Sandra Dodd

-=-somehow I always turn it into a power struggle. I have been trying to let go of control the best way I know how, but she feels my lack of confidence. I know there is a balance, but I can't seem to find it. Any chance she has to stay up late, she fights sleep. -=-

-=- I'm afraid that I have made this such a power struggle for both of us that…-=-

I’m going to show you an underlying problem. Others will probably write about sleep. :-)

I’m going to point out that in so short a piece of writing, you chose to use these phrases:

power struggle
control
fights
power struggle (again)

Who can sleep with all that fighting!?

And even if it’s “just words,” those words came out of you. Think of this: either you think that and are unaware that you’re thinking that way, or you consciously chose those words.

IF you chose those words on purpose, you should relax.
If you’re reciting phrases you’ve picked up from other people, you should try to look at your words before you post, or speak. Then try to listen to your thoughts as they’re forming, and see wheher you’re casting your relationship with your child as “struggle,” or her relationship with her own biology as “fighting.”

Two things to read, about negative words that lead away from peace, and stories of sleep and sleeping.

You wrote -=-I have been implementing more peaceful practices into our home. Peace and respect were always an underlying part of our lives-=-
This might help a lot:

http://sandradodd.com/battle

and
http://sandradodd.com/sleep/
(there’s a lot there, so read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch)

Sandra

Sarah Thompson

You say you want sleep to be on her terms, but I'm not reading that in your writing. I'm reading "I have an agenda for her sleeping that I wish for her to choose."

I found ONE, and ONLY ONE, thing that worked in our family. I went to bed with my kids. Still do, although they sleep in a different room. I am happy to go to bed at 830 or 9 (or whenever we are tired together). If I weren't, I would probably get a book light, or some podcasts or audio books, and read or listen once the kids were asleep. At this point, they like to go to bed after I do, so I just bring whatever I want to do into the bed-books, homework, etc.

As long as you are lying there waiting to leave, she is going to work to hold you there. Once you are there fully, intentionally, without an agenda, she will sleep. Humans need to feel safe and secure to sleep well. For little ones, this means Mama is near.

Sarah

Cass Kotrba

-=-  I do the bath, story, kisses and hugs routine, and somehow I always turn it into a power struggle. -=-
 
-=- Any chance she has to stay up late, she fights sleep.  I have laid in her bed with her, but she gets up and again, fights it.-=-
 
Keep the parts that are working and ditch the stuff that causes conflict.  If she enjoys that routine then that's great but it sounds like it's set up to suit you.  It sounds like if she were allowed to establish her own ideal bedtime routine this would not be it.  Help her figure out what "it" is.
 
When my daughter (13) was little, bath time was a long, extended play time in the tub.  We were fortunate to have a large, corner bath tub at that time and often she, her little brother and I would take long baths together!  I was always searching for fun new bath tub ideas.  Usually around mid afternoon I would start to drag & suggest a bath - which was generally accepted eagerly.  I have the sweetest, most cherished memories from that time.  Jade and I started soaking together before Ben was even born.  I remember when I was pregnant with him & my belly got so big that it poked out above the water & Jade would rest her head on it.  <3
 
My daughter also never liked having a story read to her.  For a long time I felt like a failure in that area because there is so much pressure to read to your kids but mine hated sitting still & being read to!  In the end it didn't matter - they enjoy stories and reading, under their own terms.
 
She would have been a big fan of the hugs and kisses though!  And tickles, cuddles.  At that age we would have all 3 snuggled into the king size bed, a kid on each side, and done huggy, kissy, cuddle time while a favorite movie played.  I may have stayed until they fell asleep or crept out for awhile once they were all settled, but I would have gotten up for awhile to spend some time with my husband.  Usually, by the time my husband and I were ready for bed they'd be asleep.  We'd move them into their own, make shift beds in our room and watched a show of our own for awhile before falling asleep.  Bed time was based on signs of readiness from the kids, not from the clock.  Usually they'd want to go get settled in because it was nice and they enjoyed it.  If one or both wanted to stay up with us that was fine.  If one was still up (rare) when we came to bed that one would watch TV with us for awhile before falling asleep.
 
This is what worked for us.  There are endless possible bed time routines, none of them right or wrong except for how they feel to the person approaching sleep.
 
If there has been control in this area then there will be push back against that for awhile.  Try relaxing naturally and gradually into a new bedtime routine that is satisfying to her but understand that for awhile she will have a natural desire to explore that which was previously forbidden.
 
-Cass