What Would You Do? (Concerning Relatives)
Julie v.
O.K. I have been having a major debate with myself over having my children around my
sister's children. If my sister didn't have children, I doubt I would even be around her
myself, as we have never gotten along (as kids) and still don't. IMO my sister is just plain
mean (o.k. she can be very nice sometimes), but the way she is I can see it is shaping her
children to be just like her. Her & her dh use all sorts of manipulative tactics with their
children (bribes, rewards, punishments, shame, guilt, humiliation,ect...). Some examples
of her meanness include:
- Her children have to finish their dinner before they can have dessert, well one time we all
went out to a restaurant and her oldest son (5 at the time), wasn't hungry (usually doesn't
eat much because he is a small boy), and as usual she kept threatening him with no
dessert. When we got back to my mom's house to have cake (it was somebody's birthday),
he wanted to look at the cake and she said "o.k. you better get a good look, cause your
not getting any", which sent him into a total meltdown, and she just laughs it off.
- She has this thing with feet and won't let any of her kids (or anyone else's kids for that
matter) get near her with their "stinky feet". One time her son hurt his foot and asked for
a kiss better on it and she said "I'm not going to kiss your stinky foot".
- One day we were talking on the phone and her kids were being made to clean their
rooms, I heard her 4 year old come and genuinly askf or her help in cleaning his room
and she said "no!, you made it messy, you have to clean it up".
- With her 2 year old, instead of picking up things she should be playing with, she (since
she was 1), puts her in time-out (in her crib or in the playpen) when she "doesn't stop
getting into things she shouldn't be into".
- Instead of be a role model for her children, she swears a lot in front of them and
badmouths people and then if they do it she threatens them and has even "washed their
mouths out with soap".
Sorry this is turning into a big rant about my sister, my question is this:
Her two sons (7 & 4) are to the point of actually starting to bully my son (4). They fight
and wrestle a lot together and my son has never liked it, he used to just leave when they
would start doing it and they always would try to include him, but now my son is starting
to fight back saying that "I am just defending myself". We never get together with just the
two families, the only time we get together is at my moms house with her initiating it. Her
sons will hit my son and then if my son hits or kicks back they come and tattle on him, so
lately i've tried to be there 100% of the time, so he doesn't get blamed for starting
something. It is just a big hassle everytime we are together with them that I dread it
soooo much. The thing is, is that my son says they are his friends and he wants to get
together with them, but they aren't nice to him at all. They will say "hey, let's all run away
from Damek, he stinks" and I can see the hurt look in my son's eyes when they do this.
Recently the older one started a game of, everytime my son would get near him he would
run away and say "help Damek is going to kill me", and my son was almost in tears saying
"I would never to do that" visibly upset, and all my sister's dh said was "hey, be nice" and
walked away.
If it weren't for my mom, I don't think we would ever see them, but my mom always wants
us all to get together and we do for everyone's birthdays and holiday's it is kind of
unavoidable unless we avoid my mom too, which I don't want to do. I really want to take a
stand for my child and stand up for him, but not sure how to go about it?
Since my son says he wants to get together with them, should I just try to talk with him
about what to do or should we just avoid them all together?
Thanks for listening,
Julie
sister's children. If my sister didn't have children, I doubt I would even be around her
myself, as we have never gotten along (as kids) and still don't. IMO my sister is just plain
mean (o.k. she can be very nice sometimes), but the way she is I can see it is shaping her
children to be just like her. Her & her dh use all sorts of manipulative tactics with their
children (bribes, rewards, punishments, shame, guilt, humiliation,ect...). Some examples
of her meanness include:
- Her children have to finish their dinner before they can have dessert, well one time we all
went out to a restaurant and her oldest son (5 at the time), wasn't hungry (usually doesn't
eat much because he is a small boy), and as usual she kept threatening him with no
dessert. When we got back to my mom's house to have cake (it was somebody's birthday),
he wanted to look at the cake and she said "o.k. you better get a good look, cause your
not getting any", which sent him into a total meltdown, and she just laughs it off.
- She has this thing with feet and won't let any of her kids (or anyone else's kids for that
matter) get near her with their "stinky feet". One time her son hurt his foot and asked for
a kiss better on it and she said "I'm not going to kiss your stinky foot".
