Helping my daughter to sleep

Kelly Tan

7 Jul 2016, at 3:52am

My 5 year old daughter has always wanted me around to help her sleep and, for almost all of her life, I have breastfed her until she's fallen asleep or been sleepy enough to then drift off. There was a brief phase last year where she didn't want this and my husband was able to lay with her until she slept, but since then she has only wanted me. When we have suggested to her that my husband goes to sleep with her, she has gotten extremely upset and been almost inconsolable at the thought of it, so we haven't pursued it any further.

In a couple of months there is an event in London that I would really like to go to (we are in the UK) which would involve me not being around at the time my daughter normally falls asleep. Also, lately, I have started to feel resentful about being the sole person to help my daughter sleep, and would like to be in a position where my husband shares this with me. I am concerned that any sudden changes will cause my daughter a great deal of upset, which I do not want, and will possibly chip away at the trusting relationship that her and I have. I'm not sure if this is a valid concern or if I'm overthinking it.

I'm after some help in seeing this in an unschooling light. Firstly, I wonder if I'm expecting too much to want a generally sensitive 5 year old to not be with her mother at night time. I would like to find ways to overcome the resentment that is creeping in when I see my husband going out in the evening to play sports or see friends...it's not healthy and I'm sure there are ways I could see this more joyfully. Also, any suggestions about how it may be possible to peacefully move towards my daughter accepting my husband at night - this may be via a slow transition, or ideas on how to support my daughter on the odd occasion where I might not be around (maybe every few months, more likely to be less often).

As a bit of background, my husband has an office in our home and therefore gets to spend quite a lot of time together with us. He has a very good relationship with my daughter. My daughter used to be fine with him (and also my mum who lives close by) if I went somewhere alone during the day, but over the last 3 or 4 months she has started to cry and get very upset whenever I say I'm going somewhere alone, which happens about once a month. Also, she no longer wants to spend much time with my mum, and certainly not if I'm not present. I cosleep with my daughter in her room and my husband did this on the occasions where my daughter wanted him. Sometimes I will come downstairs after she has fallen asleep, but if she's gone to bed late, I usually fall asleep at the same time as her. She still stirs and wakes a lot in the night and needs support to get back to sleep.

K Pennell

7 Jul 2016, at 5:16am

Would it be possible for now to put her bed (or mattress) in your and your husband's room? Perhaps the three of you could all be together while she falls asleep. Even if you and she are on the bigger bed, and Dad is reading nearby, maybe that will ease her into a higher comfort level with Dad again.

Meanwhile, is she ok with spending time with Dad during the day? Maybe occasionally Dad and daughter can go to the park in the afternoon while you have a little time for you. Perhaps they can watch tv while you take a hot bath, uninterrupted!

From: "Kelly Tan ibuktan@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, July 7, 2016 6:52 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Helping my daughter to sleep

Sarah Thompson

7 Jul 2016, at 5:39am

To answer the question: are you expecting too much? Yes. My older child slept with me until he was seven, and then he and the younger one moved into a bed together (or rather, I moved out of their bed). He was probably five before he was okay with me leaving the house for any length of time (but he was happy to go out with others at this point). I could have spent time in all those early years focusing on what was "reasonable" to expect, but that was meaningless for my family and a source of stress and struggle for me, because what was "reasonable" in my home was what was happening.

There were times when I wished I could make plans that didn't accommodate the bed-time dynamic, but it would have been foolish to make those plans and hope. It is dangerous to try to sail to a schedule-the weather and sea conditions must be taken into account at all times:)

If you put your energy into trying to make this transition happen, it will become a focus of resistance. What I would do instead is just go with it. There will always be fun things to do later, when she's okay staying with Dad, and the transition to staying with Dad will happen when you aren't staring at it. The more that she trusts that you put her needs ahead of other things (which is reasonable for a five year old), the more she will trust the changes that take place over time.

Sarah

Sandra Dodd

7 Jul 2016, at 10:34am

-=-There were times when I wished I could make plans that didn't accommodate the bed-time dynamic, but it would have been foolish to make those plans and hope. It is dangerous to try to sail to a schedule-the weather and sea conditions must be taken into account at all times:)-=-

It’s not like sinking a boat, if she and her dad have a few nights together.

Maybe they could sleep in a whole diferent place—a tent in the garden; with friends or relatives; in a hotel.

Later this month we’re keeping a seven year old whose parents will be in another city for just one night. Rather than stay at her house, or our house which is really close to her house, where she would be thinking of them and what they’re doing, we’re going to stay one night in a hotel with a water park. She and Keith can play in the water and then we’ll stay all together in a room without any associations to the. We’ll take her bedtime animal, and her iPad, and see how it goes.

But two or three days of inconvenience isn’t the same as rejection or abandonment.

If the mom does decide to go, it will help to talk about coming back, instead of going away. It’s like “yes or some form of yes.”

“I’ll be back in two days," or
"When I’m back, we’ll sleep together as long as I was gone, if you want to” or
“On Tuesday, we will go to… [somewhere she likes.”

Project OVER the days of being gone, rather than talking about where you’re going and why and how far and how long. Those details might add to distress.

Sandra

cheri.tilford@...

8 Jul 2016, at 9:05am

Will your event keep you out late, or gone until morning? If it's out late, pick some movies she wants to watch while snuggling with dad and sha can wait up for you. If it's until morning, is there something special in London you can bring back for her or all of you to enjoy - treats from a special bakery, a toy you can't find in your town, a brochure for a family outing to London? Play up how this thing your doing can add more excitement and adventure for all of you. Clear your schedule for the following day so you can have all day for her.

Last year I had an overnight visit with a friend while my then 4 1/2 yo still breastfeeding daughter stayed home with dad. To prepare we talked about all the exciting things they'd do for daddy-daughter day - go get burgers together (both of their favorite food), watch movies, visit playgrounds and get ice cream, build forts, play video games. They had such a good time! And I brought home a real teapot for her from Vancouver's Chinatown so we could have better tea parties.

Interestingly, my daughter at almost 5 1/2 is extra sensitive about me being around, over and above her dad. I wonder if there's some developmental shift happening. She no longer breastfeeds but I sit in the room after we read together and read my own book on my kindle while she falls asleep. We have a family bedroom with her twin bed (a requested Christmas present last year) right next to the shared king bed and each night she crawls into the big bed to snuggle. We recently rented an RV for a few days and she wanted to try snuggling with her dad for a night while I slept on the twin bed literally two feet away. She awoke crying in the middle of the night because she wanted to snuggle with me.

I remember one night when she was little and was having a really hard time falling asleep while my husband and some friends were having fun socializing on the other side of the house, and I started to feel resentful that I was the only person capable of doing what I was doing. I'm not sure what or how, but I was able to shift my perspective and appreciate that I was the only person in the world who could be there for this sweet little girl - how special is that! - and this moment in time will be gone in a flash. Someday I might pine for those simple days when I could lay down with this tiny being and be all she needed. I made her a priority, and my friends will be around for nights of socializing later. I guarantee my husband and whoever else was there doesn't remember that night because it was nothing special, but I do. Each moment, no matter what is happening, will end. We can choose to look for what we might enjoy in that moment or impatiently tap a foot while waiting for a better one.

Enjoy your special status, and help dad and daughter plan their own special moments while you go have a great time in London.

cheers,

cheri