Parenting Question
cm100873
I'm very new to the idea of unschooling and it has become quite clear
that there is a prevailing method of child rearing that goes hand in
hand with it. Is there a book or something that teaches this method
of parenting? I'm curious and intrigued. I hear many things I like,
but need more information.
Charlene
that there is a prevailing method of child rearing that goes hand in
hand with it. Is there a book or something that teaches this method
of parenting? I'm curious and intrigued. I hear many things I like,
but need more information.
Charlene
Michelle/Melbrigða
On 8/9/06, cm100873 <mrshertzberg@...> wrote:
about parenting as well. Partly because unschooling is more than a
curriculum choice. There are some fantastic books out there right now
on unschooling and how to embrace it fully. Rue Kream's book
Parenting a Free Child is *excellent*!! (And she pokes her nose on
this list from time to time.) There are other authors that are good
as well such as John Holt, Alfie Kohn and Valerie Fitzenriter (sp?)'s
The Unprocessed Child. Be sure to take some time and read some of the
members' blogs, too. I gain little bits of insight every day from a
perusal through blogs!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
> I'm very new to the idea of unschooling and it has become quite clearJust about any book you pick up on unschooling is going to be a book
> that there is a prevailing method of child rearing that goes hand in
> hand with it. Is there a book or something that teaches this method
> of parenting? I'm curious and intrigued. I hear many things I like,
> but need more information.
>
about parenting as well. Partly because unschooling is more than a
curriculum choice. There are some fantastic books out there right now
on unschooling and how to embrace it fully. Rue Kream's book
Parenting a Free Child is *excellent*!! (And she pokes her nose on
this list from time to time.) There are other authors that are good
as well such as John Holt, Alfie Kohn and Valerie Fitzenriter (sp?)'s
The Unprocessed Child. Be sure to take some time and read some of the
members' blogs, too. I gain little bits of insight every day from a
perusal through blogs!
--
Michelle
aka Melbrigða
http://eventualknitting.blogspot.com
[email protected] - Homeschooling for the Medieval Recreationist
Charlene Hertzberg
Thank you so much for your help. That was exactly the kind of information I needed.
Charlene
www.thebabblingbaby.com<http://www.thebabblingbaby.com/>
www.lifes-favors.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Charlene
www.thebabblingbaby.com<http://www.thebabblingbaby.com/>
www.lifes-favors.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nicole Willoughby
There are people out there who unschool as in they dont use a curriculum but parent in the same old traditional way.
Then you have Radical unschoolers that consider school to be a 24/7 life experience....if you are living life you are learning. .
Then there are the weirdos like me whose children attend school for differents reasons :)
But hey I like hanging out here because people treat their kids well I learn a lot and learn to look at things in whole new ways. Plus they know they can quit anytime they choose.
If its a rule I ask myself is this really necessary? If its something I really need I let my needs be known and try to come up with something the benefits everyone.
I ask myself really often....Does this really make sense or are you saying it because its the traditional parent response you heard as a child?
a few examples of this......
Courtney went to go play at a friend house a street over. When she came home she said mom put my bike up for me please. My first instinct would have been its your bike you are responsible for it instead of wow its really hot outside bet she needs a drink and time to cool off its great that she is caring for her bike and realizes it needs to be put up...I bet that garage door is a strugle for her little 40lb body. But is this really fair of coniderate? certainly not! esp when I ask her to do things for me many times a day. I usualy say ok to her requests for help and from this example she usualy says yes to me.
There are occasions where we say no or wait. Today Nathaniel smeared pink trix yogurt into brand new carpet in our rental house. So I felt that I really needed to get out our green machine and clean it right away before it stained.
Courtney wanted me to get her food and I said please get something yourself or wait 15 minutes. Now I do this is it really kind to expect her to immediatly drop whatever she is working on because I have decided I want her room clean?
ANyhow you asked for books :) Ive heard that Rue 's book is fantastic from people on and off this list. Unfortunatly I havent read it because were to darn broke to order a $14 book :(
Also I think sandra dodd's webiste has a lot of useful parenting and unschooling info on it..........anyone have a link?
Nicole
---------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Then you have Radical unschoolers that consider school to be a 24/7 life experience....if you are living life you are learning. .
Then there are the weirdos like me whose children attend school for differents reasons :)
But hey I like hanging out here because people treat their kids well I learn a lot and learn to look at things in whole new ways. Plus they know they can quit anytime they choose.
If its a rule I ask myself is this really necessary? If its something I really need I let my needs be known and try to come up with something the benefits everyone.
I ask myself really often....Does this really make sense or are you saying it because its the traditional parent response you heard as a child?
a few examples of this......
