kristenhendricks55

Hypothetically...

Lets say you are with your kids at your friends house and your child
asks you if he can (for example) have some candy.

Your friends kids havent had dinner yet and you know she won't allow
them any candy. And you know if you give your child candy, there
will be a meltdown with the other kids. (Obviously this friend
doesnt unschool and doesn't follow the same daily lifestyle as you
do).

Do you allow your child the candy because thats what you would
normally do and just deal with the meltdown, or do you say no and
let them play like they were before he/she asked?

Sometimes I think its harder around friends and in public to go
about your day like you would at home. I can only surround myself
with so many people who think the way I do (which are few and far
between) and I have many friends who follow a routine, and rules,
and bedtime... the works.

Which decision is right? Follow your "rules" of having "no rules" or
say "no" just to avoid a potention blow-up?

[email protected]

This all depends on so many factors for me. How old is your child and will she/he have a meltdown if denied because she/he expects the answer to be yes as it usually would. Is the child old enough to understand if you explained maybe later because so and so isn't allowed candy?

Even if you would at home, the answer can still be no. Children of all ages need to learn that the rules are different at different places. Like volume at the library, or running at the grocery store. So if the issue was candy, I would probably say not now but later. If it an issue that really would really rub me the wrong way, I would probably allow it. Say the children are watching an interactive program on tv and the other family is only allowed to sit quietly and watch, even if the program asks the children to respond. I wouldn't deny my child the right of expression (which seems appropriate in this case) just because this family does thing differently.

Mindy


-----Original Message-----
From: kristenhendricks55@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sat, 6 Jan 2007 9:34 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] question...


Hypothetically...

Lets say you are with your kids at your friends house and your child
asks you if he can (for example) have some candy.

Your friends kids havent had dinner yet and you know she won't allow
them any candy. And you know if you give your child candy, there
will be a meltdown with the other kids. (Obviously this friend
doesnt unschool and doesn't follow the same daily lifestyle as you
do).

Do you allow your child the candy because thats what you would
normally do and just deal with the meltdown, or do you say no and
let them play like they were before he/she asked?

Sometimes I think its harder around friends and in public to go
about your day like you would at home. I can only surround myself
with so many people who think the way I do (which are few and far
between) and I have many friends who follow a routine, and rules,
and bedtime... the works.

Which decision is right? Follow your "rules" of having "no rules" or
say "no" just to avoid a potention blow-up?



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

alisonslp

I'm new to this but I have come across similar instances with
homeschooling in general and other family/religious differences. I try
to prepare my children in advance. For example, we have open
discussions about our family choices and how many other families don't
follow these choices. Just as we want our choices to be respected, we
have to respect theirs as well. So sometimes we do not discuss certain
topics or do certain things if we know that others would feel
uncomfortable. (I am not talking about rolling over to make strangers
feel comfortable - I mean family and friends with whom we want to
continue having a good relationship).

In situations like the candy, I would just tell them not now, but a
little later when we got home. My guess is that they would ask why,
but in a situation like this, a stern eye, would give them the hint
that this is not the time for discussing it. I don't give the stern
eye often and so when I do, they know this is not open for discussion
at this time. Later, I would sit them down and discuss the situation
with them.

Another thing you can do, if you think your child would take this is
to offer another option, like a small snack that your friend would be
ok to give to her child as well.

alison

Sylvia Toyama

Hypothetically. ..

Lets say you are with your kids at your friends house and your child
asks you if he can (for example) have some candy.

Your friends kids havent had dinner yet and you know she won't allow
them any candy. And you know if you give your child candy, there
will be a meltdown with the other kids. (Obviously this friend
doesnt unschool and doesn't follow the same daily lifestyle as you
do).

Do you allow your child the candy because thats what you would
normally do and just deal with the meltdown, or do you say no and
let them play like they were before he/she asked?

****
I don't do hypotheticals -- luckily I've had this kind of situation come up before. I was a LaLeche Leader for a couple years, so I have friends who do limit sweets, control food, etc.

My solution is pro-active, so none of those offerred by you fits. I just let my kids know before we go to that home that there are different food (and other) rules there, and it would naturally be kinder to the hosting family if we respect their expectations and limitations. My kids haven't ever refused to go along with that plan.

