Holly

Hey!! How are ya'll doing? I've been lurking, reading the daily
digests, etc.., but not posting much.

Something has come up with my Unschooling journey that is causing me
to feel pressure to "School" my 11-year-old son, (our only child). I
know it's only MY and/or My Husband's feelings, not my son's, but
just want to get some advice/criticism/whatever..

My son has been "unschooling" since taking him out of a Private
Christian school in second grade. We took him out of this school
because of an incident with his teacher and because he was slipping
in Mathematics, due to peer pressure, among other things. He has
still remained friends with a few of the children from his class.

One boy, in particular, has ALWAYS had to "one up" my son, yet my son
is so desperate for friendships, (there are no homeschool groups in
our area and he is not interested in group sports, etc.) that he puts
up with it despite the fact that practically EVERY playdate they end
up mad at each other.

This boy is younger than my son, but has advanced to a higher grade
in his traditional school and has not hesitated to flaunt this fact
in front of my son, almost belittling him at times. He also tries to
compete with him with Math problems, Pokemon games, swimming...you
name it! In fact, my son is taking golf lessons and I've asked him to
not mention this to them because the boy will want lessons, too, and
will compete in that respect...It's soooo annoying and I'm actually
starting to let it get the best of me!!

Should I allow my son to continue this so-called friendship?

The ambitious side of ME says to school, school, school him in Math
so he can at least have an advantage. I know it bothers me more than
him...but there have been tears and that is what's breaking my
heart...The other side of me says to let it go and let him learn to
choose his own friends...but how long is he going to endure this?
Every playtime ends with an unhappy boy...

Any and all thoughts are welcome - publicly or private...

Thanks!

wisdomalways5

--- In [email protected], "Holly" <gitargirl63@...>
wrote:
>
> My son has been "unschooling" since taking him out of a Private
> Christian school in second grade. We took him out of this school
> because of an incident with his teacher and because he was
slipping
> in Mathematics, due to peer pressure, among other things. He has
> still remained friends with a few of the children from his class.
>
> One boy, in particular, has ALWAYS had to "one up" my son, yet my
son
> is so desperate for friendships, (there are no homeschool groups
in
> our area and he is not interested in group sports, etc.) that he
puts
> up with it despite the fact that practically EVERY playdate they
end
> up mad at each other.

You may want to disucss how this all makes your son feel. My son
when he was about 10 *thought* he wanted to have friend spend the
night but half way through the evening they were sick of each other
because my son really needed alone time. He can only be social for
so long before he is done. I started reminding him that he did not
have fun all night long and if he would rather just play late.

Ask him what he thinks about it? Why does he continue to want to
play? You mentioned that he was desperate for friends but is that
your thoughts or his? What can you do to help find new people.


>
> This boy is younger than my son, but has advanced to a higher
grade
> in his traditional school and has not hesitated to flaunt this
fact
> in front of my son, almost belittling him at times. He also tries
to
> compete with him with Math problems, Pokemon games, swimming...you
> name it! In fact, my son is taking golf lessons and I've asked him
to
> not mention this to them because the boy will want lessons, too,
and
> will compete in that respect...It's soooo annoying and I'm
actually
> starting to let it get the best of me!!

Is it getting the best of your son- how does he feel/think about all
this?

Do not push your child just because some kid is like this. Step back
and remember that YOU should not be competing with this child.

I wish I could write more but daughter needs me
JulieH

I

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Holly" <gitargirl63@...>
wrote:
>> One boy, in particular, has ALWAYS had to "one up" my son, yet my
son
> is so desperate for friendships, (there are no homeschool groups
in
> our area and he is not interested in group sports, etc.) that he
puts
> up with it despite the fact that practically EVERY playdate they
end
> up mad at each other.

This seems to me to be the core of the situation. Your son may
feel "stuck" in a relationship that he doesn't feel empowered to
walk away from. I'd look for more options like the golf - things
your son can do away from the other boy, where he has a chance to
meet other people (not necessarily his age) who share his interests
or just more chances to do things one-on-one with mom and dad.

> Should I allow my son to continue this so-called friendship?

Maybe you should ask him that very question. Would he feel better
about things if you simply disallowed the two boys to play together?
Or is there some other way you can help him feel more empowered
about the relationship? Maybe he doesn't so much need you to
say "you can't play with him" as to remind him of how the playdates
end when he asks for one.

