amberuby@...

My husband and I are planning to move cross-country in about a month. Our daughter is only 4.5 years old. I am feeling very unnerved by it, I guess because I am worried about my relationship with my daughter, and keeping it strong, during such a tumultuous time. 


We are not really moving for a compelling "have to" reason (such as work, or family illness, or anything) but rather because we think we would rather be in a different place (my husband works from home, so he can work anywhere in the US, which really opens up so many possibilities other than staying here in the town where I grew up). But that makes it harder for me to rationalize it to my daughter. On some level it feels mean to uproot her from everything she knows. 


I've already taken back some things I've said to her - like that we cannot buy more toys right now because we will be moving soon - well that just didn't last very long at all! It did not feel very nice or fun. And we've tried to start packing, in order to stage our current house and get it ready to sell - but she has asked for some things that were already packed, so we did go and find those things, and took them out again. At some point, we aren't going to be able to do that!


I guess I'm not sure if I have a specific question, or if I'm just looking for some tips on how to help with this transition. 


Jo Isaac

Since my son was 4, we've moved continent once, and interstate 3 times. My biggest tip is to keep your daughter involved as much as you can, and to listen to her.

Things that helped us - getting Kai to decide what things of his got packed when. Keeping at least a box aside for last minute packing of his favourite toys, and making sure there was room in the car/carry-on baggage for favourite, favourite toys. When it came to the days before everything needed packing - reminders that final things would need to go in boxes soon.

Kai always packed a bag with favourite things for the journey, whether than was by car or by plane - by car you obviously have more room to take more things.

When you get to the new house - it helps to help them unpack their stuff in what will be their new room as soon as possible. Help them set up a livable area that feels more like 'home' as soon as possible. Ask her what she would like in her new bedroom (unless she co-sleeps, then in the toy room or rumpus room, etc). How they'd like to see it decorated. If they want some new stuff - bed covers, etc, take them shopping.

Buy their favourite foods. Watch their favourite shows. Just do things that feel like home and feel comforting [😊]

==On some level it feels mean to uproot her from everything she knows.==

It's hard at any age, but from experience it's easier when kids are younger, than when they are older and have more established friendships. Our last interstate move was last year and our son was nearly 9 - that was the toughest move for him because he left behind friends and a house he'd known for 4 years (the longest time since he was 3).

Jo



________________________________
From: [email protected] <[email protected]> on behalf of amberuby@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]>
Sent: 08 April 2016 01:21
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] tips for moving house



My husband and I are planning to move cross-country in about a month. Our daughter is only 4.5 years old. I am feeling very unnerved by it, I guess because I am worried about my relationship with my daughter, and keeping it strong, during such a tumultuous time.


We are not really moving for a compelling "have to" reason (such as work, or family illness, or anything) but rather because we think we would rather be in a different place (my husband works from home, so he can work anywhere in the US, which really opens up so many possibilities other than staying here in the town where I grew up). But that makes it harder for me to rationalize it to my daughter. On some level it feels mean to uproot her from everything she knows.


I've already taken back some things I've said to her - like that we cannot buy more toys right now because we will be moving soon - well that just didn't last very long at all! It did not feel very nice or fun. And we've tried to start packing, in order to stage our current house and get it ready to sell - but she has asked for some things that were already packed, so we did go and find those things, and took them out again. At some point, we aren't going to be able to do that!


I guess I'm not sure if I have a specific question, or if I'm just looking for some tips on how to help with this transition.





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-during such a tumultuous time. -=-

Is it possible to think of it as an exciting but confusing time? Or a time of change?
If you’re feeling “tumult” and projecting that, she’s likely to be apprehensive, instead of excited.

-=- we think we would rather be in a different place … But that makes it harder for me to rationalize it to my daughter.-=-

If you’re enthusiastic and cheery, why wouldn’t she be?
I’m wondering if you’ve been apologetic about it instead of joyous.

-=-On some level it feels mean to uproot her from everything she knows. -=-

You’re not leaving the planet. If you think of the negatives, and list them and share them, you solidify them.
Share (with her) either nothing particular (just be more in the moment), or share happiness and hope and such.

