My 4 year old is soooo shy!
Darcy Zloczewski
Okay, I have really only introduced myself once, so let me give some
background. I am a SAHM and unschool my 2yr. old daughter nad 4 yr
old son. My daughter is wonderful, spirited, somewhat outgoing. My
son used to be a very mellow, easy going, quick to adapt type kid.
Lately, I would say in the last several months, he has grown
painfully shy/reserved. He chews his thumb, opens his mouth as if to
yawn (but doesn't), walks behind me, etc. when approached by someone
he doesn't know. He has also decided there is a monster in every room
in the house when he is alone in them. Going potty has become a
challenge--though he does sometimes go on his own and proudly
exclaims, "mama, I went without you in here!" He even has trouble
approaching his own friends when somewhere like the park. At home he
is fine with most people (as long as they are not a total stranger),
so really it only happens outside the home.
Any one else out there have shy kids? Or, kids who were once just
mellow, now turned shy?? DH wants to put him in "social" situations--
soccer, swimming lessons, etc--to break him out of jis shell. I try
to remind dh that both he and I were very much the same as DS as
children!
Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions, empathy welcome!!!!
In peace,
Darcy
background. I am a SAHM and unschool my 2yr. old daughter nad 4 yr
old son. My daughter is wonderful, spirited, somewhat outgoing. My
son used to be a very mellow, easy going, quick to adapt type kid.
Lately, I would say in the last several months, he has grown
painfully shy/reserved. He chews his thumb, opens his mouth as if to
yawn (but doesn't), walks behind me, etc. when approached by someone
he doesn't know. He has also decided there is a monster in every room
in the house when he is alone in them. Going potty has become a
challenge--though he does sometimes go on his own and proudly
exclaims, "mama, I went without you in here!" He even has trouble
approaching his own friends when somewhere like the park. At home he
is fine with most people (as long as they are not a total stranger),
so really it only happens outside the home.
Any one else out there have shy kids? Or, kids who were once just
mellow, now turned shy?? DH wants to put him in "social" situations--
soccer, swimming lessons, etc--to break him out of jis shell. I try
to remind dh that both he and I were very much the same as DS as
children!
Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions, empathy welcome!!!!
In peace,
Darcy
oum rayan
Hi Darcy,
My 4 yo has done a similar change in nature this past year. I was told by someone that it is a natural stage at this age, and to be expected. Even without durastic change going on at home, children of this age go through separation anxiety. I was also reassured that they outgrow it, as I am waiting for, myself.
When my son was 2 he was such a social butterfly that I put him in MDO twice a week just to give him consistent playtime with others. He continued that until he reached 4yrs, then asked to stop MDO. He wants nothing more than to hang out with Mom and play with friends at home, so I oblige him.
I wish you well, and hope BOTH our kids outgrow this stage fairly soon. Until then, I will just keep him next to me until he's ready to venture out and explore on his own. Best wishes, Lisa O
Darcy Zloczewski <mrsz16@...> wrote:
Okay, I have really only introduced myself once, so let me give some
background. I am a SAHM and unschool my 2yr. old daughter nad 4 yr
old son. My daughter is wonderful, spirited, somewhat outgoing. My
son used to be a very mellow, easy going, quick to adapt type kid.
Lately, I would say in the last several months, he has grown
painfully shy/reserved. He chews his thumb, opens his mouth as if to
yawn (but doesn't), walks behind me, etc. when approached by someone
he doesn't know. He has also decided there is a monster in every room
in the house when he is alone in them. Going potty has become a
challenge--though he does sometimes go on his own and proudly
exclaims, "mama, I went without you in here!" He even has trouble
approaching his own friends when somewhere like the park. At home he
is fine with most people (as long as they are not a total stranger),
so really it only happens outside the home.
Any one else out there have shy kids? Or, kids who were once just
mellow, now turned shy?? DH wants to put him in "social" situations--
soccer, swimming lessons, etc--to break him out of jis shell. I try
to remind dh that both he and I were very much the same as DS as
children!
Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions, empathy welcome!!!!
In peace,
Darcy
---------------------------------
Don't pick lemons.
See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My 4 yo has done a similar change in nature this past year. I was told by someone that it is a natural stage at this age, and to be expected. Even without durastic change going on at home, children of this age go through separation anxiety. I was also reassured that they outgrow it, as I am waiting for, myself.
When my son was 2 he was such a social butterfly that I put him in MDO twice a week just to give him consistent playtime with others. He continued that until he reached 4yrs, then asked to stop MDO. He wants nothing more than to hang out with Mom and play with friends at home, so I oblige him.
I wish you well, and hope BOTH our kids outgrow this stage fairly soon. Until then, I will just keep him next to me until he's ready to venture out and explore on his own. Best wishes, Lisa O
Darcy Zloczewski <mrsz16@...> wrote:
Okay, I have really only introduced myself once, so let me give some
background. I am a SAHM and unschool my 2yr. old daughter nad 4 yr
old son. My daughter is wonderful, spirited, somewhat outgoing. My
son used to be a very mellow, easy going, quick to adapt type kid.
Lately, I would say in the last several months, he has grown
painfully shy/reserved. He chews his thumb, opens his mouth as if to
yawn (but doesn't), walks behind me, etc. when approached by someone
he doesn't know. He has also decided there is a monster in every room
in the house when he is alone in them. Going potty has become a
challenge--though he does sometimes go on his own and proudly
exclaims, "mama, I went without you in here!" He even has trouble
approaching his own friends when somewhere like the park. At home he
is fine with most people (as long as they are not a total stranger),
so really it only happens outside the home.
Any one else out there have shy kids? Or, kids who were once just
mellow, now turned shy?? DH wants to put him in "social" situations--
soccer, swimming lessons, etc--to break him out of jis shell. I try
to remind dh that both he and I were very much the same as DS as
children!
Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions, empathy welcome!!!!
In peace,
Darcy
---------------------------------
Don't pick lemons.
See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bobcatpris2000
Hi,
Read this book "Hold on To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter
More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld. The last thing your son needs is
to be forced to "get over it". He has better knowledge of what his
emotional needs are right now than anyone else. Those needs should
be repected. Making him interact with "strangers" or hug Uncle Harry
or do any of the things SHY kids shy away from is right up there
with taking the binky away and painting sour stuff on the thumb.
Psychotherapy, anyone?
Here's an Amazon link to read about the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-
Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-2016833-7506538?
ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1183530402&sr=1-1
Priscilla
--- In [email protected], "Darcy Zloczewski"
<mrsz16@...> wrote:
Read this book "Hold on To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter
More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld. The last thing your son needs is
to be forced to "get over it". He has better knowledge of what his
emotional needs are right now than anyone else. Those needs should
be repected. Making him interact with "strangers" or hug Uncle Harry
or do any of the things SHY kids shy away from is right up there
with taking the binky away and painting sour stuff on the thumb.
Psychotherapy, anyone?
Here's an Amazon link to read about the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-
Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-2016833-7506538?
ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1183530402&sr=1-1
Priscilla
--- In [email protected], "Darcy Zloczewski"
<mrsz16@...> wrote:
> My son used to be a very mellow, easy going, quick to adapt typekid.
> Lately, I would say in the last several months, he has grownin "social" situations--.........
> painfully shy/reserved.. ........
> Any one else out there have shy kids? DH wants to put him
> In peace,
> Darcy
>
Sylvia Toyama
Any one else out there have shy kids? Or, kids who were once just mellow, now turned shy?? DH wants to put him in "social" situations--soccer, swimming lessons, etc--to break him out of jis shell. I try to remind dh that both he and I were very much the same as DS as
children!
****
As a once-shy child (and really at heart, a shy adult) and Mom of two shy children, I can sympathize. IMO, putting (forcing) a child into social situations, things like organized sports, etc in the hopes it will break him out of his shell, is never a good idea. I remember how terribly painful it was to be thrust in a situation where I had to speak to others, or worse yet, be on the spot to hit the ball, call out the answer, or be the center of anyone's attention.