Courtney went to go play at a friend house a street over. When she came home she said mom put my bike up for me please. My first instinct would have been its your bike you are responsible for it instead of wow its really hot outside bet she needs a drink and time to cool off its great that she is caring for her bike and realizes it needs to be put up...I bet that garage door is a strugle for her little 40lb body. But is this really fair of coniderate? certainly not! esp when I ask her to do things for me many times a day. I usualy say ok to her requests for help and from this example she usualy says yes to me.
There are occasions where we say no or wait. Today Nathaniel smeared pink trix yogurt into brand new carpet in our rental house. So I felt that I really needed to get out our green machine and clean it right away before it stained.
Courtney wanted me to get her food and I said please get something yourself or wait 15 minutes. Now I do this is it really kind to expect her to immediatly drop whatever she is working on because I have decided I want her room clean?
ANyhow you asked for books :) Ive heard that Rue 's book is fantastic from people on and off this list. Unfortunatly I havent read it because were to darn broke to order a $14 book :(
Also I think sandra dodd's webiste has a lot of useful parenting and unschooling info on it..........anyone have a link?
Nicole
---------------------------------
Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Genant
Is there a book or something that teaches this method
of books that I, and a couple of others, have found helpful in the
parenting arena. The list is not in any particular order, it give
title, author and a synopsis from the book web site, amazon or other
source. It might be helpful.
Pam G
> of parenting? >>>> CharleneCharlene, and anyone else. I just uploaded a file that I helped create
>
of books that I, and a couple of others, have found helpful in the
parenting arena. The list is not in any particular order, it give
title, author and a synopsis from the book web site, amazon or other
source. It might be helpful.
Pam G
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: mrshertzberg@...
I'm very new to the idea of unschooling and it has become quite
clear
that there is a prevailing method of child rearing that goes hand in
hand with it. Is there a book or something that teaches this method
of parenting? I'm curious and intrigued. I hear many things I like,
but need more information.
-=-=-=-
Parenting a Free Child, An Unschooled Life by Rue Kream
ABSOLUTELY a must-own for unschoolers!!!!
It doesn't "teach" you <g>---but it gives real life examples of gentle,
mindful parenting in an easy-to-read Q&A-type format. Quick read for
even the most reluctant reader.
Should be...um....*REQUIRED*...reading for unschoolers! <bwg>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
From: mrshertzberg@...
I'm very new to the idea of unschooling and it has become quite
clear
that there is a prevailing method of child rearing that goes hand in
hand with it. Is there a book or something that teaches this method
of parenting? I'm curious and intrigued. I hear many things I like,
but need more information.
-=-=-=-
Parenting a Free Child, An Unschooled Life by Rue Kream
ABSOLUTELY a must-own for unschoolers!!!!
It doesn't "teach" you <g>---but it gives real life examples of gentle,
mindful parenting in an easy-to-read Q&A-type format. Quick read for
even the most reluctant reader.
Should be...um....*REQUIRED*...reading for unschoolers! <bwg>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
"It's a small world...but a BIG life!" ~Aaron McGlohn. aged 6
________________________________________________________________________
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email
and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Paul & Camille
Hi Everyone,
We have been reading and are changing our parenting style to be more peaceful/respectful and it is feeling wonderful :)
We are having an issue and Im not sure how to handle it. So the issue is that our ds who is 5 hits us, pushes us (hard) and sometimes calls us names 'idiot' etc. DS has never been hit by us, I cannot understand why he does it. I do understand when he is frustrated or unhappy lashing out, however it isnt the case here. For example... ds and I were in bed this morning snuggling and laughing and talking, then all of a sudden he said, Im gonna hit you in the chest, and then he did - hard. Sort of put an end to the lovely snuggle we were having & there was no reason for it that I can think of. I have been saying to him something like.... We love eachother sweetie, we dont hurt eachother - it hasnt stopped him. I told him this morning that Im not going to play with him if hes hitting me, and got up... I dont know if thats a good thing to do or not. He seems to have all his needs met, I respond whenever he calls and we spend alot of time doing things together etc as does his Dad.
I know that the idiot comment is one he likes from TV so I guess it will pass, but do you react to comments such as that.
Just had a thought, when we were going to church there was a boy who was 8 that started hitting DS and pushing him etc whenever he got the chance. I spoke to his Mother about it however it didnt stop - apparently ds may have been misinterpreting the hitting, pinching and pushing due to the fact he was homeschooled!!!! We have since left church as its no longer fitting in with our family, however I believe the hitting and pushing possibly started from there.