In my experience, the best way to avoid misunderstandings and miscues -- especially away from home -- is to give my kids as much info as possible before we go out the door. Another example of how unschooling requires more involvement, and not neglect.

Sylvia


Gary (dh)
Will (almost 22!) Andy (10-1/2) and Dan (almost 6)

Peace is the vibrant space which stimulates the dance of kindness, merriment and freedom. ~ unknown




http://ourhapahome.blogspot.com








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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

> Lets say you are with your kids at your friends house and your child
> asks you if he can (for example) have some candy.

Besides the fact that hypotheticals don't work as well as real life
examples, you're thinking in terms of rules rather than principles:
either-or, say yes or say no.

Think in terms of principles. Kids may want candy but they also want
to be liked. They don't want to hurt others so it's up to us to help
them see the bigger picture and help them find solutions that aren't
hurtful of others.

It's helpful to see the best route is to think ahead. To plan in
order to avoid difficult situations. For example taking snacks when
you know you won't have easy access to food.

Obviously we can't plan for everything, but if we keep running into
the same situation and it ends up a battle, then it's our fault for
not preparing for something we know is a good possibility.

But if that scenario happened, I'd tell my daughter we need to ask
since the candy doesn't belong to us. (Not making any assumptions
about what the mom would or wouldn't say since that's the huge
weakness in hypotheticals, that they're all made up with no
motivations behind them.) That's a concept even the youngest child
begins to grasp early.

If she were to say yes but my kids can't, then that's good
information to give to the child and point out that the other kids
would probably feel sad. Again, it's a weakness of hypotheticals that
we can't know the child and his reactions to tailor the dialog to
him. Most kids in that situation would get that it wouldn't be fair.
Then suggest a different snack, perhaps one that the other kids could
have too or one they wouldn't be troubled by.

Joyce

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plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "kristenhendricks55"
<kristenhendricks55@...> wrote:
>
> Hypothetically...
>
> Lets say you are with your kids at your friends house and your
child
> asks you if he can (for example) have some candy.

This is a situation we deal with pretty regularly in real life. One
of our solutions is to keep a stash of snacks in the car, including
candy, and if the weather is mild Mo goes out to the car for her
snack. That works most of the year - the car is "her territory" so
to speak, so she also uses it as a place to go if she needs privacy
while we are out.

When the weather is too cold we talk and try to come up with
alternatives *before* we arrive.

The other side of this is talking with the other parents. We hang
out with a very few other families, so we know what the rules and
expectations are at their homes, for the most part. If there is
a "house rules" situation that has the potential to create some
ongoing conflict I work to generate options with the other mom.
That's the sort of thing that needs to happen, anyway, with issues
like "sharing", bedtimes, language, and nudity as well as food.

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

Misty

--- In [email protected], Sylvia Toyama <sylgt04@...>
wrote:
>
> Hypothetically. ..
>
> Lets say you are with your kids at your friends house and your
child
> asks you if he can (for example) have some candy.
>
> Your friends kids havent had dinner yet and you know she won't
allow
> them any candy. And you know if you give your child candy, there
> will be a meltdown with the other kids. (Obviously this friend
> doesnt unschool and doesn't follow the same daily lifestyle as you
> do).
>
> Do you allow your child the candy because thats what you would
> normally do and just deal with the meltdown, or do you say no and
> let them play like they were before he/she asked?
>

This actually just happened to us last week here at our house. We
had a playdate with dd's friends all just turned 3, when Rachel
started to get hungry she said, let's have a snack, then asked for
Sundrops, her current snack of choice most the time. I told her I
wasn't sure if her friends were allowed to have that and she'd need
to talk to the other moms. (She also knows that one of the friends
isn't allowed to watch t.v. so she understands that he has different
rules than she does.) So she went and asked that child's mom if it
was okay for her child to have some Sundrops. Of course the mom
responded with a no, she then basically asked me if she could "sneak"
though she didn't have that word some sundrops. I think she said can
I eat some and just not let him see or something to that effect.
Anyway, I told her it would be okay to finisht he few she'd had in a
cup from earlier, but after that maybe we could find a snack that
everyone could eat. She finished off the 3 or 4 while the other kids
were all preoccupied and then we got a more acceptable snack for
everyone. Things worked out fine. However I will say that Rachel
has never been prone to tantrums or meltdowns so not sure if this
would go as well for someone else's child.

Misty