quickly you give up on
her?) Just ideas....
When we ask kids if they want help, it means that they have to figure
out what they want - but in the midst of whatever angst is going on,
that might seem an insurmountable obstacle. So they just turn you
away rather than have to figure out for you what you can do for them.
I've done that to my husband, I know how it feels to be needy, upset,
angry, hurt, or morose, and have him want to do something to help me,
but only if I can tell him what to do to help me.
Maybe invite her to join YOU in doing something - rather than
offering to help her. Just maybe give her the opportunity,
frequently, throughout the day. "Hey, sweetie, want to listen to
music with me while I fold laundry?" "Hey, I was thinking about
watching a movie, is there one you'd like to watch with me?" Stuff
like that.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hbmccarty
Thanks for the ideas, Pam. Coming back with different offers seems like
it might be a something to try. Sometimes it seems that she just might
need a good long time by herself before wanting company- but I do want
her to know that I care and am available.
Yes, I do also know how that is- that I just want someone to sense what
I need and do that- I don't want to have to ask. Since I don't know, and
what she needs isn't always the same, as the emotions have different
sources- I can make guesses and wait and try and guess again. Sometimes
writing a note to her will be a way she will respond rather than
answering a verbal question. Sometimes it will take several hours before
she is speaking again, sometimes she wakes up angry(I think because our
house is small and she is disturbed when my husband gets up for work?)
and will avoid me for a long time before talking to me in the morning.
Sometimes it is better that I wait for her to approach me.
Sometimes I feel so hurt by her angry response to me- if I can see the
reason for the anger it is easier.
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
it might be a something to try. Sometimes it seems that she just might
need a good long time by herself before wanting company- but I do want
her to know that I care and am available.
Yes, I do also know how that is- that I just want someone to sense what
I need and do that- I don't want to have to ask. Since I don't know, and
what she needs isn't always the same, as the emotions have different
sources- I can make guesses and wait and try and guess again. Sometimes
writing a note to her will be a way she will respond rather than
answering a verbal question. Sometimes it will take several hours before
she is speaking again, sometimes she wakes up angry(I think because our
house is small and she is disturbed when my husband gets up for work?)
and will avoid me for a long time before talking to me in the morning.
Sometimes it is better that I wait for her to approach me.
Sometimes I feel so hurt by her angry response to me- if I can see the
reason for the anger it is easier.
Heather
Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
>
> Maybe she doesn't like your approach? Maybe she's testing you to see
> how much you really care (as indicated by how quickly you give up on
> her?) Just ideas....
>
> When we ask kids if they want help, it means that they have to figure
> out what they want - but in the midst of whatever angst is going on,
> that might seem an insurmountable obstacle. So they just turn you
> away rather than have to figure out for you what you can do for them.
> I've done that to my husband, I know how it feels to be needy, upset,
> angry, hurt, or morose, and have him want to do something to help me,
> but only if I can tell him what to do to help me.
>
> Maybe invite her to join YOU in doing something - rather than
> offering to help her. Just maybe give her the opportunity,
> frequently, throughout the day. "Hey, sweetie, want to listen to
> music with me while I fold laundry?" "Hey, I was thinking about
> watching a movie, is there one you'd like to watch with me?" Stuff
> like that.
>
> -pam
>
>
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: hbmccarty <hbmccarty@...>
, sometimes she wakes up angry(I think because our
house is small and she is disturbed when my husband gets up for work?)
and will avoid me for a long time before talking to me in the morning.
Sometimes it is better that I wait for her to approach me.
Sometimes I feel so hurt by her angry response to me- if I can see the
reason for the anger it is easier.
-=-=-
I meant to respond to this the first time.
Duncan can wake up "melting down" if he lacks protein.
Like, at the conference, he ate supper at 6:00pm. I didn't think to get
him something late, so he made do with crackers and Hershey bars late
at night. He'd wake up melting down---crying and fussing and angry at
me.
I knew as soon as I spoke with him what was wrong. We discuss his
meltdowns, so he knew what was going on. I suggested that I fix him a
couple of eggs NOW. He gratefully agreed, ate, and was better in just a
*few* minutes.
Maybe (and I could definitely be wrong), but maybe you should look at
her late night diet. See about making her a late night snack and/or
serving her breakfast in bed to see whether that would make a
difference.
Surely she doesn't *like* waking up angry and difficult.
Maybe play around---with her cooperation---with understanding why she
wakes up angry. I'm sure she'll want to work with you! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
From: hbmccarty <hbmccarty@...>
, sometimes she wakes up angry(I think because our
house is small and she is disturbed when my husband gets up for work?)
and will avoid me for a long time before talking to me in the morning.