- One day we were talking on the phone and her kids were being made to clean their
rooms, I heard her 4 year old come and genuinly askf or her help in cleaning his room
and she said "no!, you made it messy, you have to clean it up".
- With her 2 year old, instead of picking up things she should be playing with, she (since
she was 1), puts her in time-out (in her crib or in the playpen) when she "doesn't stop
getting into things she shouldn't be into".
- Instead of be a role model for her children, she swears a lot in front of them and
badmouths people and then if they do it she threatens them and has even "washed their
mouths out with soap".
Sorry this is turning into a big rant about my sister, my question is this:
Her two sons (7 & 4) are to the point of actually starting to bully my son (4). They fight
and wrestle a lot together and my son has never liked it, he used to just leave when they
would start doing it and they always would try to include him, but now my son is starting
to fight back saying that "I am just defending myself". We never get together with just the
two families, the only time we get together is at my moms house with her initiating it. Her
sons will hit my son and then if my son hits or kicks back they come and tattle on him, so
lately i've tried to be there 100% of the time, so he doesn't get blamed for starting
something. It is just a big hassle everytime we are together with them that I dread it
soooo much. The thing is, is that my son says they are his friends and he wants to get
together with them, but they aren't nice to him at all. They will say "hey, let's all run away
from Damek, he stinks" and I can see the hurt look in my son's eyes when they do this.
Recently the older one started a game of, everytime my son would get near him he would
run away and say "help Damek is going to kill me", and my son was almost in tears saying
"I would never to do that" visibly upset, and all my sister's dh said was "hey, be nice" and
walked away.
If it weren't for my mom, I don't think we would ever see them, but my mom always wants
us all to get together and we do for everyone's birthdays and holiday's it is kind of
unavoidable unless we avoid my mom too, which I don't want to do. I really want to take a
stand for my child and stand up for him, but not sure how to go about it?
Since my son says he wants to get together with them, should I just try to talk with him
about what to do or should we just avoid them all together?
Thanks for listening,
Julie
Joanne
--- In [email protected], "Julie v." <jlvw@...>
wrote:
The only way I see how to go about it is to stay away from your
sister and her kids.
You can see your mother any time you want...one has nothing to do
with the other. As far as birthday's...skip it and make other plans.
As for holidays...make it a shorter stay or don't go. Your first
priority is to your child, not your mom.
Hope this helps!
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
wrote:
>>>>I really want to take a stand for my child and stand up for him,but not sure how to go about it?>>>
The only way I see how to go about it is to stay away from your
sister and her kids.
You can see your mother any time you want...one has nothing to do
with the other. As far as birthday's...skip it and make other plans.
As for holidays...make it a shorter stay or don't go. Your first
priority is to your child, not your mom.
Hope this helps!
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 2003
************************************
Unschooling Voices ~ Add Your Voice
www.foreverparents.com/UnschoolingVoices.html
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 10/26/06, Julie v. <jlvw@...> wrote:
not mean that you have to subject yourself and your children to her
meanness. We don't choose our parents and siblings (or other blood
relatives) but we can choose not to be around them. If you don't like
to see the way she treats her children and you don't want your
children to be subjected to that sort of behaviour then don't go
around them. There is no obligation just because she is your sister.
Think of it this way: if this were somoene that you met at church (or
a park or ladies' social club, wherever) and you went out to dinner
with her and she treated her children like your sister treats her
children, would you continue that relationship? Most likely not. So
why do so with your sister? What would you be losing if you decided
to have very limited contact with her (and other people who put you in
an uncomfortable place?)
Michelle
> O.K. I have been having a major debate with myself over having my children around myJust because she is your sister and just because she has children does
> sister's children. If my sister didn't have children, I doubt I would even be around her
> myself, as we have never gotten along (as kids) and still don't. IMO my sister is just plain
> mean
not mean that you have to subject yourself and your children to her
meanness. We don't choose our parents and siblings (or other blood
relatives) but we can choose not to be around them. If you don't like
to see the way she treats her children and you don't want your
children to be subjected to that sort of behaviour then don't go
around them. There is no obligation just because she is your sister.
