sfenom11

I am interested in hearing other peoples stories about their switch
from working mom to stay at home/homeschooling/unschooling mom with
an older child.
I am having a hard time adjusting to this change. We took my ds (11)
out of school in September and started "light" homeschooling in
October. That didn't go over well, so we decided to continue de-
schooling and that lead into unschooling. My son spends the majority
of his time playing computer or video games, watching TV, and
playing Warhammer-type battles. Overall I would say he's fairly
happy with what he's doing. I try to connect by watching what he's
doing on the computer, asking questions, sitting with him while he
watches TV, suggest possible things to do (go to the park,
swimming...), most of which he refuses, and battle with him when he
wants to play Warhammer. All of this seems so very passive though.
At the end of every day I feel like I haven't accomplished anything.
When I was at work I was able to interact with others and I felt
that I accomplished something concrete every day. My dh works long
hours, so it's mostly my ds & I hanging out at home. Ds doesn't want
to leave the house very often. So...
1. How did you deal with making the change from working mom to stay
at home mom? How did you develop other interests when your child
mostly wants to stay home?
2. How did you connect with your child when he's doing stuff that he
really only wants an audience for, not an active participant or is
playing computer/ video games or just watching TV?
3. How do you start to expand his world when he doesn't want to
leave the house?
4. Is this just a phase that is common for kids who have had a rough
time at school when they first start unschooling?
Any thoughts, ideas or stories would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Arlene

trektheory

I'm going to respond, even though I didn't make the transition from
working mom to sahm, even though we don't unschool (I consider us
relaxed hsers, though), even though my ds didn't have a rough school
experience.

We did start homeschooling when he was 10.5, though, so later in the
game than a lot of people. I do remember thinking, "OMG! I only have
7 years!" Now, of course, I go into panic mode, thinking, "I only
have a bit over 2 years!" Seven years sounds so gloriously long, now!

But if your son had a rough time in school, he may have a conditioned
reaction to anything seeming schooly. So your trick will be to think
outside the box, or in the case of tv, within the box. TV CAN be
educational, even stuff that seems more entertaining. Animal planet,
perhaps, or even history channel. How about things like Dirty Jobs,
Mythbusters?

Computer games can be an avenue, too. My son used to play Battlefield
1942, then after a while, asked if we could study WWII. So, I went to
the library, took out WWII for Dummies (or was it Idiot's guide...)
and we studied WWII. (I actually read aloud to him, and we discussed
the stuff. At the time, we were watching reruns of the later part of
the Star Trek: Deep Space 9 series, and saw a lot of parallels.) At
one point, he got very animated, and said (about the battle of
Stalingrad) "That's exactly how it plays out in the game!"

What interests does he have, did he have before, or what things do you
think he might find interesting. One idea is to "seed" the house with
books you get at the library, and see what he picks up. Also consider
magazines. Some kids prefer the idea of more bite-sized articles to
full books. Find other homeschoolers in your area and connect with
them -- the kids he hangs out with may spur on some other interests,
too. Again, it may not look like what we had as school, but if he has
that toxic reaction still, that may be to the good. If he finds
something interesting enough, he may delve deeper for his own fun.

My son taught himself a number of polymer clay techniques from library
books when he was in that phase. (Probably around 11ish, come to
think of it.) He made some pretty cool stuff. He's since moved on,
but I still play with it, and occasionally he does, just not often.
He is more into creating computer games, or playing computer games (he
does both - his big addiction is Runescape.) He currently says he
wants to be a computer game programmer (not designer, per se) so is
working some to develop those skills.

You might consider having some playdates or other activities at your
house if he currently is interested in hanging out at home. But if he
is withdrawing from all social contact, then I think you need to
discuss with him that it is unhealthy for him to do that. Not that he
needs to be on the go all the time, but that when there is a
reasonable opportunity to get out and meet people, or play with
friends he currently knows, he needs to take it. (Is it more that he
isn't interested in making new friends? Some kids have a hard time
with that, and it may take more work on your part to help him learn
the skills he needs to develop that. Shyness is NOT an excuse for
being a recluse. I used to be painfully, horribly shy, but worked
hard at overcoming it. Still lurks inside me, but I do get out and
about.)

What interests do YOU want to develop? Sometimes, while you are
focusing in and learning interesting new things, your child may come
along and want to know what you are doing. If it piques his interest
enough, he may join you. That's a plus.

Try to figure out why he doesn't want to expand his horizons right
now. That may be more helpful in figuring out what to do than
anything else I've said. If you get some feedback from him, and still
are at a loss, come back with more details! BTW, I do find that
picking a good time and discussing your concerns with your child - and
asking for suggestions - can sometimes yield surprising results. They
may have ideas you hadn't thought of. Or not -- it's a crap shoot!