Sometimes it is better that I wait for her to approach me.
Sometimes I feel so hurt by her angry response to me- if I can see the
reason for the anger it is easier.
-=-=-
I meant to respond to this the first time.
Duncan can wake up "melting down" if he lacks protein.
Like, at the conference, he ate supper at 6:00pm. I didn't think to get
him something late, so he made do with crackers and Hershey bars late
at night. He'd wake up melting down---crying and fussing and angry at
me.
I knew as soon as I spoke with him what was wrong. We discuss his
meltdowns, so he knew what was going on. I suggested that I fix him a
couple of eggs NOW. He gratefully agreed, ate, and was better in just a
*few* minutes.
Maybe (and I could definitely be wrong), but maybe you should look at
her late night diet. See about making her a late night snack and/or
serving her breakfast in bed to see whether that would make a
difference.
Surely she doesn't *like* waking up angry and difficult.
Maybe play around---with her cooperation---with understanding why she
wakes up angry. I'm sure she'll want to work with you! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail! -
http://mail.aol.com
Lisa Heyman
<<Pam wrote: Maybe invite her to join YOU in doing something - rather than
offering to help her.>>
This technique works well for us. Yesterday Fire went off to her room
rather upset when older sis expressed upset at her in front of group of
unschool teens we had at our house. I sat outside Fires door (as she didn't
want me in when I knocked). So I told her I would wait until she was ready
- this is not a new occurrence in our house. And I grabbed my needlepoint,
sometimes I grab a book, but most often I use this as a time to relax
(meditate). Then after a few minutes I'll suggest something we can do
together - it works better if the something that she wants to do rather than
something I *need* to do. Yesterday we made troll boogers <lol>.
Lisa Heyman
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
offering to help her.>>
This technique works well for us. Yesterday Fire went off to her room
rather upset when older sis expressed upset at her in front of group of
unschool teens we had at our house. I sat outside Fires door (as she didn't
want me in when I knocked). So I told her I would wait until she was ready
- this is not a new occurrence in our house. And I grabbed my needlepoint,
sometimes I grab a book, but most often I use this as a time to relax
(meditate). Then after a few minutes I'll suggest something we can do
together - it works better if the something that she wants to do rather than
something I *need* to do. Yesterday we made troll boogers <lol>.
Lisa Heyman
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hbmccarty
The food thing is something to could pay more attention to. Since
relaxing controls on food protein is sometimes lacking- I need to come
up with some options for her that are more appealing. The cost is
sometimes an issue- the proteins she likes do tend to cost more than
other foods but I think I can figure some things out.
Sitting outside her room when she doesn't want me to come in is
something I have done when she was younger- could try again. Our level
of busy-ness has gone up so much(which is itself is a big part of the
problem). I am trying to give away some responsibilities- however,
sometimes this takes a lot of effort which is why I haven't done it yet.
One step at a time. We are able to spend some satisfactory time together
everyday at some point and have been talking about how she feels and
possible reasons- not enough sleep or food is part of it, I suspect
hormones may be coming into play already too, on top of having not
enough of her own things going on in general. She had a great weekend
with her cousins and showed them how to make earrings. Her younger
cousin just quit the gymnastics team which may really be a great thing
for everyone- she'll have more energy and time to play.
thanks so much- I expressed frustration about the situation to my
husband about the situation and his solution was to send her to school-
oh well. I don't know where I would be without these lists!
Heather
relaxing controls on food protein is sometimes lacking- I need to come
up with some options for her that are more appealing. The cost is
sometimes an issue- the proteins she likes do tend to cost more than
other foods but I think I can figure some things out.
Sitting outside her room when she doesn't want me to come in is
something I have done when she was younger- could try again. Our level
of busy-ness has gone up so much(which is itself is a big part of the
problem). I am trying to give away some responsibilities- however,
sometimes this takes a lot of effort which is why I haven't done it yet.
One step at a time. We are able to spend some satisfactory time together
everyday at some point and have been talking about how she feels and
possible reasons- not enough sleep or food is part of it, I suspect
hormones may be coming into play already too, on top of having not
enough of her own things going on in general. She had a great weekend
with her cousins and showed them how to make earrings. Her younger
cousin just quit the gymnastics team which may really be a great thing
for everyone- she'll have more energy and time to play.
thanks so much- I expressed frustration about the situation to my
husband about the situation and his solution was to send her to school-
oh well. I don't know where I would be without these lists!
Heather