Think of it this way: if this were somoene that you met at church (or
a park or ladies' social club, wherever) and you went out to dinner
with her and she treated her children like your sister treats her
children, would you continue that relationship? Most likely not. So
why do so with your sister? What would you be losing if you decided
to have very limited contact with her (and other people who put you in
an uncomfortable place?)
Michelle
Vickisue Gray
I have to agree with everyone's responses. In fact, I have personally gone through something similiar this summer with my sister. She called me at work one day and started screaming at me, "Do you know where the boys are? (hers 7, mine 8 at the time)"
"Well, no as I'm in Daytona at work. I didn't even know Holden (her ds) was at my house."
"Did you tell them to stay away from the water?"
"Of coarse." (There had been a bunch of gator attacks this summer so all the kids had been told to stay away from the water just in case a gator moved in.) Where are they?"
"They are out in the pasture with Bria!" (Our sweetest of sweet throughbred the boys have been around since their birth.)
"Are they near the water?"
"No!, but they shouldn't be near the horse!"
Anyway, she just kept screaming at me, then she went and screamed at my dh. He apologized trying to calm her. Neither of us could figure out what she was ranting about, as the boys have played out there for years now. Long story short, we no longer see them as she feels we are unfit parents and continues to be insultive. My son morns the loss of his best friend and cousin but what can we do until she decides to return to her senses.
Just a note: Holden was practically raised by me and grew up on our farm. Being around the horses is nothing new as both boys ride and are no strangers to our horses. There was nothing to be concerned about.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"Well, no as I'm in Daytona at work. I didn't even know Holden (her ds) was at my house."
"Did you tell them to stay away from the water?"
"Of coarse." (There had been a bunch of gator attacks this summer so all the kids had been told to stay away from the water just in case a gator moved in.) Where are they?"
"They are out in the pasture with Bria!" (Our sweetest of sweet throughbred the boys have been around since their birth.)
"Are they near the water?"
"No!, but they shouldn't be near the horse!"
Anyway, she just kept screaming at me, then she went and screamed at my dh. He apologized trying to calm her. Neither of us could figure out what she was ranting about, as the boys have played out there for years now. Long story short, we no longer see them as she feels we are unfit parents and continues to be insultive. My son morns the loss of his best friend and cousin but what can we do until she decides to return to her senses.
Just a note: Holden was practically raised by me and grew up on our farm. Being around the horses is nothing new as both boys ride and are no strangers to our horses. There was nothing to be concerned about.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
laura g
>I would probably avoid them or cut visits short until your son is a little
>O.K. I have been having a major debate with myself over having my children
>around my
>sister's children. If my sister didn't have children, I doubt I would even
>be around her
>myself, as we have never gotten along (as kids) and still don't. IMO my
>sister is just plain
>mean (o.k. she can be very nice sometimes), but the way she is I can see it
>is shaping her
>children to be just like her. Her & her dh use all sorts of manipulative
>tactics with their
>children (bribes, rewards, punishments, shame, guilt, humiliation,ect...).
>Some examples
>of her meanness include:
>
>- Her children have to finish their dinner before they can have dessert,
>well one time we all
>went out to a restaurant and her oldest son (5 at the time), wasn't hungry
>(usually doesn't
>eat much because he is a small boy), and as usual she kept threatening him
>with no
>dessert. When we got back to my mom's house to have cake (it was
>somebody's birthday),
>he wanted to look at the cake and she said "o.k. you better get a good
>look, cause your
>not getting any", which sent him into a total meltdown, and she just laughs
>it off.
>
>- She has this thing with feet and won't let any of her kids (or anyone
>else's kids for that
>matter) get near her with their "stinky feet". One time her son hurt his
>foot and asked for
>a kiss better on it and she said "I'm not going to kiss your stinky foot".
>
>- One day we were talking on the phone and her kids were being made to
>clean their
>rooms, I heard her 4 year old come and genuinly askf or her help in
>cleaning his room
>and she said "no!, you made it messy, you have to clean it up".
>
>- With her 2 year old, instead of picking up things she should be playing
>with, she (since
>she was 1), puts her in time-out (in her crib or in the playpen) when she
>"doesn't stop
>getting into things she shouldn't be into".
