Tam Palmer

Hi,

I have a question about helping a child to navigate friendships and social situations. My eight year old (always unschooled) currently mostly prefers online friendships and interactions to face to face ones. He games and skypes with a mixture of local friends who he knows, and various people worldwide who I've helped him find via people I know and groups like unschooling gamers, they play on his servers and on other servers together and there are then other people he chats to that he finds via group chats with these people. 

There are a couple of people he chats to mostly, one of whom he considers a good friend. They skype with a larger group of people, both individually and together. For the past few months, one of the boys in the group, when on a group call with the good friend, will block Finn from the group calls. Finn gets really upset about this.

I'm not great at navigating social situations myself, and so am struggling a little bit with helpful ways to support him.

Finn initially responded by blocking the boy off his server, as he wouldn't respond when he was asking why and this got his attention; we then had a skype chat and the boy agreed that he wanted to come on the server so he'd stop blocking him from calls. It didn't last very long though.

I mentioned it to the boy's mum who is a friend, and she went away and spoke to him and told me she didn't think there was a problem as her son had told her that it was just they were playing on a different game, but I'm there when it's happening and that's not true.

I've tried focusing on helping him find other people to chat to and potentially be friends with, but his focus is on this group of friends in particular still, and wants to be included in group calls the same way he himself includes other people. 

I've tried empathising and suggesting that sometimes friendships do wax and wane and that the good friend is also passively being part of excluding him from the call so maybe they're just wanting some time to chat with other people.

It's happening every couple of days, I'm there with him at the PC as much as possible to help him reply and work out the best way of saying things, but he's ending up in tears over it a few times a week.

I realise that I can't shield him from ever being sad, but this has been going on for a while and I don't seem to be able to help him resolve it or move past it. Is it just one of those things and I can only sympathise and be there for him? Or are there things I can be doing more constructively to help? Or, something else.

Tam

Vicki Dennis

I do not know how all this works but I was struck by
"this got his attention; we then had a skype chat and the boy agreed that he wanted to come on the server"

Seems that you have a possible solution.  Except this time make it clear that if son is blocked from calls again after agreeing not to that mean one will be immediately blocked from from son's server.  Not waiting for multiple infractions and multiple days of tears.

 I suppose it is possible that others would follow the "mean one" to a different server? As I said I do not know how it all works.   "Good friend" does need to be confronted that he must acknowledge that so long as he participates with mean one blocking your son then he may as well be blocking him himself.

Is it possible the mum meant that more than one game was going on simultaneously and your son was not participating in all of them?

vicki....who is not of the school of thought that children need to always work out their "squabbles" without adult intervention.




On Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 9:09 AM, Tam Palmer wifejuliefish@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Hi,

I have a question about helping a child to navigate friendships and social situations. My eight year old (always unschooled) currently mostly prefers online friendships and interactions to face to face ones. He games and skypes with a mixture of local friends who he knows, and various people worldwide who I've helped him find via people I know and groups like unschooling gamers, they play on his servers and on other servers together and there are then other people he chats to that he finds via group chats with these people. 

There are a couple of people he chats to mostly, one of whom he considers a good friend. They skype with a larger group of people, both individually and together. For the past few months, one of the boys in the group, when on a group call with the good friend, will block Finn from the group calls. Finn gets really upset about this.

I'm not great at navigating social situations myself, and so am struggling a little bit with helpful ways to support him.

Finn initially responded by blocking the boy off his server, as he wouldn't respond when he was asking why and this got his attention; we then had a skype chat and the boy agreed that he wanted to come on the server so he'd stop blocking him from calls. It didn't last very long though.

I mentioned it to the boy's mum who is a friend, and she went away and spoke to him and told me she didn't think there was a problem as her son had told her that it was just they were playing on a different game, but I'm there when it's happening and that's not true.

I've tried focusing on helping him find other people to chat to and potentially be friends with, but his focus is on this group of friends in particular still, and wants to be included in group calls the same way he himself includes other people. 

I've tried empathising and suggesting that sometimes friendships do wax and wane and that the good friend is also passively being part of excluding him from the call so maybe they're just wanting some time to chat with other people.

It's happening every couple of days, I'm there with him at the PC as much as possible to help him reply and work out the best way of saying things, but he's ending up in tears over it a few times a week.

I realise that I can't shield him from ever being sad, but this has been going on for a while and I don't seem to be able to help him resolve it or move past it. Is it just one of those things and I can only sympathise and be there for him? Or are there things I can be doing more constructively to help? Or, something else.

Tam


Ali Zeljo

Hi,  My sons all spend a great deal of time on Skype and gaming.  We talk very often about the interpersonal dynamics.  We talk about how some think of online communication differently from real life communication.  They just hang up mid-sentence, or they don't pay attention to group dynamics the way one might in person.  At first I was finding it offensive.  But my kids do not!

Honestly, I'm not sure what is acceptable!  It's relatively new for kids to communicate this way.  So I think of it as an experiment.  We talk about how being treated certain ways makes them feel.  It's interesting because my 11 year old doesn't have a problem just hanging up on someone.  He doesn't take offense when people hang up on him.  He sees Skype like in-game communication which often involves "trolling" and he laughs it off.  They block each other from Skype almost like jokes or punishment for in-game offenses.  I hear them joking with friends- oh, you're blocked!  (After a friend traps them or some other trolly activity) and they actually do block each other and unblock eachother regularly on Skype.  

