[email protected]

Hi,

I have an issue I want to explore before I react to my dd. Ashley, almost 12 and schooling by choice, is having a challenging time integrating us, her family, in her plans. And for the most part I help her create the life she wants, but...some of the choices she is making directly hurt the other children , her siblings, and on these issues I have a hard time supporting her desires.

My 2 examples which I am currently dealing with:

1. a good friend of Tessa'a, who is turning 8 and schools is having a birthday party and chose not to invite Tessa. Fine, she is having a class type party. I have not mentioned this to Tessa as Tessa calls this friend her best friend. Ashley, my older dd, is good friends with the birthday child's sister and spent the wekend over at their house. Ashley has been asked to come to the party. And she feels she has every right to go and too bad for Tessa. She went so far as to say the birthday girl doesn't really like Tessa that much and went off about how annoying her own sister is. I validate, I listen, but inside my own heart is breaking and it's at this point I need a bit of help seeing how to support Ashley and at the same time support Tessa . I have spent a fair amount of energy cultivating the friendship with the almost 8 year old, but it is more a 1 sided frinedship as the family is a double income family and has yet to invite Tessa over for anything. We've had their child over d
ozens of time for all day, sleepovers, movies, lots of things.The girls play fantastic together and have a lot in common. So far I have kept it to myself and shared with Tim my feelings, but not the girls. I have placed a call to the mom to see if we can have a playtime this week after school with birthday girl to celebrate. I am not so worried about not being invited. I am more worried about Ashley being invited and feeling so ok about going without any aparent empathy for her little sister's feelings.

2. Same families involved, Ashley and her friend have a close birthday. I suggested they have a party together. I suggested we have a big BBQ at the pool. All was good. The girls have now decided the pool will be to cold. They want to have the party at the friend's house. Big house with trampoline, but... now it no longer is a big BBQ family party, it is a 7th grade friends party without siblings. Yuck... So I'm stuck how to move here. I just cringe thinking about joyfully preparing for a party at the same time telling her sibs, who want to be included, sorry, Ashley wants this to be just friends...this is when it hurts to much to move.

What I am looking for is a way to open up the conversation so I feel heard. I'm having a hard time not jumping all over her for being so inconsiderate. I have pushed the pause button...I am waiting and thought I would explore with you ways to approach this with respect and honesty. I want to honor her.

Mary

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

kaikade

Mary,

I wish I could help you find peace. I know there are others on this
list who might have ideas.... I'm sure they will respond in time.

Ginger

--- In [email protected], mfhickman@... wrote:
>
> Hi,
>
> I have an issue I want to explore before I react to my dd. Ashley,
almost 12 and schooling by choice, is having a challenging time
integrating us, her family, in her plans. And for the most part I
help her create the life she wants, but...some of the choices she is
making directly hurt the other children , her siblings, and on these
issues I have a hard time supporting her desires.
>
> My 2 examples which I am currently dealing with:
>
> 1. a good friend of Tessa'a, who is turning 8 and schools is
having a birthday party and chose not to invite Tessa. Fine, she is
having a class type party. I have not mentioned this to Tessa as
Tessa calls this friend her best friend. Ashley, my older dd, is
good friends with the birthday child's sister and spent the wekend
over at their house. Ashley has been asked to come to the party. And
she feels she has every right to go and too bad for Tessa. She went
so far as to say the birthday girl doesn't really like Tessa that
much and went off about how annoying her own sister is. I validate,
I listen, but inside my own heart is breaking and it's at this point
I need a bit of help seeing how to support Ashley and at the same
time support Tessa . I have spent a fair amount of energy
cultivating the friendship with the almost 8 year old, but it is
more a 1 sided frinedship as the family is a double income family
and has yet to invite Tessa over for anything. We've had their child
over d
> ozens of time for all day, sleepovers, movies, lots of things.The
girls play fantastic together and have a lot in common. So far I
have kept it to myself and shared with Tim my feelings, but not the
girls. I have placed a call to the mom to see if we can have a
playtime this week after school with birthday girl to celebrate. I
am not so worried about not being invited. I am more worried about
Ashley being invited and feeling so ok about going without any
aparent empathy for her little sister's feelings.
>
> 2. Same families involved, Ashley and her friend have a close
birthday. I suggested they have a party together. I suggested we
have a big BBQ at the pool. All was good. The girls have now decided
the pool will be to cold. They want to have the party at the
friend's house. Big house with trampoline, but... now it no longer
is a big BBQ family party, it is a 7th grade friends party without
siblings. Yuck... So I'm stuck how to move here. I just cringe
thinking about joyfully preparing for a party at the same time
telling her sibs, who want to be included, sorry, Ashley wants this
to be just friends...this is when it hurts to much to move.
>
> What I am looking for is a way to open up the conversation so I
feel heard. I'm having a hard time not jumping all over her for
being so inconsiderate. I have pushed the pause button...I am
waiting and thought I would explore with you ways to approach this
with respect and honesty. I want to honor her.
>
> Mary
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

eriksmama2001

Mary,

I wanted to invite you to post your question involving your schooled
daughter and unschooled daughter to the Consensual Living list for
help seeking a mutually agreeable solution that honors each's needs:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-living/


Pat