Memories of my experiences as a shy child, led me to be very accommodating of my firstborn's shyness. He needed to feel confident in a room to know how he fit in. I could see and understand that. Once he's figured out what the room/group expects from him, and how he can meet that situation, he jumps right in and shines. It just takes more time -- and safety -- than most people want to give to a child. Forcing him to be in a situation where he had to jump right in, only pushed him farther into himself -- because he didn't feel safe, and the adults who force him aren't being trustworthy. I've always felt it's part of the perfectionist's package, too -- being shy is the ultimate protection from being found in some way deficient by others. It's a protection, to keep you safe until it's okay to let other people in. Let him have his safety net.
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha!
Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Yahoo! Games.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
children!
****
As a once-shy child (and really at heart, a shy adult) and Mom of two shy children, I can sympathize. IMO, putting (forcing) a child into social situations, things like organized sports, etc in the hopes it will break him out of his shell, is never a good idea. I remember how terribly painful it was to be thrust in a situation where I had to speak to others, or worse yet, be on the spot to hit the ball, call out the answer, or be the center of anyone's attention.
Memories of my experiences as a shy child, led me to be very accommodating of my firstborn's shyness. He needed to feel confident in a room to know how he fit in. I could see and understand that. Once he's figured out what the room/group expects from him, and how he can meet that situation, he jumps right in and shines. It just takes more time -- and safety -- than most people want to give to a child. Forcing him to be in a situation where he had to jump right in, only pushed him farther into himself -- because he didn't feel safe, and the adults who force him aren't being trustworthy. I've always felt it's part of the perfectionist's package, too -- being shy is the ultimate protection from being found in some way deficient by others. It's a protection, to keep you safe until it's okay to let other people in. Let him have his safety net.
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha!
Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Yahoo! Games.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], Sylvia Toyama
<sylgt04@...> wrote:
room/group expects from him, and how he can meet that situation, he
jumps right in and shines. It just takes more time -- and safety --
than most people want to give to a child. Forcing him to be in a
situation where he had to jump right in, only pushed him farther
into himself --
******************
This sounds very much like Mo (and me!). I think of it in terms of
needing to observe people and groups before deciding who and how to
socialize, rather than confidence, per se, though. Some people
gather information about people by interacting, others need to
observe. Asking an "observant learner" to interact right off the bat
undermines his learning process - its too hard to do both at once -
so that person will actually develop social skills more slowly.
One of the things *I* noticed, is that once I had discovered this
about Mo and realized it was a "normal" way to learn about social
situations it was much easier for me to sit up taller and look
around with more attention and focus in new situations. One of the
most damaging aspects of having been pushed to "jump right in" is
that I had learned to de-value my own learning process. "Shy" to me
meant "defective" - so I tend to avoid the word now.
Mo often needs time to observe people she knows well after an
absence, but also if a certain person tends to be temperamental.
One of the truely amazing things about honoring (and where necessary
actively defending) her obervant-learning process is that often,
now, she can very quickly asses the overall kid-friendliness of a
group. Its really striking to see a child who still hides behind me
in most new locations dive into a group of strangers and strike up a
conversation after a couple minutes of observation.
---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)
<sylgt04@...> wrote:
> He needed to feel confident in a room to know how he fit in. Icould see and understand that. Once he's figured out what the
room/group expects from him, and how he can meet that situation, he
jumps right in and shines. It just takes more time -- and safety --
than most people want to give to a child. Forcing him to be in a
situation where he had to jump right in, only pushed him farther
into himself --
******************
This sounds very much like Mo (and me!). I think of it in terms of
needing to observe people and groups before deciding who and how to
socialize, rather than confidence, per se, though. Some people
gather information about people by interacting, others need to
observe. Asking an "observant learner" to interact right off the bat
undermines his learning process - its too hard to do both at once -
so that person will actually develop social skills more slowly.
