Deb Lewis

***I feel like she
isn't grateful for all she has and worry I'm raising a matrialistic
person. She told me she doen't get joy form giving, only
recieving. How do I turn this around?***


She's in need.

She's young and inexperienced and she's in emotional need. She doesn't know
how to fill the hole. When adults don't know what will help them feel
better they eat, or drink, or gamble, or do drugs. Some people shop and
spend money they shouldn't spend or worse, don't have.

What does she need?

When she's asking you for the costume she's asking for you to fill her need.

Buy her what she thinks she wants. Give as much, -no, give *more* -
consideration to the things she wants than you'd give to an item you want
for yourself. In conjunction with that fill her up, emotionally. Be with
her, play with her, be her best friend, listen to her, share with her, do
something everyday that's just about her and what she loves.

If you knew she was hungry, you'd feed her. If you knew she was cold, you'd
get her a blanket. You know she's in need, emotionally. Be present with
her all day.

But back to the costume...
Even if she never touches the item again that doesn't mean it wasn't
important to her. As in learning to walk or dress ourselves or read, we all
will learn the dynamics of wanting, getting what we want and feeling
fulfilled, *in our own time. *

I have items that I really love and cherish but rarely touch. Some are
tucked away in boxes and I don't know when I last looked at them but it
comforts me knowing they are there. It's not your place to define and
decide what your daughter really wants nor is it your place to assess it's
importance to her according to how often she touches it.

Much of your post was about *why* your daughter was wrong. You felt that
was important to share here. Your justification of not buying the costume
was First: she didn't *need* it - (which is not your call to make) and next:
you needed to use the money you had for other things.

Could the project stuff have been postponed in favor of the costume? Would
your daughter have preferred that? Who were the gloves and boots and hat
for? If they were for her mightn't she have had the choice to delay those
new items in favor of the costume? Christmas is two months away. Halloween
is here, now. From your daughters point of view it looked like you got
everything you wanted that day and she got shafted. Which person seems
materialistic in this scenario?

***(decisions are hard for her because of her anxiety disorder). ***

Decisions are hard for lots of people who don't have anxiety disorder.
Decisions might be hard for her because she doesn't want to face what you
will say about her decision. Or because she feels pressure from you,
subtle or overt, to make a different decision from the one she really wants
to make.

***I was thinking of allowance maybe. I don't know.***

If you have money to give an allowance then it seems you could have just
purchased the costume.

My son (usually) gets half my paycheck now that I'm working. I'm working to
pay vet expenses that our budget didn't easily absorb and for some little
extra money for Dylan. So when his dad gets paid we try to give him some of
that and when I get paid - with vet expenses as a consideration- he usually
gets half my check. (I work a few days a week, so we're not talking
thousands!<g>) If the vet bill is higher than half my check can cover, I
pay the bill and give Dylan the balance.

Because of this he has money to put into his savings account, money to spend
on books or music or movies or art supplies- that's mostly what he buys
these days - money to take his mom to an occasional movie. <g>

Before I was working we tried to give him at least fifty dollars a month.
That was based on the kinds of things he wanted to purchase. Video games,
books and cd's are more expensive than the things I used to want to buy when
I was a kid.

An allowance should be a reasonable amount, a "living wage" based on the
kinds of things the kid wants.

Deb Lewis

hanjkyla

***She's young and inexperienced and she's in emotional need. She
doesn't know
> how to fill the hole. When adults don't know what will help them
feel
> better they eat, or drink, or gamble, or do drugs. Some people
shop and
> spend money they shouldn't spend or worse, don't have.

>
> What does she need?
>
> When she's asking you for the costume she's asking for you to fill
her need.
>
> Buy her what she thinks she wants. Give as much, -no, give
*more* -
> consideration to the things she wants than you'd give to an item
you want
> for yourself.***

So, are you saying I should buy her stuff to fill her emotional
needs?

*** In conjunction with that fill her up, emotionally. Be with
> her, play with her, be her best friend, listen to her, share with
her, do
> something everyday that's just about her and what she loves.***

I do.

*** From your daughters point of view it looked like you got
> everything you wanted that day and she got shafted. Which person
seems
> materialistic in this scenario?***

I didn't get anything. We left the store with nothing. Not that
anything we were shopping for was for Me anyway. We were shopping
for supplys for my dh's bussiness, Christmas presents,
Hats/gloves/boots for my daughter, and a project that dd & I were
going to make togeather to give as a gift. That makes me
materialistic? I'm confused.


***Decisions might be hard for her because she doesn't want to face
what you
> will say about her decision. Or because she feels pressure from
you,
> subtle or overt, to make a different decision from the one she
really wants
> to make.***

Those are pretty big assumtions.

*** If you have money to give an allowance then it seems you could
have just
> purchased the costume.***

My dh & I talked about giving her $7 a week for an allowance. The
costume cost $30. You do the math.

> Deb Lewis

Thanks, Deb, for the helpful, kind advice.

laura g

i dont have to origional email to refer back to however there were a few
things i wanted to say.
I dont know if i would have bought the new costume or not. Given our
current (and not changing anytime soon) income i could not have bought it,
however, when i tell our kids we cant get something when we are shopping or
atleast not that day, i am not planning on buying ALOT of other stuff and
going out to lunch. Saying sorry we cant afford that today cause we have to
buy ALL this other stuff and go to lunch anywhere you want sounds like an
excuse (even if somewhat true) to a kid. Typically when we go out I let the
kids know exactly what we are going for. If they really like something we
talk about coming back next month or the next day or perhaps giving up
eating out or some other compremise. My kids are still young enough that a
trip to the dollar store helps fill the need something but i know that
doesnt work as they get older. That being said NOONE in our family gets to
just go to the store and buy something very often cause we trully cant
afford it. It we want something my dh and I talk about it , where it will
be bought, when etc. and that is true for almost all purchases including
books, movies, kitchen appliences, tools, etc... They have rarely seen us
just go in a store and buy something cause it looks interesting or fun cause
we trully cant afford it. That being said I think it is easier in someways
to accept, "not today" from us.
Sometimes just telling the child that yes, i understand you really want this
and yes it looks cool and then figuring out together away you could make it
or buy it the day after halloween or something helps. I also think
allowance helps ALOT.

