Rebecca De Hate

OK, maybe this isn't the appropriate place to post these thoughts
but this is the only really active group I'm involved with so if you
have another place I can rant please send me there. Anyway, today
is a day when I'm feeling like "why bother". It seems that no
matter what I do my son (4) is going to give me a road block. Now in
reality I know its all me. For example... a couple of weeks ago I
was going to take my nephew to school and the night before I asked
Ian if he wanted to stay home in the morning with the babysitter or
go with me.. well he said me.Cool. but that morning all hell broke
loose. (me again) because I wanted Ian to change his 'painted'pants
in case we went out afterwards (ok I'm worrying what other people
will think -- bad...) So I thought if I helped him he would be ok --
nope.. long story short I lost it, hollered a little spanked, etc.
However, I did take him to mc'd's later and all was well. Except my,
geez, I could've handled the whole morning differently. I could
have just left the stinkin' painted pants up -- who really cares and
if they do oh well. But then again today same scenario promised my
nephew I would take him to school. All right, this time I won't
even wake up Ian, I won't worry about what he's wearing at the
moment I'll just lay him down in the car wrapped in cozy blanket and
take the spare set of clothes with me (because geez somebody (like
my mother) may realize he's in the same pants as yesterday -gasp --
can't have that). All is well, proud of myself no craziness
leaving. but listen there's more... get to Mc Donalds and ask him to
put on the different clothes or we weren't going in (hmmm. could
this been the wrong words???) Spazzzz , even offered to help... nope
spazz -- mom blows once more -spanks (Mind you, I'm sure the drive
in guy thinks i'm just killing my kid -- because he's screaming -
which he was doing way before I even spanked.... still wrong answer
I know...)
Later it's time to go to Aunt Shel's just down the road -- to
rake outside -- so ok no prob. but you need socks and coat, hat,
etc.. minor dilemma's but he puts stuff on. but just before were
going out the door to walk him down - spazz.. throws off hat/mask
(which he put on) and gloves we just put on because it's hard to
open door... the ever mature mom whops him on the head with the hats
in my hand and causes more tantrum -- makes him go outside and go to
aunt shel's -- in between trying to get him to look at me and trying
to hold him -- looks like I"M doing who knows what and sounding like
a lunatic i'm sure. (so wonder why he won't listen to me at this
point????)

ok believe it or not working towards unschooling but how the heck do
I unschool myself. It seems the more I work on joyful living,
peacefulness, etc I revert back to the old. I swear, I scream,
spank, what the heck... ALL NEGATIVE.

But here's my pity party, it's just me. single mom of 2. 4years old
and 7 month old. no one to retrieve me -- monies running out,
stress over money, expected the ex-boyfriend to maybe step up to the
plate and help and help me to work only part time (now he's the ex --
for a reason) my mom thinks the ex- is why Ian and I battled but
the truth is battle is always here... me.... I don't get to stay
home like these other unschoolers and just enjoy..now i have to go
look for a job and be away from my boys -- hating it..

can you all see where my mind is going.. Basically after all this
ranting... HOW do I unschool myself from all this old patterns? It
isn't my children's fault I'm stressed.

laura g

]
>
>But here's my pity party, it's just me. single mom of 2. 4years old
>and 7 month old. no one to retrieve me -- monies running out,
>stress over money, expected the ex-boyfriend to maybe step up to the
>plate and help and help me to work only part time (now he's the ex --
> for a reason) my mom thinks the ex- is why Ian and I battled but
>the truth is battle is always here... me.... I don't get to stay
>home like these other unschoolers and just enjoy..now i have to go
>look for a job and be away from my boys -- hating it..
>
>can you all see where my mind is going.. Basically after all this
>ranting... HOW do I unschool myself from all this old patterns? It
>isn't my children's fault I'm stressed.
>

When i read that some of it struck home with me. I used to reach out and
swat or spank the kids cause i was so frustrated. when my younger son hit
me and I said "dont hit, we dont hurt each other in this family" is when it
hit me. So i promised them i would not do that ever again and I havnt. my
5 year old heard that his friend got a spanking today and he told me "I
havnt gotten a spanking in years cause you quit that stuff" now i just hope
he eventually forgets that i ever did.
The other week I had to get the kids up and to a 7 oclock drs appointment.
I got them dressed the night before in something comfortable, put their
shoes on while they were still asleep and off we went. Otherwise just let
him wear what he wants... no biggy especially at his age.. people just
assume he dressed himself.. which he did. As for hats and gloves just take
them with you.. he will ask for them pretty quick.