One of the things *I* noticed, is that once I had discovered this
about Mo and realized it was a "normal" way to learn about social
situations it was much easier for me to sit up taller and look
around with more attention and focus in new situations. One of the
most damaging aspects of having been pushed to "jump right in" is
that I had learned to de-value my own learning process. "Shy" to me
meant "defective" - so I tend to avoid the word now.
Mo often needs time to observe people she knows well after an
absence, but also if a certain person tends to be temperamental.
One of the truely amazing things about honoring (and where necessary
actively defending) her obervant-learning process is that often,
now, she can very quickly asses the overall kid-friendliness of a
group. Its really striking to see a child who still hides behind me
in most new locations dive into a group of strangers and strike up a
conversation after a couple minutes of observation.
---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)
Sylvia Toyama
"Shy" to me meant "defective" - so I tend to avoid the word now.
*****
As a child, I found refuge in the word shy -- once people heard that I was shy, they pretty much left me to myself, especially when my younger sister became 'the outgoing one' in our home.
As a Mom, I offer up shy as an excuse, because it helps to convey that the child isn't being rude and disrespectful, which seems to make people more comfortable overall. Again, people seem okay with that. It probably helps that I have one very outgoing child, too, to distract them from the quieter one.
It's also that I'm not one to let someone else own or define my words for me, so I take some perverse pleasure in enjoying words meant to indicate defect. <g>
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
*****
As a child, I found refuge in the word shy -- once people heard that I was shy, they pretty much left me to myself, especially when my younger sister became 'the outgoing one' in our home.
As a Mom, I offer up shy as an excuse, because it helps to convey that the child isn't being rude and disrespectful, which seems to make people more comfortable overall. Again, people seem okay with that. It probably helps that I have one very outgoing child, too, to distract them from the quieter one.
It's also that I'm not one to let someone else own or define my words for me, so I take some perverse pleasure in enjoying words meant to indicate defect. <g>
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
I'm confident that no one meeting my now teen and adult children could pick
out which of them was the most reserved at age 4. The child who refused to make
eye contact with strangers and made a permanent face imprint in the back of
my thigh is now the most likely to strike up a conversation with someone newly
met, and is fearless in social situations. We never pushed. We ran
interference with the critical and the well meaning concerned. We offered situations
without caring if they were accepted or not. We always left open the possibility
of change, not declaring the child "shy" but deflecting questioners with a
simple "oh s/he doesn't like talking to strangers now."
A "shy" 4 year old might be a reserved adult, or they might not. They should
be supported in whatever way they grow.
Deborah in IL
**************************************
See what's free at
http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
out which of them was the most reserved at age 4. The child who refused to make
eye contact with strangers and made a permanent face imprint in the back of
my thigh is now the most likely to strike up a conversation with someone newly
met, and is fearless in social situations. We never pushed. We ran
interference with the critical and the well meaning concerned. We offered situations
without caring if they were accepted or not. We always left open the possibility
of change, not declaring the child "shy" but deflecting questioners with a
simple "oh s/he doesn't like talking to strangers now."
A "shy" 4 year old might be a reserved adult, or they might not. They should
be supported in whatever way they grow.
Deborah in IL
**************************************
See what's free at
http://www.aol.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fetteroll
On Jul 5, 2007, at 1:13 AM, DACunefare@... wrote:
Though my daughter wasn't shy, she too, like the original poster's
son, wouldn't go upstairs by herself until she was 11 or 12. She
needed me in the bathroom with her. She slept next to our bed until
she was 13. Often she had problems staying overnight at other
people's houses and would call for reassurance late at night.
And yet last year just after turning 15 she decided she wanted to go
to car design camp in Detroit for 2 weeks. My husband drove her out
from Boston and, after an overnight stay, dropped her off. (Google
Earth was very comforting in allowing us to see the area, which was
actually a very nice area of Detroit. Yes, there are nice areas in
Detroit ;-)
Not a bit of homesickness. Though she called each night for the first
week, after that she called maybe 3 times. (They kept the kids *very*
busy from 8-9 with classes that also had homework. She was told that
was light compared to what the college was like ;-) And then she flew
home all by herself, with a plane change in Philadelphia.