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Deb Lewis

***So, are you saying I should buy her stuff to fill her emotional
needs? ***

Not exactly. If you deny her things she feels are important you'll be
making the hole bigger. It's not about the stuff. The stuff isn't the
issue. The issue is her need, but in denying the stuff you make the need
greater. When she feels emotionally fulfilled, and when she's had more
experience with getting what she needs, emotionally and materialistically,
she'll be able to see the difference. She won't feel the "need" for
*things* like she does now. But that takes time and can only be done on
*her* schedule.

That's why your personal attention and involvement is the other side of the
coin. Your involvement is more important than the stuff. Personal attention
from you is what she's really in need of.

***I do.***

It might not be enough. Sometimes it can feel like we're giving an giving
and it should be enough, but when another person has a need only they can
determine what the right amount of personal time and attention is enough.
Your daughter might need more than your giving. She won't get filled up,
emotionally, if her needs aren't being met. Spend more time with her.

***Those are pretty big assumtions. ***

"Trouble making decisions" is an assumption too. "Trouble because of an
anxiety disorder" is an assumption. Lots and lots of people are not easy
making decisions. But with kids especially, the more opportunity they have
to make decisions that receive the support of a parent the more comfortable
they get and the more they come to trust their own judgment. There are
adults who struggle making decisions. It's not fair to expect a little
girl, who has much less experience making decisions, to have mastered it.

***My dh & I talked about giving her $7 a week for an allowance. The
costume cost $30. You do the math.***

Seven dollars a week won't help her get a costume she wants by Halloween.
How much do you spend a week on the things you want?
Thirty dollars is a pretty expensive costume but I bet she could have
enjoyed it a hundred times that amount if she'd received it joyfully and if
you'd been enthusiastic for and with her. You could have made the
allowance retroactive, back five weeks, then she could have gotten the
costume. She could have taken a draw on the next five weeks. She could
have paid you back from her allowance over a few months. Lots of
possibilities.

If your child already has anxiety issues you must know that a visit to a
doctor or therapist will cost you more than thirty dollars.

***Thanks, Deb, for the helpful, kind advice.***

It would be worth it, for your daughters sake, to just be objective and look
at the things *you* have control over and see where you might make a
different choice next time. If I had said , "yeah, she's selfish and
materialistic" would you have thought that was helpful and kind? I was
thinking of your daughter, and what it must feel like to be little, and
needy, and have your mom thinking badly of you on top of all that.

Deb Lewis

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: kyleac@...

So, are you saying I should buy her stuff to fill her emotional
needs?

-=-=-=-=-

Somewhat. She probably needs more of your *time* and is filling that
need with stuff.

-=-=-=-

*** From your daughters point of view it looked like you got
everything you wanted that day and she got shafted. Which person
seems materialistic in this scenario?***

I didn't get anything. We left the store with nothing. Not that
anything we were shopping for was for Me anyway. We were shopping
for supplys for my dh's bussiness, Christmas presents,
Hats/gloves/boots for my daughter, and a project that dd & I were
going to make togeather to give as a gift. That makes me
materialistic? I'm confused.

-=-=-=-=-=-

But you went with the intent on buying LOTS of stuff.

When adults buy stuff---seriously, even laundry detergent and toilet
paper---it's ADULT STUFF. Kid stuff always comes in second and only IF
the adult is generous enough to give TO the child. A child will watch
her parent spend $120 on groceries, but refuse to get her that $4 book.
From a child's PoV that just doesn't seem fair.

So you left without buying anything, but your intent was to buy
Christmas presents, winter clothes, office supplies, and project
materials. Couple of hundred bucks? For *you* (we're looking at this
from the CHILD's Point of view, remember!) So why would a $30 costume
seem so out of line? She already had a costume, I understand---but
don't you have plenty of office supplies, and project stuff and winter
clothes? From HER PoV?? What's just ONE more costume?

-=-=-=-=-


***Decisions might be hard for her because she doesn't want to face
what you will say about her decision. Or because she feels pressure
from
you, subtle or overt, to make a different decision from the one she
really wants to make.***

Those are pretty big assumtions.

-=-=-=-=-

Maybe, but we're only going on what you write. Plus, Deb's pretty
astute! <g>

You also wrote that she wrote "I hate you" on her pants. If she's not
comfortable saying that aloud, she may have issues facing you with
other things.

-=-=-=-=-

*** If you have money to give an allowance then it seems you could
have just purchased the costume.***

My dh & I talked about giving her $7 a week for an allowance. The
costume cost $30. You do the math.

-=-=-=-==-=-

$7 x 4 would almost cover it! A month's allowance? Could she have
gotten an advance?

But if you can afford $28/month, couldn't you also afford to buy the
costume?


-=-=-=-

> Deb Lewis

Thanks, Deb, for the helpful, kind advice.

-=-=-=-

There is no one on this planet more helpful and kind than Deb Lewis.
I'm assuming you meant this literally and not in some snarky way.

Deb reads through bullshit really well and gives some of the most
insightful advice available daily to people struggling to be nicer to
their kids. Please take what she suggests to heart and listen to what
your child is saying withOUT her words. Your daughter is communicating.
You need to learn her language.

~Kelly

"Wisdom begins with Wonder." ~Socrates



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