Chris

We're new to homeschooling and even newer to uschooling so sometimes
I come up against situations where I really can't think on my feet
and figure out what the unschooling approach would be. Here are 2
specific examples. I'd appreciate responses--I'm hoping that some
insight into different ways to approach a few of my own real-life
situations will move me along in my day-to-day understanding.

#1--driving in the car on a short trip to do go to an appointment
for 1 child. Both kids in the car. They're being silly in the back
which is fine but at some point it they usually start screaming--
sometimes it's just play and sometimes it's conflict between the 2.
Today it was play. But I find it startling and distracting for them
to actually scream. I asked them to stop b/c it was hard for me to
drive safely when they were screaming. But it kept on and on. I
tried stopping and letting them "get their screams out" but it
didn't help and finally I just got mad and yelled. Not proud.

#2--sometimes we have to go somewhere and I have no options about
taking the kids. Sometimes my older child (age 7) will get super mad
about going, will "refuse" to go, and will yell at me. I try to make
sure he/they have things to do in the car and while we're gone, give
them choices about what to take along, and to give them a choice of
something fun to do afterwards. But sometimes he just has to come
along. Any ideas for making this situation less painful for us all?

Thanks,

Chris

Fetteroll

On May 20, 2007, at 8:40 PM, Chris wrote:

> But I find it startling and distracting for them
> to actually scream. I asked them to stop b/c it was hard for me to
> drive safely when they were screaming.

Others will come along with suggestions on what to do in the moment,
but three things over all will help you think about problems in a
new way.

1) Expectations. This is probably the biggest source of frustration
with kids. We expect a certain behavior from them and become
frustrated when they behave differently. It will help a lot to
*expect* them to scream while they play. I suspect you're clinging to
the expectation of quiet and when they start screaming it feels like
your expectation is beyond your ability to control because you can't
make them do what you want them to.

2) Be proactive rather than reactive. What ways can you help them not
need to scream? Run around the backyard before they get in the car?
Making sure they're well fed?

3) There are always other options.

That sounds simplistic, but once you get away from the conventional
parenting methods of making kids do things the way we've decided they
need done, those are foundational building blocks to thinking and
looking at the decisions we make differently.

> sometimes we have to go somewhere and I have no options about
> taking the kids. Sometimes my older child (age 7) will get super mad
> about going, will "refuse" to go, and will yell at me.

Even in an emergency there are options though it might be a challenge
for most of us, even those of us who have been doing it a long time,
to think of them. But when kids are filled with the confidence that
we have always put in effort not to impose on them, they are more
willing to go along. When people are filled to the brim with loving
consideration, they are willing to be generous with their time with
others.

The reason people fight what feels like a reasonable request is
because they feel that they need to fight to get what they need.
*You* may not feel your son is right in those feelings but he isn't
going to react to your feelings ;-) He's going to react to *his*
perception of the world. Trust him. If he feels he's being dragged
about too much, then he *is* being dragged about too much. From his
point of view he needs to fight to get what he wants. Change that
perception and you'll change his reaction.

(Though some kids *do* have difficulties with transitions. If your
son is one, plenty of people on the list will have ideas on making
transitions smoother.)

There are always options. Often we can't think of them. (Though it
gets easier.) Too often it's inconvenient to think of other options
so we close our mind to anything other than what's easiest for us.
It's *much* easier to pack kids into the car to go to the grocery
store than it is to make arrangements to go alone. It feels like
we're giving up our time to do things we "have to" do, so the kids
should do. Which is another roadblock in thinking creatively. There
isn't anything we have to do. *Everything* is a choice. We don't even
have to stay with our kids. We *could* choose to leave. Not liking
the consequences of the other options is not the same as not having
options. It's hugely freeing when we realize that everything we do is
what we've chosen to do.

There is a lot of discussion about "have to" as well as discussion of
typical parenting questions at:

http://www.joyfullyrejoycing.com/

The parenting stuff is on the right and learning is on the left.

Joyce

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Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Chris" <chris1962@...>
wrote:
>> Today it was play. But I find it startling and distracting for
them
> to actually scream.

Can you roll the windows down? I've found that helpful. Can you
encourage them to roar like lions rather than screech like banshees?
Those are much easier sounds to hear, even at volume.

> #2--sometimes we have to go somewhere and I have no options about
> taking the kids. Sometimes my older child (age 7) will get super
mad
> about going, will "refuse" to go, and will yell at me.

What is the lead-up to this like? Are you making sure he has plenty
of warning and that he's not in the middle of something when you're
trying to leave? That includes the middle of a tv show!! I try to
plan to leave after a show ends, even if that means leaving half an
hour earlier. That's something Mo and I talk about, too - oh, look,
there are three episodes of Spongebob coming up, and I want to go
after the first one. That may make it tough to leave, how do we want
to handle that? Sometimes she's okay watching just one episode,
other times she'll actually suggest turning the tv off sooner so she
doesn't get sucked in and not want to leave.

Something else I find helpful with Mo is to include her in the
getting-ready-to-go process by means of a list. Being involved in
the process helps her not *get* in the middle of something. She
loves lists, loves to be able to see how many things are left to do
(I put everything on the list, too, like "go pee" and "find keys")
and she loves being the one to cross things off. Otherwise the
process of getting out the door can seem overwhelming to her.

Recently Mo hasn't been wanting to go to the big park in Nashville
at all, which is challenging bc that's where the skatepark is - and
Ray likes to skate. So I've been looking into alternatives so that
she doesn't have to come along - either someone else taking Ray or
someone else hanging out with Mo. Interestingly, since I've been
doing that, on the occasions where I can't come up with another
option (or the option falls through) she's been much more
accomodating about *having* to go along and has good suggestions for
ways she can be okay with the situation.

> and to give them a choice of
> something fun to do afterwards.

This takes a little advance planning in terms of time, but what
about doing something fun *before* - maybe not big fun like going to
the park, but little fun like a stop at a store or a drive-thru to
pick up a toy? That's often one of Mo's suggestions. A brand-new toy
to explore - even a cheap one that's only going to last the
afternoon - can take the blahs out of a dull trip to town. That
still leaves *after* as an option, too.

Oh! (I keep thinking of things) its also good to look at what the
day after is like for these outings that he's refusing. One of the
reasons Mo doesn't like going to the Nashville park is that we end
up being gone most of the day, and she's an introvert, so the next
day she spends a whole lot of time de-compressing. So from her
perspective, going to the park is a two-day trip. If she has a lot
of projects going on at home, that's a real bummer. This wasn't an
issue when she was younger bc she had less of a conception of time -
its only since she has started to understand the whole today-
tommorrow-yesterday thing that she hasn't wanted to go to the big
park.

---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)

CHRIS CHANDLER

Thank you, Joyce and Meredith, for your replies. Very helpful. Taking a new look at expectations is a great recommendation and one I've been spending lots of time thinking about. Also, thanks for the reminder of your website Joyce. Helpful to roam there again.

I'm so grateful to all the discussions on this list. It's invaluable to have such guides on this journey!

Chris


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