Any help with how to handle this would be great, thanks :)
Camille
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We have been reading and are changing our parenting style to be more peaceful/respectful and it is feeling wonderful :)
We are having an issue and Im not sure how to handle it. So the issue is that our ds who is 5 hits us, pushes us (hard) and sometimes calls us names 'idiot' etc. DS has never been hit by us, I cannot understand why he does it. I do understand when he is frustrated or unhappy lashing out, however it isnt the case here. For example... ds and I were in bed this morning snuggling and laughing and talking, then all of a sudden he said, Im gonna hit you in the chest, and then he did - hard. Sort of put an end to the lovely snuggle we were having & there was no reason for it that I can think of. I have been saying to him something like.... We love eachother sweetie, we dont hurt eachother - it hasnt stopped him. I told him this morning that Im not going to play with him if hes hitting me, and got up... I dont know if thats a good thing to do or not. He seems to have all his needs met, I respond whenever he calls and we spend alot of time doing things together etc as does his Dad.
I know that the idiot comment is one he likes from TV so I guess it will pass, but do you react to comments such as that.
Just had a thought, when we were going to church there was a boy who was 8 that started hitting DS and pushing him etc whenever he got the chance. I spoke to his Mother about it however it didnt stop - apparently ds may have been misinterpreting the hitting, pinching and pushing due to the fact he was homeschooled!!!! We have since left church as its no longer fitting in with our family, however I believe the hitting and pushing possibly started from there.
Any help with how to handle this would be great, thanks :)
Camille
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "Paul & Camille" <morlingfamily@...> wrote:
The short answer is that he does it bc he's 5. Its pretty common for kids, especially boys, to go through a stage at 5 that's kind of reminiscent of 3yo behavior - lots of cause and effect stuff, with hitting, spitting and name calling topping the list (hey, he's not spitting! you're one ahead of the game!).
What you can do about it is to provide him lots of opportunities to hit things, including people. Get a cushion off the couch and let him "box" you. Get him big inflatable toys that he can be rough with - those punching bags that pop back up are handy, but other toys are good too, to wrestle with. Give him lots of chances to use his big muscles. All that's not going to guarantee he never hits you, but it creates a context in which his needs are being met in ways that are safe and appropriate. That lets "no" be more meaningful. But whenever possible, turn "no" into "do you want to box? let me get the pillows!"
You can do something similar with name calling - give him lots of chances to use silly names. Make up silly things to call people. Have a day of name-calling. Keep it light and fun. Again, the idea is to create a way for him to explore this idea that's safe and appropriate. Some cartoons are more creative about this than others, so actively look for fun name-calling on kids' shows (good ol' Spongebob comes to mind).
Within a context of saying yes, you could say "Not without a pillow!" or even just a plain "No, thank you!" the moment he declares such an intention. You could also learn to block (very useful skill) and turn the whole thing into a rough-n-tumble. That's probably what he "needed" at that point, for the warm and cuddly to turn into something more physical.
Maybe, maybe not. As I said, its really very typical 5yo behavior. It could have been "inspired" but that's not whats keeping it going.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
>> We are having an issue and Im not sure how to handle it. So the issue is that our ds who is 5 hits us, pushes us (hard) and sometimes calls us names 'idiot' etc. DS has never been hit by us, I cannot understand why he does it.******************
The short answer is that he does it bc he's 5. Its pretty common for kids, especially boys, to go through a stage at 5 that's kind of reminiscent of 3yo behavior - lots of cause and effect stuff, with hitting, spitting and name calling topping the list (hey, he's not spitting! you're one ahead of the game!).
What you can do about it is to provide him lots of opportunities to hit things, including people. Get a cushion off the couch and let him "box" you. Get him big inflatable toys that he can be rough with - those punching bags that pop back up are handy, but other toys are good too, to wrestle with. Give him lots of chances to use his big muscles. All that's not going to guarantee he never hits you, but it creates a context in which his needs are being met in ways that are safe and appropriate. That lets "no" be more meaningful. But whenever possible, turn "no" into "do you want to box? let me get the pillows!"
You can do something similar with name calling - give him lots of chances to use silly names. Make up silly things to call people. Have a day of name-calling. Keep it light and fun. Again, the idea is to create a way for him to explore this idea that's safe and appropriate. Some cartoons are more creative about this than others, so actively look for fun name-calling on kids' shows (good ol' Spongebob comes to mind).
>>all of a sudden he said, Im gonna hit you in the chest, and then he did - hard. Sort of put an end to the lovely snuggle we were having & there was no reason for it that I can think of. I have been saying to him something like.... We love eachother sweetie, we dont hurt eachother***************
Within a context of saying yes, you could say "Not without a pillow!" or even just a plain "No, thank you!" the moment he declares such an intention. You could also learn to block (very useful skill) and turn the whole thing into a rough-n-tumble. That's probably what he "needed" at that point, for the warm and cuddly to turn into something more physical.