---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)

Holly

--- In [email protected], "wisdomalways5"
<wisdom1133@...> wrote:

> You may want to disucss how this all makes your son feel. My son
> when he was about 10 *thought* he wanted to have friend spend the
> night but half way through the evening they were sick of each other
> because my son really needed alone time. He can only be social for
> so long before he is done. I started reminding him that he did not
> have fun all night long and if he would rather just play late.
>
> Ask him what he thinks about it? Why does he continue to want to
> play? You mentioned that he was desperate for friends but is that
> your thoughts or his? What can you do to help find new people.
>

Yes, I agree with what you said, and I have reminded him of all of the
times he's come home saddened after a day with this boy. He will then
decide that he's not going to be "friends" with him any longer until the
next time the boy calls, then he agrees to play again. That's where the
"desperate for friends" comes in. He asks me DAILY if he can have a
friend come to play. It seems that playing with Dad & Mom is not enough.
Summertime it's not as difficult, because the schooling friends are more
available. But it gets worse during the times when the other children
are at school. As for trying to find new people for him to play with,
that process has begun, but rather slowly.
>
>
> Is it getting the best of your son- how does he feel/think about all
> this?
>
> Do not push your child just because some kid is like this. Step back
> and remember that YOU should not be competing with this child.
>
> I wish I could write more but daughter needs me
> JulieH

I do believe that it is getting the best of him...and has always
affected my sons self esteem. (They've been friends since Preschool).
He doesn't think he's as good as this boy at anything. They've played
sports together, as well, and the boy is much bigger than my son, so
excels in sports not because of skill, but because of size. (Which may
be another reason why my son has decided not to play group sports any
longer). I think it makes my son sad but he continues to accept play
invitations.

I definitely don't WANT to push him, that's just my competitive spirit.
I love how things are, but I just hate to see this kid walk all over my
son that way.... That's why I was posting here, so all of you wonderful
people could help me get my perspective back! LOL!!

You were very helpful, Julie... Again, just to talk about this is
helping me realize what I may need to do.
>




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Holly

--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <meredith@...>
wrote:

> This seems to me to be the core of the situation. Your son may
> feel "stuck" in a relationship that he doesn't feel empowered to
> walk away from. I'd look for more options like the golf - things
> your son can do away from the other boy, where he has a chance to
> meet other people (not necessarily his age) who share his interests
> or just more chances to do things one-on-one with mom and dad.
>

Wow Meredith, I never thought of that. Maybe it IS because he doesn't
have many other options...well, I'm working on that part! We've got a
couple of new families that we are trying to hook up with...(sigh..)


> > Should I allow my son to continue this so-called friendship?
>
> Maybe you should ask him that very question. Would he feel better
> about things if you simply disallowed the two boys to play together?
> Or is there some other way you can help him feel more empowered
> about the relationship? Maybe he doesn't so much need you to
> say "you can't play with him" as to remind him of how the playdates
> end when he asks for one.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)

Hmmm, another interesting point...thanks Meredith... :)
>




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jane

We have worked through 2 schooled friends with my 11 yo son. Both offered opportunities for all of us to grow. Both were driven by my son's need to have friends in the neighborhood no matter what.

>> One boy, in particular, has ALWAYS had to "one up" my son, yet my son is so desperate for friendships, (there are no homeschool groups in our area and he is not interested in group sports, etc.) that he puts up with it despite the fact that practically EVERY playdate they end up mad at each other.>>>

How does your son feel about this one-upping? Ask him. Pose the question and say nothing. When the opportunity presents itself, tell him that you've noticed that each time they play they end up angry. Ask him why that happens. Ask why he wants to befriend this child.

My son just ended a "friendship" with a 12 yo who hit him -- daily. The "first round", I caught the signs and we talked about what my ideas of what friendships really were, what it meant to be a friend, what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship, and possible resolutions to this boy's blows. All I offered was clearly prefaced with *my* opinion, *I* think as I sincerely struggled to retain his freedom to choose what was next even though I wanted to go hit this kid myself (where you want to school). He chose to confront this boy about the hitting and it stopped -- for a while.

> Should I allow my son to continue this so-called friendship? >>

This is a tricky question. As the first post said, it is *his* friendship and *his* path to choose. In our situation I really needed to think through what to do. I asked my son to take a 2 day break from seeing this boy. He did, although I did "state and wait" when the boy appeared at our home.

There was a second round of hitting. This time I chose to limit to have play happen here, at our home only. My son was *not* thrilled, but his safety was the core of the issue and he agreed.

The hitting then happened when I wasn't immediately present. With my son's agreement, enter the ever-present parent who sits on the floor reading a magazine and verbally interjects as needed.

As we continued to talk through what was and was not happening, what my son thoughts were, what my thoughts were, and oh so much more, my son felt empowered to stop hanging out with this boy, but sincerely needed my boundaries to empower himself to do it. I did not a thing without his agreement and he has grown **tremendously** from it as a whole (as have dh & I and all of his siblings!!)

While it IS hard, take yourself out of it. Try not to apply your life experience, but to offer it to your son as appropriate. Focus on your son and his thoughts.

Hth,
Jane




Jane Powell
Tribe's Partner

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

"There is no right way to do the wrong thing." - unknown



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Holly

Thank-you Jane for your post. I am absorbing all of this information
before I make any decision with regards to this situation.

Regards,

Holly