It is different when you know the kids in real life.  It can get more sensitive.  It's easier to take it personally.  I encourage my kids to reach out via text or phone when something is uncertain in-game.  I help them to choose friendly, inclusive wording.  Sometimes I get on the Skype call myself and talk with the other kids, especially for my 5 year old. I'll say, hi I want to help clarify what's going on here.  Are you all upset with Gianni about something specific?  And they usually tell me yes, he's screaming too loudly or he's breathing into the mic, or he's trying to control the game.  Then I can help Gianni communicate his frustrations.  Then we decide if he'd rather get off the call and do something else or if he can stop screaming because it's really bothering the other kids.

In your son's situation, have you observed anything that triggers the call block?  Is your son the server owner?  Does he have higher "powers" than the others?  Does he dole out ranks to his friends?  I've noticed that can trigger resentment.    Can he think of a reason the other child might be upset with him?  If he knows these children in real life, is this behavior a pattern for the boy who is blocking him?  My kids often feel better after a discussion analyzing what might be happening for that other child.  Is he jealous of the other friendships?  Jealous he gets to own the server?  Frustrated about something?  How can your son stay in relationship with this child and still feel happy himself?  Is there anything he can do to repair the rapport?  

Ali




BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

Another thing to keep in mind is that you are talking about Call Groups on Skype,.

My daughter does a lot of gaming while Skyping in group. Some of the kids she talks on a regular basis their parents may even be reading this right now because they are here.

There has been drama, fights, kids being blocked, kids making up, not talking for a while. then back playing together.

I know that I and these other moms have talked to our kids and guided them and  talked and listen to them cry and fell hurt.

The dynamics in those groups are always shifting. It is really interesting,

You should keep in mind that there is ONE call group owner that can block any other. IT is the person who initiates the group call.
Maybe have your son initiate his group calls and he would be the one that could block or not the others. IF you need just get Skype Premium ( You used to have to get it to initiate group calls but I am not sure you need now I think that changed )

Sometimes a child wants to play with a friend and not the other. Sometimes a child is being annoying or wanting the group to do something and the other kids do not want that.

If he is blocked from a call he can initiate his own call and get his own group of friends. So instead of focusing on fixing the other child that is blocking him maybe just help him do what he wants which is play with other kids.

There has been times my daughter and one of her friends were not talking to each other  but then they are all in good terms again. I used to worry when her feelings were hurt. I still do.

I  talked to her about not hurting her friends feelings . Not saying things that she could not take back.
I did tell my daughter that she did not have to play with someone when she did not want to but that sometimes her friend(s) may want to not play with her . Or take a break. Or play another game with another friend and that it was OK for them to do that. They did not have to include her every time and she did not have to include them  but that she could be nice about it and say " I want to play with.....right now. We can play another time."

If you are thinking there is a way for you to make sure the kids always include your son  you will , like the kids say, fail.
You cannot control another child and make them always include your son.

You can help your son understand that  he was not included but that he can create his own group and play and that it is OK to play with one friend or another as long as they are nice about it.

Alex Polikowsky
 
Alex Polikowsky
 
 
 


On Saturday, July 5, 2014 5:21 AM, "Ali Zeljo azeljo@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:


 
Hi,  My sons all spend a great deal of time on Skype and gaming.  We talk very often about the interpersonal dynamics.  We talk about how some think of online communication differently from real life communication.  They just hang up mid-sentence, or they don't pay attention to group dynamics the way one might in person.  At first I was finding it offensive.  But my kids do not!

Honestly, I'm not sure what is acceptable!  It's relatively new for kids to communicate this way.  So I think of it as an experiment.  We talk about how being treated certain ways makes them feel.  It's interesting because my 11 year old doesn't have a problem just hanging up on someone.  He doesn't take offense when people hang up on him.  He sees Skype like in-game communication which often involves "trolling" and he laughs it off.  They block each other from Skype almost like jokes or punishment for in-game offenses.  I hear them joking with friends- oh, you're blocked!  (After a friend traps them or some other trolly activity) and they actually do block each other and unblock eachother regularly on Skype.  

It is different when you know the kids in real life.  It can get more sensitive.  It's easier to take it personally.  I encourage my kids to reach out via text or phone when something is uncertain in-game.  I help them to choose friendly, inclusive wording.  Sometimes I get on the Skype call myself and talk with the other kids, especially for my 5 year old. I'll say, hi I want to help clarify what's going on here.  Are you all upset with Gianni about something specific?  And they usually tell me yes, he's screaming too loudly or he's breathing into the mic, or he's trying to control the game.  Then I can help Gianni communicate his frustrations.  Then we decide if he'd rather get off the call and do something else or if he can stop screaming because it's really bothering the other kids.

In your son's situation, have you observed anything that triggers the call block?  Is your son the server owner?  Does he have higher "powers" than the others?  Does he dole out ranks to his friends?  I've noticed that can trigger resentment.    Can he think of a reason the other child might be upset with him?  If he knows these children in real life, is this behavior a pattern for the boy who is blocking him?  My kids often feel better after a discussion analyzing what might be happening for that other child.  Is he jealous of the other friendships?  Jealous he gets to own the server?  Frustrated about something?  How can your son stay in relationship with this child and still feel happy himself?  Is there anything he can do to repair the rapport?  

Ali