>>We have since left church as its no longer fitting in with our family, however I believe the hitting and pushing possibly started from there.******************
Maybe, maybe not. As I said, its really very typical 5yo behavior. It could have been "inspired" but that's not whats keeping it going.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
gruvystarchild
~~You could also learn to block (very useful skill) and turn the whole thing into a rough-n-tumble. That's probably what he "needed" at that point, for the warm and cuddly to turn into something more physical.~~
Yet I would be very clear that I don't like to be hit out of the blue. It's a personal boundary thing and it's good to let him know where yours are. It can be done in a way that is firm and clear, yet not punitive. "I do not like being hit" was one of my responses to Jalen (the only one of my kids who has ever hit me) and then I would grab a nearby pillow or other object and encourage him to beat on it.
There are a lot of things going on with young children, one of them is that they're learning about impulse control. They don't often have that filter (which is great in many ways) between a thought and an action. It will come with time. In the mean time, let him know you're not the punching bag but there are alternatives.
Ren
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
Yet I would be very clear that I don't like to be hit out of the blue. It's a personal boundary thing and it's good to let him know where yours are. It can be done in a way that is firm and clear, yet not punitive. "I do not like being hit" was one of my responses to Jalen (the only one of my kids who has ever hit me) and then I would grab a nearby pillow or other object and encourage him to beat on it.
There are a lot of things going on with young children, one of them is that they're learning about impulse control. They don't often have that filter (which is great in many ways) between a thought and an action. It will come with time. In the mean time, let him know you're not the punching bag but there are alternatives.
Ren
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
Paul & Camille
Thankyou Meredith and Ren for your replies.
It certainly does make me feel better hearing that it is a normal 'boy' thing. Hes our first son, can you tell??? I read what you both had said to my husband at lunchtime and I believe it just gives us a renewed perspective on ds's actions and how to respond. This morning dh was getting quite ready to switch back into the old mode of his dad 'Dont speak to your mother like that', but now we have other things to try & to understand how things are for Mason we can try alternatives which we are more comfortable with. He is a darling boy and very loving and giving for the most part, thats why this sudden pushing and hitting is so strange. I am very grateful that he doesnt spit too :) LOL
Thanks for the input, appreciated :)
Camille
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It certainly does make me feel better hearing that it is a normal 'boy' thing. Hes our first son, can you tell??? I read what you both had said to my husband at lunchtime and I believe it just gives us a renewed perspective on ds's actions and how to respond. This morning dh was getting quite ready to switch back into the old mode of his dad 'Dont speak to your mother like that', but now we have other things to try & to understand how things are for Mason we can try alternatives which we are more comfortable with. He is a darling boy and very loving and giving for the most part, thats why this sudden pushing and hitting is so strange. I am very grateful that he doesnt spit too :) LOL
Thanks for the input, appreciated :)
Camille
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kacey Booth
see...normal, normal, normal!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Kacey Booth, President
Strategies and Solutions
Post Office Box 863
Wickford, Rhode Island 02852
http://www.strategiesandsolutions.com
email: KBooth@...
ph 401-295-8046
fax 401-294-8415
------------------------------------------------------------------
Kacey Booth, President
Strategies and Solutions
Post Office Box 863
Wickford, Rhode Island 02852
http://www.strategiesandsolutions.com
email: KBooth@...
ph 401-295-8046
fax 401-294-8415
----- Original Message -----
From: plaidpanties666
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, September 20, 2009 5:45 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Parenting Question
--- In [email protected], "Paul & Camille" <morlingfamily@...> wrote:
>> We are having an issue and Im not sure how to handle it. So the issue is that our ds who is 5 hits us, pushes us (hard) and sometimes calls us names 'idiot' etc. DS has never been hit by us, I cannot understand why he does it.
******************
The short answer is that he does it bc he's 5. Its pretty common for kids, especially boys, to go through a stage at 5 that's kind of reminiscent of 3yo behavior - lots of cause and effect stuff, with hitting, spitting and name calling topping the list (hey, he's not spitting! you're one ahead of the game!).
What you can do about it is to provide him lots of opportunities to hit things, including people. Get a cushion off the couch and let him "box" you. Get him big inflatable toys that he can be rough with - those punching bags that pop back up are handy, but other toys are good too, to wrestle with. Give him lots of chances to use his big muscles. All that's not going to guarantee he never hits you, but it creates a context in which his needs are being met in ways that are safe and appropriate. That lets "no" be more meaningful. But whenever possible, turn "no" into "do you want to box? let me get the pillows!"
You can do something similar with name calling - give him lots of chances to use silly names. Make up silly things to call people. Have a day of name-calling. Keep it light and fun. Again, the idea is to create a way for him to explore this idea that's safe and appropriate. Some cartoons are more creative about this than others, so actively look for fun name-calling on kids' shows (good ol' Spongebob comes to mind).