(This is much easier to write than it was to convince ourselves that
we needed to not say no! ;-)
I really doubt she'd be that confident if we'd pushed her. Kids do
well when they can grow in their own time.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> The child who refused to makeYup.
> eye contact with strangers and made a permanent face imprint in the
> back of
> my thigh is now the most likely to strike up a conversation with
> someone newly
> met, and is fearless in social situations. We never pushed.
Though my daughter wasn't shy, she too, like the original poster's
son, wouldn't go upstairs by herself until she was 11 or 12. She
needed me in the bathroom with her. She slept next to our bed until
she was 13. Often she had problems staying overnight at other
people's houses and would call for reassurance late at night.
And yet last year just after turning 15 she decided she wanted to go
to car design camp in Detroit for 2 weeks. My husband drove her out
from Boston and, after an overnight stay, dropped her off. (Google
Earth was very comforting in allowing us to see the area, which was
actually a very nice area of Detroit. Yes, there are nice areas in
Detroit ;-)
Not a bit of homesickness. Though she called each night for the first
week, after that she called maybe 3 times. (They kept the kids *very*
busy from 8-9 with classes that also had homework. She was told that
was light compared to what the college was like ;-) And then she flew
home all by herself, with a plane change in Philadelphia.
(This is much easier to write than it was to convince ourselves that
we needed to not say no! ;-)
I really doubt she'd be that confident if we'd pushed her. Kids do
well when they can grow in their own time.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], Sylvia Toyama
<sylgt04@...> wrote:
my younger sister became 'the outgoing one' in our home.
***********************
Wow, that would have been so nice.... For my mom, and too many
others, shy seems to mean "needs to be drawn out". Exactly the last
thing I needed!
I've seen both reactions to Mo. Some people say "oh, she's shy" and
back off, while others will try to get right up in her face. I've
used variations on the "slow to warm up" line, mostly successfully,
as a way to get people to back off. Twice I've actually had to tell
an adult to back off - well, I've said "that really isn't helpful"
while putting my whole body between the adult and Mo.
Actually we were at a party yesterday and I got to see a twist on
this issue - this is the group of friends who have gotten used to
seeing Mo be friendly and social, so people were saying "hi" and
approaching her in a friendly way, but she hadn't seen most of them
in more than a month, so she was wanting to take some time and
observe all over again. I think part of the issue, in this
particular case, is she was the only kid at the party at that point,
so *everyone* seemed to know her name and want to say hi, but she
had over thirty faces and names to remember. So I spent the first
hour at the party having Mo hide behind me while everyone wanted to
know "what's wrong?"
In a different environment I might have been able to sit with her
somewhere we could watch the whole group at once for awhile - from
past experience I know that helps *alot*, but the layout of the
house and yards didn't make that feasible. And eventually she was
able to talk to some people and blow raspberries at others and have
a good time.
---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)
<sylgt04@...> wrote:
> As a child, I found refuge in the word shy -- once people heardthat I was shy, they pretty much left me to myself, especially when
my younger sister became 'the outgoing one' in our home.
***********************
Wow, that would have been so nice.... For my mom, and too many
others, shy seems to mean "needs to be drawn out". Exactly the last
thing I needed!
I've seen both reactions to Mo. Some people say "oh, she's shy" and
back off, while others will try to get right up in her face. I've
used variations on the "slow to warm up" line, mostly successfully,
as a way to get people to back off. Twice I've actually had to tell
an adult to back off - well, I've said "that really isn't helpful"
while putting my whole body between the adult and Mo.
Actually we were at a party yesterday and I got to see a twist on
this issue - this is the group of friends who have gotten used to
seeing Mo be friendly and social, so people were saying "hi" and
approaching her in a friendly way, but she hadn't seen most of them
in more than a month, so she was wanting to take some time and
observe all over again. I think part of the issue, in this
particular case, is she was the only kid at the party at that point,
so *everyone* seemed to know her name and want to say hi, but she
had over thirty faces and names to remember. So I spent the first
hour at the party having Mo hide behind me while everyone wanted to
know "what's wrong?"
