Sandra Dodd

(Sent to be posted anonymously—similar questions, different situations...)

My son is six and I feel uncomfortable him touching his penis in public. It is a matter of half a second, but he does it very often. It might have to do with him having to wash more often, but it is not always easy to find the right moment and the right mood to suggest. Also it might be a bit sticky around because he is a bit big on the legs (we live with high temeratures). However I try to remind him not to do it and I am not sure, that this is a good way. Even though I use a light tone and I do it in a language others usually don't understand (I speak another language with my child than the people in the country we live in), but still it doesnt feel right. A bit similar: he is using his t-shirt to clean his mouth and I try to remind him not to do so. I try to give him a peace of cloth or paper BEFORE but also here it doesn't seem good all together.

I want to help him to behave appopriatly in public. I don't want to tell him regularly that he is not behaving like I want him to behave.

Maybe i focus too much on his age? Now he is "x" and this and that is "not ok" anymore? I am fine with my two year old pulling his penis. (I am also very fine by my six year old touching his penis at home.)

Maybe what makes it difficult for me is also, that it doesn't disturb me personally but I think he SHOULDN'T do it? SHOULDN'T is leading to me having knots in my brain, to strange emotions, to losing my creativity. I get easily stuck in SHOULDN'T, but I find it difficult to avoid the concept of SHOULD if it is about socially acceptable behaviour.

Plus there is my mom who is for years nagging about my son touching his penis or being naked (he is not wearing throusers at home normally but he does when she is visiting for a couple of years by now, his little brother doesn't have to wear underpants when my mother is around..).

Same by the way with making noises while eating. (Something I dont mention at the moment because i dont find good ways for doing it.) Sometimes it feels like I disapprove of HIM. That hurts. Me and him.

How can I approach this and similar situations?

English is not my mothertongue. Thank you.

CASS KOTRBA

-=- My son is six and I feel uncomfortable him touching his penis in public. -=-

This is very normal behaviour for his age.  My son went to school from K-2 & I remember that this was something that moms & teachers were aware of.  The advice given by the teacher was to send the boys to school wearing jeans or pants/shorts that were snug around the waist instead of sweat pant or stretchy material. The boys put their hands down their pants without thinking about it & wearing a tighter fitting waistband makes it harder to get your hand in there in public.   My son didn't do it at school but did it at home for a long time.  It was a reflexive way of comforting himself.  He did it for quite awhile but it stopped on its own by around age 8 or so, I'm thinking.  

-=- he is using his t-shirt to clean his mouth and I try to remind him not to do so. I try to give him a peace of cloth or paper BEFORE but also here it doesn't seem good all together.-=-

Maybe if he were to pick out a cool, special  hand towel that was just his he'd be more likely to remember to use it?  One with Spiderman or whatever he loves.  I would get it for fun & keep it light - I wouldn't put pressure on him or make it an issue.  I would try some light hearted approaches and if he continues to use his shirt I'd remind myself that he is growing and changing every day and this is a temporary thing.  Even if he continued to wipe his mouth on his shirt for the rest of his life he could still be a happy, successful person, couldn't he?

-=- Same by the way with making noises while eating. (Something I dont mention at the moment because i dont find good ways for doing it.) Sometimes it feels like I disapprove of HIM. That hurts. Me and him. -=-

People aren't perfect.  We all have our quirks.  I would really try to find a way to move past this annoyance over little things.  He's only 6!  He's your adorable, precious boy - look at him directly and not at the way he's eating or the smear on his shirt from wiping his face on it.  Don't judge his appearance or social behaviours harshly - he's bound to go through many awkward & uncomfortable stages as he grows.  Relax and trust that he will find his way, with your gentle and loving guidance.  It's not going to happen all at once and having expectations that he can't meet is a recipe for conflict.

-Cass