>>all of a sudden he said, Im gonna hit you in the chest, and then he did - hard. Sort of put an end to the lovely snuggle we were having & there was no reason for it that I can think of. I have been saying to him something like.... We love eachother sweetie, we dont hurt eachother
***************
Within a context of saying yes, you could say "Not without a pillow!" or even just a plain "No, thank you!" the moment he declares such an intention. You could also learn to block (very useful skill) and turn the whole thing into a rough-n-tumble. That's probably what he "needed" at that point, for the warm and cuddly to turn into something more physical.
>>We have since left church as its no longer fitting in with our family, however I believe the hitting and pushing possibly started from there.
******************
Maybe, maybe not. As I said, its really very typical 5yo behavior. It could have been "inspired" but that's not whats keeping it going.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Toby Rosenberg
I have a 5 year old son, who's been hitting and calling me names too. He's my second. My first son is very calm and quiet by nature, so this didn't happen with him. It is good to to be reminded that this is normal for 5 year olds.
I have thought of getting him a punching bag, but hopefully your post will give me the impetus to take this idea seriously. The pillow idea sounds good. I could use more suggestions because I am not a good play wrestler. My husband is great at it, but I usually end up overpowering him and he gets upset instead of having a good time. I'm definitely way too serious and I'm trying to be more playful. Why is that so hard for me?
I have thought of getting him a punching bag, but hopefully your post will give me the impetus to take this idea seriously. The pillow idea sounds good. I could use more suggestions because I am not a good play wrestler. My husband is great at it, but I usually end up overpowering him and he gets upset instead of having a good time. I'm definitely way too serious and I'm trying to be more playful. Why is that so hard for me?
--- On Mon, 9/21/09, Kacey Booth <kcbooth@...> wrote:
From: Kacey Booth <kcbooth@...>
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Parenting Question
To: [email protected]
Date: Monday, September 21, 2009, 6:43 AM
see...normal, normal, normal!!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Kacey Booth, President
Strategies and Solutions
Post Office Box 863
Wickford, Rhode Island 02852
http://www.strategi esandsolutions. com
email: KBooth@Strategiesan dSolutions. com
ph 401-295-8046
fax 401-294-8415
----- Original Message -----
From: plaidpanties666
To: unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Sunday, September 20, 2009 5:45 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Parenting Question
--- In unschoolingbasics@ yahoogroups. com, "Paul & Camille" <morlingfamily@ ...> wrote:
>> We are having an issue and Im not sure how to handle it. So the issue is that our ds who is 5 hits us, pushes us (hard) and sometimes calls us names 'idiot' etc. DS has never been hit by us, I cannot understand why he does it.
************ ******
The short answer is that he does it bc he's 5. Its pretty common for kids, especially boys, to go through a stage at 5 that's kind of reminiscent of 3yo behavior - lots of cause and effect stuff, with hitting, spitting and name calling topping the list (hey, he's not spitting! you're one ahead of the game!).
What you can do about it is to provide him lots of opportunities to hit things, including people. Get a cushion off the couch and let him "box" you. Get him big inflatable toys that he can be rough with - those punching bags that pop back up are handy, but other toys are good too, to wrestle with. Give him lots of chances to use his big muscles. All that's not going to guarantee he never hits you, but it creates a context in which his needs are being met in ways that are safe and appropriate. That lets "no" be more meaningful. But whenever possible, turn "no" into "do you want to box? let me get the pillows!"
You can do something similar with name calling - give him lots of chances to use silly names. Make up silly things to call people. Have a day of name-calling. Keep it light and fun. Again, the idea is to create a way for him to explore this idea that's safe and appropriate. Some cartoons are more creative about this than others, so actively look for fun name-calling on kids' shows (good ol' Spongebob comes to mind).
>>all of a sudden he said, Im gonna hit you in the chest, and then he did - hard. Sort of put an end to the lovely snuggle we were having & there was no reason for it that I can think of. I have been saying to him something like.... We love eachother sweetie, we dont hurt eachother
************ ***
Within a context of saying yes, you could say "Not without a pillow!" or even just a plain "No, thank you!" the moment he declares such an intention. You could also learn to block (very useful skill) and turn the whole thing into a rough-n-tumble. That's probably what he "needed" at that point, for the warm and cuddly to turn into something more physical.
>>We have since left church as its no longer fitting in with our family, however I believe the hitting and pushing possibly started from there.
