hanjkyla

Hi. I'm new to homeschooling. I have a 8yr old dd who we just
pulled from 3rd grade PS. We also have an 11yr old DS who wants to
stay in PS. I didn't choose unschooling because it is what I wanted
to do. Our dd has Selective Mutism, an anxiety disorder. She was
having a really bad year and being mis-treated at school. She came
home with bruises. So we decided to homeschool to protect her. She
chose unschooling because PS was such a horrible experience for her
that if you put anything in front of her that even slightly
resembles PS work she just shuts down. I know this is what she
needs.

She's been home two weeks now and mostly its been good. Yesterday
though was a bad day. My dh runs his own business and needed some
supplys. I wanted to start Christmas shopping. I was bored. My
sister invited us to go shopping with her. I asked dd if she wanted
to do that, saying we could look for some supplys for a project we
were planning togeather. She said yes. We get to the store to get
dh's supplies and dd asked for a new halloween costume. I said no
because I'd already bought her a new costume this yr that she picked
out and wore at the "halloween camping weekend" we went to in Sept.
In Sept I told her I didn't want to spend $ on a pre-made costume
because they are expensive but so cheaply made. She came up with a
costume idea to make but when we got to the store she changed her
mind about it and asked for a pre-made costume. I said ok. She
took forever to decide on one because she kept changing her mind
(decisions are hard for her because of her anxiety disorder). She
ended up loving what she got and wore it a lot. So back to
yesterday....I said no I wasn't buying her a second one. I told her
we didn't have money for that because we needed to get gloves,
boots, & hats, our project & Christmas presents. She was angry with
me and then refuse to walk with us through the store. I tried
cheering her up and my sister did too. I tried explaining to her
and telling her lets just get his boring stuff done & then we'll get
lunch, you can pick where, and we'll look for our fun stuff for the
project, ect, ect. She wouldn't budge or talk. So I left our cart
and took her to the car. She wrote I hate you on her pants.

I feel like she thinks things will make her happy but they don't.
She asks me to buy her something every time we go to the store but
the majority of the time she doesn't touch it again when we get
home. (the costume from sept was an exception). I feel like she
isn't grateful for all she has and worry I'm raising a matrialistic
person. She told me she doen't get joy form giving, only
recieving. How do I turn this around?

I was thinking of allowance maybe. I don't know. My sister gives
her kids allowance but makes them do housework for it then dictates
how & when they spend it. I definately don't want to do that.

Ok. Take it easy on me. We are adjusting to this new life style
and I have a lot to learn. Thanks.

-S

Michelle Leifur Reid

On 10/28/06, hanjkyla <kyleac@...> wrote:

> I was thinking of allowance maybe. I don't know. My sister gives
> her kids allowance but makes them do housework for it then dictates
> how & when they spend it. I definately don't want to do that.
>


Perhaps having her own money would help with this as long as she knows
that she has control over that money. She's getting to that age where
she wants "cool stuff" and if she had the freedom to do that for
herself she might see things differently. I think that my oldest
child was about the same age as your daughter when she told me once
that she hated her siblings' birthdays because they got something and
she didn't. It wasn't fair that she had to wait until November every
year for her birthday when their birthdays were earlier in the year
and Daddy doesn't heve have to wait but 23 days each year for his
birthday. She couldn't see that everyone has to wait 365 days from
birthday to birthday. Now she delights in her siblings' birthdays and
enjoys planning their presents and surprises. She talks says things
like, "Oh Keon would LOVE this for his birthday" or "This would be so
cool to give Mary Elayne for Yule!"

One thing that I have to do with my son when we go out shopping is to
state what it is we are shopping for. That this is all we can get
today. It really lessens the "I wants" plus he has his own money and
if he truly wants something he knows he can buy it. He has the
control to get it if he really wants. I think it helps him with
decision making on spending. "Is this something that I would be
willing to spend my money on? If not then perhaps it isn't something
that mom would spend her money on either."

I think the more freedoms your daughter has the easier things will be
for her. BTW, I have a child who also has anxieties that are
portrayed by selective muteness. She's been known not to talk for
days. She's 11 now we have fewer and fewer days where this is an
issue. Sometimes she just can't express what is causing her
anxieities. Although knowing that mom can try to fix something if she
understands it has really helped. Building that trust took several
years. She feels her emotions physically. She had an incident a
while back and two days afterwards she told me, "I don't know how to
explain how I feel. It's like I'm being pushed in from two different
sides and being squished." I've learned to ask her how she feels
physically, not emotionally.