In a different environment I might have been able to sit with her
somewhere we could watch the whole group at once for awhile - from
past experience I know that helps *alot*, but the layout of the
house and yards didn't make that feasible. And eventually she was
able to talk to some people and blow raspberries at others and have
a good time.
---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)
oum rayan
Gosh, I feel a twinge of guilt...something you said reminded me of how when my brother's new girlfriend came to visit the 1st time (a couple months ago), she let me know she is shy and a bit uncomfortable with babies. Well, instead of taking that as a cue that she has a fear of some kind, I plop my infant son in her lap and tell her that's the best way to get over it! Ha! How very sensitive of me! The good new is, she now spends her days here doing nothing BUT holding the baby (voluntarily:).
I am terribly shy in social situations, but would like to describe it as 'overstimulated'. I can't handle much noise, much interaction with more than 2 people...I shut down. You'll either see this glazed look in my eye, or sheer panic. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom at social events (even family events), decompressing and trying to center myself. I've gotten better at it over the years, thanks to meditation, but I still fear groups of chatty people.
I watch my son respond to groups as if he's overstimulated, too. Alone, or with 1-2 kids, he's charming, thoughtful, gentle and considerate. But as soon as the number of kids increases, he's like a spinning top. He doesn't listen (to me or them), won't stop annoying games, even when asked by the kids...just goes into a mania, of sorts. When my nieces came to spend a week for Spring Break I was able to observe his behavior in full force for a week solid. I thought he would slow down, or atleast pace himself after a few days, but nope. From the moment he awoke to the time he crashed at night, he was someone else's rambunctious kid. The day I took the girls to thier Nana's house and kept him to take back home with me, the second he was buckled in the carseat to drive away, he was his old self again.He was even able to express his need to 'be alone' some, too.
.:*:Lisa:*:.
Meredith <meredith@...> wrote:
--- In [email protected], Sylvia Toyama
<sylgt04@...> wrote:
my younger sister became 'the outgoing one' in our home.
***********************
Wow, that would have been so nice.... For my mom, and too many
others, shy seems to mean "needs to be drawn out". Exactly the last
thing I needed!
I've seen both reactions to Mo. Some people say "oh, she's shy" and
back off, while others will try to get right up in her face. I've
used variations on the "slow to warm up" line, mostly successfully,
as a way to get people to back off. Twice I've actually had to tell
an adult to back off - well, I've said "that really isn't helpful"
while putting my whole body between the adult and Mo.
Actually we were at a party yesterday and I got to see a twist on
this issue - this is the group of friends who have gotten used to
seeing Mo be friendly and social, so people were saying "hi" and
approaching her in a friendly way, but she hadn't seen most of them
in more than a month, so she was wanting to take some time and
observe all over again. I think part of the issue, in this
particular case, is she was the only kid at the party at that point,
so *everyone* seemed to know her name and want to say hi, but she
had over thirty faces and names to remember. So I spent the first
hour at the party having Mo hide behind me while everyone wanted to
know "what's wrong?"
In a different environment I might have been able to sit with her
somewhere we could watch the whole group at once for awhile - from
past experience I know that helps *alot*, but the layout of the
house and yards didn't make that feasible. And eventually she was
able to talk to some people and blow raspberries at others and have
a good time.
---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)
---------------------------------
Choose the right car based on your needs. Check out Yahoo! Autos new Car Finder tool.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am terribly shy in social situations, but would like to describe it as 'overstimulated'. I can't handle much noise, much interaction with more than 2 people...I shut down. You'll either see this glazed look in my eye, or sheer panic. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom at social events (even family events), decompressing and trying to center myself. I've gotten better at it over the years, thanks to meditation, but I still fear groups of chatty people.