************ ******
Maybe, maybe not. As I said, its really very typical 5yo behavior. It could have been "inspired" but that's not whats keeping it going.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], Toby Rosenberg <philipntoby@...> wrote:
There's a book called Playful Parenting that I've seen recommended by unschoolers that you might want to look into, but I think a certain amount of playfulness - or the type of play one prefers, maybe - is a matter of temperament. I know several family where most person to person rough-housing is done by dad, and mom facilitates things like finding good playgrounds, or climbing walls, or looking for big, whole-body toys.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
>I'm definitely way too serious and I'm trying to be more playful. Why is that so hard for me?********************
There's a book called Playful Parenting that I've seen recommended by unschoolers that you might want to look into, but I think a certain amount of playfulness - or the type of play one prefers, maybe - is a matter of temperament. I know several family where most person to person rough-housing is done by dad, and mom facilitates things like finding good playgrounds, or climbing walls, or looking for big, whole-body toys.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
[email protected]
Exactly. DH is much more physical with the 3-yo nephew than I am. With me, DN gets quiet play and hugs and tickling. With DH, he gets to touch the ceiling and go for piggy-back rides and wrestle over tummy raspberries.
Tough life. :)
I can't force myself to be more like DH and don't want to. But I do try to refrain from "rescuing" DN even though I see something and just cringe.
We did recently have a big bout with DN about hitting/scratching/etc. He's a strong little cuss and I told him very firmly that he had to stop. He was not happy and it took a few times but you can see him catching himself now when he starts. OTOH, things like throwing Legos or whatever are assisted. If that's what works to get that frustration out -- or just because it's fun -- you'll see scenes like my son and me handing DN Legos last night to throw across the room.
Nance
Tough life. :)
I can't force myself to be more like DH and don't want to. But I do try to refrain from "rescuing" DN even though I see something and just cringe.
We did recently have a big bout with DN about hitting/scratching/etc. He's a strong little cuss and I told him very firmly that he had to stop. He was not happy and it took a few times but you can see him catching himself now when he starts. OTOH, things like throwing Legos or whatever are assisted. If that's what works to get that frustration out -- or just because it's fun -- you'll see scenes like my son and me handing DN Legos last night to throw across the room.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <meredith@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], Toby Rosenberg <philipntoby@> wrote:
> >I'm definitely way too serious and I'm trying to be more playful. Why is that so hard for me?
> ********************
>
> There's a book called Playful Parenting that I've seen recommended by unschoolers that you might want to look into, but I think a certain amount of playfulness - or the type of play one prefers, maybe - is a matter of temperament. I know several family where most person to person rough-housing is done by dad, and mom facilitates things like finding good playgrounds, or climbing walls, or looking for big, whole-body toys.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 15)
>
Paul & Camille
Hi Everyone,
Darling son is 5.5
He interrupts us extremely regularly when we talk to each other, whether
being 'Hi How was your day' chit chat or whenever we are just talking
anytime - week, weekends, lunch time etc, he also does this when we are on
the phone.
He climbs on us, jumps on us etc, starts his own conversation with one of
us, makes lots of noise so our conversation is lost.
We try and talk around what hes doing but it isnt always possible & also
we want to be able to talk when we see eachother.
Ive spoken to ds about it, he says he wants all the attention and doesnt
want us talking to eachother without him
We are happy to have him sit on us etc while we talk. He told me that he
wants to be with Mum or Dad, and the other one can go away. He told me
you love me, you dont need him - it wasnt anything against Dad as he feels
the same way if hes with Dad.
It is strange to me as he is with one of us always and he has a huge
amount of time and attention.
He will be happily doing something but as soon as he sees us sitting
together talking he will be over and disrupting
We dont resent him doing this, however would like to beable to speak to
eachother and have our needs met also
Night time is not an option usually as I go to bed with ds to feed him,
snuggle and be with him until he falls asleep and usually i end up asleep
also
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated :)
Camille
Darling son is 5.5
He interrupts us extremely regularly when we talk to each other, whether
being 'Hi How was your day' chit chat or whenever we are just talking
anytime - week, weekends, lunch time etc, he also does this when we are on
the phone.
He climbs on us, jumps on us etc, starts his own conversation with one of
us, makes lots of noise so our conversation is lost.
We try and talk around what hes doing but it isnt always possible & also
we want to be able to talk when we see eachother.
Ive spoken to ds about it, he says he wants all the attention and doesnt
want us talking to eachother without him
We are happy to have him sit on us etc while we talk. He told me that he
wants to be with Mum or Dad, and the other one can go away. He told me
you love me, you dont need him - it wasnt anything against Dad as he feels
the same way if hes with Dad.
It is strange to me as he is with one of us always and he has a huge
amount of time and attention.
He will be happily doing something but as soon as he sees us sitting
together talking he will be over and disrupting
We dont resent him doing this, however would like to beable to speak to
eachother and have our needs met also
Night time is not an option usually as I go to bed with ds to feed him,
snuggle and be with him until he falls asleep and usually i end up asleep
also
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated :)
Camille
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "Paul & Camille" <morlingfamily@...> wrote:
When Mo was 5, George and I would stop talking and focus on her when she would interrupt. At that time, she couldn't handle "wait just one moment while I finish" and she couldn't handle being talked "around". So we'd stop and focus. Now its possible to have conversations around her, to ask her to wait until a better point in *our* conversations to talk with her, but not at 5.