>

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Johanna

Am 27.10.2006 um 01:05 schrieb laura g:

> So i promised them i would not do that ever again and I havnt. my
> 5 year old heard that his friend got a spanking today and he told
> me "I
> havnt gotten a spanking in years cause you quit that stuff" now i
> just hope
> he eventually forgets that i ever did.


They will never forget.

Johanna

frozenandcold

<<<<<They will never forget.>>>>

But they are so forgiving!! :)

Heidi

Johanna

Am 27.10.2006 um 07:54 schrieb frozenandcold:

> <<<<<They will never forget.>>>>
>
> But they are so forgiving!! :)
>
> Heidi

Yeah, and that's amazing!

Johanna

Jean Dorsey

A late response, but better late than never. Did I miss something?
Using the word spanking is really just a way to make yourself feel
better. If we substitute that word for what it really is--
HITTING-would it still be brushed off as ok? I know that it's easy
to get caught up in a bad situation...but some things can never be an
option. HITTING CHILDREN CAN NOT BE AN OPTION. EVER.
--- In
[email protected], "Rebecca De Hate"
<rebeccadehate@...> wrote:
>
> OK, maybe this isn't the appropriate place to post these thoughts
> but this is the only really active group I'm involved with so if
you
> have another place I can rant please send me there. Anyway, today
> is a day when I'm feeling like "why bother". It seems that no
> matter what I do my son (4) is going to give me a road block. Now
in
> reality I know its all me. For example... a couple of weeks ago I
> was going to take my nephew to school and the night before I asked
> Ian if he wanted to stay home in the morning with the babysitter or
> go with me.. well he said me.Cool. but that morning all hell broke
> loose. (me again) because I wanted Ian to change
his 'painted'pants
> in case we went out afterwards (ok I'm worrying what other people
> will think -- bad...) So I thought if I helped him he would be ok --

> nope.. long story short I lost it, hollered a little spanked, etc.
> However, I did take him to mc'd's later and all was well. Except
my,
> geez, I could've handled the whole morning differently. I could
> have just left the stinkin' painted pants up -- who really cares
and
> if they do oh well. But then again today same scenario promised my
> nephew I would take him to school. All right, this time I won't
> even wake up Ian, I won't worry about what he's wearing at the
> moment I'll just lay him down in the car wrapped in cozy blanket
and
> take the spare set of clothes with me (because geez somebody (like
> my mother) may realize he's in the same pants as yesterday -gasp --
> can't have that). All is well, proud of myself no craziness
> leaving. but listen there's more... get to Mc Donalds and ask him
to
> put on the different clothes or we weren't going in (hmmm. could
> this been the wrong words???) Spazzzz , even offered to help...
nope
> spazz -- mom blows once more -spanks (Mind you, I'm sure the drive
> in guy thinks i'm just killing my kid -- because he's screaming -
> which he was doing way before I even spanked.... still wrong answer
> I know...)
> Later it's time to go to Aunt Shel's just down the road -- to
> rake outside -- so ok no prob. but you need socks and coat, hat,
> etc.. minor dilemma's but he puts stuff on. but just before were
> going out the door to walk him down - spazz.. throws off hat/mask
> (which he put on) and gloves we just put on because it's hard to
> open door... the ever mature mom whops him on the head with the
hats
> in my hand and causes more tantrum -- makes him go outside and go
to
> aunt shel's -- in between trying to get him to look at me and
trying
> to hold him -- looks like I"M doing who knows what and sounding
like
> a lunatic i'm sure. (so wonder why he won't listen to me at this
> point????)
>
> ok believe it or not working towards unschooling but how the heck
do
> I unschool myself. It seems the more I work on joyful living,
> peacefulness, etc I revert back to the old. I swear, I scream,
> spank, what the heck... ALL NEGATIVE.
>
> But here's my pity party, it's just me. single mom of 2. 4years old
> and 7 month old. no one to retrieve me -- monies running out,
> stress over money, expected the ex-boyfriend to maybe step up to
the
> plate and help and help me to work only part time (now he's the ex -
-
> for a reason) my mom thinks the ex- is why Ian and I battled but
> the truth is battle is always here... me.... I don't get to stay
> home like these other unschoolers and just enjoy..now i have to go
> look for a job and be away from my boys -- hating it..
>
> can you all see where my mind is going.. Basically after all this
> ranting... HOW do I unschool myself from all this old patterns? It
> isn't my children's fault I'm stressed.
>

Rebecca De Hate

Ok folks last time I wrote anything substantial I was having a pity
party. Well, that's over (thank goodness) but I would like to
update all of you on progress we have been having in our lives!!!