Linda

--- In [email protected], "sfenom11" <sfenom11@...> wrote:
>
> I am interested in hearing other peoples stories about their switch
> from working mom to stay at home/homeschooling/unschooling mom with
> an older child.
> I am having a hard time adjusting to this change. We took my ds (11)
> out of school in September and started "light" homeschooling in
> October. That didn't go over well, so we decided to continue de-
> schooling and that lead into unschooling. My son spends the majority
> of his time playing computer or video games, watching TV, and
> playing Warhammer-type battles. Overall I would say he's fairly
> happy with what he's doing. I try to connect by watching what he's
> doing on the computer, asking questions, sitting with him while he
> watches TV, suggest possible things to do (go to the park,
> swimming...), most of which he refuses, and battle with him when he
> wants to play Warhammer. All of this seems so very passive though.
> At the end of every day I feel like I haven't accomplished anything.
> When I was at work I was able to interact with others and I felt
> that I accomplished something concrete every day. My dh works long
> hours, so it's mostly my ds & I hanging out at home. Ds doesn't want
> to leave the house very often. So...
> 1. How did you deal with making the change from working mom to stay
> at home mom? How did you develop other interests when your child
> mostly wants to stay home?
> 2. How did you connect with your child when he's doing stuff that he
> really only wants an audience for, not an active participant or is
> playing computer/ video games or just watching TV?
> 3. How do you start to expand his world when he doesn't want to
> leave the house?
> 4. Is this just a phase that is common for kids who have had a rough
> time at school when they first start unschooling?
> Any thoughts, ideas or stories would be appreciated.
> Thanks,
> Arlene
>

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: sfenom11@...

1. How did you deal with making the change from working mom to stay
at home mom? How did you develop other interests when your child
mostly wants to stay home?

-=-=-=-=-

Well, I didn't give it up totally. I still work from home very
occasionally for a few extra bucks each week.

As far as deveoping other interests---well, what are you DOing all day?
Do you need to go OUT to do new things? I took up gardening,
bee-keeping, fencing (as in touche---not building them---although I did
that too! <g>). I write almost every day. I started the unschooling
conference and this list as well as a local list and accountability
association. We've raised rats and rabbits. We're looking at getting
chickens. We've raised guide dog pups. I joined Toastmasters. I painted
every room in the house. Really the only two of those things that
require I GO OUT are the fencing and Toastmasters, both of which have
taken a backseat lately as I've been too busy at home.

I know I'm a bit more hyper than most <g>, but I can't imagine sitting
around waiting for my kids to want to do something. What kind of
example would that be? They need to see me doing new things. Maybe one
of the things I do will inspire them to do something new.

-=-=-=-=-=-

2. How did you connect with your child when he's doing stuff that he
really only wants an audience for, not an active participant or is
playing computer/ video games or just watching TV?

-=-=-=-=-

Brush his hair while I watch. Rub his shoulders or feet. Bring him
snacks.

I don't get into the gaming. I watch when he asks, but generally that's
when we each have alone time. I'm in the garden.

TV we wtached together often. I get tired of the cartoons, but I like
to watch The Most Extreme and other Animal Planet things with him.
He'll watch the History Channel with me. Recently, he's really gotten
into the Greeks because of his new game, Gods of War II. That led us to
The Spartans on the History Channel---and the new movie The 300 (but he
doesn't think he wants to see it---too gory). Lots of mythology talk
lately. But I love all things Greek and Roman! <g>

-=-=-=-=-

3. How do you start to expand his world when he doesn't want to
leave the house?

-=-=-=-=-

Bring things home. New games. New food. New movies. New people.

-=-=-=-=-=-

4. Is this just a phase that is common for kids who have had a rough
time at school when they first start unschooling?

-=-=-=-

Yes.

It really is! Cameron had almost 18 months of doing nothing except
sleep, talk on the phone, watch tv, IM on the computer, and eat.
Seriously. It was horrible. It felt as if it would never end. It did.
<g>

We pulled him out at the end of 6th grade. He was just 13.

He was healing. It was necessary for him to feel whole again. Now, at
19, he's so busy, we hardly see him.

DO for yourself. Ask him to join you. Be OK with no for an answer. Keep
asking. Keep doing. Be interested in what he's doing. Be interesting
with that you do. (Don't be a lump!)

~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org


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The Jeffrees

Hey Arlene,

I am an unschooling Mum to two, 9 and 7 years old. My son went to school for 4 years before we started homeschooling, leading to unschooling.
1. How did you deal with making the change from working mom to stay
at home mom? How did you develop other interests when your child
mostly wants to stay home?