I watch my son respond to groups as if he's overstimulated, too. Alone, or with 1-2 kids, he's charming, thoughtful, gentle and considerate. But as soon as the number of kids increases, he's like a spinning top. He doesn't listen (to me or them), won't stop annoying games, even when asked by the kids...just goes into a mania, of sorts. When my nieces came to spend a week for Spring Break I was able to observe his behavior in full force for a week solid. I thought he would slow down, or atleast pace himself after a few days, but nope. From the moment he awoke to the time he crashed at night, he was someone else's rambunctious kid. The day I took the girls to thier Nana's house and kept him to take back home with me, the second he was buckled in the carseat to drive away, he was his old self again.He was even able to express his need to 'be alone' some, too.
.:*:Lisa:*:.
Meredith <meredith@...> wrote:
--- In [email protected], Sylvia Toyama
<sylgt04@...> wrote:
> As a child, I found refuge in the word shy -- once people heardthat I was shy, they pretty much left me to myself, especially when
my younger sister became 'the outgoing one' in our home.
***********************
Wow, that would have been so nice.... For my mom, and too many
others, shy seems to mean "needs to be drawn out". Exactly the last
thing I needed!
I've seen both reactions to Mo. Some people say "oh, she's shy" and
back off, while others will try to get right up in her face. I've
used variations on the "slow to warm up" line, mostly successfully,
as a way to get people to back off. Twice I've actually had to tell
an adult to back off - well, I've said "that really isn't helpful"
while putting my whole body between the adult and Mo.
Actually we were at a party yesterday and I got to see a twist on
this issue - this is the group of friends who have gotten used to
seeing Mo be friendly and social, so people were saying "hi" and
approaching her in a friendly way, but she hadn't seen most of them
in more than a month, so she was wanting to take some time and
observe all over again. I think part of the issue, in this
particular case, is she was the only kid at the party at that point,
so *everyone* seemed to know her name and want to say hi, but she
had over thirty faces and names to remember. So I spent the first
hour at the party having Mo hide behind me while everyone wanted to
know "what's wrong?"
In a different environment I might have been able to sit with her
somewhere we could watch the whole group at once for awhile - from
past experience I know that helps *alot*, but the layout of the
house and yards didn't make that feasible. And eventually she was
able to talk to some people and blow raspberries at others and have
a good time.
---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)
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adrian neacsu
> We always left open the possibilityYeah, there might be a trap there, with "putting children into roles"; it kind of traps them in that role... I just read that in the book Siblings without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
> of change, not declaring the child "shy" but deflecting questioners with a
> simple "oh s/he doesn't like talking to strangers now."
> A "shy" 4 year old might be a reserved adult, or they might not. They should
> be supported in whatever way they grow.
Claudia, mom to Eliza(03/03/06) and due in Dec in the next one
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wisdomalways5
--- In [email protected], "Darcy Zloczewski"
<mrsz16@...> wrote:
is not just make believe but REAL and real things happen. Also I think
that kids go through shy and outgoing phases, sort of attachment and
detachment stuff that instead of pushing them away we should hold them
close until they are ready.
Has something specific scared him? A movie? a poster? a discussion? Is
he able to talk about things like that?
I would just let him hang on to you until he is ready to let go. He
needs you to protect him from whatever it is that is scaring him. If
you suddenly were like him would you want people pushing you into
situations that were so obviously painful? Would your husband like to
be forced into doing something he was scared of.
<mrsz16@...> wrote:
>I would say in the last several months, he has grown
> painfully shy/reserved. He chews his thumb, opens his mouth as if toMaybe it is a developmental thing where he is realizing that the world
> yawn (but doesn't), walks behind me, etc. when approached by someone
> he doesn't know.
is not just make believe but REAL and real things happen. Also I think
that kids go through shy and outgoing phases, sort of attachment and
detachment stuff that instead of pushing them away we should hold them
close until they are ready.
Has something specific scared him? A movie? a poster? a discussion? Is
he able to talk about things like that?
I would just let him hang on to you until he is ready to let go. He
needs you to protect him from whatever it is that is scaring him. If
you suddenly were like him would you want people pushing you into
situations that were so obviously painful? Would your husband like to
be forced into doing something he was scared of.