I wrote: But then again today same scenario promised my
nephew I would take him to school. All right, this time I won't
even wake up Ian, I won't worry about what he's wearing at the
moment I'll just lay him down in the car wrapped in cozy blanket and
take the spare set of clothes with me (because geez somebody (like
my mother) may realize he's in the same pants as yesterday -gasp --
can't have that). All is well, proud of myself no craziness
leaving. but listen there's more... get to Mc Donalds and ask him to
put on the different clothes or we weren't going in (hmmm. could
this been the wrong words???)

Thoughts going on now: So what if he has the same stinkin' pants on
from yesterday, or painted pants, or (gasp) dirty clothes. People
who think their kids have to look perfect all the time are not
living in reality. My own mother is the first to say "don't worry
about what other people say -- but is the first to scream 'neglect'
if my boy has not taken a bath in a couple of days or has the same
clothes on for two days... But I'm not going to argue about it.. I'm
going to encourage him to change but if he doesn't whose it hurting -
- no one.

I wrote: Spazzzz , even offered to help... nope spazz -- mom blows
once more -spanks (Mind you, I'm sure the drive
> in guy thinks i'm just killing my kid -- because he's screaming -
> which he was doing way before I even spanked.... still wrong
answer
> I know...)

Thinking now: Someone wrote on this group that spanking -is Hitting
and that should never happen. That person is right. Lately when I
start to even think about spanking I think to myself -- "I'm going
to hit you.." WRONG. One time I even did the classic threat -- "If
you don't stop I'm going to spank you" NOPE Later I even told my
son that I was wrong to say that, because spanking is hitting and I
ask him not to hit so I shouldn't........


MORE THOUGHTS:

Basically, I'm recoginizing more and more that I am setting the tone
for the household. If I'm snappy and grumpy, how are my kids going
to act? This one is a hard one to swallow but true. Lately, are
household is running much smoother because I'm slowly learning to
stop and think before I react. My children are a blessing and I
want to have a peaceful household and it starts with me. When I was
last having my pity party I was crying about it being just me -- but
in a more positive light -- at least I don't have to battle a
partner that doesn't understand unschooling.....

More accomplishments (I think):

1. when my oldest has insisted he doesn't need a coat or hat, etc.
I honor his decision and usually now he's been asking for his coat
to be zipped up, or a hat, or gloves all on his own. (so what if my
mom thinks this is awful, I believe my child is smart enough to
realize when he is cold and will fix the problem (he's 4))

2. On Halloween my son decided to take his clothes off and just
where his scoby doo outfit with just underwear and socks. I did try
to explain that he really need clothes underneath because it was
cold, but he started to argue -- so I just said ok. to say the least
we didn't get to far before he wanted to head home and he was cold.
But when he started to become upset because he wanted in the
stroller instead of his gator, I just asked him to hold on a minute
and I got a blanket and put it around him....
the only thing I think I could have left out was the "I told you
so..."

3. The other morning when he asked for fritos for 'breakfast' I
said ok and even went and got them for him. Why not? Like someone
pointed out does it matter if he eats them in the morning or late
afternoon? When I was laughing about this with my mom -- of course
I got the "oh, Rebecca" from her.. but I just told her "does it
really matter?" Of course her rebuttal was "depends on what he ate
the rest of the day" --- Does it???? I basically don't make a big
deal out of meals. We eat when were hungry.

So folks, I believe I'm starting to come around to the unschooling
thoughts and I'm working on being more mindful towards my kids (and
everyone for that matter) everyday. The biggest thing I kick myself
about now is my quickness to yell. Even today my son said to
me "you can't holler at me I'm being nice to you" (something I have
said similarly to him before) and all I could say was "your right,
I'm sorry"

Anyway, I hope I made sense and I know this was a pretty long
message to sort through. Thank you for your ever watching/listening
ears. And I am always open to more suggestions...Thank you

mother_bhaer

--- In [email protected], "Rebecca De Hate"
<rebeccadehate@...> wrote:
>
> Ok folks last time I wrote anything substantial I was having a pity
> party. Well, that's over (thank goodness) but I would like to
> update all of you on progress we have been having in our lives!!!
>




Thank you for this whole post. It was very encouraging to me. I find
myself slipping back into the easy, well worn patterns so quickly.
Way too quickly. I will try re-phrasing things like you do
sometimes. I think that might help.

Terri