Did you mean develop other interests for you or for your son? If you meant for your son I think you just ahve to let it flow and eventually he will find interest in other areas. You've already seen his interest develop from a game to history. You want him to be ineterested in things other than computer games? I believe that will come naturally too, the greater part of last year all my son wanted to do was play computer/playstation games or watch tv. If you meant to develop more interests for yourself take up a hobby; there are many things that you can do at home or with ocassional outings, collecting (ebay), scrapbooking, sewing, etc. You may find that something you show an interest in piques your son's interest also. If you are looking for something in which you can make a visible achievement each day you could undertake a course of study via correspondence; there are many interest based rather than skill based courses available.

3. How do you start to expand his world when he doesn't want to
leave the house?

As I said above; you've already seen his world expand from a game to history, the same game might next lead him to story telling, physics, social relationships, justice, etc.


4. Is this just a phase that is common for kids who have had a rough
time at school when they first start unschooling?

Not just a rough time; I believe it's common for any child who has been in school, my son loved school until I said he didn't have to go._,_._,___



Kindest Wihses,
Anita

-xxx-


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "sfenom11" <sfenom11@...>
wrote:
>> 3. How do you start to expand his world when he doesn't want to
> leave the house?

Is it that he doesn't want to go anywhere or that you haven't found
anything to offer that sounds fun to him? My stepson goes to the
skatepark and that's about it. He's been deschooling since Nov. A
big part of that is that soooooo many other things still
scream "Educational Experience! Resist!" in his mind. He needs time
to heal.

Another thing I'm seeing with my stepson is that with the exception
of his girlfriend, who he met at camp last summer, all his school
friends were friends of necessity - they aren't people he *really*
wants to spend time with now that he has a choice about how to spend
his time. He's slowly starting to get to know people at the
skatepark and online - people he can connect with via shared
interests. That takes time though. Think about it this way: how many
new friends (not acquantances) have you made in the past year?

Does your ds have any philosophical issues he's working on? That's
something that occupies a big space in Ray's life right now, but
he's a couple years older than your guy. Some teens go through a
really intense period of engagement with big, deep, powerful ideas
and need to be supported through that. It can be a time of profound
personal growth, but it can also be a time of drawing away from
other people, especially if no-one else seems to be on the same
page. If you ds is doing this kind of thinking right now, "getting
him out of the house" may only frustrate him more.

> 1. How did you deal with making the change from working mom to
stay
> at home mom?

Well, I did this when my dd was less than a year old, so not all of
my experiences will apply. One thing that really helped *me* though,
was to stop thinking "stay at home mom" and start thinking "full
time professional mom". That made it easier for me to focus a
certain amount of my energy on learning better parenting skills,
observing my kid more closely, taking my child's needs more
seriously in the moment.

> How did you develop other interests when your child
> mostly wants to stay home?

What sorts of things interest you *now*? Can you create a home-study
course for yourself? Take a class or join a club that meets one
night a week? Get brave and try something that facinates you but
you're afraid you have no apptitude for?

In the past few years I've: taken an online course in education,
learned to juggle, started knitting, taken a wine-tasting class
(loved the homework!), learned to identify a few birds, dabbled with
piano playing, discovered auctions, started learning about fire poi,
built some fences and stone walls, played with oragami, and dabbled
with astronomy. I've also expanded some older interests, like sewing
and gardening.

I'm not necessarily *good* at all those things. I still have a
fairly narrow interest in wines, for example, but I know what I like
a lot more clearly. And I'm not the world's best juggler by any
stretch of the imagination, but I enjoy it and its good exercise.

> 4. Is this just a phase that is common for kids who have had a
rough
> time at school when they first start unschooling?

You mean the phase where mom freaks out because the kid isn't doing
what she imagines he should be doing? <bwg> yeah, that's a really
normal phase to go through. Don't worry, you'll be fine ;)

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

sfenom11

Linda, Kelly, Anita and Meredith:
Thanks for giving me your ideas as well as your experiences!

I think that you're right and ds is healing right now and that's why
he isn't overly interested in socializing with others. I'll give him
the time he needs and trust that he'll turn out OK.:-} In the
meantime I'll try getting books from the library that may interest
him and introduce him to other new things that he may enjoy.

As for me, I'll start doing things and see if he would like to help
out. I think that I'm going through a bit of culture shock – I've
always rushed around working, taking care of the house and the
family and now I'm looking at quitting my job (I'm currently on a
leave of absence) to stay home and I don't know what to do with
myself. Most of it is probably my expectations, that things are
unresolved at work, and that I'm feeling guilty because now I'm
dependant on my spouse and I don't feel like I'm really doing
anything productive other than watching my son and trying to connect
with him on his terms. Anyway, I'll take your advice and try and
find things that interest me and we'll go from there…
Thanks again for all your ideas,
Arlene
(who's now taking down the wallpaper in the bedroom, then planning
on looking into polymer clay techniques at the library and then
seeing what fire poi is...)