-=-And we've tried to start packing, in order to stage our current house and get it ready to sell - but she has asked for some things that were already packed, so we did go and find those things, and took them out again. At some point, we aren't going to be able to do that!-=-

You could make a list of things she wants to get out as soon as you move. That might provide something for her to look forward to, if some of ther favorite things are packed. I don’t recommend purposely packing something you know she wants, but going with what’s honestly happening could work in your favor.

Maybe a list of things she might want to get at the new house, too—doesn’t mean you need to get EVERYthing on the list, but it’s a way to deal concretely with requests and wishes. When you get to the new place and unpack and settle in a bit, you could revisit that list. It may be all forgotten by then, or there might be a thing or two that pops out as useful and good to get or do.

Sandra

semajrak@...

Original poster:  <<during such a tumultuous time.>>

Sandra:  <<Is it possible to think of it as an exciting but confusing time? Or a time of change?>>

When Ethan was nearly four, we moved from Pittsburgh to Ithaca.  Mindful of what a big change it was going to be for him, I slowly and sensitively packed and sorted.  As I did so, I made every effort to look forward with joy to what lay ahead rather than mourn what we were leaving behind.  Once the move was made, I focussed on ways to help Ethan feel at home in our new location.  I remember a friend (from Pittsburgh) saying to me that I made the whole move look easy.  It wasn't easy, but focusing on making it as positive an experience as I could for all of us was definitely beneficial, even for our friends, I think.  I felt good about that.

We went on to live in Ithaca nine years.  Recently we moved from that area of New York to California.  Ethan was twelve.  Although this time we were downsizing quite a bit, moving from a more rural area to a much more populated area, and moving a much greater distance, I did the same thing as I had done with our move from Pittsburgh.  I focused on the excitement of the adventure ahead, and ways to make the transition as positive as I could for us all. 

Original poster:  <<I guess because I am worried about my relationship with my daughter, and keeping it strong>>

While focusing on the adventure ahead of us, I also focused a great deal on Ethan.  I paid attention to places and ways I could make the transition easier for him, and did my best to make that happen.  This move was different from the first one, so the things I did to help make the move easier for him were different.  Regardless, both times, knowing that I had his best interest in mind and was taking steps to nurture his needs was important for our relationship, I believe.  I made sure not to erode his trust in me by being dismissive in any way of his experience.  I worked diligently to facilitate the most comfortable and supportive transition I could for him.  I think he knew that, and I think that mattered a lot to him.  

Again, where you put your attention will influence the quality of the transition for all of you.  Actively choose to focus on things and ways to make the move as positive as possible.  That doesn't mean there won't be some challenges, but those challenges won't come to define the change.  The many little successes will.  That has been my experience.

Karen James 


Alex & Brian Polikowsky

I think Sandra makes some great points !

You can look at moving and an exciting time full of new adventures and new things or you can see it as a dreadful challenging time.

What is it going to be?
Your child will certainly feel that you are either positive or negative about what is going on and that will color not only yours but his perspective.

Alex Polikowsky 

Sent from my iPhone

On Apr 10, 2016, at 11:57 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

-=-during such a tumultuous time. -=-

Is it possible to think of it as an exciting but confusing time? Or a time of change?
If you’re feeling “tumult” and projecting that, she’s likely to be apprehensive, instead of excited.

-=- we think we would rather be in a different place … But that makes it harder for me to rationalize it to my daughter.-=-

If you’re enthusiastic and cheery, why wouldn’t she be?
I’m wondering if you’ve been apologetic about it instead of joyous.

-=-On some level it feels mean to uproot her from everything she knows. -=-

You’re not leaving the planet. If you think of the negatives, and list them and share them, you solidify them.
Share (with her) either nothing particular (just be more in the moment), or share happiness and hope and such.

-=-And we've tried to start packing, in order to stage our current house and get it ready to sell - but she has asked for some things that were already packed, so we did go and find those things, and took them out again. At some point, we aren't going to be able to do that!-=-

You could make a list of things she wants to get out as soon as you move. That might provide something for her to look forward to, if some of ther favorite things are packed. I don’t recommend purposely packing something you know she wants, but going with what’s honestly happening could work in your favor.

Maybe a list of things she might want to get at the new house, too—doesn’t mean you need to get EVERYthing on the list, but it’s a way to deal concretely with requests and wishes. When you get to the new place and unpack and settle in a bit, you could revisit that list. It may be all forgotten by then, or there might be a thing or two that pops out as useful and good to get or do.

Sandra