Peace!
Michelle

Melissa

Sounds like a lot of power struggling. I don't think she's wanting
stuff to be happy, she wanting you to buy it to see if you still
will. As well, she's still learning that stuff doesn't make her
happy, and if *you* are the one restricting it, then she perceives
you as the one bringing her unhappiness, not the item for not living
up to her expectations. And no, she probably isn't 'grateful' as you
want her to feel, because she's only eight.

Anyway, on the money issue, we do our big shopping once a week, and I
usually give my older kids enough to buy a soda, some candy and one
little thing. They can choose to spend it on whatever they want, or
not spend it at all. The younger ones don't get a $5 bill, but they
have the opportunity to pick stuff out. I figure $20 a week is
cheaper than our copay on counseling ;-) If we go to the store for a
little errand, I try to give them at least a quarter for the machine.
My kids are lucky, I think, in that they are very much involved in
the running of our home, so they know that our money is limited and
associated to certain bills and esp medical since we have so many
with disabilities. So they have lots of practice with me apologizing
sincerely and saying that I see that they really like such-n-so, but
it's not possible to get at this time.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose

share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma



On Oct 28, 2006, at 8:38 AM, hanjkyla wrote:

> I feel like she thinks things will make her happy but they don't.
> She asks me to buy her something every time we go to the store but
> the majority of the time she doesn't touch it again when we get
> home. (the costume from sept was an exception). I feel like she
> isn't grateful for all she has and worry I'm raising a matrialistic
> person. She told me she doen't get joy form giving, only
> recieving. How do I turn this around?



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joanne

Hello and welcome. :-)

The September topic for Unschooling Voices was on allowances. Click
on the link and scroll down. There may be something helpful to you
there.

http://www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html

>>>>Our dd has Selective Mutism, an anxiety disorder.>>>>

My middle daughter was diagnosed with SM while still in foster care
(before we adopted her). Taking her out of school was the best thing
you could have ever done for her. Good for you!

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: kyleac@...

I didn't choose unschooling because it is what I wanted
to do.

-=-=-=-

What did *you* want to do?

-=-=-==-

I was bored.

She said yes.

I said no

In Sept I told her I didn't want to spend $ on a pre-made costume
because they are expensive but so cheaply made.

she changed her mind about it and asked for a pre-made costume.

I said ok.

I said no

I wasn't buying her a second one.

I told her we didn't have money for that because we needed to get
gloves,
boots, & hats, our project & Christmas presents.

-=-=-=

I pulled these out in order but without all the extra stuff. Does it
look any different to you with out all the fluff?

-=-=-=-=-=-

She was angry with
me and then refuse to walk with us through the store.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

She was communicating.

-=-=-=-=-

She wrote I hate you on her pants.

-=-=-=-=-

She needed to tell you. AGain---communicating.

-=-==-=-=-

I feel like she thinks things will make her happy but they don't.

-=-=-=-

Have you asked her how she feels?

-=-==-=-

She asks me to buy her something every time we go to the store

-=-=-=-=-

That's what little kids DO!

Before we'd go (this is a used to be---mine are older. But when they
were---probably 3-8), I'd discuss with them what we *needed* to buy. I
would let them know whether had extra for something special for them.
Halloween costumes have *always* been a huge draw. Who can resist???
<g> Before we go, though, we'd discuss what was needed and what extras
we could handle.

If he saw a fun costume, we would try it on, look at the workmanship,
fantasize about next year, get ideas about what would go with what.
Make silly costum combinations---like a dress-up party on aisle 7! We'd
hang them all up and make plans for next year. With Cameron, I did this
weekly! <g> Party City and Walmart hated to see us walk in! <G>

=-=-=-==-

I feel like she isn't grateful for all she has and worry I'm raising a
matrialistic
person.

-=-=-==

Do *you* remember being eight? Were you grteful? Ask your mom. Did you
not want everything you saw?

-=-=-=-

She told me she doen't get joy form giving, only
recieving. How do I turn this around?

-=-=-=-

By giving her what she needs. By giving *others* what they need.
Modeling.

Time and patience help a LOT!

She's only eight. Do you expect this to be a life-long issue?

Well, you could *make* it a life-long issue. Many parents DO!

-=-=-=-=-

I was thinking of allowance maybe.

-=-=-=-

How much?

It needs to be enough that she can actually BUY something. Or save up
quickly enough that she doesn't have to wait six months to buy a Barbie.

~Kelly

"Wisdom begins with Wonder." ~Socrates
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