Filling up his needs seems like more work at first, and less payback, but its not any harder than constantly trying to talk around a child who's demanding attention. We tried talking around Ray for years, and it didn't make him one whit less needy, that was for sure! But when he could see on a regular basis that he *could* be the center of attention for both of us at once, he became easier about not needing to be in the center of our relationship Allllllll the time. With Mo things were easier from the start bc we never fell into the trap of giving her the message that she was somehow excluded from our relationship. We'd never *intended* to give that message to Ray, but that was how he perceived the matter.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>> We try and talk around what hes doing but it isnt always possible & alsoWhat do you do when he interrupts? Do you stop and talk to him, both of you talk and listen to what he has to say? Give him both your undivided attention? If not, then you're time together is an imposition, an interruption of his "normal" in which he is the center of the world. He Is the center of the world - he's 5!
> we want to be able to talk when we see eachother.
> Ive spoken to ds about it, he says he wants all the attention and doesnt
> want us talking to eachother without him
When Mo was 5, George and I would stop talking and focus on her when she would interrupt. At that time, she couldn't handle "wait just one moment while I finish" and she couldn't handle being talked "around". So we'd stop and focus. Now its possible to have conversations around her, to ask her to wait until a better point in *our* conversations to talk with her, but not at 5.
> We dont resent him doing this, however would like to beable to speak toIs there someone else who your son likes to spend time with? Can that person take him out for a day of fun, or spend with him an evening of undivided attention so y'all can have some "dates" now and then? That helps some people. George and I used to talk out of ear-shot whenever possible and not expect that to last very long. Or we'd touch and hold hands while focusing on Mo, make her the center of our attention as a couple. Right now, your son sees your adult relationship as competing with either of your relationship with him. So naturally he's competing as hard as he can to win your attention - either of your attention.
> eachother and have our needs met also
Filling up his needs seems like more work at first, and less payback, but its not any harder than constantly trying to talk around a child who's demanding attention. We tried talking around Ray for years, and it didn't make him one whit less needy, that was for sure! But when he could see on a regular basis that he *could* be the center of attention for both of us at once, he became easier about not needing to be in the center of our relationship Allllllll the time. With Mo things were easier from the start bc we never fell into the trap of giving her the message that she was somehow excluded from our relationship. We'd never *intended* to give that message to Ray, but that was how he perceived the matter.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 16, 2009, at 3:34 PM, Paul & Camille wrote:
why you shouldn't be hungry when it was inconvenient for him to feed
you, would you be less hungry?
What you're doing makes a sort of sense in adult interactions.
(Though there are better ways even with adults!) By discussing his
actions with your son and shunning him when he doesn't do as he was
told, you're trying ways to get him to see his behavior is wrong.
But from his point of view you're just making his need to be with one
of you seem even more unattainable so of course he's going to try
even harder. (And isn't that a good thing? If you had a desire and
someone told you no, should you give up just because they didn't like
it?)
If he needs 15 hugs a day and only gets 10, it will seem like he's
always asking for hugs. But if you give him a hug every time he asks,
he won't be asking for more than he needs. If he feels full of what
he needs, he'll feel more generous and give back. But it needs to be
when *he* feels he's full, not when you think he should be full.
Joyce
> We try and talk around what hes doing but it isnt always possible &If you were hungry and your husband ignored your hunger or told you
> also
> we want to be able to talk when we see eachother.
why you shouldn't be hungry when it was inconvenient for him to feed
you, would you be less hungry?
What you're doing makes a sort of sense in adult interactions.
(Though there are better ways even with adults!) By discussing his
actions with your son and shunning him when he doesn't do as he was
told, you're trying ways to get him to see his behavior is wrong.
But from his point of view you're just making his need to be with one
of you seem even more unattainable so of course he's going to try
even harder. (And isn't that a good thing? If you had a desire and
someone told you no, should you give up just because they didn't like
it?)
If he needs 15 hugs a day and only gets 10, it will seem like he's
always asking for hugs. But if you give him a hug every time he asks,
he won't be asking for more than he needs. If he feels full of what
he needs, he'll feel more generous and give back. But it needs to be
when *he* feels he's full, not when you think he should be full.
Joyce
[email protected]
Cell phones.
Really.
By the time DH gets home, we know each others' news for today. We've had a chance to talk about most things and only have to finish up conversations. Or actually enjoy each others' company without feeling like we have to use that time to exchange basic info.
Nance
Really.
