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Susan wrote:

My step-daughter Jess was very materialistic, and spoiled absolutely
rotten.
Whatever she wanted, she got, as long as her parents had the money for
it.
I got the opportunity to show her the value of what she already had
when we
had a battle of wills over her cleaning her room. I told her that if it
wasn't done by 9:00 Thursday morning, I was going to clean it myself,
and I
clean with a lot of garbage bags. She didn't believe me. So when she got
home from after-school stuff that evening, her room was spotless. She
was
amazed, and thanked me profusely for cleaning it for her. She was quite
happy, until she went to look for a CD, couldn't find it, and asked me
where
it was. "In the garbage." Her other CD's? In the garbage. The clothes
that were piled all over the place? Garbage. Everything that wasn't put
away
neatly was in the garbage.

-=-==-=-=-


I think it's REALLY important to understand your goals.

This step-mom will achieve her goal: I'm pretty sure it won't happen
again (well, maybe *one* more time)---that her step-daughter will have
such a messy room.

If the goal is a clean room, that will be considered by *many* to be an
acceptable route to chose.

If the goal is a kind, respectful, trusting relationship with her
step-daughter,...ummm.....I think there will be a problem. I doubt that
damage can *EVER* be repaired.

Children WILL learn---just not necessarily what you think you're
teaching them. This step-mom *thought* she was teaching her
step-daughter a lesson about keeping her room clan. What the child
*LEARNED* was how to be vindictive, disrespectful, and
untrustworthy---among other horrible things. This relationship has
nowhere else to go but DOWN. So sad.

1) What's the goal?
2) What's the REAL lesson being learned?
3) Would you treat your dearest and best friend like this?



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
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Susan

> My step-daughter Jess was very materialistic, and spoiled absolutely
> rotten. Whatever she wanted, she got, as long as her parents had the money for
> it. I got the opportunity to show her the value of what she already had
> when we had a battle of wills over her cleaning her room. I told her that if it
> wasn't done by 9:00 Thursday morning, I was going to clean it myself,
> and I clean with a lot of garbage bags. She didn't believe me. So when she got
> home from after-school stuff that evening, her room was spotless. She
> was amazed, and thanked me profusely for cleaning it for her. She was quite
> happy, until she went to look for a CD, couldn't find it, and asked me
> where it was. "In the garbage." Her other CD's? In the garbage. The clothes
> that were piled all over the place? Garbage. Everything that wasn't put
> away neatly was in the garbage.

-=-==-=-=-

Kelly wrote:
> I think it's REALLY important to understand your goals.

I was thinking this, too. It helps me change my perspective when I'm
in the moment and faced with the immediacy of a situation. It helps to
take a breath and think about the mom I'm striving to be, what I want
for my kids and for our relationship Long Term.

What I found really upsetting about the above message was how the girl
seemed so happy and grateful that her step-mom cleaned her room - she
even thanked her and I can see how she might have felt that *finally*
her stepmom was trying to extend a peace offering or be helpful to
her. I know that when a room is cluttered or really messy it can be
overwhelming to clean it - where do you start?

So I am imagining the joy and relief the girl felt when she came home
to a tidy room, and then the betrayal and sadness and anger that must
have replaced that joy when she learned it was all done in retribution
and that her belongings were in the garbage and her space had been
violated in such a mean-spirited way. You're right, it is so sad. The
room is clean but the relationship was seriously harmed - if it was
ever great to begin with, which I doubt considering the way the
stepmom describes Jessie.

~ Susan