>
>- Instead of be a role model for her children, she swears a lot in front of
>them and
>badmouths people and then if they do it she threatens them and has even
>"washed their
>mouths out with soap".
>
>Sorry this is turning into a big rant about my sister, my question is this:
>
>Her two sons (7 & 4) are to the point of actually starting to bully my son
>(4). They fight
>and wrestle a lot together and my son has never liked it, he used to just
>leave when they
>would start doing it and they always would try to include him, but now my
>son is starting
>to fight back saying that "I am just defending myself". We never get
>together with just the
>two families, the only time we get together is at my moms house with her
>initiating it. Her
>sons will hit my son and then if my son hits or kicks back they come and
>tattle on him, so
>lately i've tried to be there 100% of the time, so he doesn't get blamed
>for starting
>something. It is just a big hassle everytime we are together with them
>that I dread it
>soooo much. The thing is, is that my son says they are his friends and he
>wants to get
>together with them, but they aren't nice to him at all. They will say
>"hey, let's all run away
>from Damek, he stinks" and I can see the hurt look in my son's eyes when
>they do this.
>Recently the older one started a game of, everytime my son would get near
>him he would
>run away and say "help Damek is going to kill me", and my son was almost in
>tears saying
>"I would never to do that" visibly upset, and all my sister's dh said was
>"hey, be nice" and
>walked away.
>
>If it weren't for my mom, I don't think we would ever see them, but my mom
>always wants
>us all to get together and we do for everyone's birthdays and holiday's it
>is kind of
>unavoidable unless we avoid my mom too, which I don't want to do. I really
>want to take a
>stand for my child and stand up for him, but not sure how to go about it?
>
>Since my son says he wants to get together with them, should I just try to
>talk with him
>about what to do or should we just avoid them all together?
>
>Thanks for listening,
>
>Julie
>
older. My ds is dealing with some kids like that in gymnastics and luckily
they are not family. He reports the things they say and do and we talk alot
about staying away from them, playing with other kids, etc... This last
week he said it was better cause he just avoided those kids... Maybe make
some trips to see your mom and conveniently go at different times from your
sister. >
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-----Original Message-----
From: jlvw@...
If it weren't for my mom, I don't think we would ever see them, but my
mom
always wants us all to get together and we do for everyone's birthdays
and holiday's it is
kind of unavoidable unless we avoid my mom too, which I don't want to
do. I really want
to take a stand for my child and stand up for him, but not sure how to
go about it?
-=-=-=-
I wouldn't go unless I knew she weren't going to be there. If your
*mother* won't stand up to her, how can she expect you all to get along
there. Does your mother not understand how horrible it is for you?
Ask her to quit asking you all to get together. Unless your mom's
willing to do preemptive damage control, it's not a safe place for your
immediate family.
-=-=-=-
Since my son says he wants to get together with them, should I just try
to talk
with him about what to do or should we just avoid them all together?
-=-=-
Maybe ask the cousind to come to *your* house withOUT their mom. Lay
down the law about what's appropriate and what's NOT appropriate at
*your* house. If they can follow *YOUR* house principles, they may stay
and play. If the insist on being mean to your son, you'll be happy and
willing to take them home immediately.
~Kelly
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From: jlvw@...
If it weren't for my mom, I don't think we would ever see them, but my
mom
always wants us all to get together and we do for everyone's birthdays
and holiday's it is
kind of unavoidable unless we avoid my mom too, which I don't want to
do. I really want
to take a stand for my child and stand up for him, but not sure how to
go about it?
-=-=-=-
I wouldn't go unless I knew she weren't going to be there. If your
*mother* won't stand up to her, how can she expect you all to get along
there. Does your mother not understand how horrible it is for you?
Ask her to quit asking you all to get together. Unless your mom's
willing to do preemptive damage control, it's not a safe place for your
immediate family.
-=-=-=-
Since my son says he wants to get together with them, should I just try
to talk
with him about what to do or should we just avoid them all together?
-=-=-
Maybe ask the cousind to come to *your* house withOUT their mom. Lay
down the law about what's appropriate and what's NOT appropriate at
*your* house. If they can follow *YOUR* house principles, they may stay
and play. If the insist on being mean to your son, you'll be happy and
willing to take them home immediately.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.