By the time DH gets home, we know each others' news for today. We've had a chance to talk about most things and only have to finish up conversations. Or actually enjoy each others' company without feeling like we have to use that time to exchange basic info.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <meredith@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], "Paul & Camille" <morlingfamily@> wrote:
> >> We try and talk around what hes doing but it isnt always possible & also
> > we want to be able to talk when we see eachother.
> > Ive spoken to ds about it, he says he wants all the attention and doesnt
> > want us talking to eachother without him
>
> What do you do when he interrupts? Do you stop and talk to him, both of you talk and listen to what he has to say? Give him both your undivided attention? If not, then you're time together is an imposition, an interruption of his "normal" in which he is the center of the world. He Is the center of the world - he's 5!
>
> When Mo was 5, George and I would stop talking and focus on her when she would interrupt. At that time, she couldn't handle "wait just one moment while I finish" and she couldn't handle being talked "around". So we'd stop and focus. Now its possible to have conversations around her, to ask her to wait until a better point in *our* conversations to talk with her, but not at 5.
>
> > We dont resent him doing this, however would like to beable to speak to
> > eachother and have our needs met also
>
> Is there someone else who your son likes to spend time with? Can that person take him out for a day of fun, or spend with him an evening of undivided attention so y'all can have some "dates" now and then? That helps some people. George and I used to talk out of ear-shot whenever possible and not expect that to last very long. Or we'd touch and hold hands while focusing on Mo, make her the center of our attention as a couple. Right now, your son sees your adult relationship as competing with either of your relationship with him. So naturally he's competing as hard as he can to win your attention - either of your attention.
>
> Filling up his needs seems like more work at first, and less payback, but its not any harder than constantly trying to talk around a child who's demanding attention. We tried talking around Ray for years, and it didn't make him one whit less needy, that was for sure! But when he could see on a regular basis that he *could* be the center of attention for both of us at once, he became easier about not needing to be in the center of our relationship Allllllll the time. With Mo things were easier from the start bc we never fell into the trap of giving her the message that she was somehow excluded from our relationship. We'd never *intended* to give that message to Ray, but that was how he perceived the matter.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>
Beth Fleming
We do the same thing....and send emails on a regular basis too...when something is pressing and private. Seems to help us get caught up throughout the day.
Beth
Beth
--- On Sun, 10/18/09, marbleface@... <marbleface@...> wrote:
From: marbleface@... <marbleface@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Parenting Question
To: [email protected]
Date: Sunday, October 18, 2009, 8:21 AM
Cell phones.
Really.
By the time DH gets home, we know each others' news for today. We've had a chance to talk about most things and only have to finish up conversations. Or actually enjoy each others' company without feeling like we have to use that time to exchange basic info.
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lyla Wolfenstein
and IM! that's instant - connecting, and back and forth in a dynamic way! can do that from home too...without interruption. :)
lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Paul & Camille
Thankyou so much Meredith,
I read out your email to my husband this morning while Mason is still
sleeping (only happens on a Monday morning!) and we both had alot of aha
lightbulb moments.
We are going to put your suggestions into action Now :) We both have seen
things in a totally different way than we were, which is so amazing to us
:)
Thankyou so much again :)
--
Namaste
¸.·´ .·-:¦:-
((¸¸.·´Camille ...·´-:¦:- ~
-:¦:-¸¸.·´*
I read out your email to my husband this morning while Mason is still
sleeping (only happens on a Monday morning!) and we both had alot of aha
lightbulb moments.
We are going to put your suggestions into action Now :) We both have seen
things in a totally different way than we were, which is so amazing to us
:)
Thankyou so much again :)
--
Namaste
¸.·´ .·-:¦:-
((¸¸.·´Camille ...·´-:¦:- ~
-:¦:-¸¸.·´*
Paul & Camille
Thankyou everybody for your help.
We started doing what you suggested last night and we saw a huge
difference. The night was so much more pleasant, Mason was happiness
filled being put first, and we saw the wisdom of doing this.
Also it was really good to hear that it wasnt just us this happened too
either.
So grateful for this list and the help it gives when we just cant sort out
the *obvious* for ourselves :) and loved the cellphone idea too :)
--
Namaste
¸.·´ .·-:¦:-
((¸¸.·´Camille ...·´-:¦:- ~
-:¦:-¸¸.·´*
We started doing what you suggested last night and we saw a huge
difference. The night was so much more pleasant, Mason was happiness
filled being put first, and we saw the wisdom of doing this.
Also it was really good to hear that it wasnt just us this happened too
either.
So grateful for this list and the help it gives when we just cant sort out
the *obvious* for ourselves :) and loved the cellphone idea too :)
--
Namaste
¸.·´ .·-:¦:-
((¸¸.·´Camille ...·´-:¦:- ~
-:¦:-¸¸.·´*